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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ambu to expect a bit of support?

77 replies

mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 21:46

Ok i had a termination last week for lots of reasons really, i'm not physically, mentally or financially ready for another child. These are my reason if you want to judge me for them fine, but the are valid reasons to me.

Anyway, i kind of thought my two friends would be there for me, even a text to say they were thinking of me, but i got nothing. My dp has been great and has put up with me being very emotional and constantly questioning my decison. I stupidly thought that since i've been there through all of their shit they would at least send a text saying they're thinking of me. They're both on facebook right now and they haven't even sent me a private message at least how i am.

Am i reading too much into this, or would you be a little hurt too, i thought friendship was a 2 way street?

OP posts:
thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 22:46

banana I didnt say it was a good thing.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 22:49

there is no easy way out of a termination, i'm totally crushed that i even had to make the decison. when i was getting scanned i was in tears thinking about how relieved i was when i saw ds for the 1st time, and now here i am dreding this. it broke my heart in 2 but i thought they would understand, they are women too. i think i will text them in the morning but what should i say, that doesnt sound too angry

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:49

if I wrote off every friend that had ever been crap, I would have none left

and I would have been removed from a few Xmas card lists too...

bananalover · 13/07/2010 22:51

No, sorry, you din't say it was a good thing. It just makes me so mad that, when we REALLY need our friends to be there, they aren't.
I mean. this is the time when you need support the most, isn't it?

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 22:55

sorry didnt mean for that to come across angry, i could do with a female shoulder to cry on, i cant tell my mum, she would never understand. DP says if i need to talk he's there which is great, but i could really use some female support from the friends who matter most

OP posts:
Ladyanonymous · 13/07/2010 22:56

Phone one of them - now.

loopyloops · 13/07/2010 22:56

thefirstmrsDeVere I have had exactly the same when my DD was stillborn. Most friends just don't know what to say. But the friends who still haven't acknowledged it yet, 1 year on, I've come to the conclusion that they aren't my friends any more.

Mummy, you need to let them know how you feel. If they are really your friends they will support you, they probably just didn't realise you needed them.

I don't agree with abortion but that is my personal belief and supporting my friends has to come above that. Your friends, despite their beliefs, should be there for you.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 22:58

i think i might just be a noise of tears if a phone them lady

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:59

mummy...just tell them you feel a bit confused by their silence and that you need to know they are there for you

no more than that

if they are true friends, they will give themselves a slap and all will be well

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:59

leave it until tomorrow then, love

larks35 · 13/07/2010 23:00

mummysgoingmad, just say you could do with seeing them soon as you're feeling down. If it feels appropriate, tell them how let down you have felt about lack of contact when you see them.

btw I had a termination several years ago, for similar reasons you give in your OP and have realised that moving on is the only way. Beating yourself up and dwelling on "what ifs" is pointless and unhelpful to you and your loved ones. Once you've made the decision you have to "harden your heart" tbh. Maybe allocate to yourself a few mins per day/week to dwell on your loss, but at all other times work at moving on.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 23:04

Banana I know what you mean.

loopy some of my family have NEVER spoken about what happend. My DD was 14 when she died, sometimes it feels like she was never here at all.
mummy see how you feel tommorow. I have no idea what you are going through but you must have so much going on emotionally and physically. Get some rest. If you can face ringing them tommorow do it but maybe an email would be easier.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 23:08

TFMDV,

loopyloops · 13/07/2010 23:15

so sorry to hear that

thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 23:18

Tis crap.

But dont want to hijack mummys thread.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 23:18

i know this may sound a little strange but i feel like i've let myself down. like i'm damaged now, but i dont feel damaged. i guess i think people will see me in this way, maybe thats what they see?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 23:20

mummy, stop it, don't you dare ! < hard stare >

Go to bed love, get some rest and call your friends tomorrow. It will be ok.

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 23:26

thanks anyfucker i think i'll go for a bath and kiss ds and go to bed, thanks for listening to me x

OP posts:
thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 23:42

NO mummy! They dont. Go to bed, have sleep.

boiledegg1 · 14/07/2010 01:25

mummysgoingmad, I just noticed that you said "i thought they would understand, they are women too".

Women they may be, but are they mothers? Pre- children, I would have tried to understand if a friend was going through this and I'm pretty sure I would have been in contact, but I wouldn't have appreciated the emotional pain of this type of situation until I had gone through pregnancy and birth myself. Being able to empathise with someone makes it easier to know what to say. Not to make excuses for them, they have still been a bit crap, but they might feel very out of their depth emotionally.

I hope you get a good nights sleep and can ring or text your friends in the morning.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 13:24

how are you doing today, MGM ?

EnglandAllenPoe · 14/07/2010 16:07

hope you are feeling better this morning mummygoingmad.

I also would have no friends at all if i abandoned the shite ones. though of course that's no reason for them to be rubbish...

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 14/07/2010 20:54

i'm doing a lot better today, i text them both to say i would like to speak to them and could they call me when they get in from work, i'm still waiting on a reply and/or phone call! I spoke to dp today about how let down ik feel by them, he said he also sent them both a text earlier in the week saying i could really do with a bit of support and that i was struggling. He said he never got a reply either

no neither of them have children, but both are dying to be mothers. Dp says they are probably jelous of what i have.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 21:10

Hi, glad you are feeling a bit better

You say dp had already contacted them and still no sniff of 'em ?

Oh, dear

This is obviously their issue, not yours, so you just keep going in your recovery and lean on your dp (and us...)

Original poster
mummysgoingmad · 14/07/2010 21:13

thanks anyfucker i think i'm just going to leace it now, i've done enough chasing which imo you shouldn't have to do with real friends. I'm cancelling a few events i'm supposed to be going to with the both of them, as i dont think i'll be able to keep a civil conversation up all night.

i hope the next time they find themselves in crisis the dont look to me for support as it wont be there!

OP posts: