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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel the urge to tell someone about a child's bruises?

39 replies

citybranch · 12/07/2010 11:42

I don't want to go into a lot of detail though, as don't want the situation to be identified if poss!

A child I know well is not getting on with his mum too well at the moment, he's 13 and has a serious illness which means a lot of medication. His mum finds him difficult to deal with, she says it is the meds.

The child's issues are that his mother criticises him daily, tells him he is not a part of this family... this is because he spends a lot of time in his room or at a friends, he says he can't 'be himself' at home anymore. She tells him to go and live with his dad. His dad will happily have him but it would mean changing schools and the child can't bear to do that just now, he has only just settled in after missing a lot because of the illness. He really needs his friends.

So the child has some very bad bruises. He said his mother picked a fight over nothing, and when he questioned this she hit and dragged him. He fought back and they had a physical fight in front of the younger siblings who were hysterical.

I'm wondering what people's gut instinct is on this... mine is to tell someone... the child's hospital/social services? I know that to hit a child and leave bruises is illegal.

On the other hand, the mother is going through a hard time and this seems to have been a one-off so far. Would I be causing a larger problem if I mentioned anything?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 12/07/2010 11:44

Let social services know and they can offer support if necessary

Original poster
citybranch · 12/07/2010 11:45

Meant to say, the boy's dad is beside himself with worry but could not persuade the boy to stay with him. The mum is hostile towards the dad so it is difficult for them to communicate.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 12/07/2010 11:45

Why don't you talk to the mother? Are you sure she hit him?

Most if not all 13 year olds have problems with their parents and say they "can't be himself at home anymore".

If you get SS involved and boy ends up taken away from his parents, how is that any good?

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 11:48

OP this sounds a bit like you have an agenda - and maybe more history with the mum than you are telling us - wehat is your relationship to the boys father?

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 12/07/2010 11:52

I really wouldn't speak to the child's mother. I'd contact the NSPCC instead, they will advise you on where you need to go next.

Original poster
citybranch · 12/07/2010 11:53

I am sure in as much as the child and the siblings who witnessed it all told me the story. So it seems to be true, unless the have concocted the story together.

Definitely agree with 13 year olds having problems regularly etc.

Don't want boy taken away from his mum of course. Just feel that he has come to me telling me how difficult he is finding it at home, then showing me these bruises. I'm just not sure if I'm supposed to ACT upon that info.

Sadly I don't know the mum at all. I'm a relative of the dad, and I know the children very well.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 12/07/2010 11:56

Does his Dad know about the bruising? If I were you I'd tell him and leave it to him to deal with first and foremost. Then if he doesn't do anything, then I'd call the NSPCC or SS.

Original poster
citybranch · 12/07/2010 11:58

May be I should tell the dad to just keep a record of it for now, dates etc. Then if it ever happened again there would be some evidence.

I wouldn't want the boy to be taken away from his mum, as he said he would be devastated to leave his school.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 12/07/2010 11:59

I don't think you can do nothing. This boy sounds really unhappy, and you have seen bruises and heard from him and his siblings that there was a fight. As you say - he is asking for your help so you need to do something.

If the mother is going through a hard time she needs help to parent and maybe support for herself. I'd phone the NSPCC for their advice.

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 11:59

I'd tell the boy about your concerns and that you feel you need to take it further - and then tell the dad that if he doesn't ask SS for some support for the mother of his son you will.

Just bear in mind that you only have one side of the story and that the mums side may be very different - and that he sounds like a very normal 13 yr old boy.

Original poster
citybranch · 12/07/2010 12:01

Yes his dad knows. He can't get his DS to go and stay with him and is at a loss at what to do next. He's very scared of rocking the boat with the XP so will probably just leave it.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 12/07/2010 12:01

Just because you let social services know, doesn't mean the child will be taken away.

The child has made an effort to tell someone (you) which must have been difficult enough.

Why wait for it to happen again?

oopslateagain · 12/07/2010 12:01

Can you make sure he's got the Childline number so if something kicks off late at night when he can't come to you or anyone else, he's got someone to talk to?

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 12:03

The fact that he doesn't want to go to his dad speaks volumes - if he was that miserable he would.

And SS only "take children away" as a last resort. They will do everything in their power to keep a family together if at all possible.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 12/07/2010 12:03

I'd be concerned even without the fight, and the bruising to be honest. Of course we don't know if the boy is telling the absolute truth about what his mum says to him, but assuming he is, this sounds like a very unhappy home life for him - being criticised and told he does not belong.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 12/07/2010 12:04

Good point ladyanonymous

Original poster
citybranch · 12/07/2010 12:05

Agree with the mum needing support. The boy said that they are having counselling together, but he doesn't feel it helps him as his mum is in the room with him and he can't talk freely about the way he feels he is treated at home.

The mum's side may well be different. The boy is a very non-confrontational type, the most chilled out child I have ever known BUT the mother-son relationship could be totally opposite to what I have seen of him.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 12/07/2010 12:06

Does his dad know about the fight and the bruises?

nellie12 · 12/07/2010 12:06

Sorry you have this to deal with.

I'm afraid you have to tell someone other than his Dad. School nurse or social services.

Dont say anything to his mother . its not your job and could make the situation worse.

From what you say this is to be taken seriously.

The fact that this child has a serious illness makes him more vulnerable to child abuse.

Bear in mind when you make the phone call that;

You are not the abuser,

Believe it or not it takes a lot for children to be removed form the house.

It is not your decision on how the situation is managed.

AgentZigzag · 12/07/2010 12:07

Thing is, you can't unlearn the information that's been told to you, and whether or not it was an accurate account, how would you feel if you did nothing but found out afterwards that something was going on?

If you tell someone else, you'd be doing it in the interests of the child and his mother, who could then get support they might otherwise not have had.

If it's held against you, well...you've done it for the best reasons and the child's wellbeing is worth more than that.

A difficult decision, but even though there are always different factors in each situation, I always thought that if I was wondering whether to talk to someone about a child, the answer should be always be yes.

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 12:08

So the child is now being abused nellie12?

If they are having counselling then the young person will have the chance to not have his mother in the room if the counsellor is worth his salt.

It the counselling through CAMHS?

Original poster
citybranch · 12/07/2010 12:10

Those are the two key points for me:

  1. He has come to 'ask for help' so I'm feeling I/the dad should act in some way.
  1. He is not unhappy enough to go to his dad's (because of the friends/school)

And therein lies my dilemma.

Does anyone know what Social Services would do if the dad were to give them the info? Would they tell the mum who had told them? Because I'm thinking school/friend's mum/hospital could easily raise a concern with SS too, if the boy mentions the fight.

OP posts:
nellie12 · 12/07/2010 12:10

Well according to the recent update I had then this is very suspicious.

The child is certainly being emotionally abused.

Alambil · 12/07/2010 12:11

You could tell his school; they'll investigate and involve SS if necessary

Ladyanonymous · 12/07/2010 12:12

You don't know anything for certain nellie12 - you only have the boys side of the story via a third party atm.