So how can I not "let that happen" and be "better than that?

[benefitsscrounger]

I am a single parent, my ex partner was abusive. I have two children, one with SN. I am in my late thirties.

I used to work in a semi skilled admin job earning no more than £20k a year before I had dc.

Talking to someone a while ago about how hopeless the future seems as I can't see how I will be able to get off benefits and become financially secure. She said cosily "you are better than that and I know you won't let that happen".

So tell me what can I do? Any job I got would take up all my salary for childcare, I am unable to work any hours outside schools hours and then my employers need to be excessively flexible to allow me the time off I need for medical appointments and to support my child.

Seriously where do I go from here, I am doing a degree with the OU because that really is the only option open to me. No friends or family near by to help with childcare, the dc's dad is involved but he works long hours.

How do I "not let that happen" and "be better than that".

Or am I just a defeatist benefits scrounger?

try guardian jobs and select the working from home option undr 'area'

i think working from home to get some experience - perhaps part time is the best option.

You need to wait until they are at school really to keep the childcare costs down, and train yourself up while you are off work, like you plan. Don't worry- just keep doing your best.

Your children will not always be young enough to need childcare

Keep improving yourself and striving

You will get there, but not if you give up

Think of it more as temporary...you should accept the state help (you deserve it), and be mindful that when your kids grow older, then you can start putting something back

You sound nothing like a "benefits scrounger" to me...

you dp could actually cut back on his hours and take some of the responsability of the children - this would inable you to have shared care rather than him leaving the burden of the care to you all the time....

If you are on a low salary and have childcare costs then you should be entitled to some help towards them via CTC. Ideally you want to work 16 hours per week as that will give you more flexibility.

Doing your degree is a bloody good start

(perhaps you could change your MN name, and the way you think about yourself? Seeing yourself as a benefits scrounger isn't good, just see being on benefits as a stop gap until you can find the job that's got your name on it in the future)

Thank you for your really kind replies. Bit of a lump in my throat actually. Instead of the "well you have to make happen for yourself" that I get from my parents and ex, while not actually offering any practical help.

I do feel like I am being defeatist when they say that and like I could be doing more so thank you for understanding that for now my hands are a bit tied.

Oh I am a name changer btw, post quite regularly. I don't really see myself in that way, but I know quite a few people I know do, just testing the waters outside of that really.

Good on you for doing the OU degree. Perhaps when you have graduated you could train to be a teacher (god knows if that is of any interest).

One thing I always say is that when your kids are under school age you pretty much do work just to pay the rent and childcare - I was skint until dd went to school. However I only have the one child and don't have to worry aboyt the SN issues that you have to.

Don't beat yourself up! You have done well to come out the other side and you are trying to improve your lot by getting educated.

Things do become a lot easier once they go to school, you may well find that if you have after school provision and summer camps inyour area you may well be able to get a job when they go to school. In the meantime, concentrae on your studies. It does get better.

but not forever

and your family are being shitty if they are sputing platitudes without actually offering any practical help...

*spouting

Don't underestimate also how long it takes to get over an abusive relationship. Don't put yourself down. You have down well to get you and your kids out of there.

Before I had the DC I was on benefits and did a degree while I found a job.

I think it's people who seem to enjoy living on benefits (although I think that's a myth, cos it's shit) that rub people up the wrong way, and you just don't sound like that at all.

It's good that you're concerned about getting off them as that'll motivate you to get a job if that's what you want, but you shouldn't let other people upset you because you're already trying to do something about it.

Tell them to fuck off. (no...don't really )

Go easy on yourself. You are doing brilliantly and as GetOrf says it takes a long time to get over an abusive relationship. Take this time while your dc are young to think about what you want to do when they are older. There's no rush.

Agree with the previous posters.

Doing your OU degree is a really good start.

Also think long term. Really assess what sort of career path you want to take, research and read as much as possible. For areas that interest you, google people in those jobs and email them asking for advice / tips / how to get started etc. The worst they can do is not reply to you and you never know, they may give some good pointers (and ime people generally love to show off impart their pearls of wisdom onto anyone willing to listen )

Keep remembering to juggle between living your life now in its practical sense and keeping one eye on on your long-term plan and future goals (and allow yourself to daydream a little when you are feeling down about it if that inspires you to carry on).

This is advice that has been given to me by the way, I am currently trying to work on it and carry on and some days get dejected and some days feel inspired.

And from what you have said, you are not a benefits scrounger, please don't see yourself that way.

Good luck.

But you are doing something. You're a part-time student, working towards a degree from a well-respected University, while bringing up your children. In a few years time, your children will need less childcare, and you'll have a good degree, and then you can look again at your position.

Is there a particular role your degree is leading to? When your DCs are at school / nursery, could you start getting a little work experience in this area to put your CV when you complete your degree and look for a job?

And there are part-time, flexible jobs out there, especially for someone as hard-working and determined as you sound.

Your ex needs to pull his finger out and help too.

Thank you all so much.

Not sure where my degree will lead really, I am doing an Open Degree.

I was very interested in Social Work but think I will probably be too old to do that once I have my degree and kids old enough. I will be mid forties.

Another thing I thought of is I used to work for the NHS and I know they sometimes like older graduates for their management scheme and they can be really flexible about working hours to fit around childcare.

I know there is hope for the future, just my age against me really. I know I need to keep a positive frame of mind.

OP, you say you can't see how you will be able to get off benefits and become financially secure, and wonder how you can not let that happen. But you are already doing a degree, which will presumably help you into better-paid employment in the future.

I think you're possibly being slightly overwhelmed by the short-term future (childcare, school) when in truth you are already ensuring that the longer-term future will bring financial security.

You are the sort of person that the benefits system is for - someone with a pressing need for help NOW, who will then be able to become independent again.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

What CrapOclock said, great post, particularly about juggling your day-to-day routine and where you see yourself in the longer term.

I would think social work would welcome older people, as they will have more life experience and be generally more assertive and have better people skills. I'm not an expert, just my thoughts...

Keep on going OP, you are on the right track.
All the best.

If you can manage to get a degree whilst looking after 2 young children you will go far in life! I've recently been working with a trainee social worker she's in her mid 40s and going to be a fab social worker. You can get funding in some areas to do a social work degree - worth researching?

Is your ex contributing what he should be?

if his hours are too long for him to help much with the childcare, then I would hope he's helping a fair bit financially?

Don't think about your age and certainly don't let it be a barrier to a career you may like.

People are living longer and longer and even starting at mid forties, you'd still have a few decades of work before retirement.

Actually, anecdote time, my friend always wanted to become a doctor but never had the confidence to believe in her abilities in her twenties and then kept worrying that she was too old. She eventually had a 'fuck it' moment and decided to go for it, starting the whole degree process from scratch (already having a business degree under her belt - totally unrelated!) in her early thirties. She is still doing her degree - tis a long process - but doesn't regret her choice for one second

Such inspiring stories on here.

CarGirl that has really motivated me to hear someone else is training to be Social Worker at that age.

Especially if they raise the retirement age as well, I could have 30 years of work in me.

Social work courses welcome older graduates as they have more life experience. From what you've said here you sound an ideal candidate with experience of being a single parent, special needs and the benefits system. You can make your experiences work for you.

Good luck!