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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not think it's worth trying for a long-term long distance relationship?

30 replies

Beethoven · 18/07/2010 12:40

Met a new man, he's got a job in Exeter with a fixed contract for four years. I've just started a full-time university course (I'm a mature student) that will keep me in Cardiff for four years. Unless I drop my course or he changes his job, I don't even see the point in trying for a long-distance relationship for four years, even though we have fantastic chemistry.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Alambil · 18/07/2010 12:44

it's only a 2 hour journey - hardly that far away, imo

can't you meet up on the weekends? do old-style courting where people would only see each other at the weekends to hang out anyway?

LittleMissHissyFit · 18/07/2010 12:48

You'll never know unless you try, and 2hours is hardly long distance... go for it!

Original poster

Beethoven · 18/07/2010 12:49

Thanks, it's not the two hours that really bothers me, it's the four years. To add some info, I'm 30

OP posts:

Alambil · 18/07/2010 12:55

try it - if it works, great.. if not, then you had fun while it lasted

LostArt · 18/07/2010 12:59

My relationship with DH started as a long distance one. We've been together for nearly 20 years (although we do live together now!)

Original poster

Beethoven · 18/07/2010 13:07

I think there's a consensus forming here, to which I should listen

OP posts:

seenyertoeslately · 18/07/2010 13:10

Crikey, I wouldn't describe this as a long distance relationship. For the last 7 years I've been in one with someone who lives in another country from me and we still manage to meet up every 2 or 3 weekends. (I know this kind of arrangement isn't what most people want but it suits me).

I think you need to take the advice of the other posters and see how it goes. You're not actually having to make a commitment for 4 years if you carry on seeing him, are you?

Ladyanonymous · 18/07/2010 13:15

Long distance relationships are great - never get on each others nerves and always value time together.

2 hours is nothing go for it .

Original poster

Beethoven · 18/07/2010 13:19

I agree with your point about long distance relationships being great fun, in that you don't get to annoy each other. But doesn't that mask the truth of the relationship? There are loads of men I'd like if I only had to see them every couple of weeks

OP posts:

Original poster

Beethoven · 18/07/2010 13:22

I'm noticing that everyone seems to agree that IABU. I need to work out what is holding me back? Am I just too much of a coward?

OP posts:

Ladyanonymous · 18/07/2010 13:25

Every man I have ever had a relationship with (and there have been a few) I would've liked to see every few weeks .

I love missing him and looking forward to seeing him, and all our time together is great. We never argue as we don't want to waste our time together bickering.

I think you get use to it and it means to don't build your entire life around one person.

We see each other every weekend (nearly) but next year he will go away for 9 months where we will only be able to contact each other by letter - its daunting but hes my forever man so we'll get through it.

I think we'll do anything for someone who is worth it to us.

Original poster

Beethoven · 18/07/2010 14:05

Ladyanonymous,

If the ultimate goal is to live together, is there a risk of ignoring the bad points. I've had a long distance relationship before and it was great when we only saw each other every other week because we were happy to see each other. When we moved in, we realised what a mistake it was.

OP posts:

Ladyanonymous · 18/07/2010 14:08

Beethoven I can see your point and I don't know the answer as obviously we are unlikely to live together in the next few years - we have also only been together for 7 months so still in the first flush of love

We will be spending three weeks together in the summer holidays though so after that I am expecting to either want to marry him or murder him .

BaggedandTagged · 18/07/2010 14:15

If you like him, I'd try it and not worry too much about four years time.

I find the main issue of long distance relationships is that you're under pressure to get everything done in the week so your weekends are free and you feel bad if you end up taking weekends "off" to go and see girlfriends etc

Many women with men in the forces or on the rigs dont see them that often and still manage to have successful relationships.

BaggedandTagged · 18/07/2010 14:16

Oh yeah, if it makes you feel better, my friend once only saw her DH for 7 waking hours in 3 weeks and they live in the same house! (he works in investment banking)

FakePlasticTrees · 18/07/2010 14:26

DH and I started out living in different countries for the first 4 years. You are looking at a relationship where you can see each other every weekend, all your uni holidays, uni reading weeks etc. If something happens one day, he can just jump in the car and be there in a couple of hours.

If it's not a different time zone, it barely counts as 'long distance' in my mind, that's just living in different houses with a bit of a drive between!

If he's the right one, he'll be worth it. If he's not, you'll split up after a couple of months with the extra pressure of the distance.

cory · 18/07/2010 14:32

We lived in different countries for the best part of 10 years and for most of that time were too poor to use the phone: I have boxes up in the attic full of letters. Of course there was a risk of the romance of long distance masking the real relationship- but that was a risk we were willing to take. And our marriage worked out very happily.

Tee2072 · 18/07/2010 14:37

My husband and I maintained a 5000 mile + long distance relationship for nearly 3 years before I pulled up and moved from San Francisco to Belfast.

No masking of bad points because we spoke so much. On phone, by IM, through email, visiting in person several times.

It is doable.

We've now been married for nearly 6 years, been together for nearly 10, and have a 13 month old son.

Oh and I was 31 when we met, 35 when we got married.

Ladyanonymous · 18/07/2010 14:42

OP - Do you think you are using the distance as an excuse not to try for some reason?

Are there other reasons you think the relationship may not work out? IYSWIM?

I never even questioned the distance when I met OH (or the fact that hes in the RN)- I just fell in love with every ounce of his being and have never felt so happy (esp after a couple of particually shit yrs). I knew the second time I met him that he was the person who was made for me.

He says that hes always with me even when we are not together.

Sorry v cheesy I know - I'm leaving...

rosieposey · 18/07/2010 14:56

My now DH and i started off seeing each other long distance, i had a previous relationship too that was long distance but when it came to the crunch and we got tired of it it just didnt work out.

DH and i decided that we would never be more than one night apart and spent every other weekend with each other (with my three DD's in tow) It was hard, tiring but it worked. We had the same sort of distance too - Guildford and Swindon. I used to get up at 5.30 sometimes in the week to get back to Guildford for uni lectures and to get the girls to school (luckily they loved him to bits so they thought it was worth doing as well) We moved in together after a year and had DS and got married within the next.

If you think enough of this person and 'its right' you will do it no matter the distance, i hope you can do what makes you both happy

rosieposey · 18/07/2010 15:00

Sorry that was supposed to read 'spent EVERY weekend with each other' at each others houses - we took it in turns

MrsGokWan · 18/07/2010 15:20

My DH and I spent the first 4 years 350 miles apart. No mobile phones or internet in those days. So the phone box at the end of the road and letters and meeting up once a month had to do.

I was 29 when we started our relationship so only a year younger than you. We have been married 12 years this year and have been together 16 years in total and have three children.

So it can work if you want it to.

littleshinyone · 18/07/2010 15:23

met my DH when we were living 5h away. Did that for 3 years, and then he moved to where i was and we bought a flat. lived there together for 2 years before i relocated for another year- 3 1/2 hours away, then we got married and have just had first baby and 3rd wedding anniversary.

It's not ideal, but it galvanises opinion early on. It makes the most of time on your own and makes your time together really special.

Exeter- cardiff really isn't that far, in the scheme of things.

TheFallenMadonna · 18/07/2010 15:27

Me: Edinburgh, DH: London then Bradford for 4 years.

I know the East Coast mainline like the back of my hand...

kayah · 18/07/2010 15:33

uni is only about 33 weeks a year
and in that time you are going to see him most weekends

ia all about personalities and if you are suitable for such relationship

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