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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH ahould have stayed at home?

27 replies

mermummy · 10/07/2010 20:09

DD has got a bit of a tummy bug and was up a few times last night. Much better today and kept temp down by staying in paddling pool.

However what really gets to me is that we had been due to visit BIL and family and stay the night. Was not keen TBH and then when DD got sick I definitely wasn't going to take her. Have to be able to drop her to childminder's on Mon and work.

DH went anyway. Reason being we hadn't seen BIL and his family since christmas, not for any feuding reasons just last time they were due to visit us DD was sick then as well.

Before we had DD we always fell in with BIL and his family because they were the ones with ch. Dh has always been a very dedicated uncle, but Ireally feel that he should have stayed home with me and DD today. Especially since he went to Glasto only a couple of weekends back.

I spoke to BIL to let him know DH was on way down, all he said was "so not going to see you two today?" Had I been him and had such huge influence over my little brother I would have told him to stay at home with his sick baby and wife.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have gone and BIL should have stopped him? (And I do know I should have been honest with DH and then perhaps he would not have gone and would not be sitting here fuming and posting)

Sorry this is very long and possibly a bit inappropriate considering some shit that some ladies on here put up with. Now off to find vino.

OP posts:
pooka · 10/07/2010 20:14

I think YAB a little U.

Why should your BIL tell your DH what to do? Don't be cross with him. Be cross with your dh if you have to.

However, you say yourself that your dd is feeling better today. Quite right not to take her, but no reason for the whole household to be under house arrest.

Harimo · 10/07/2010 20:17

I think YABU, TBH.

Is it about your DD being ill, or about your Dh spending time with you.

because if it's the former, I really can't see what Glasto has to do with it.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/07/2010 20:27

Well, it doesn't take 2 people to look after a child who's a bit ill, so you didn't need him there. You had an arrangement to go down. None of you have seen them for months. It's his brother so if any of you can go down, it makes sense it's him. So it seems to me at least, that you're a bit unreasonable.

However, if it is the latest episode of you always being left alone all the time while he has a good social life and you never do anything as a family - then you'd not be being unreasonable.

so I guess it depends on the broader picture.

Acanthus · 10/07/2010 20:40

I think he's doing the right thing. All family is important, not just the family you live with.

hairytriangle · 10/07/2010 21:59

Yabu.

spanxaremyonlyfriend · 10/07/2010 22:04

YABU both about your dd needing 2 parents to look after her and your BIL being in charge of what your DH does. I suspect this might be an AIBU by stealth.

IFancyKevinELevin · 10/07/2010 22:10

He hasn't seen his bruv since Christmas?

YAB a little U.

mumeeee · 11/07/2010 00:14

YABU. Your BIL is DH's brother and the visit had already ben planned. You don't need 2 people to look after one sick child.

Northernlurker · 11/07/2010 00:17

Pull yourself together. He's your husband - if you don't want him doing something then you need to speak up and say so! It's not unreasonable of him to want to see his brother.

ChippingIn · 11/07/2010 00:33

I'm going to go against the tide a bit here!

I agree that you didn't need him to be home (most of us can cope with one poorly baby on our own can't we!!), but he didn't know how sick she would be today and a sick baby in this heat - it might have been nice to have someone to share the stress/care with - especially when you have to go to work tomorrow too.

I actually think it would have been nice of your DH to stay home and have a family day 'by the pool' at home - then you could have both had a relaxing day before going to work tomorrow instead of you looking after DD while he swans off to his brothers for the day. Is there any reason you couldn't have gone next weekend instead??

It does get a bit frustrating when you have spent years 'falling in' with other people as they have the babies/children - but when it's your turn it's not reciprocated!!

As for the BIL - it might have been nice if he'd said 'Little Brother - it would be nice to see you, but why don't you stay at home with your DW & DD today and come down next weekend instead' - but the onus is only a tiny little bit on him - largely on your DH.

However, you said you weren't keen to go - why was that? If you are usually anti, your DH probably figured it was easier to go on his own and so he might as well go today as any other....

Still - I hope you didn't end up 'having words' about it when he got home - life really is too short!

I hope your DD is feeling better!!

mumblechum · 11/07/2010 04:15

Sorry I think you're being a bit U.

Your dh hasn't seen his brother for 7 months. He sees you & dd every day. Unless your dd was in hospital or something I wouldn't expect him to cancel his get together.

