AIBU to have judged this pregnant woman?

[DetectivePotato]

Went to FILs party on saturday night. Spent most of the time sat outside as it was very hot inside. Serveral times a heavily pregnant woman came outside to smoke.

I don't care if I get flamed, told to mind my own business etc. I am judging and then judging some more.

I am an ex smoker btw and know what its like to be addicted.

Well while we're at it, why not condemn every girl or woman who ever tries smoking? On the basis that she'll become an addict and won't be able to give up if she becomes pregnant, and then she might die prematurely while her children are still alive, just because she had a 20 a day habit for 15 years that she easily could have never started on (a 36-yo friend with a young son is dying for this very reason).

I mean, my mother died prematurely from smoking: the nerve of her! How could she be so selfish as to do that to me. There are times I'd like to talk to her and now I just can't.

After all, every woman should only live for her children or potential children, right? Why target just the smoking preggos among the female population, they should all be condemned, no? Just ban smoking for all females, that's the solution. Along with any other risky behaviour, eh?

Ragged, I do not think that it is unreasonable to judge a woman who puts her unborn baby at risk when pregnant. I don't/never have smoked but I appreciate it must be difficult to stop but many people manage to - particularly when they find out they are pregnant.
I honestly couldn't have coped if something happened to my little boy that I knew could have been avoided by me doing something relatively minor. And yes, I did follow all the guidelines re food etc.

I am most definitely not perfect in many areas of my life but I do understand that when I conceived, I took on resposibility for another life and that it was my duty to research/learn/take advice about what was best for my baby (as wel as following natural mummy instincts. I don't understand why others don't do the same except that it is easier not to I suppose.

I am trying to understand your reaction but finding it difficult.

Mumtoabeautifulbabyboy do you also judge the women who have a drink?

"advice about what was best for my baby (as wel as following natural mummy instincts. I don't understand why others don't do the same except that it is easier not to I suppose." Also this is the reason I didn't drink I cut down to 3 cigarettes a day, had no drugs in my 24hour op birth with no breaks in cc and bf even with 4 bouts of mastitus, 2 thrush and bleeding nipples.

Just because I found smoking hard to give up very hard does not make me a selfish mum. I cared I tried my best to give up but I will not continue to berate myself for having the odd fag while pg.

How about the pregnant smoker has considered the research and made an informed and educated choice to smoke. Now, I disagree with this and wouldn't consider smoking least of all when pregnant. But then, what business is of mine if another woman has decided to reach a different conclusion.

I think it is always unreasonable to judge another pregnant woman / mother about how she acts during pregnancy or how she brings up her child and the choices she makes - unless the child is seriously in danger from actual abuse or neglect of course.

I know that I am being super judgy, I am sure it stems from my experiences while pregnant. Before having my son I would probably have written a comment like yours Lola. (I am a member of Amnesty and all for human rights!!!)

However, since smoking does carry so many dangers - not only during pregnancy but after (eg children of smokers are 2 1/2 times more likely to die from SIDS - info from SANDS), I honestly don't understand how anyone could do it. I honestly feel it is on a par with neglect (super super judgy - waits to be flamed!)

Im all for human rights, and this extends to my own opinion and right to judge, always silently (except for internet of course)

I JUDGE pregnant smokers, drinkers and drug takers. I also know quite a few idiots who listen to the advice and then dismiss it immediatly as it doesnt fit with what they want. this is different from informed choice, its uninformed idiocy (sp)I used to partake in all these activities until i found out i was pregnant, in the face of extreme adversity i never failed to put my unborn child first. I am proud of that. It proves to me that i can do whats right no matter how hard it is, and i have a whole collection of mental health problems i battle with so i know its not easy bellieve me i do.

I do find it very sad to see pregnant women smoking etc, i really pitty their children

One thing that makes me is that my pregnant friends move away from my children to smoke as i wont condone that crap in their face, they dont seem to contect they are essensially taking their baby wit hthem to have a ciggy - how sick and twisted is that! what chance do their children have?

I spent a lot of time in hospital when pregnant with my DS and then he was born very prematurly and was very, very small and ill.

Every day there would be a gang of heavily pregnant woman in their dressing gowns smoking and they used to disgust me.

I spent a lot of time mulling over why I had had an awful pregnancy when I did everything right and these women who were who obviously careless with their unborn babies health seemed to be sailing though it.

I guess there are some peope who care enough to give up and some who don't.

mumtoabeautifulbabyboy - your comment sort of implies I have no children. Believe me, I do, and I still think that - in fact probably more so than before I had them!

Babydubs - moving away from your children is polite because you might not want your child exposed to smoke, however they are free to expose their own child to smoke if they want to. Plus, some people may argue you are unreasonable to have had children if you have mental health problems. Now, I'm not saying I agree with that - the point is that whatever you do, some people will find it unpalatable.

I would emphasise that I would not personally do this and am horrified at the thought of smoking at all, never mind when pregnant. But it's quite simply none of my business; only my children are my business.

