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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask new date to give up smoking?

27 replies

zookeeper · 11/07/2010 16:07

I had a internet date last night - nice bloke and I would like to see him again.

When I met him he was smoking: I was surprised and he said he had mentioned it on his profile which I had missed.

I smoked really heavily for years and it took me years to give up - last night really took me back to when I was a smoker - the smell, the finding places to sit outside etc etc and although I shrugged it off so as not to be rude I really didn't like it.

so AIBU to ask him if he would give up? He did say he'd love to a few times through the evening (in between puffs lol). FWIW I think I am but it would be interesting to see what you all think.

OP posts:
HappySlapper · 11/07/2010 16:14

I wouldn't like it if someone asked me to give up.... especially after one date!

lottaluvin · 11/07/2010 16:15

YABU if it means that much check the profile more carefully next time.....

Rockbird · 11/07/2010 16:15

I think you need to put in a bit more work than one date to be in a position to ask him to do something like that.

Chunkamatic · 11/07/2010 16:19

I agree that you need to see where the relationship is going before saying something like that. You could risk looking a bit mental, assuming that you have enough of an input in his life to ask him to give up smoking.

If it is that much of a problem for you then maybe you need to consider that he is not the man for you? If it is, and if you are upfront with him about it then it's up to him if he wants to decide to quit in order to continue seeing you?

SloanyPony · 11/07/2010 16:25

Its too soon. Wait until you are in a relationship with him

Having said that, he really needs to want to do it for him, otherwise he will either be resentful or do it sneakily or just simply fall off the wagon.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/07/2010 16:29

Too early to ask him to do that for you.

But nothing wrong with telling him that it is a turn off for you. If you don't want things to go further because of it, he has a choice - if he thinks it's something worth doing to be with you.

cookielove · 11/07/2010 16:32

Agree with Hecate, and others

LadyintheRadiator · 11/07/2010 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 11/07/2010 16:39

Yes Hecate is right - tell him that it bothers you, and if he says "Sorry, I'm not going to stop" then move on. If he says "Oh I was thinking of stopping anyway" then you could ask him not to do it around you for a start and hopefully he'll have stopped by the time you want to see him more anyway.

SandyBits · 11/07/2010 16:41

yabu. But a shame if it's a deal breaker for you. I know I couldn't go out with a smoker so I'd be a bit gutted if a potential date was a fan of the cancer sticks.

Original poster
zookeeper · 11/07/2010 16:43

It's my own fault for not reading the profile carefully

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 11/07/2010 16:43

YABU obviously

You cannot tell someone else what to do or try to change them, especially when you've only been on one date.

It's just not your place. He is an adult. It is his choice and his alone. The oly choice you have in the matter is whether or not you date him.

mamalovesmojitos · 11/07/2010 16:45

agree that you should mention it rather than flat out demand he stops. you never know, it might be the push he needs.

Original poster
zookeeper · 11/07/2010 16:47

thanks for the replies. I wouldn't dream of demanding that he stop but I will mention that it bothers me and see what he comes back with.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 11/07/2010 16:51

Agree with BertieBotts. I once dated a smoker. Told him from the outset that I hated it and that I wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who did as I could never live with or marry a smoker. He never smoked around me and by the time the relationship got serious he'd given up completely. Mind you, when we split up a few years later he started again, but that was up to him.

hairytriangle · 11/07/2010 17:17

Yabu.

janeite · 11/07/2010 17:19

YABU.

GiddyPickle · 11/07/2010 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smosma · 11/07/2010 22:43

I once smoked my way through an internet date with a really lovely bloke - even though I was trying to quit and knew he was a lifelong non-smoker... I was just nervous. He didn't ask me to give up - just told me he'd never much seen the point of smoking.

I smoked through our second date too. And then I stopped, because I wanted to, and it suddenly seemed a bit daft, and because he was worth it.

That was 6 years ago and I haven't smoked since. We now have two small children and are planning to get married next year...

So - he's said he wants to give up - I'd say YANBU at all to make it clear (sometime soon, maybe not immediately) that a relationship with a smoker just isn't going to work for you... But give him a chance first?? You may be just the reason he needs...

scanty · 11/07/2010 23:07

I couldn't date a smoker so it would be a deal breaker for me but YABU asking him to give up afer one date. If he asks for another date though you are perfectly entitled to explain your reasons and see how he responds.

porcamiseria · 12/07/2010 09:02

if someone told me to give up after one date i'd tell them where to go

find a non smoker

thesecondcoming · 12/07/2010 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottaluvin · 12/07/2010 10:25

ROFL @ secondcoming

sunny2010 · 12/07/2010 10:35

When I met my husband I told him from the start (after about 3 weeks) I wouldnt get engaged if he didnt quit smoking. It took him 10 weeks and then he askd me to marry him. That was nearly 7 and a half years ago!

He now thanks me and says its the best thing he ever did. I am very glad I asked him to as I wouldnt live in a house with a smoker.

FranSanDisco · 12/07/2010 10:35

I'd leave it a bit I think. Bit soon to change all his bad habits . Soon as you get the wedding out of the way give him a list.