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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner is very overweight ,he recently had been diagonised with Gout and has been told if he does not cut drinking,over eating he will not live to see his kids past 40,as he will more than likely

30 replies

sweetbloom · 14/07/2010 21:12

have a heart attack,I will admit he has let himself go, I love him and want the best for him and our d'sc,he should start to take care of himself for his own health and for for our children.
I do not want to lose him,My only grieviance is that he works long hours,so he can only exercise in the week in the eve
I appreciate this but find myself bringing up two children on my own alot,We do not get much time alone,or Family time.
I want him to be healthy and will support him but he also says he will encourage me to have more free time with childcare in the week so I can have some free time to myself.
Aibu? to think three night's out is to much?,two nights are now boys night,the other a fitness night.
Is he taking the pee a bit or aibu?.
Thanks for reading and listening.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/07/2010 21:13

He's taking the piss.

You need to hire some help so you get free time, too.

Alambil · 14/07/2010 21:16

he's taking the piss. If he's that overweight, walking up and down the stairs 20 times at home will help and raising tins of beans over his head like dumbells and squats whilst using the wall to support him - there's LOADS of stuff he can do to move at home

diggingintheribs · 14/07/2010 21:17

sounds like he needs to cut out the boys nights out and replace them with fitness nights

and yes - you need time out too so childcare a necessity

Undertone · 14/07/2010 21:17

30 day shred only takes 20 minutes and can be done in living room. What does he eat?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 14/07/2010 21:20

what does he do on the boys nights out?

drink? eat?

Not going to be doing him much good if so. Is it?

It's funny. You can have a doctor look you in the eye and say You Are Going To DIE and you still don't accept it. Still carry on as you are and say you'll start tomorrow.

Until you run out of tomorrows.

Sidge · 14/07/2010 21:21

He needs to cut his boys nights out and change his lifestyle.

Maybe you could get a babysitter and do something physical together? Go for a walk, swim, dance, have sex

I have this cartoon up in my treatment room. I think it's quite relevant.

Original poster
sweetbloom · 14/07/2010 21:21

I have just filled the forms for my ds to start playgroup in September for four mornings,I currentley only work every saturday.
Although Im looking to find a part time job in the week for a break,for my own peace of mind,and for my own finacial independance thanks lady's..

OP posts:
maktaitai · 14/07/2010 21:23

Do those boys' nights include drinking?

I'd be amazed if they don't?

hairytriangle · 14/07/2010 21:30

He's only doing exercise one night a week? But having boy's nights twice a week? I think he needs to sort out his priorities.

He should be doing exercise three or four times a week, watching his diet carefully, giving up drinking and eating very healthily.

Can I recommend Slimming World.

One boys night a week (without drink or junk food) would be acceptable.

Can you not find family fitness things to do? a kick about at the park, swimming, or something like that? Even just walking is god for you and would make a difference.

If he's very overweight, on slimming world and with some exercise he could lose a stone a month! I've seen it in action!

SloanyPony · 14/07/2010 21:39

I'm sick of hearing about exercise like its the answer to all these problems.

It would be great if he could increase his activity.

But he needs to look at his diet and drinking first, or his efforts are wasted.

1 pound of body fat is equal to 3,500 calories. To burn off 3,500 calories the average woman would need to do 6 step classes, walk briskly for almost 9 hours or run for 33 miles! That's a shedload of exercise.

Yet, to eat 3,500 calories she?d need to chomp through almost 50 apples or just two and a half Indian takeaways

See where I'm going?

Exercise is great, its healthy, it boosts your loss, it helps you maintain, but its not the be all and end all when you are just starting out - start with the food. Add exercise when you are in the swing of it. If he's thinking he can't do it because he can't exercise, he's wrong - he can do it anyway, but he has to clue up on what's going in his mouth. Exercise is a good, healthy booster and bonus.

hairytriangle · 14/07/2010 21:45

Sorry Sloany but exercise IS part of the answer.

It strikes me that with that attitude, you could well be enabling him.

