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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have asked for some items to be eventually returned after use when I loaned my sister a bin bag full of baby clothes?

27 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 12/07/2010 21:23

Sister is 7 months PG with DC2. She is expecting a boy and already has a girl. I have 2 boys and may have another one day in the future. I gave her a massive bin bag full of clothes today, some that have had lots of wear from my boys such as baby gros, vests etc, but also loads of tiny baby outfits that they have worn only a few times since they grow so fast at that stage.

I said to her that she could just bin some of the older things if she didn't want them (like the bobbly baby gros) to which her and her man slagged me off for giving them 'things fit for the bin', and when I asked if she could return the things that are obviously still pretty brand new (after she uses them) in case we have another DC they then slagged me off even more because I wanted them back! She gave everything of her DD's away to charity shops and would have no doubt just given all my DS's clothes away to charity after she had used them if I hadn't asked for them back one day.

I have barely bought anything for my DS2 as 90% of DS1's clothes were in perfect nick so I am hoping to do the same again one day for a possible DC3.

Was IBU about this? I thought I was being nice and they just laughed at me!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 12/07/2010 21:25

weird behaviour from them IMO. What would they be planning on doing with loadds of clothes their kid grows out of really quickly?

YANBU to ask for them back, specially if you plan to have another.

staranise · 12/07/2010 21:26

Of course YANBU, it was your stuff and kind of you to lend it to her. They sound quite rude.

CaptainKirksNipples · 12/07/2010 21:26

I would ask for them back now and not offer again. Did she ask for them?

chitchat07 · 12/07/2010 21:27

Well, you weren't BU, you were just trying to be nice, but you certainly would BU if you give her any more clothes for her DCs!

Ragwort · 12/07/2010 21:27

How rude - some people are just like this though and don't appreciate second hand items - I love handing things on and receiving things from others but I know in the past I have offered people clothes etc and they have just 'picked over' them and sneered. I personally can't understand why anyone buys new stuff for children but clearly plenty of people do.

You are certainly not BU - just don't bother to offer them anything else.

CarGirl · 12/07/2010 21:28

She was rude!

MamaChris · 12/07/2010 21:29

I wouldn't give someone clothes that I wanted back. If I was on the receiving end, I would worry how to remember who gave what in order to return it, and about what state they got in. I say only give away clothes that come with no conditions.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 12/07/2010 21:32

Don't worry I won't be offering anything else! They didn't ask for them but I thought it would be nice given we have loads of baby clothes in the loft, and I thought they might wonder why I didn't offer if I hadn't offered...

Typical of her anyway, I loaned her all my maternity clothes when she was PG with DD and she took up all the trousers and when she eventually gave me them back they were all about 10cm too short . I should've learned my lesson then.

OP posts:
PeedOffWithNits · 12/07/2010 21:33

if there were things i really hoped to use again i would not have lent them at all, as all sorts of poo accidents could happen to ruin them

certainly dont lend or give her anything else, she sounds horrendous

there would be many more grateful, and deserving people on freecycle

prozacfairy · 12/07/2010 21:34

Take the stuff back now they are clearly ungrateful. My sister had a girl 9 months after I had DD and we had an agreement that she would give me back any stuff that wasn't unwearable as that was what I had done when she loaned me stuff her DS (1 year older than my DD) had worn. We both kept to the agreement.

Honestly people like this who look a gift horse in the mouth make me so

MoonUnitAlpha · 12/07/2010 21:40

A friend of mine has given me loads of her son's old baby clothes on the basis that whatever is still in good nick after I've finished with them will be returned to her - absolutely fair enough imo!

She's not expecting everything back or in perfect condition, but as you say baby outfits are worn so briefly there will be plenty of stuff still wearable.

onepieceoflollipop · 12/07/2010 21:44

She may have responded to you rudely but I think you are being unrealistic. She is unlikely to remember what needs to be returned and/or what might only be fit for the bin.

In your position I would have given a much smaller bag of stuff that I didn't really mind if it came back.

As others have said, even if she was being more reasonable, she won't be able to control if the baby is sick/poos on the "best" items.

If you may have another child then keep the things that you love/that have sentimental value, so you know they are ready to be reused.

howmanykidsinmygarden · 12/07/2010 21:45

YANBU, she seems rude and ungrateful. Presuming you are not giving her anything too personal/important to you (IE sentimental or monetary value) and expecting it back in the same condition. I would say its reasonable to pass on clothes and expect them to be returned to you eventually for your (future) dc. Obviously only once her dc have outgrown them and if still they're still in a half decent condition.

lucykate · 12/07/2010 21:45

i've had loads of hand-me-down clothes from my sil, and likewise she's had stuff from me, we've always both returned everything after it's finished with. i did take out anything i was particularly precious or fond of and kept it.

booyhoo · 12/07/2010 21:47

your sis was rude. i would have taken them back and i wouldn't be offering them again.

BarkisIsWilling · 12/07/2010 21:49

I'd say, give if you can afford to give, while keeping back that which is precious to you. Keep on being a good sister.

PotPourri · 12/07/2010 21:56

Cheeky cow. Yanbu - hoever most people i know see hand me downs as up to the person what to do with it afterwards.

gave my 2 girls clothes to a friend who had a girl (already had ds). As I am pretty sure I am finished having children, I told her to do whhat she liked with the clothes. She mentioned the next tiome I saw her hat she had put loads into charity. I felt really sad and offended - I can assure you there was nothing old or well worn. She was only doing whay I had said she could, so I cant legitimately complain. Lesson - she's getting no more!!! I'd tather charity/ebay/car boot it than give to someone ungrateful.

Keep the rest of your stuff to yourself from now on (if pushed and she asks for it, just say it's in the loft somewhere, you're not ure how much there is and change subject.

scottishmummy · 12/07/2010 22:02

if they are so ungrateful dont offer again.unkind to be so mean

moominmarvellous · 12/07/2010 22:05

YANBU, you were being nice, but I keep the stuff I like and would possibly like to use again. I just know when the time came for me to have it back, it might not be in great condition and then I'd be dissapointed.

Take back the good stuff, give her a back of bobbly vests and odd booties!

emy72 · 12/07/2010 22:07

Gosh I would find it really very stressful if someone wanted baby clothes back! I have had very pukey babies and most clothes ended up overwashed, shrunk in the drier or with massive yellow stains! I think it's a little unreasonable to expect them back...unless you don't mind the above...

funnysinthegarden · 12/07/2010 22:08

very rude, would be tempted to go round and get it all back off them now, nevermind when your poss third child is born!

sleepingsowell · 12/07/2010 22:09

You obviously have completely different views; she wouldn't expect things back, you do. I always think it's a 'big ask' when you try to lend baby stuff rather than give it. She may have clothes from 5 people, then it becomes an absolute nightmare thinking oh god, who gave this? Do they want it back? Would they class this as 'clearly quite new and something I want back' or 'bobbly'????

I say give it wholeheartedly, don't lend it. If you are sure you'll need it again, then keep hold of it and make everyone's life simpler.

Very generous thought and all, but......

MoonUnitAlpha · 12/07/2010 22:11

emy77 - it's only stressful if someone expects everything back in the same condition. If it's a case of, "if there's anything in good condition left when you're finished with it I'd like it back" then I don't see the pressure there.

januaryjojo · 12/07/2010 22:26

This reply has been deleted

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ememum · 12/07/2010 22:45

YABU. I think you might have looked a bit petty.