To think that DH was out of order?

[ttalloo]

We went to the supermarket today and as has happened for the last two or three weeks, DS1 (3.6yrs) clamoured for a toy, and DH wanted to give in to him just for a quiet life. I made it clear as I have done every time this has happened that I don't want to DS1 to get a toy just for being at the supermarket (it's a necessary but boring part of family life, and DS1 just needs to get used to it) so DH told DS1 that he wanted to buy him one, but I wouldn't let him.

I was furious at DH using me as an excuse to do what he should have been doing in the first place (saying no). This happened this morning and I am still so cross - mainly because DH doesn't see that he did anything wrong.

YANBU - whatever the argument is about, your DH should never be saying that to your kids.

And YANBU in not wanting him to have toys every time he goes shopping!

LOL!.... Lighten up. Oh I know that you want to be consistent in your messages about toys and supermarkets but if a dad can't mess up the training schedule and spoil a little boy occaisonally then it's a miserable old world. And blaming you for being responsible? Sounds pretty normal.

I don't mind if DH spoils the children from time to time, but being rewarded for going to the supermarket every week just teaches the DCs that they need only co-operate if they are given what they want on pain of throwing a tantrum.

And it fills the house with yet more tiny cars, none of which the DCs even look at again once they are home.

Then don't take DH and the DCs shopping. Leave them all at home. Then you can relax and buy what you like in a totally tantrum-free, matchbox car-free environment. Better still, shop on-line!

YANBU and your DH shouldn't have said that but pick your battles with your husband as well s your kids and don't let this fester.

I can't drive so I can't go by myself. And DH won't go by himself even without the DCs because he hates supermarket shopping.

I agree with Chil. Why anyone would want to trawl round a supermarket on a sunny Saturday with a toddler and dh I don't know.

Do it online, you're in charge of what's bought and you have your Saturday free!

But I know that's n ot really the point and YANBU, your dh needs to not give into your ds like that.

Trying not to sound rude here-but he hates supermarket shopping?
Well join the club!

I don´t drive-husband shops.

Surely he can see that´s more than likely a better option?

Fabster you are right, I shouldn't still be fuming about this. If DH had at least recognised that he was undermining me I would have got over it by now. But I feel better for venting on MN!

Chil1234, forgot to say that on-line supermarket shopping doesn't appeal. But if I don't pass my driving test soon, and this toy-buying business at the supermarket doesn't stop, I may well have to resort to it. [hmm}

I regularly get my DH saying things like "sorry, but Mummy says no"! Does my head in, but it's because he's a big soft pushover with the DCs and hates being the bad guy. I've just got used to being bad cop and at least it reinforces that I am quite clearly in charge of everything and to be obeyed at times!

You're not on your own!

When I was married we never went to the supermarket en famille. It's just miserable and designed to trigger tantrums and unneccessary temptation.

Agree do it online. I can't stand supermarkets - the queues, the lighting

I do a combo of online and short shops ITKWIM.

Can you get a taxi back?

Def agree you should also send dh.

DH hates going to the supermarket, so even though I can see that it's preferable for him to go by himself with a list, leaving me and the DSs behind, he can't bear the idea of going by himself because he assumes (correctly) that the DSs and I are having fun at home without him. So we all troop off together.

Of course once I've learnt to drive I'll happily go by myself but then he'll be annoyed that I'm having a nice time at the supermarket alone, while he's at home having a stressful time with the DSs, who know that he's a pushover...!

But pjmama, I like your attitude to being bad cop - at least it means that the DSs know not to mess with me!

Do what my friend does, her dh takes her to the shop then takes the dc off in the car for a drive, or home or to the park ect, anywhere but the supermarket while she shops, he then picks her up!

Mummy says no! WTF? Don't you find that a DH with so little authority is rather lacking generally? OF course YANBU, OP

Shop online or just tell your DH to be a man and go do the blooming shopping !! So what if he doesn't like it - nobody likes supermarket shopping.

I see both parents with children all the time in the supermarkets and nobody ever looks like they are having a good time and I never ever understand why they are both there dragging the children around with them.

but of course there is the other side to this.....your dh is dad to ds,he's a parent. why should what you say go? why are you making all the rules?

Yanbu to be cross that DH is using you as an excuse for unpopular decisions. I wouldn't be happy about my DH modeling himself as an underling within our relationship in front of my dss. Does your DH disagree with what you seem to think of as a joint toy buying policy?

pmsl at not doing the shopping because he doesn't like it!

I make the rules ILoveTiffany because if I don't, DH won't. If I'm not around then chaos reigns because DH lets them eat what they like, watch TV endlessly, have whatever toy they want, so that he can curry favour with them - even though I am the authority figure, the boys have a marked preference for me, and DH thinks that letting them do what they want is a way to overcome that.

I have no control over what DH does with them when I'm not there, but at least when I am there I feel he should follow the rules I set, whether it's about not buying toys on demand or going to bed at a specific time. The absence of rules is anarchy, and I don't want to live like that.

Does your DH agree that your way is better?

spanx, DH agrees that my way is better, but he can't bear the tantrums that ensue when he tries to enforce the rules (because the DSs know that he's a pushover) so he gives up and gives in. It takes effort to enforce discipline and rules, and DH just can't be bothered.

Plus he wants to be seen as good cop, so he thinks that if the DSs think he's fun and lets them do what they like (unlimited cbeebies, chocolate and biscuits spring to mind) then that's better for their relationship.

Online shop!!!

If my DH (or probably more pertinently my DM and DF) spoil the DCs too much, I let them get on with it for that particular instance, but mention later, out of DCs earshot.

To my mind, if you know that your DH is easily persuaded, then remind him shortly before you get to the shops that you need to maintain a united front re. no treats.

I would not be happy with a good guy (Dad), bad guy (mum) situation.

So basically you can choose between being the nag or the bad guy or anarchy? I'm not suprised you're furious.

spanx, that's exactly it. It drives me mad. There are, as have been suggested, myriad solutions to the immediate problem of toys on demand at the supermarket (I learn to drive, on-line shopping, hell freezes over and DH goes by himself), but the problem is a deeper one than that because DH just won't take responsibility for parenting. He does help, but he has to be told what to do, even after more than three years of fatherhood, and his help is generally conditional on his mood, tiredness levels, what's on TV.

It's not how I imagined family life to be - that the children won't get fed, dressed, bathed, entertained, put to bed, disciplined, etc. unless I initiate it. And I am sure that DH lazily creating the roles of good daddy and bad/good mummy to suit him (because I am good mummy when there's a crisis that he can't/won't deal with) is just going to lead to problems as the children grow up.

And going back to what acanthus said ("a DH with so little authority is lacking generally") - to see DH giving into a three-year-old who knows which of his buttons to press does rather diminish him in my eyes.

Sigh. All this from a trip to Tesco's.