If he is so overweight that he has been told he could have a heart attack before 40, then that is a really big problem, and needs his every effort, exercise and diet and everything he can possibly do.

He needs to increase his physical fitness if he's at risk of heart attack, as well as losing weight.

I lost two stone, a pound a week on slimming world.

Others in that class lost a stone a month (admittedly they were morbidly obese and I was just overweight).

I'm sick of overweight people who just don't see the quite obvious ways to lose weight.

Eat Less, Move More. That is the secret to weight loss.

SloanyPony · 14/07/2010 21:48

Of course its part of the answer - I didn't say it wasn't. But its not the answer to everything. Seriously, one fitness night, when he's having 2 boys nights out, and no mention of dietary change? Focus in the wrong place, in my opinion.

So many blokes seem to think that if they go to the gym a couple of times a week the fat will fall off them.

It wont.

hairytriangle · 14/07/2010 21:51

Yanbu You are quite right.

newstart2010 · 14/07/2010 22:01

YANBU to think that 3 nights out of the house per week is not fair if two of them are boys nights out. If you were saying he went to the gym 3 nights per week i would say that is fine but you still need to find some time just for you.

Would also be interested to know what he is doing on these boys nights out?

expatinscotland · 14/07/2010 22:02

How old is he that he needs 'boys' nights out?

Original poster
sweetbloom · 14/07/2010 22:07

He is 37 years old,one poker night out,one boys night out, drinking is involved.
And this week one night playing squash.
I'm sad I dont go out at all.

OP posts:
IFancyKevinELevin · 14/07/2010 22:09

Have to second Hairytriangle suggesions. Slimming world - you don't have to go to a group, go online at home from the comfort of your armchair.

I was 19 stone and lost easily on this. You are never hungry, and it's great for men as you can eat steak, chicken, bacon, pasta etc.

Weightloss affects you slowly you take it for granted that you always used to puff up the stairs, have achey joints etc. It'll only take a few stone shed to make him realise that energy comes back and it's the fat that makes you feel crap.

A short walk to the post box, video shop etc every night, is a start. Wii fit? Do it together, he is probably feeling awful, and if he's like the old me, when I felt down I felt for the crisp or biscuit packet. Be supportive.

Good luck.

hairytriangle · 14/07/2010 22:10

sweetbloom - he's neglecting his responsibilities as a father and a partner. Can you put your foot down? So that he stays in at least one of his boys nights out and does some exercise when the kids go to bed, so that you can go out?

SixtyFootDoll · 14/07/2010 22:20

He needs to spend more time with you for a start
He is a husband and a father not a teenager.
Poker Night? Every week? FFS!

newstart2010 · 14/07/2010 22:36

forget poker and boys night drinking, he needs to get his health on track and give you some time. x

Original poster
sweetbloom · 14/07/2010 22:59

If I was to suggest he went out one night with the lads for a drink or two,the other for squash,badminton with friends the other for us, for us to to do something competitive together?.
I will admit it would be good for us to to spend some quality time together, is this more resonable?.

OP posts:
newstart2010 · 14/07/2010 23:10

That sounds very reasonable to me, he is lucky you are so reasonable...

I would tell him he can have one night out with friends once every two weeks and the rest of the time either exercise or give you atleast one evening per week to do something for yourself as you are also a human and need to be treated that way.

You are not just a baby making machine

Original poster
sweetbloom · 14/07/2010 23:20

Ok I have been invited for two separate holidays, camping with our ds's and my neighbour and her two dc's,the other is with sisters partner and son and step son in the six's weeks holiday.
He is unable to get time of from work,as he saving hols till xmas now, should I go,this would be a first time for me as I never do anything on my own and both are two to three days?.

OP posts:
NickOfTime · 14/07/2010 23:29

i would - i took the kids camping with the girls when dh couldn't get time off.

but will he just use the evenings you are away as the opportunity for more boys nights?

Original poster
sweetbloom · 14/07/2010 23:32

I get to be with the kids,a friend let my hair down and a holiday all in one, he can cook,wash and keep house result I say.
Evil cackle shreaks the front room.

OP posts:
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