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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ambu to expect a bit of support?

77 replies

mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 21:46

Ok i had a termination last week for lots of reasons really, i'm not physically, mentally or financially ready for another child. These are my reason if you want to judge me for them fine, but the are valid reasons to me.

Anyway, i kind of thought my two friends would be there for me, even a text to say they were thinking of me, but i got nothing. My dp has been great and has put up with me being very emotional and constantly questioning my decison. I stupidly thought that since i've been there through all of their shit they would at least send a text saying they're thinking of me. They're both on facebook right now and they haven't even sent me a private message at least how i am.

Am i reading too much into this, or would you be a little hurt too, i thought friendship was a 2 way street?

OP posts:

Ladyanonymous · 13/07/2010 22:10

Kind of agree with 8AnyFucker*

Don't think its helpful to the OP is it?

Really?

Even though we are all entitled to our views .

thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 22:11

I think maybe they are not sure what to say or even if they should say anything?

Abortion is still a taboo subject and some people just cant talk about it.

But of course YANBU for wanting some support.

I wouldnt write these friends off just yet though. Some friends are good for somethings but not for others.

I am sorry you are having a rough time.

Maylee · 13/07/2010 22:12

OP, YANBU. Even if your friends were opposed to abortion on principle, they should still be supportive. But maybe they don't know what to say and are giving you time and space to recover and recuperate? Why not give them a call and see.

If they haven't been in touch because they have their judgey-pants on, then it's their loss.

bananalover · 13/07/2010 22:14

Also, can everyone stop saying friends don't know what to say?
IF...IF they are REAL friends, they will know what to say. They will NOT pretend it hasn't happened, they will be there for you.

Ladyanonymous · 13/07/2010 22:17

bananalover

Some people really don't know what to say sometimes.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 13/07/2010 22:18

I really dont mean to be offensive, but im a bit clueless to the process, is the abortion pill like a strong mornig after pill?

If so perhaps your friends are also a bit clueless like me and see it as just a morning after pill and not like a 'real' abortion? not saying thats right at all, but perhaps they havent got in touch or mentioned it as they dont see it as being quite as bad as the other tyoe of abortion so that you wouldnt be as affected, and maybe not mentioning it so as not to upset you perhaps?

Really sorry if that made no sense was just trying to offer another perspective, sorry for being thick though, and hope your feeling better soon

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 22:22

babydubs - no the 1st pill removes the pregnany horemone, i then had to go into hospital on saturday to get another 4 more pills placed internally and an antibiotic internally in case of infection, its terribly sore for 24 hours but i still feel like i may pass out from time to time, i thinks its because of the amount of blood i lost. I'm going to call the doctor in the morning about that,

OP posts:

thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 22:23

banana I have friends who are real friends who simply cannot talk about my DD unprompted. They have been wonderful in other ways but they just dont know how to approach the subject of my DD's death.

They are still real friends.

larks35 · 13/07/2010 22:23

bananlalover - do you really think that? have you never failed a friend in need? have you never been wrapped up in yourself, your boyfriend, your life, your job and let a friend's problem slip pass you? If you say no to all of above then you are indeed an amazing friend, but really think about it to be sure that you've never let anyone down.

I have let my friends down on quite a few occasions and in different ways. However, I'm honest and will admit my crapness and I do think that I'm a good friend when needed. My good friends know who and what I am, they know when to say to me "You've got to come to me, I need you" or something along those lines, and they know that if they do ask in explicit terms, they'll get me and all that I can offer.

bananalover · 13/07/2010 22:23

Friends don't have have pearls of wisdom. They just have to acknowledge that they are thinking of you...if they've got time to piss about on Facebook, they've got time to phone and tell you they are thinking of you, even if 'they don't know what to say'!

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 22:25

thats exactly what i'm thinking bananalover

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:27

if they really don't know what to say, they could ring and say "I don't know what to say, but I hope you are Ok and is there anything you need..."

what is so hard about that ??

bananalover · 13/07/2010 22:27

I will never forget when this happened to me.
A friend of my DH obviously told his wife about our situation. When I came home from hospital, she had been and left a huge bunch of flowers at our door and a lovely card expressing her sympathy...and she wasn't even MY friend exactly. ..she was my DH's friends wife, IYSWIM.
If she could do that, then so could 'a friend'.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 13/07/2010 22:28

So i was being thick, im so sorry, just trying to find an excuse for crappy friends, i know all about useless friends, doesnt mean you cant be mates with them still but time to think about expectations within the relationships maybe. Hope things get better for you, as you said in your op, you know you've done the right thing, focus on that, just need to let your body catch up now. rest rest and more rest, with lots of choccies and wine

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:30

dubs, even asking "thick" questions (which you weren't, btw ) is better than completely ignoring the situation ...

thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 22:32

mummyis do they know you are ok to talk about it?

If they do then they are being pretty insensitive.

If they are not sure they might think they will make it worse if they mention it.

People do tend to think that that is the case. Somehow they think if they dont mention it it will be easier to 'get over'

Which we know is not true.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 22:33

no it wasn't a thick question at all, i would rather you asked than say well i think its wrong and i wouldn't support anyone that had 1.. bit like a slap in the face that 1

OP posts:

bananalover · 13/07/2010 22:36

Oh please...how can NOT mentioning the subject be good?
AnyFucker...you hit the nail on the head there...no matter how delicate the situation, friends do not IGNORE it. Yes, it is a very difficult subject to talk about, but ignoring it will not help. It just makes people like OP feel let down.

Original poster

mummysgoingmad · 13/07/2010 22:37

i did send a text message on thursday when i went for the 1st pill, so i thought that would have been enough to spur on some sort of reply. They both knew i was goin as well, i honestly dont know if i should try anymore with them, i honestly thought they would come to me rather than me running to them iyswim

OP posts:

Ladyanonymous · 13/07/2010 22:39

I've not been there for friends sometimes and I'm a counsellor.

I've let my own shit get in the way.

I think everyone does sometimes.

larks35 · 13/07/2010 22:40

mummy send them a text now saying how let down you feel. I hope that if they are the friends you always thought they were, they will come to you. I know it is shit that you have to tell them but give it a go before you give them up.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:43

mummy, I know I have dissed their lack of support, but put it down to thoughtlessness and crapness

I am sure they don't mean you to be hurt, and would be mortified if they knew

make contact tomorrow, see how they react and then decide

don't give up just yet...

bananalover · 13/07/2010 22:44

mummysgoingmad...do your 'friends' know the reason for your termination?
Do they maybe think it was an 'easy way out', IYSWIM?

thefirstmrsDeVere · 13/07/2010 22:46

I agree with AnyFucker.

See how it goes before you right them off totally.

But dont chase them about - you dont need that stress either.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2010 22:46

BL, I get what you are saying, but I am sure you agree with me that it don't matter what they think

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