I agree and have known about my mental health problems before I had my son I would not have tried for a baby, unfortunately I wasn't diagnosed until he was born. However this is irrelevant to the point, that is not a choice an its not even something that effects him, exposing him to poison is. I will never understand why any one would be so selfish and if you are not willing to put your child first then you shouldn't have them responsibility comes with the right to have children and protecting them from harm is part of that responsibility, it's so depressing that often it seems these poor children need protecting from their own mothers!

You are all definitely free to express an opinion on someone you have never met - after al, this is the point of discussion boards.

Similarly, she (and other smokers) are free to remind you to mind your own effing business and to carry on as they see fit.

If you have all conceived whilst within the healthy weight guidelines and remained therein throughout your pregnancy, then you are of course, free to judge others.

If not, you are simply revelling in some faux moral superiority - bless...

Lola, sorry, wasn't meant to imply that, just that your response reads very reasoned and controlled and probably fair. That's how I was pre baby! Now I just can't help being judgy when I see pregnant smokers.

Trying to think through why (apart from the obvious dangers to their unborn child) I think it is because I probably (judgy alert!) think of them as the type of parents who don't really care about their child and how they bring them up or do care but not enough to do the hard bits of parenting - like teaching right from wrong etc. The kind that give their babies bottles with coke in them etc then I think about how these children can grow up and think about the impact of them on my child.

S where before I was very much live and let live, now I think about most things in terms of the impact on my child.

I obvioulsly only do the judgy thing in my mind (and on mumsnet!), I'm not setting up petitions or anything! Just explaining my reasoning.

Just want to emphasise again that Idon't agree with that point BabyDubs - the point I was trying to make was that when pregnant or raising a child, people have opinions on everything and you just can't please all of the people all of the time.

Whilst you may think mental health problems don't affect your child some people may think your child needs protecting from you because of your condition. I just don't think we should judge in any set of circumstances, unless there is actual abuse or neglect

I saw a heavily pregnant women in her jim-james outside the local hospital puffing away on her fag the other week!

I was gob-smacked! She literally looked like she was about to drop the baby there and then!

I mean jim-jams!!!

Yes but I see smoking around a child, and an inborn pen as abuse. This is unfortunately rife in my family and where we live its seen as totally acceptable, I never have or would say anything to anyone in real life but as people were giving opinions I see no reason why mine is less valid. Its simply my opinion. There will be a million reasons I'm sure why another mother would probably judge me and I'm fine with it, if I agreed od try to do better or accept it as my failing, however this discussion is about smoking in pregnancy, and o that matter I feel supreme as I quit 40 a day he day I did the test (I don't really feel supreme just lightening the mood)

Barmy - I was and remained within healthy weight guidelines. I don't smoke Can I revel in actual moral superiority?

Then again, I did have the odd drink in late pregnancy, had an elective CS and formula fed. Back to the bottom of the class then

I would agree, I see it certainly as neglect at the very least. Neglecting to care properly for your child. I realise that it isn't illegal but I think that is the reason many people judge smoking so harshly.

It is not on a par with other parenting decisions that people may not agree with but everyone knows that they are doing the best for their child so don't judge (e.g routines, controlled crying etc). No one could argue that smoking while pregnant is best for the child.

Babydubs - I think we all inwardly judge. You can't help but reflect your own attitudes and prejudices in how you view other people. I have however heard people tut at pregnant smokers / drinkers and think this is wholly unacceptable. Let he who is without sin etc etc

Perhaps what I really mean is that I don't really give much of a monkeys what people do with their babies, it's only mine that's important to me

to anyone who reads this thread and might think diazepam is safe in pregnancy its not - it can cause problems such as cleft palate if taken during pregnancy. Just wanted to highlight that in case anyone saw the earlier post and thought it was safe up to 37 weeks pregnant, it is definitely not.

A lot of people would argue that controlled crying is akin to abuse. Now, I think those people must have drugged their children to sleep, but it's yet another example of how we're wonderfully free to make our own choices.

Just to point out to an earlier post, I don't smoke, nor do I drink when pregnant or eat the stuff that it is recommended to avoid. It helps that I am a fussy eater and don't like most of it anyway but when something is recommended to avoid in pregnancy, then I think it is best to avoid it 'just in case'. Why take that chance?

And to the ridiculous comment that mentioned giving a baby formula. How the hell is this on par with smoking in pregnancy? I have no desire to have a breast feeding vs bottle feeding discussion and I actively avoid them but to compare toxins in a fag to something that is actually developed to feed babies is one of the stupist things I have heard on here.

This woman wasn't having the odd sneaky fag either to those who suggested it. She had a fair few in the few hours we were at the party.

i smoked early on with ds because i didnt know i was pregnant until i was 13 weeks i stopped when i found out but still feel bad about it

i started again when he was 3 and quit the same day of my estimated concepption of dd which is a bit odd, i wont start again now

strangly dd has infantile asthma and gets ill and ds doesnt ever get ill