For thinking it's such a strange thing when somebody dies

[ApocalypseCheese]

And they just arent there anymore

Also, pavlov, FWIW I feel the same way.

i lost 3 people very dear to me between february and august last year so have found this year hard with it being the 1st anniversary.
my god son was killed in a motorbike accident he was 17 and i am so in awe of his mum how she has coped she is truly remarkable
my aunt who i was very close to died of cancer and i really miss chatting to her she was a beautiful lady in many ways and i miss her terribly
my friend died from a brain tumour leaving a dh and 2 small dc's.how her dh has carried on is again remarkable and her children are a joy
so sorry for everyones loses
death is a very strange and mysterious thing that i find hard to grasp sometimes and so unfair in many ways

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I have never lost anyone close. But I think about losing my mum or dh. I have thus had a conversation with my mum about either of us dying. and we did tell eachother how much we loved eachother.
There was a very beautiful thread , poss last year, i think the mn'er had cancer and people were advising her to video herself, so that her children could see her and hear her voice, so as to never forget it and write notes to her children. touched me that thread did.
Maybe i should discuss with my mum what she wants for her funeral, and what i would want for mine,(and talk to dh too) should i die young, suddenly.
Doesn't hurt to talk about these things, I think. But many families are unable to.

When my Dad died (unexpectedly), I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I couldn't believe he wasn't here anymore. That was a year and a half ago now. I don't feel that sense of incomprehension anymore, yet when my Mum picked up the phone the other day and responded in a particular way, my first thought was that it was Dad calling.

I read this the other day, by Ben Okri -

"My parents lived to see their unruly child come through and win the Booker prize, but one day in my 30s, I got this impossible call from Nigeria to say that my mother had gone. We never think that our mothers will die. It was like suddenly an abyss opened at my feet ? I was standing on nothing. It was the strangest thing. Her passing away ripped the solidity out of the world. For a few weeks, I'd be walking along and suddenly I'd be unable to stand straight and I'd hold on to a lamppost and find the lamppost wasn't solid either. That was a turning point for me. It began a great journey. I don't feel I need to lean on lampposts any more. You need internal lampposts ? and a few good friends."

One idea I have been thinking of recently is of asking my mum to write a letter to me in the event of her death, so that I have something to console me after she's gone. (We are able to talk about such things openly, luckily). I'm planning to write letters to her, my husband and children too, just in case anything happens to me. One thing that sudden death teaches you is that you can never be certain of anything.

Isn't it incredible that people walk around and lead outwardly normal lives with all this grief inside them? How does everyone do it? I sometimes think we should bring back black armbands, so that we know when to be especially kind to those who are in the early stages of bereavement.

I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost someone.

I really feel for those who lost loved ones from sudden deaths. I was so grateful to get the chance to to spend my mums last weeks with her (though a sudden death might have been easier for her), supporting her, cuddling her and really just storing up on hugs and touches that would have to last the rest of my life. We didn't see each other that often are not a hug/cuddly family so I probably got more physical contact in a few weeks than I would have got if she had lived another 3O yrs. My friend's father died suddenly a few weeks ago and I can't imagine how she is feeling as we had the chance to grieve and say goodbye to mum and we hoped she would let go in the end as her last few weeks had been so awful. At least all your loved ones are greatly missed and loved so led a life worth living. I feel so sorry for those who have no-one to even notice their passing.

Oh Toffee - those words are so......so.....touchable....that makes no sense whatsoever.....to be able to say to a lost loved one just one more time I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT WHEN YOU ARE GONE I WILL FALL APART AND MOURN THE FACT YOU ARE NO LONGER HERE. Life is weird and I miss my sons and my 'older family' with a passion xxxx

My Dad died last month, totally unexpectedly and the world is still turning, how can that be? Today I sat on my favourite beach and realised that he wouldn't come to BBQS anymore.
Silly little things that suddenly mean the world.

It hasn't really hit me yet and yes I would have given anything to have said goodbye. toffee thank you for quoting Ben Okri.

Scanty - I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. It is a privilege to be able to look after someone in their last few weeks and it must be comforting to have that memory, although I'm very sorry that her last weeks were so difficult. If it is any consolation, I know from experience (I cared for both my grandparents in their last weeks) that those vivid and often traumatic last memories of nursing someone you love will pass and be replaced by happier memories. And you are right, at least all the loved ones people are talking about on this thread are loved and missed.

Shabbapink - we don't often get the chance to say those words, do we? Even when someone we know is dying, they may not want us to talk about it. I think we have to comfort ourselves with the thought that they knew they were loved and it didn't need to be said. I'm so sorry you have lost family, particularly your boys. That is just too awful for words.

Mermaidspurse - I'm so sorry about your dad. I felt just like that when my dad died. It made no sense whatsoever. The day he went into a coma, I was on my way to see him at the hospital, after a routine operation that he was recovering well from, with a book that I thought he'd like. I still have that book because I just don't know what to do with it. I can't quite get my head round the fact that I can't give it to him, even now. Actually, even writing about it upsets me.

The first months of grief are so intense, it is just awful. I'm so sorry you are going through that now. A year and a half later, I can truly say that I am enjoying life again. I have a lovely family and I relish my time with them. I often think of Dad, but I try not to dwell on the sad aspects of his passing because I want to get on with life and that is what he would have wanted. If I think about it, it all comes flooding back again, so I find it is better to keep it 'locked away'.

What helped me was talking to good, kind friends. I also saw a counsellor, but I wasn't ready to do that for about six months or more after he died. Mementoes helped (photo albums, letters, etc.).

But the bottom line, as this thread said at the beginning, is that to think of someone so vivid and alive suddenly not being here anymore is beyond our comprehension. I think, eventually, our poor brains just think, ok, it must be true then.

Will Self (I think) wrote a short story about how all supposedly dead people just go to another part of London to live. I like that.

Thanks Toffee - it was a privilege. People often say they don't want their children or loved ones to ever have to deal with nursing them or seeing them die but we wouldn't have had it any other way. My mum's illness and decline was shockingly sudden (about 7 weeks). It must be much more difficult when the illness and nursing is long and you don't have much support. Being there has definitely helped.

PS Shabbapink - just read your profile and saw the pictures. It made me cry. I'm so sorry about your boys.

Scanty - I'm glad being there with your mum helped you. I hope you get lots of comfort and support from good friends and family.

my sister's best friend died in february. it was awful but when i see my sister getting ready to go out or hear her talking about friends i always forget and nearly ask her about her friend. sometimes she will mention her and it will suddenly hit me that i will never see her or hear her voice again.

damn, knew i shouldn't have come on this thread.