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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH was out of order?

37 replies

ttalloo · 10/07/2010 18:51

We went to the supermarket today and as has happened for the last two or three weeks, DS1 (3.6yrs) clamoured for a toy, and DH wanted to give in to him just for a quiet life. I made it clear as I have done every time this has happened that I don't want to DS1 to get a toy just for being at the supermarket (it's a necessary but boring part of family life, and DS1 just needs to get used to it) so DH told DS1 that he wanted to buy him one, but I wouldn't let him.

I was furious at DH using me as an excuse to do what he should have been doing in the first place (saying no). This happened this morning and I am still so cross - mainly because DH doesn't see that he did anything wrong.

OP posts:
Acanthus · 11/07/2010 11:48

Aw you poor thing. You need to talk to your DH (again, I'm sure) but I bet he just refuses to "hear" what you are saying. Is it "Raising Boys" (Steve Biddulph) that talks about this kind of thing? Not sure IIRC.

Original poster
ttalloo · 12/07/2010 14:02

Acanthus, I spoke to DH yesterday and we seem to have got somewhere - he's agreed to stop buying toys for the boys when we go to the supermarket, no matter how much they howl, and to stop his good cop / bad cop style of parenting. I think we are still going to the supermarket en famille on Saturday, but at least we have some ground rules in place.

So far so good, and yesterday evening, even though the World Cup final was on he didn't make excuses not to help with bath and bedtime. In fact he was pretty lovely. So maybe something has shifted for the better.

Thanks for all your responses, ladies. It's really helped to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
Morloth · 12/07/2010 14:09

Get the bus there and get DH to come and collect you when done. I hate it when we all end up in the supermarket.

Acanthus · 12/07/2010 14:42

Good! Do you think he understood why you were asking for things, or just went along with you to shut you up?? I hope it was the former!

pigletmania · 12/07/2010 14:51

Love online shopping, could not live without it with a tantruming dd 3.4 years. Life is pain and hassle free then! I only cycle to the supermarket to pick up odds and sods when dd is at nursery in the week.

Original poster
ttalloo · 12/07/2010 15:46

He said he understood the importance of presenting a united front, and teaching the children that toys and presents are not theirs just for the asking, but he struggles with saying no to them. (No surprise there!)

I think he was being truthful, as he rarely admits to not being able to do something, and I did feel by the end of it that we are on the same side again.

Even if I wasn't able to convince him that he should go to the supermarket alone on Saturday. Or that we should give online shopping a go. I might take a pootle around the Sainsbury's website and make an experimental shop. What's the worst that can happen?!

OP posts:
MayorNaze · 12/07/2010 15:47

i will not never ever do a suermarket shop with dh and the kids

online

you can mn, ergo you can shop on line

simples

ChippingIn · 12/07/2010 15:59

ttalloo - it's as you said though, it's deeper than how you get your shopping (though I have to say, dragging a DH & kids around as well would finish me off!! Get that licence and learn the trick of escaping to do it in peace!!).

I hope things stay 'improved' for you after your talk, if they don't, you have to make him see that being a pushover is a real turn off for you and that you need him to be a parent and not another child. He needs to be told to grow-up and pretty damn quick! Not being a decent partner/parent because you are tired/the football is on/it's a day ending in Y is not on - you don't get that choice!

thumbwitch · 12/07/2010 16:07

I feel for you, OP. I really do. I have similar ishoos with my DH - it's more like having a second child around than a second parent. DH knows that he shouldn't undermine me when he's being daft/dangerous/soft but he can't help himself - and then I have to deal with the fallout because he buggers off and leaves me to it. This is Not On as I have told him.

His latest thing though is to butt in on me counting to 3 to get DS to do something - it has to be timed to allow the implications to sink in properly - so DH throwing a "2" into the mix before DS even realises I'm serious is sooo not helpful. However..

I have told him again and again that I need him to be the adult as well and parent as well but it just doesn't quite hit the mark - he agrees but then does exactly the same the next time

Original poster
ttalloo · 12/07/2010 17:22

chippingin, DH's lack of authority with the DC is entirely down to the fact that he is a part-time father. He might live in the same house as us all, but if he feels that family life is encroaching on his right to watch TV, lounge around on the sofa, play with his iPhone, or sleep he just switches off and doesn't want to know. In the meantime, the boys know he's a pushover, try it on with him, cry, get their way and the whole vicious cycle continues. (Although not any longer, fingers crossed.)

So, like thumbwitch, I too have an extra child in the house. Except that he's much harder work because 1,2,3 doesn't work on him, I can't confiscate his iPhone (not for want of trying), and his tantrums are far worse.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 12/07/2010 20:10

ttalloo - I know it's so much easier from the outside - but honestly, I would have to tell him to grow up or get out... maybe I'm just getting too old to put up with that shit ....

I have my fingers crossed that something you said yesterday hit the nail on the head! If not... try a hammer

Acanthus · 12/07/2010 20:48

I think you've just put it in a nutshell, OP. I couldn't live with that and I wonder how long you will.

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