To want to have them christened

[whoneedssleepanyway]

When DD1 was born DH said no to having her christened as he doesn't believe in god. Whilst it was important to me I agreed as didn't want to impose something he didn't believe in. A few months back I made a casual remark after a family event that it would have been nice to have had the girls christened. He turned round and said we can if you want. So we discussed it and I booked a date with the vicar invited family and asked friends to be godparents all which was agreed with DH.

The vicar has now sent two options for service a baptism or just a thanksgiving for birth of a child. Stupidly I mentioned the two options to DH and he has now said he won't come unless we do thanksgiving and not Christening. I am so upset about this he has completely moved the goal posts after having agreed. I don't know what to do now but part of me feels like sod him and going ahead with Christening in hope he doesn't follow through with his threat. He said I today I am not going to be bullied into this but I haven't I respected his wishes and he changed his mind and has now changed it back.

I'm really sorry i'm too tired to read all the replies but this was my situation;

DH is Catholic, I'm not anything. we got married in church as it was important for him.

We now have a DS and so DH obviously wanted him to be christened. I was honest and said that I wasn't completely comfortable with this as I think children should be allowed to make their own decision when they are old enough. DH sees being christened as helping DS to be brought up with a good moral and ethical foundation. Again it was very important to him, whereas I am not a "vehement athiest" so to speak. So I made it clear that as DS gets older I will explain my views to him re: God and religion so he hears both sides.

For the ceramony we told the priest that I and our chosen godmother were not Catholic or religious so would stand by the alter but would not say anything during the ceramony that we did not believe in (which was pretty much all of it!) We chose the godmother we did because she is one of our closest friends who will be a brilliant moral guardian to our DS as he grows up, and the fact that she is not catholic, nor christian, is by the by. The priest was fine with this (his Godfather is catholic).

At the party afterwards both my friend and I got some comments from friends and family about our silence during the service, but we explained our reasoning and that was that.

So I think the bottom line for us was - DH's faith is much more important to him than my lack of faith is to me, and DH has no issue with us bringing DS up hearing both sides and making his own decision as he gets older, but according to DH religious beliefs not being christianed could have reprecussions for him (assuming the catholics have got it right all along!).

And it REALLY annoys me when people assume we got him christianed so he can go to a good school!!!!

I think the thanksgiving ceremony sounds like a nice compromise. I imagine that's why the church offers it in the first place.

FWIW, my parents had exactly this argument (although my mum is Catholic and my dad is Protestant). I was christened with no probs, my brother was christened without my father present (he refused to attend) and my two youngest siblings were christened by my mother, in secret.

The situation clearly deteriorated to the point of ridiculousness. I remember it, and have often wondered whether it was worth all the aggro (and there was a crapload of aggro - very nasty) - not one of my siblings and I are in any way religious, Catholic, Protestant or otherwise. TBH our upbringing is probably what put us off.

You need to pick your battles, I suppose. If I was your DH I would make more of a fuss over churchgoing/Sunday school. What will either of you gain from this?

Sorry not to have responded to posts earlier, have only just returned to this thread. Parents were indeed aware of my atheism; if I remember correctly, I was told I was the preferred choice as godparent because I would encourage my godchild to ask questions and explore faith rather than accept dogma. I did not feel as if I was lying when I made those promises in church, and I had every intention of keeping them - I think I have over the past 12 years.

1. renounce the devil - check. I regard 'the devil' as the dark urges that we all have rather than a mythical fallen angel. We are all capable of evil, and if we are aware of that we can renounce/resist.

1. Believe in Christ - check. I'm pretty sure he existed (I just don't see him as divine).

1. raise the child in the Christian faith - check. I have no problem with Christ, the system of morality he put forward is one I can agree with. The whole love one another, do as you would be done by - why would I not encourage my godchild to have that attitude to life?

I guess I have always seen The Bible as an attempt by the poets (and politicians) of the day to explain the world around themselves, so not to be taken literally but interpreted, considering the authors and the circumstances at the time of writing. I find merit (and demerits) in all the major religions, I just don't believe in God/divinity/sacredness/sacrilege etc.

