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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to have them christened

35 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 18/07/2010 12:54

When DD1 was born DH said no to having her christened as he doesn't believe in god. Whilst it was important to me I agreed as didn't want to impose something he didn't believe in. A few months back I made a casual remark after a family event that it would have been nice to have had the girls christened. He turned round and said we can if you want. So we discussed it and I booked a date with the vicar invited family and asked friends to be godparents all which was agreed with DH.

The vicar has now sent two options for service a baptism or just a thanksgiving for birth of a child. Stupidly I mentioned the two options to DH and he has now said he won't come unless we do thanksgiving and not Christening. I am so upset about this he has completely moved the goal posts after having agreed. I don't know what to do now but part of me feels like sod him and going ahead with Christening in hope he doesn't follow through with his threat. He said I today I am not going to be bullied into this but I haven't I respected his wishes and he changed his mind and has now changed it back.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 18/07/2010 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

slushy · 18/07/2010 13:04

I am catholic my DP is atheist my children are christened, We decided we would christen them and tell them both our views when older and let them decide. I think we give a good variety to our children as we both believe different things our children will be able to see both sides and decide.

I don't really know who is being unreasonable here as you agreed at first to not have them christened and then moved the goal posts to have them christened now your DH is moving them. So I don't think either are BU just want different things IMO sit down and talk over your reasons.

NarkyPuffin · 18/07/2010 13:07

If he doesn't believe in god then surely both services mean nothing to him but one of them means a lot to you. I think he's been very unreasonable as you respected his views in not having your DD1 christened even though you really wanted to. For him to say yes to the christening and then back track is very selfish.

MacTheWife · 18/07/2010 13:12

i think a thanksgiving is a good compromise for 2 parents who have opposite views, he probably went ahead with your plans of a christening a bit reluctantly for sake of peace, without knowing there where other options

and now that you know there are other options you should consider them and come to a compromise

you could for example, have the thanksgiving now, then if your children decide they want to be christened when they are older, they can be.

treas · 18/07/2010 17:04

Could you just not wait until the children are old enough to make the decision themselves.

My dh got christened at 7 yo and is now an atheist, I was never christened and have never wanted to be even though my parents gave me the option.

Gay40 · 18/07/2010 17:14

I became an atheist the day I was christened at 10yo. Still am. Can't see the point at all. If there was a way to null and void it, I would.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2010 17:22

I think your DH is BU. I say this as an atheist. It means nothing to your DH, but it does to you and I think that what he wants is not more imp than what you want. He agreed and is now reneging on that agreement. I know some people will think that you've gone back on your initial agreement not to have them christened, but you did that with your DHs full knowledge and consent. Not like you went behind his back and had it done anyway.

LittleSilver · 18/07/2010 17:31

TBH I think you are both being unreasonable(and hpocritical) if you do not plan to attend church with your DC and give them a Christian upbrining. It's not just about a party y'know.

Onestonetogo · 18/07/2010 17:41

YABU. Let the girls decide when they're old enough. Jesus allegedly wasn't baptised until he was 30 after all.

Besides, if the point ot baptism is to wash the sin off the baby so if baby dies it can go straight to heaven instead of limbo, be aware that limbo was officially abolished by the pope a few years ago, so any unbaptised baby goes straight to heaven.

I think it's important that parents don't pass on their own brand of religion to their children, but let them make up their own minds when they are old enough to think for themselvesw.

lovechoc · 18/07/2010 17:56

YABVU - let your DC make an informed decision when they are old enough to know about religion! What is the rush??

I went through a phase of wondering if I should get DS christened but tbh I decided it's really up to him to decide when he is old enough to make up his own mind.

I was christened as a child and it means nothing to me now - I haven't seen my Godparents since I was tiny. It was all the done thing back then ofcourse, so-and-so is doing it, so I'll have to do it too

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/07/2010 18:11

Well, I am an atheist and a godparent, so the two are not neccessarily incompatible. Can you ask DH why he agreed a couple of months ago but now not?

moonstorm · 18/07/2010 18:12

I'm and athiest, dh is catholic. For us there were two options:

  1. Have ds christened (lip service on my part). For me the christening means nothing, and made no difference to ds (he won't even remember it)
  1. Not have him christened and let him make up his own mind when older.

My choice would have been 2, but it meant more to dh than me, so he was christened. If ds decides to believe, fine, but if he doesn't no harm done.

Don't know whether YABU or not . You could get him christened and just leave dh at home

Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 18/07/2010 18:39

Little silver - WTF...? I go to church, I take the DCs to church when I can (they are only 3.5 and 1 and i intend to take them to sunday school when they are old enough) and it isn't about a party, I believe in god and this is important to me.

MactheWife - what you say makes sense and I think that is what we are going to agree on, it is meeting in the middle and is a compromise on both our parts.

For those who say get them christened when they can make the decision themselves, a lot of the christening is about the parents too, asking for god's guidance in bringing the children up.

Anyway it is good to hear everyone's views.

OP posts:
DilysPrice · 18/07/2010 18:44

Would you be happy to do the christening with DH just standing there with his mouth shut and not joining in? because that's how it would (and should) go.
I'm guessing that he could join in the thanksgiving fully, but for an actual christening, where you have to make some very specific commitments, he'd have to either lie or opt out - if you're very committed to wanting them christened then you'd have to live with those choices, but they're not exactly ideal.

