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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think there is not a peado on every corner

84 replies

racmac · 16/07/2010 20:43

In car park yesterday and mum is putting money in pay & display - child of about 10 appears and mum says
"i told u to stay in car - cant believe you walked across the car park, a nasty man might have taken you before you got to me"

I mean ffs - she was old enough to walk across a car park, why tell your child that every man is bad

OP posts:
anonom · 22/07/2010 20:35

Can I just say that although rare, when this does happen to your child it's devastating. IME it wasn't a trampy looking man or dodgy looking neighbour, but an extremely posh woman's son at a coffee morning. I think it's misguided to ignore the dangers. I have name changed by the way.

junkfood · 22/07/2010 21:19

From personal experience,I was completely shocked at the number of stories I have heard. I use the term story but they are first hand traumatic experiences.
I imagine the figures and stats quoted in Nottinghamshire of offenders or people known to police are the tip of the iceberg. There are many more not known.

anonom · 22/07/2010 22:12

Thank you junkfood - this thread has been really upsetting me. I know our perpetrator went under the radar because he was not of age for it to be deemed malicious or sexual. As such there was no comeback for him and he didn't go on any records and his family chose not to seek treatment for him. Yet we were left with an injured and severely distressed child. Sorry - think I'm probably the thread killer on this one. But I am now probably that parent in the car park that is deemed odd or unreasonable - just can't help it.

ItsGraceActually · 22/07/2010 22:29

YANBU! Even if there is a paedophile on every street corner, in every public loo and every car park - the chances they'll suddenly rush up to any given DC are infinitesimal. Incidents of child abduction have not increased AT ALL in 40+ years. We warn children of 'stranger danger', just as we always have - and that seems work well enough

ItsGraceActually · 22/07/2010 22:32

anonom, I am very sorry this happened in your family. You're probably more aware than most of how extremely unfortunate you were.

PrimroseCrabapple · 22/07/2010 23:08

when i was 10, 8 girls in my class (of 25 children)were groomed and abused (and given stds)by a paedophile who lived near them. he was jailed.

When I was 14 a neighbour's 8 year old narrowly avoided abduction on her way home from school, popular walking route loads of kids on the way home. the man was caught and charged.

Our school janitor (seniors) was well known for his interest in 14-16 year olds.

My granny had a "funny uncle" and she and her two sisters were warned never to be alone with him.

I am well aware of the possibilities and my children are educated in what to do if they feel uncomfortable.

tokyonambu · 23/07/2010 09:34

I'm not saying the risk is zero: as I was at the cinema last night with a close friend of one of Fred West's victims, who was abducted and killed during a trip home from university, it would be stupid to do so.

However, the point is that hundreds of children are killed and severely injured by or in cars (the main risk in car parks, as it happens: I worry about my children in car parks, because of the cars), maimed by senseless domestic accidents with boiling, corrosive and poisonous liquids and killed and paralysed in sports accidents. These are accidents that are in many cases preventable, and are probably reducing overall because of better seatbelts, more routine 'childproofing' both of houses and of individual containers, and better safety processes in sports. But they happen, and will continue to happen.

Children are also routinely abused, sexually and otherwise, within families and extended family settings, along with (perhaps, although we don't know, less than in the past) settings like schools and churches. Certainly, child protection processes in such settings have improved, and although professionals I'm sure would in some ways prefer a return to the days of deference, the unwillingness of parents to defer to authority is a very a good thing indeed in terms of dealing with potential abuse in institutional settings.

But for all that, there is a steady drumbeat of children being harmed, sexually and otherwise, by strangers who abduct their prey. The number normally quoted is about ten a year, which is about a one in a million risk for each child per year, with the death rate a small fraction of that. If you drive your child two hundred miles, or take a plane flight to a holiday in Spain, that's about an additional one in a million risk of death. Clearly, sexual assault has far deeper emotional resonance than a car accident, but in most circumstances a 1 in a million chance of death is in considered small.

Humans aren't very good about reasoning about risk. There's a certain amount of risk acclimatisation, which means that you are happy to live with risks that are familiar, even though they are in reality quite high (cars, boiling water). When the risk is very low, but the outcome extremely unpleasant, we tend to regard the risk as larger than it really is. This is especially true when it's one we can't really control: we all feel that we're better drivers than average, which is why people worry more about planes and trains (safer, but you're not in control) more than cars (much more dangerous, but you're more able to make a difference). Sex assault by stranger is frightening because we feel that there's little we can do.

But wearing a seatbelt, driving a car with anti-lock braking (probably the single most important car safety measure both for passengers and pedestrians in the past few decades), not flying on third-world airlines and avoiding standing in the leading and trailing cars of a train are all safety measures we can take for ourselves, depending on our risk appetite, which have almost no downside. There's no conceivable scenario on the road (as opposed to a rally stage) where ABS is bad for you. Fear of sex assault does have a downside, because it paralyses scout groups and fishing clubs and the willingness of people to offer help to distressed children.

Last week I was out on a bike ride and I came across a child weeping on a street corner with a scooter lying on the ground. I was on my own, in a quiet area, with no other adults around so I rode on 400 yards, stopped, and phoned the police. That cannot, cannot, be right. My neighbour did not let her daughter walk to school on her own, even at 18 (my daughters get a bus across town and have done since 11). A parent who points out that they went to university interviews in the 1980s on their own and therefore their children can bloody well get a train is held to be taking unreasonable risks, even though mobile phones mean the risks are rationally far lower (I bet many people here made long train journeys on their own in their early teens: what's changed, so that children are now almost always accompanied to open days?)

The culture of fear of abusers, and "risks" more generally has a real downside. Trying to be rational has you slated as heartless, but it has to be done, as we are raising children who have entirely miscalibrated risk appraisal.

cory · 23/07/2010 10:15

Very good post, tokyo

for a completely bizarre instance of risk assessment, let me quote the following

I was waiting to cross a busy road one morning a few years ago when a toddler suddenly appeared from behind and tried to launch himself straight into the oncoming traffic

I put my arm out and restrained him

his mother caught up and glared at me, and then snatched him away without speaking

To her, clearly, the risk of having a child even touched by a stranger (I couldn't have got away with him) was greater than that of him running straight into moving traffic.

How's that for a piece of risk assessment?

Breton1900 · 23/07/2010 11:56

FindingMyMojo originally wrote: "There might not be a 'paedo' on every corner, but there will be a man who looks at inappropriate photos online not far a way."

FMM then wrote: "BRETON can you honestly say as a FACT that no men you know download child porn. No of course you don't - how could you possibly know that?"

No I can't but then I never claimed that I could!

So in reply I will simply ask this, FindingMyMojo can you honestly state, as a FACT, that you KNOW that there WILL be a man who looks at inappropriate photos online not far away?

No of course you can't. How could you possibly know that?

That's the point I was making. YOU can't KNOW!

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