How much does it mean to you?

I think a previous poster put it very well that DC's christening meant more to her DH than her lack of belief meant to her.

DP and I operate a similar system over things we disagree on. The first thing we explore is how much we really care. e.g. DC's go to a church school because I really care, DP just wants the children to go to a good school so obviously so long as chirch school is a good school it's no skin off his nose.

I like the later explainations too.
DD's have 3 Godparents each, only one for each is Catholic (Minimum requirement according to our priest). For the first "batch" of Godparents one of the 6 ia atheist, so we had naming ceremony for all 6 GP's and had them all pledge something to DD's. Atheist pledged to put the other side to them. That he would do so is one of the reasons we chose him. There's great value in making your own decision. Until you are able to do so, your parents make the decisions for you.

Perhaps asking DH why he feels this way would be a good start. It is just possible that he has a viewpoint that you might not be fully considering, very often We atheists get accused of not caring one way or another and that is obvious nonsense. besides, just a basic level of honesty would stop him wanting to make the necessary oaths, never mind the presumption that his child is unclean, it's all a bit offensive to a rational mind.

Why should your wishes take precedence if he feels strongly on this. it is not enough to assume he is being unreasonable for no reason, it sound as though he being expected to pander to YOUR faith when you could meet him half way.

Sorry, that was to the OP.

I appreciate your difficult situation, having gone through a very sismilar situation myself. We resolved it thus:

When DS was born, I wanted him christened in the parish CofE church but that would have involved baptismal classes for DH and me and he said 'no'. We, at the time, went to a toddler gorup at our local catholic church and the priest said that he would happily christen DS even knowing that DH did not want to be invovled - and DH came and stood but did not speak.

But that whole event made DH so uncomfortable that for both DDs (2 and 5 years later) he said he would not attend, even though it mattered to me. I felt I couldnt go ahead with him just sitting at home so agreed on this compromise: when he went away for his 40th birthday with friends, I had both of the girls christened at our local CofE church, where the kids had been going to Sunday school for several years, with just the 2 godmothers in attendance, no party, just the ceremony. And DH out of the country.

So I am content they were christened and DH was not embarassed at having to stand up and not be counted or to feel he was excluded.

Now everyone I know thinks this was odd - but I dont care - DH thought the ceremony meant nothing so its not 'against' anything that matters to him; he did not have to appear hypocritical and I am happy to know my children are part of the church (and now they're older, all teenagers, they make their own (occassional!) choices about attendance).

Thanks everyone. DH and I have had a chat about it all, he was really upset that I was upset. EvilTwins you hit the nail on the head, he wasn't back tracking but hadn't been aware that a thanksgiving ceremony was an option and feels more comfortable with this.

I think like a number of you said a thanksgiving is a good compromise, we read through the service that the vicar had sent us and it wouldn't involve DH making representations he wasn't happy with and i feel much happier now.

I think our vicar will be happy with our decision and wonder if that is why he sent us the two options when i asked for a christening. He knows from when we got married that DH is an atheist as DH was honest with him about this during our marriage lessons and he was very understanding and said it didn't matter as we were making representations to one another in front of good so it was enough for him that I was a Christian and didn't matter again that DH didn't.

Hopefully problem resolved...just have to tell my mum now that it is a Thanksgiving rather than a Christening and i am sure she will have her views but it isn't her decision

Wow, it's a Mumsnet miracle! (appropriately)

A poster on AIBU has listened seriously to everyone's politely and cogently expressed points of view, taken them on board, and used them as a basis for a productive change in her original stance.

As a Christian who is a member of a Baptist church (so we only baptise adults who have made a personal commitment to the Christian faith), I think the thanksgiving service sounds lovely and very appropriate. That's what we'll be having for our children at our church.

As for your mother's views, I bet she doesn't really notice the difference, except that water won't get sprinkled.

Well done for taking the time to think about this and speak to your DH about it. If only all AIBU threads could end this happily!