00000000000000 · 18/07/2010 18:48

, I am an atheist and a godparent, so the two are not neccessarily incompatible

well actuallt they are

what ou have done is made promises you have absolutel no intention of keeping.

which is nice.

trixie123 · 18/07/2010 18:50

WhereYouLeftIt can I ask why you said yes to being a Godparent if you are an atheist? I am atheist also and said no when asked by a friend because I did not think it appropriate to stand up and promise to help raise the child in the Christian faith when I would not be doing so. I agreed with the mother that I would be a sort of "fairy godmother" and in all non-religious respects regard him as my godson (ie presents, more regular visits etc)but really felt it would be wrong to knowingly tell a barefaced lie at the ceremony. I am not trying to pick a fight but would like to know your thoughts on this

RunawayWife · 18/07/2010 18:54

Tell him not to go then, stupid selfish man

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 18:56

We had a thanksgiving service for our DTDs, and DH and I are both Christian. TBH, the vicar seemed pleased with our choice (it was really obvious!) because he is of the view that children should be allowed to make up their own mind when they're old enough, and we agree. The thanksgiving service was lovely - a way of showing our thanks for their birth, and to committing to bring them up in a particular way, but without making promises on their behalf. It almost felt that the thanksgiving option was about us and what we intend to do, whereas the full-on baptism was about saying that the twins would do things that they were too young to actually make decisions about, IYSWIM. I believe we made absolutely the right choice, and think that it would be a good compromise for you - if your DH wasn't aware of this option, then he's not really moving the goalposts, just asking you to consider another option.

Think about what you want to achieve, and whether this about the children, or about you.

We still have godparents, BTW, and they played a part in the service.

BusyMissIzzy · 18/07/2010 19:00

I'm also curious about your comment WhereYouLeftIt. Presumably the parents know you wouldn't raise their child in the Christian faith, and are happy with that? Or maybe they aren't Christian themselves and had the ceremony more for tradition, or to please relatives? Don't mean to be nosy, just interested (and hopefully less judgy-sounding than 00000000000000

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2010 21:30

I am also a godparent and not religious. I did it because it was what my friend wanted.I felt honoured to be asked. If something did happen to my friend and I was given custody of her dd, I would raise her in the faith that her parents had chosen, even though it is not my faith. I also think that being a god parent is about other commitments you make to the child, not just religion. For me it means being a support to the child, another person to step up if need be (and to provide nice pressies at Christmas etc).

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 18/07/2010 21:53

i think you and your Dh need a really good heart to heart - obviously you are feeling let down - but YOU moved the goal posts in the first place by NOT sticking to the agreement on no christenings. Do you really want to have a strop and force him into something he does not feel happy about? TBH even with a thanksgiving there is a religious element - it is far more than a celebration of a babys safe arrival.

people often think that a God parent is the same as nominating someone you would wish to raise your DC if you and their father were killed, or like an extra surrogate auntie or soemthing - this is not so

the "duty" of a God parent is to be,in addition to the parents, a Christian role model, and the promises they make reflect this - anyone agreeing to be a Godparent and saying they are atheist is a hypocrite in my book, and I honestly cannot see why any christian parent to whom the service truly means something, would ask an atheist to be Godparent - even if that person would make a great role model and guardian if the parents died

and we are, like others on this thread, christian parents who have NOT had our babies baptised as we want them to be able to choose that for themselves if they wish

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2010 22:08

I think it is possible to have broadly Christian moral values without actually believing in God. In that sense they can be a role model for a christian child. Perhaps the people who have chosen atheist godparents think that the character and way of life of the people chosen is the most imp factor. Tbh, I've met people who would describe themselves as christian, who don't have a compassionate bone in their bodies, and if I was religious and wanting godparents for my DC I know what type of person I would prefer if I had to choose.
I don't really think that a person can be a hypocrite if they have been completely upfront about their beliefs

EvilTwins · 18/07/2010 22:26

But karma, to be a godparent, you have to stand up in public and make certain promises, all of which refer to renouncing the devil, believing in Christ and living your life in the Christian faith. How can anyone who does not believe in God do that. Surely they would be lying.

Bousy · 18/07/2010 22:43

I think you should respect his views. They are his DC too, and in a way it's good that he feels strongly about this and is prepared to take a stand, even though that makes things difficult for you (it would be worse if he said 'do whatever you want, I don't care'). You need to discuss and work out a compromise. Personally I think a thanksgiving service, which leaves them the option of pursuing being christened later in life when they're able to make a decision, is the best way forward.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2010 22:44

I was honest with the parents and my friend (who is the daughter of a vicar) did not feel conflicted. She also chose other godparents who are religious, so I suppose she felt the religious aspect was covered. There are other considerations when choosing GPs in addition to the religious ones. I would agree to and support the child being raised in the Christian faith. To do otherwise would be disrespectful to my friend. I live my life in a broadly Christian way, so that will have to be good enough. I don't think I can lie to a God that I don't believe in, so for me, I was making a promise to the parents.