Disagreement with DP over coeliac and wedding invitation

[flyingpancakes]

Essay. I'm sorry. Feeling quite upset!

My DP's cousin is getting married in August and we've just received an invite.

I was diagnosed with coeliac last week, I started going GF on Saturday once I was back from holiday (couldn't change dietary requirements partway through) and had zero bloating, abdominal pain etc until tonight when I ate out (work trip) somewhere that couldn't confirm no cross contamination - bad idea! - and got bloated, pains etc immediately and now feel sick.

DP wants to book flights for this wedding and he needs to book soon. I've refused to confirm whether I can go unless it's been checked whether they - and his parents, who we'd be staying with - can cater for me.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous and "they'll be able to cater for anyone" and I "need to relax". He does understand the need to tell them, but doesn't agree with my decision not to book flights until I've had confirmation they can cook for me. I'm not sure he understands cross contamination risks as opposed to just cooking gluten free food.

He's really really stressed for work reasons at the moment, which I get, but I don't feel he's being supportive. He has told me it's not that bad, there's plenty I can eat, and of course he'll be understanding and supportive - but it feels like that stops once it is a problem to him.

I'm really miserable. Feel like crap and feel like he doesn't trust me or take it seriously. Think he thinks as I've been eating gluten for so long not knowing, it doesn't suddenly become a big problem overnight. I on the other hand am trying to make up for lost time!

Am I being unreasonable? Is it fair to expect confirmation that they can cook coeliac standard (not just gluten free) before booking? I've said he can book and then I'll book if they confirm, but he flat out refuses to go without me!

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. You’ve not chosen these dietary restrictions, they are medically necessary.

My dc have coeliac and some people do not take it seriously at all. Where is the wedding as some countries are very good for coeliacs? Could you contact them yourself? But coeliac is serious. A crumb of gluten can make my kids sick. And cross contamination is incredibly worrying if you have coeliac.

Thank you. He's made me feel like I'm being needlessly awkward, I think he thinks I'm almost wearing it as a badge of pride. I'm not. I'm effing angry and frustrated and it does not feel fair at all. HOWEVER I'm an adult and can accept the fact that life isn't fair, it's much easier to be coeliac now than it used to be, and that hopefully I'll get good improvement of symptoms - so I'm trying to start reading labels, asking in restaurants, etc.

I just don't think he gets it or has read up on what it actually is, and probably thinks it's more "you get discomfort when you eat gluten so I'd suggest not eating it". He honestly is horrifically busy but it's slightly upsetting he doesn't seem to have managed to look it up yet (I have told him, but it's not the same).

@KateGrey the wedding is in Germany, DP and family are German. I offered to speak to his parents and get them to ask (I'm not strong enough in my German to call up a catering company) as his plan is to ask them, but he said no. Although had just mentioned "he's got a lot going on" so...I don't know why he said no.

How did you cope on holiday before you went gf? Is there a chance your iL may not 'get' coeliac and think you are being fussy? Am sure you ll be fine. Will the wedding venue not legally have to provide gf option?

@shakeyourcaboose I spent most of last week bloated and two nights in bed early with abdominal pain. I coped, but it's certainly not something I'd willingly put myself through again having finally found out why it's happening (had symptoms since a surgery last summer).
I think DPs parents (DM, really) will definitely try to cater for me but I'm not sure how good her knowledge will be RE cross contamination etc. I don't know about the legalities, it's very new to me plus wedding isn't in England.

Where is the wedding? My friend had supplies shipped to her family's home last summer ready for her visit. This was France but I imagine you could do the same thing to many places.

Just saw post saying Germany- honestly, you should be fine. Just take control of your own catering a bit/help in the kitchen.

This website is your friend:

www.celiactravel.com/cards/german/

Send this in an email to the catering company. I can see your concern - my husband cannot eat gluten (not diagnosed with as coeliac but he has decided he needs to be that careful with the food) and so it has limited countries he will travel to, as he doesn't 'trust' they will understand it - but Germany is not on his banned list. I think you will get a good understanding there of the issues.

