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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to get back in the car?

35 replies

Butterpie · 10/07/2010 20:28

I was working today. I usually take 8mo DD2 with me, but FIL volunteered to watch her and give me a lift to work, which I accepted. So, in the morning he gave me a lift, then went round to mine to pick up DD2 (DP and MIL were taking DD1 to a show).

The event I was doing finished early, but I was only expecting FIL at 4pm, as I knew he would need the car seat (which was in my house) to bring DD2, and everyone else was at the show.

At 3.45, FIL came walking into the event, carrying DD2. He had taken the top carrycot bit off the pram, wedged it into the car, fastened the flimsy lap belt round the baby, and driven there like that!

I think i managed to hide my horror, I just said, oh, no worry, I'll just take her home on the bus- I don't want you getting in trouble or anything, but he clearly thought I was over-reacting, and got MIL to drive down with the car seat to pick us up.

I'm right though, surely, to not let my baby be carried illegally in a car?

(the carrycot bit has a kind of joint, so it was sat up and the baby was facing forwards, if that makes sense- it looked a bit like a forward facing car seat, except not one and with only a little lap strap (not even between her legs) holding her in.)

OP posts:
paddypoopants · 10/07/2010 20:44

OMG! YANBU - that is terrible. I wouldn't have got in the car either. I don't think you should hide your horror - or he might do it again. Can you get your dh to have a word.

StayFrosty · 10/07/2010 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lonnie · 10/07/2010 20:50

YANBU

proudnsad · 10/07/2010 20:54

Yanbu of course, but you have to remember the generation gap! My parents used to drive us home from family parties after several martinis and us rattling around with no seat belts on in the back...they think we're all OTT over protective nutters.

LittleSilver · 10/07/2010 20:56

YAN at all U, but do remember it is a generational thing, your FIL prob thought he was being extra-careful by putting the belt on ! Many a journey I took on the motorway wedged on someones lap in the front.

desertgirl · 10/07/2010 21:00

YANBU, but he is not being (intentionally) unreasonable either - when we were growing up carrycots fastened into the car (can't remember how) were the sign of an unusually cautious parent.

My parents were pretty careful - we all had seatbelts (4 point things that were somehow attached to the back seat) - but still think I'm an OTT protective nutter (I do get v. anxious about car seats when over in the UK; am used to my nice firmly attached isofix ones here, bit of a shock to the system using the handed-down-from-10-year-old-nephew affairs my parents have)

Original poster
Butterpie · 10/07/2010 21:00

I thought i had got through to him after he carried DD1 (2yo at the time) on his knee in the back of a car. How can I impress on him that I really am serious?

(DP isn't really in a better position, as he has a habit of banning really quite normal things like Disney)

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 10/07/2010 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeatRoute · 10/07/2010 21:04

No, it's NOT a generational thing! Fuck me! My mother is 64 and ABSOLUTELY knows that my baby and my 3 year old have to go in their proper car-seats, or not at all. Do NOT accept that as a reason. Your DH must have a word and you were quite right to not get in the car.

Debs75 · 10/07/2010 21:05

YANBU your child was in danger and your FIL in danger of a fine. Sometimes the threat of a fine can make them notice more then you 'panicking'.
It is a generation thing tho, we didn't have straps in the back for years.

Have to ask did he say 'but I'm a good driver. I wouldn't let anything happen to gc'
DD1's friend has to be told several times to put her belt on and she says she doesn't have to in her dad's car as he is a good driver.

spixblue · 10/07/2010 21:18

Aaargh! Yeah... I'd ask the cops to tail FIL with sirens blaring and threaten him with a fixed penalty. It doesn't matter if you're a good driver: somebody else on the road might not be!
Having said that, our family don't own a car & we were somewhat flummoxed by the issue of how to get our first born the 5 miles home from hospital in a taxi, given the rules on child restraints. It turned out that licensed cabs are exempt from elements of the law and my dd would have been fine travelling on my knee! Luckily soembody lent us a car seat though.
Get a leaflet stating the law from the direct.gov website to convince your FIL he's doing the right thing by strapping her in properly.

