Disagreement with DP over coeliac and wedding invitation

[flyingpancakes]

Essay. I'm sorry. Feeling quite upset!

My DP's cousin is getting married in August and we've just received an invite.

I was diagnosed with coeliac last week, I started going GF on Saturday once I was back from holiday (couldn't change dietary requirements partway through) and had zero bloating, abdominal pain etc until tonight when I ate out (work trip) somewhere that couldn't confirm no cross contamination - bad idea! - and got bloated, pains etc immediately and now feel sick.

DP wants to book flights for this wedding and he needs to book soon. I've refused to confirm whether I can go unless it's been checked whether they - and his parents, who we'd be staying with - can cater for me.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous and "they'll be able to cater for anyone" and I "need to relax". He does understand the need to tell them, but doesn't agree with my decision not to book flights until I've had confirmation they can cook for me. I'm not sure he understands cross contamination risks as opposed to just cooking gluten free food.

He's really really stressed for work reasons at the moment, which I get, but I don't feel he's being supportive. He has told me it's not that bad, there's plenty I can eat, and of course he'll be understanding and supportive - but it feels like that stops once it is a problem to him.

I'm really miserable. Feel like crap and feel like he doesn't trust me or take it seriously. Think he thinks as I've been eating gluten for so long not knowing, it doesn't suddenly become a big problem overnight. I on the other hand am trying to make up for lost time!

Am I being unreasonable? Is it fair to expect confirmation that they can cook coeliac standard (not just gluten free) before booking? I've said he can book and then I'll book if they confirm, but he flat out refuses to go without me!

I’m really sorry OP. I didn’t mean to make you feel like crap. Dealing with dietary restrictions does take a bit of getting used to.

From my point of view being a parent of children with life threatening allergies I try as much as possible to not let it affect our lives and the thought of not going to stay at my in laws or to a family wedding because of their dietary needs is just unfathomable to me. If they can cater for us bonus, if not we bring our own food.

My kids have been to many parties where they eat from their lunchbox and we have travelled all over Europe with a suitcase full of safe food just in case.

I’m afraid the feeling awkward in restaurants etc has never gone away for me, but don’t feel too embarrassed to make sure.

My tip for travelling is to take two meals worth of food with you to allow for delays as there will be nothing you can buy to eat on the plane. We’ve been glad of my packed food on several trips recently.

I think at the moment you are looking at it negatively - I wont book until I do this rather than postively - what can I do to ensure I can go to a wedding that is important to my partner.

So you can talk to his mum and ensure that she is aware of cross contimination
Talk to the caterers and make sure they are aware (the Germans should be pretty hot on this)
Take your own food

And Make sure your DP is on board with the fact that this is not you being awkward and that everyone needs to be aware that if you do need to eat your food and cater for yourself he has your back

FWIW restaurants here (even in the pokey town we live in) all have ingredient lists on their menus for dietary requirements, so they definitely understand gluten intolerance. They are usually also very obliging to customers, so the catering company will certainly not mind being asked about this. Whether they will accommodate probably depends on their procedures though.

@nononsense I didn't think you meant to on purpose, don't worry! The packed food I took with me abroad this week was a lifesaver occasionally.
@Quartz2208 you're right I was majorly struggling last week with food and feeling pretty negative. However since I hadn't thought of the idea of catering for myself at the wedding (I know, I know, clearly lots to learn! ) I did think I was trying to find a solution by asking caterers.

The eventual update is that DP realised for independent reasons he was unable to go anyway and I wouldn't go without him as I don't know the couple. However he had already asked the catering company - who said they don't usually cater for coeliac disease, weren't comfortable doing so, and could provide meat and GF bread if I also used the salad bar but basically weren't willing to say cross contamination wouldn't be an issue.
But I'm now back in the UK, feeling much more positive and in control. Thank to everyone who answered! Got some new tips and tricks up my sleeve for the next time anything like this comes up now

My dd is gluten intolerant, not diagnosed coeliac as it would cause too much discomfort for her, we went to Stuttgart last year for a long weekend and found it not too much of a problem in restaurants, although cafes for a snack was harder. They were happy to advise us of what she could eat & otherwise we tended to stay reasonably safe with steak & rice.

I bring some gluten free snacks (Aldi do a great chocolate & peanut butter bar) with me everywhere so that I can always have something. A restaurant which can cater for me then is a bonus. Generally though catering companies are fine, the problem comes with relatives and friends who think something is gluten free but forget that the stock has gluten in it.