to expect my DP to do *some* housework?

[WillMcSquirtersMum]

I don't expect him to do half, all I'm asking for is just some light tidying a couple of times a week and putting his clothes away after I've washed them. I'm currently on maternity leave with DS2 (now 6 months). DS1 at nursery 4 days a week.

He claims he does lots as all the gardening is left to him, but that's only lawn cutting for 6 months of the year and about 2 days tidying in the spring.

I got a right ear bashing this morning as I took him to work and dropped DS1 off at nursery about how untidy the house is. I do my best, but I'm limited to when DS2 is napping, and I have to cook then.

Why do people put up marrying/living with such nasty men? Given that he's given you an 'ear bashing' don't tidy the house up on principle. If it bothers him so much, he'll get around to it eventually. Go on strike.

He's not nasty, he's generally v nice. However, he was brought up by an overly nice mother who ran around after him and his brother, so he was never trained to tidy up after himself.

Having said that, re-reading my thread, I do look like a doormat.

I wouldn't take him too seriously, some can be moody in the mornings, I'm sure he realises you have your hands full. If not, when you have him in a 'good' mood, remind him gently what a tiring day you have, I'm sure he'll agree.

Ask for a maid.

chil1234

people are waaaaay to fast to scream abuse. he gave her a bollocking about the house! he did not beat her, cheat her.

I'd present the inforamtion logicially, draft a timetable showing typical day. show him how in fact there are very very little windows for housework. neither of you want to live in a messy house. ask him what can he do?

I bloody work full time AND I do the bulk of housework, its annoying!!!

My husband is a complete saint and does loads around the house, sometimes I don't tell him how much I appreciate him. We both have busy lives and so share the household chores (although I think he does more than me!. I have a friend who runs around her husband making his sandwiches and cleaning the house every morning before going to work and then doing the ironing, making tea etc. when she gets in and he doesn't do anything. I guess it's what you are prepared to put up with, and if you want a more equal spread of chores then talk about it, otherwise I think you have to put up with it. Don't get cross, just talk and keep calm, put your case forward rationally and let him express his side of it too. Maybe he just doesn't understand how much you do during a day. - Off to do the ironing now! Good Luck.

How long have you been together? Why is it just an issue now? Has he always expected you to do the housework, I mean pre kids? You mention his mother but when you first got together did you not explain that as a couple you would share these things and that once you had very small children he may have to adjust again?

I always fail to understand how people get themselves into these situations.

i'm currently on maternity leave with an 11 month baby. like you, my only options to get anything done are when the baby naps. usually in the morning nap, i have a shower etc then a surf on mumsnet coffee and, before i know if, she is up again and very little has been done! maybe manage to get something done during the afternoon nap. BUT when my husband comes home, we both contribute. Eg he might start dinner while i am breastfeeding the baby before bed. Both of us contribute to cleaning etc. Then again, he probably knows I would laugh in his face if he started moaning to me about the place being untidy- the words, "if you don't like it, grab the hoover/mop/cloth and sort it out yourself" spring to mind!

I don't think Chil mentioned abuse, did she?

Porcamiseria, if you're working f/t and doing all the housework then something is wrong. How on earth do people get themselves in these situations?

Also, to add to what a poster said above, it is how you allow a situation to develop. For example, before I moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband, his mum used to do all his washing and ironing and fold it up and carry it into his room- all he had to do was put it in his wardrobe. But inevitably he didn't, it sat in a pile from which he wore some clothes and some fell on the floor. From which his mum would then pick it up and rewash and start the cycle over again.

Sorry, posted to soon- meant to add, I thought, no way am I doing that as we were both working full time. so we both did (do) our own washing. If his washing/ironing pile builds up, then so be it- his problem, not mine. If he's got no clean pants or shirts- his problem. And that's how it works for us. I mean, I wouldn't expect him to sort out my clean pants, so why would he expect me to do it for him?

onesock - we've been together 10 years and thinking about it, it's been an issue for all the time we've lived together.

It used to be that I'd shout at him for not pulling his weight, he'd then do more housework for a while and then slip back to his minimalist ways.

I've allowed the situation to develop by allowing this. Is it too late to train him?

