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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my neighbours have no manners?

33 replies

MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 17:29

We moved into our new house about 5 months ago and about 4 weeks later we invited our neighbours round for supper and drinks to say hello. AIBU to think that 4 months on they should have invited us round for a drink (I don't expect supper) as it is good manners to return the compliment?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 11/07/2010 17:30

maybe they didn't realise that accepting your invitation was conditional?

compo · 11/07/2010 17:31

Well just because they're neighbours doesn't mean you have to be best friends
maybe they didn't click with you?
There's a lot of mumsnetters who don't like people coming round their house because they're embarassed by the mess etc, could be a reason?

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 17:39

It wasn't conditional I just thought we were doing a nice thing and they would do the same in return - I'm not expecting them to be our best friends. But they do have kids the same age as ours and we seemed to have a similar outlook. If someone invited me over and I thought they were a nightmare I would still invite them round at least once to say thank you - even call over the fence to ask if they wanted to come and sit and have a drink and the kids could play in the garden.

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 11/07/2010 17:39

They probably have every intention of doing so once their house is sorted and they are settled - 4 months may seem like ages to you but its probably flown by in a haze for them.

YABU

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 17:42

We are the ones that moved in not them!

OP posts:
happyinherts · 11/07/2010 17:50

Are they pleasant enough to you when you see each other in passing? Stop and chat or a few minutes or just nod out of politeness?

If a new neighbour invited us in for supper, I'd be surprised. It doesn't really happen so much as it used to. People tend to live their own lives and just chat in passing. However, I wouldn't think to return the favour although would hate to appear mannerless !

  1. I'd accept their offer and not see it as conditional.
  1. I'd probably think I couldnt host such a pleasant event as I've lost self confidence lately and I'm worried about poisoning neighbours.
  1. I'd try and show gratitude in other ways. Ask if I could help in emergencies - childcare, anything.
blackberryway · 11/07/2010 17:53

Yanbu but I expect there's some reason rather than just bad manners. Did they seem OK when they were at your place? It might well be, as others have said, that one or both of them has a hang-up about their house or gets very stressed about having people round. You might be relaxed about entertaining but a lot of people find it really hard.

On the other hand they might have just decided to keep some distance in case they feel they will be roped into some kind of continuing arrangement. I wouldn't mind too much about it whatever the reason, the main thing is just to keep on friendly terms with them.

Gigantaur · 11/07/2010 17:58

i am a crap hostess.

My parents were real loners so i never really learned how you entertained.

i have a small group of very close friends who will come over occasionally for a drink or maybe even a BBQ but it terrifies me and i get really very stressed by it.

Maybe they just aren't as comfortable with having people over.

CoupleofKooks · 11/07/2010 18:01

maybe they didn't like you and didn't want to take the friendship any further? if they asked you round in return, then you asked them round again, they would either have to say "no thanks", which is embarrassing, or accept another invitation from you

by this time they would have spent 3 occasions in your company, not really enjoying themselves, and feeling awkward about how to let this tail off
by this time i would think you would have some expectation that they liked you and wanted the friendship to continue, which makes it worse

i think if they're not interested in being mates, they've done the right thing
politeness in this case would just give you the wrong impression

CapitalText · 11/07/2010 18:07

YABU. Maybe they intend to invite you round but just don't like seeing people as often as you do.

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 18:14

I really don't care if they invite us round or not, I just thought it was mannerly. I have plenty of friends and don't want to be mates with them. If they had invited us round I wouldn't have reinvited them over unless I was having a party and lots of people were there as we have done the getting to know you.

I guess they don't like us but I just can't figure out why as our lives seem to mirror each other and I did not say anything odd, plied them with wine and kept the conversation going. Maybe they're jealous, they did boast about their kids constantly and we didn't. I often feel that those that boast are the most insecure or keeping up with the Jones' and maybe they felt they couldn't keep up with us! OK so I am trying to make myself feel better!

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 11/07/2010 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippy539 · 11/07/2010 18:31

I find it a bit odd that you expect a return invitation. It was nice that you invited them around in the first place but possibly a bit OTT. Maybe they found you a bit full on or read your invite as a simple invite as opposed to the opening gambit in a longer game.

But I wouldn't take it personally.

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 18:37

No wine or flowers or little note saying thank you. If they had no intention on having us round or thought we were a nightmare then a small note saying thanks (no flowers or wine expected) would have sufficed. When they were round they told us it was the wife's birthday the next day so we popped a card and a tiny box of chocolates and left them at the door and ddn't hear anything. We only did this because the birthday was the very next day - had it been any other time we wouldn't have bothered. Oh and it was only a light supper - cheese board, olives, antipasti a la tesco.

Oh well, that's the last time I make any effort to be friendly for the sake of the kids.

OP posts:
nappyzoneloveschinesefood · 11/07/2010 18:55

I think if you were my neighbour and had just moved in you would have scared me and i would be doing such things as not inviting you round to asert i dont do the neighbours in the house tihng and then if youd left me a gift i would have died of embarrasment - not so soon anyway. I have lived next door to my neighbours for 6 yrs now and have shared a cup of tea twice though they are on about having a bbq - i feel i know them well enough now warts n all.

werewolf · 11/07/2010 18:58

YABU, loading other people with your expectations.

Nemofish · 11/07/2010 19:00

Maybe they thought you were swingers or that you had accepted Jesus as your personal saviour?

Or they might just be grumpy unsociable bastards like me and dh.

proudnsad · 11/07/2010 19:01

YABU - people have their own lives and usually more dc, friends, family than they can handle! Invitations shouldn't be conditional.

hairytriangle · 11/07/2010 19:01

yes, yabu. They must have some reason not to have invited you over. You say your invitation was not conditional, but you are talking very much as if it was ie: you expected a return invite.

Just because you want them at your house doesn't mean they want you at theirs.

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 19:10

Seriously if I never see them again I do not care - I am not missing out! - I just thought that's what "one" did. Maybe I move in different circles where it is odd not to return an invitation. I do not want to be their "best mates" as I have plenty of close friends. As it is it only crossed my mind today when my mum asked if they had and she thought it was rude. So, no I am not desperately wanting an invite and would probably say no anyway especially if I get one tomorrow as I know they'll have been reading this thread!

OP posts:
proudnsad · 11/07/2010 19:10

Feel sorry for OP now! You tried to be very friendly and kind but perhaps came across slightly too 'much', people resent feeling pressured or embarrassed.

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 19:12

No probs Proudnsad, you MNetters have given me a reality check that being kind in todays society is seen as a bit OTT or we are just not likeable. Sigh....

OP posts:
shockers · 11/07/2010 19:14

Maybe they've heard your lovemaking through the party wall and are now very scared .

Ragwort · 11/07/2010 19:16

I think you sound really nice MenadMyKid - I have recently moved house and have had lots of friendly comments, 'hellos' etc but not specific invites. I agree with you, if someone accepts an invite it is common courtesy to return the 'favour' - wish you were my new neighbour - I think its sad that people are so self centred that they can't make friends with neighbours - you never know when you need help. In my case we don't live near any family so we HAVE to make friends when we move.

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 11/07/2010 19:21

Fancy some supper Ragwort?

That's it - jealous of our love-making! The penny drops!

OP posts:
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