Original poster
Butterpie · 10/07/2010 21:21

MIL was puzzled this time too- I think they both thought that, as the car seat is part of a travel system, the top of ANY pram would do.

Sigh.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 10/07/2010 21:22

There are some videos on www.childcarseats.org.uk ( the official ROSPA site) which might be helpful to show him, maybe?

proudnsad · 10/07/2010 21:25

Yes giving fil a direct.gov leaflet is really the way to go with a well-meaning but unaware grandfather. What a RIDICULOUS comment. Just explain it's illegal, you really don't want him to do it again. Just got to be polite, calm and direct about it.
And, errr, yes it is a generational thing.

EmmaKateWH · 10/07/2010 23:11

YANBU. I would have gone mental if my FIL had done that. What an idiot.

SalFresco · 10/07/2010 23:17

The police issue on the spot fines, which is reason enough not to do it and avoids grandparents feeling hurt or parents having to worry abut looking precious or paranoid. It is true about the carrycots - that used to be how careful parents transported babies, the carrycot was fixed onto the back seat using a special long strap. And how many of us remember travelling in the boot with the parcel shelf lifted off? (I'm not saying we don't need car seats, btw!)

Bernieishoneydragonsnemisis · 10/07/2010 23:24

YANBU

I think you handled the situation well - and explain that you don't want him to break the law in the future.

My friends father however strapped her baby into the mypod for her - as he was giving them a lift home, baby was asleep on the floor in it. This was despite the car seat already being in his car. When my friend commented why? He asked if he had fit it wrong.

It turned out he had seen the carry cots that can be fitted into cars and assumed hers was as thus.

No help to you ... but does mean that mistakes can be made with the best of intentions.

Rosieeo · 10/07/2010 23:39

Am I the only one that remembers bombing to the seaside in the boot of an estate car, wedged in amongst three other kids?

YANBU but I do think it's a generational thing.

gomummygo · 11/07/2010 00:05

YANBU to have not gotten in the car!

I think YWB slightly U to have been so nice about it, actually. It is important that he get the message that it is not ok.

proudnsad · 11/07/2010 07:39

No rosie you're not the only one and I've made the point twice!

EricNorthmansmistress · 11/07/2010 07:51

We were 4 kids with a regular sized car so on family trips someone would always be wedged in the boot with the dog. Our car never had seatbelts in the back. It's absolutely a generational thing - like drink driving, smoking round children, lots of older people wouldn't think twice about it.

BaggedandTagged · 11/07/2010 08:02

It is totally a generational thing. That doesnt mean you have to accept it but "going mental" and calling him an idiot isnt going to convince him. It might well lose you your free childcare and a lot of goodwill though.

I think you just have to explain that, whether he think's it's stupid/OTT or not, it's now illegal to use a carrycot to transport a child, and he could be in a load of trouble if the police see him.

Eric- lol re being wedged in with the dog - my dad had a green minivan for his business which didnt even have backseats and my sister and I would sit in the back on cushions in amongst whatever stock he was carrying in it at the time. Always used to hope it'd be something squashy

williewalshsballs · 11/07/2010 08:07

I'm with the others. yanbu. generational thing. you and dp speak to him and mil, impress upon them the importance of car seat. acknowledge that you understand he was trying to be safe by using pram top thingy and that you appreciate the time they spend with dcs. they sound reasonable. do it sooner rather than later while this incident is "fresh"

williewalshsballs · 11/07/2010 08:10

and actully, as fortunately nothing went wrong, LOL. I can just imagine him muttering about you andd dp being overly protective as he struggled to fashion together the makeshift car seat. must have been proud of himself

whoneedssleepanyway · 11/07/2010 08:16

proudnsad and Rosieeo i remember arguing with my siblings as to who got to travel in the boot.

YANBU, next time FIL has them I would advise you strap the carseats into his car so all he has to do is put the kids in them.