Hope your dd is better soon.

Rindercella · 11/07/2010 05:21

YABU. Sorry your DD is a little under the weather, but maybe your DH felt she was ok as she'd been happy playing in the paddling pool?

It sounds to me that you didn't much fancy going to see BIL and his family anyway and your DD being a little under the weather was a good excuse for you not to go.

Christmas was quite a long time ago now and. If your DH used to be really close to his nieces/nephews then I bet they all really enjoyed seeing each other.

Oblomov · 11/07/2010 05:55

YABVU. What i read from your post is :

  1. you don't really like your dh's family. your resentment towards them , in the words you type, is HUGE. they were supposed to come before ? but you cancelled becasue dd was unwell ? how unwell was she ? ds2 was quite under the weather for ds1's birthday party. was only teething, but he was totally out of sorts. calpol and got on with it is the answer. It takes ages to arrange visiting, and then you cancelled, at the last minute, not for the first time, i bet, because i bet you, your dd was an insy-tinsy bit unwell. i bet your bil thinks this too. 'we not seeing you'. is what he said. inside he's thinking 'AGAIN'. bet they talk about you all the time. oh she never comes. You need to have a good think about over-reacting to your dd's illness's. and how you treat your in-laws. because it sounds bad, from where i'm sitting. i knows thats harsh, but i think its true.

and you need to think about how your communicate with your dh. if you didn't want him to go, you should have said, please stay, i need you.

I think there are LOTS of things going on here. And they ALL come down to you being unreasonable.

piscesmoon · 11/07/2010 06:51

I also get the impression that you were quite happy to have an excuse not to go. Since your DD wasn't direly ill I think that your DH did the sensible thing.
If you were really cheesed off that he went off for the second time on his own, you could have suggested that he looked after DD and you went on your own. (I suspect that you didn't want to go on your own).

5DollarShake · 11/07/2010 08:50

YUBU.

It wasn't up to your BIL to dissuade his brother not to come. Any normal person would have assumed the husband and wife had spoken about the situation, and agreed on what to do (in this case, him stand by the pre-arranged visit, and you stay with your DD), and wouldn't deign to poke their nose in and interfere in business that wasn't theirs.

It was up to you to tell your DH how you felt, if you didn't want him to go, not up to the BIL to do anything.

In any case, agree with everyone else - sounds like you didn't really want to go, and are annoyed at your DH for going, but didn't really feel you could say so for whatever reason.

OrmRenewed · 11/07/2010 08:52

YABU.

It doesn't take 2 people to look after a slightly sick child. And why shouldn't he see his brother?

merrymonsters · 11/07/2010 09:38

I agree with the others. He wanted to see his brother and your DD wasn't that ill. Really you should be pleased that you had your DD as an excuse to avoid the visit you clearly didn't want to go on.

BIL didn't do anything wrong.

rubbersoul · 11/07/2010 12:59

I understand how you fell though. If it were me I might feel abit miffed, like he's going to spend time with BIL and his children instead of staying with you and your LO. Could have been better if he had arranged something another time when you could all be together

gorionine · 11/07/2010 13:03

I think you are a bit U. It is important for your DH to see his brother. You say they have not seen eachother since Christmas (well over 6 months!), it is not like they seee eachother everyday really.

Why should your BIl have "stopped" him from visiting?

HappyMummyOfOne · 11/07/2010 13:49

YABU - he hasnt seen his brother since Xmas and you want him to stay home with a slightly unwell child as you dont want to go?

Nobody can make you like his family or enjoy the visits, but telling him he cant see his family or moaning when he does is not on.

GeekOfTheWeek · 11/07/2010 16:08

YABVU

JodieO · 11/07/2010 16:15

I wish dp's brother would even want to bother with visits...and he's older than dp......

char3mum · 11/07/2010 16:22

families!!!! a nightmare, i tend to agree with you, if i have been up all night with sick little one he can put off a visit so i can get a little sleep, or a shower. doubt you will ever agree on this one as if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn't have gone!!!

BrightLightBrightLight · 11/07/2010 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

janeite · 11/07/2010 17:17

YABVU. If she's playing in the paddling pool, she's not that sick and certainly won't need two of you to look after her. Tbh it sounds like you are using dd being 'a bit unwell' to avoid seeing your dh's family.

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