"people are waaaaay to fast to scream abuse"

That would be you then 'screaming abuse' I said 'nasty' not 'abusive'.... God save us from men with over-indulgent mothers and who expect their partner to take over their role as 'carer'. It's just spoilt-brattery

Hope it's an object lesson to any MN members with sons. Hand them that hoover before they get to puberty. Give the next generation of women a fighting chance.

"Is it too late to train him?"

Probably. After 10 years you've confirmed his behaviour is acceptable. However, you could start small... give him one task to do on top of the biennial lawnmowing and work up from there. Some people function better on a 'one task at a time' basis rather than being asked to show initiative. Or you could arrange to go away for a weekend with girlfriendsand let him deal with house and children.

When you say he does nothing apart from the gardening, do you really mean nothing? Not bins, not DIY, not sorting out things like utilities, financial things, or anything like that?

Because, if so, yes, you are being a total doormat and need to grow a pair.

However, I don't understand why you have to wait until your baby is asleep to do housework - he's 6 months old, not 6 weeks old. Surely you could do an hour a day of leaving him in a playpen with some toys whilst you got on with stuff. I used to do an hour a day of housework, an hour of cooking and half an hour of tidying after DD had gone to bed and that was me done for the day - no need to ask DH to do anything.

I think starting small is the way to go. I seem to remember a telly program about husband training using the same techniques as you use for trraining dogs.

He doesn't appear to be able to manage initiative at home, although he's Mr Dynamic at work. He seems to be able to see mess (and complain about it), but seems to think that its my responsibility.

I'm going on holiday in a couple of weeks without him, but taking the kids with me, and he's joining us later. Was planning on leaving him a few frozen portions of spag bol etc to heat up, but I think I've just changed my mind about this.

No.

Explain to him if he wants to eat, have clean clothes then he gets of his backside and helps.

Oh and he needs to find a way to get to work without you driving him.

will - do not leave food for him. You are not his Mum, and I assume he knows how to dial for takeout if he's incapable of cooking for himself.

No, definately not nothing. He does some DIY, bins sometimes, we share putting the kids to bed and filling the dishwasher. Bills all on direct debit.

We tend to do 'big tidies' when we've got people coming round, and he does half of that. However we're generally so cheesed off with housework after this that everything then slides and there's lots to do again.

All I want is some help with the little and often. If it's too bad I'm afraid it overwhelms me and I tend to leave it.

I only drove him to work as I wanted the car today and DS1's nursery is a workplace one at his work. Believe me I don't normally.

Hmm, I have to admit I'm not sure what I think about this now you've elaborated a bit.

So he does help when he's home from work with some tasks - putting kids to bed etc. He could probably help by cooking a couple of a nights a week as well (depending on what time he gets home).

But the rest, I'm sorry, but i do think if you did it yourself during the day whilst he was at work, it wouldn't get on top of you and you wouldn't need to change him.

So yes, he might need to change a bit, but so do you. Unless there's something you're not sharing, I really don't see why you can't get hw done yourself during the day.

just stop doing it.

• first cut out all the personal services (ironing his stuff, making his lunch, clearing up his dishes, buying his clothes etc)

• then think carefully about the general work: work out what your fair share is and do that, and then just quit doing the other stuff.

• if you can afford it get some paid help (a few hours a week cleaning or ironing)

yes, things will then just not-get-done, but the world won't end... don't make a fuss, just wait and see what happens.

after awhile you'll discover he'll fill the gap, or the things weren't necessary.

Does it sound unrealistic?
But it is probably pretty much the approach he used to get you to do the stuff in the first place, and it worked...

yanbu... i wish mine would stop attempting to do the housework, im 35 weeks pg and hes trying to help me rest but he does it really badly and just annoys me...

YANBU.
My DH did (and still does) very little around the house as he works mad hours at times. When we first moved in together he got so fed up with the 'state of the place' he left me a note pointing out everything that needed doing to get the place up to his standards..
I left him one back stating everything that I'd done over the past few days including getting up at the crack of dawn with an extremely colicky baby, putting up with him rolling back home at 3am drunk and trying to have a conversation with me and generally trying to keep my sanity and the house together.
I then went out for the day with our DS and ignored my phone...
DS is now 9 years old - it took time, patience and alot of wine but I have trained DH - if not to pick up his bloody socks then to keep his mouth shut if he can't find any clean ones!

alikersh - like it!