I should be clear - the wedding is at a venue in Germany with extended family I don't know well. I am 90% sure the catering is being done by a company. We will stay with DP's parents for a couple of nights, where his DM will cook. I'm happy to explain to her, bring ingredients to help out etc, my main concern is the catering company being able to cater for coeliac and whether it's planned/paid for by his cousin, or if it's not been thought about etc. I know all these things CAN be fine I just want to make sure they are before I book flights. I didn't think I was being ridiculous about it but not entirely sure after the phone convo with him!

@ConstanceVigilance thank you! I'll have a look at that in the morning - just about to sleep as it's 11pm here and on a work trip. Night all. Will read responses in the morning. :)

I'd plan to cater for myself if I were you, even if they are knowledgeable about it (is that likely?) then cross-contamination is a risk. I'd explain, if your German allows that you'll provide and prepare/cook all your own food due to allergies. If that's fine, book the flights.
Your dh is being a proper dick refusing to have this conversation for you. Does he understand the diagnosis? Is he embarrassed? Does he anticipate it being a problem and just wants to put it off/bury his head in the sand? I'd have to ask him what his problem really is. If he genuinely can't explain himself, maybe he's just a prick.

I presume the wedding is just one day, so that's the only day you need to worry about. I'm vegan so I get the anxiety of having nothing suitable to eat at a function, but I've survived by having a stash of suitable snacks in my bag and resolving to have a nicer meal the next day. Obv I know it's different for you as you'll have medical repercussions if you do eat, but the abstinence approach should work well for that too if you can manage it. I know it feels wrong to not eat at a wedding, but you can always smile and say 'Oh, I had some already thanks' if people who are pushy with food demand you eat some. Or you can accept politely, then go and tip your plate into a bin. I know all the tricks here you'll be ok, really.

Your DH's lack of support is another thing altogether though, sorry

I do get why you are worried.. but I would book the flights and go. I honestly, truly believe that they any professional caterer has an understanding of these things. I am pretty certain they have to under EU regulations: ec.europa.eu/food/safety/labelling_nutrition/special_groups_food/gluten_en

The thing is communicating it effectively to anyone feeding you - the website link I sent above should help you with that - basically a card you keep in your wallet which you can show to anyone who is serving you. And going GF is actually a lot easier than you would think - it has become second nature to us now.. just ask for a lot of meat and potatoes :)

If I had any doubts I just wouldn't eat or would take some snacks; I certainly wouldn't forgo the family occasion. I understand that it is all new to you but don't let it stop you enjoying yourself.

Worst case scenario is you have to cater for yourself whilst there surely? I think refusing to book until you get confirmation that they can cater for you is a bit dramatic.

DS is most likely coeliac (haven't been able to put him on a gluten challenge as he gets so ill). We bring food everywhere. How long are you going for? A lot of airlines will give you an extra baggage allowance for carrying gf food if you get a letter from your GP.

You're right in thinking most people don't get cross contamination and think you're being fussy and neurotic. I try to explain gluten is like ecoli or whatever.

I think your DH is being an absolute arse.

My DD is Coeliac ( dairy and soya free too) and we just take food wherever we go, even to relatives houses. Even in the U.K. it can be hard to find places which understand how to cater for Coeliacs

Another coeliac here. It’s hard to adjust (but you will feel so much better) and you need your DP’s support - stick to your guns. I did find that some sceptical people became more understanding over time so there’s hope. I’ve travelled plenty without issue but wherever you are you’re right to be clear and firm about what you need (I do take my own snacks to events though, just in case!) Something else to consider is that you might find your reaction to gluten gets more severe the longer you are GF. It certainly did for me and I don’t mean to scare you but it might be something else to get your DP to understand your point of view. Good luck!

I also think you’re being over dramatic. Are you never going to go anywhere ever again until they can guarantee they can cater for you?

Both my kids have severe food allergies and we always take food with us just in case.

I do however agree that lots of places don’t understand about cross contamination.

I have a whole family of coeliacs.

I think you are right and he hasn't yet got his head around how isn' how serious coeliac can be, BUT I think you are also being a bit silly about refusing to book flights.

You have to manage your life within the disease, it's shit, but you can't let it stop you going to family events.

Thank you for all the responses, I do value the honesty and there's clearly a range of opinions.
@constanceviligance that's great you're confident that catering companies will be 'in the know', that's the kind of thing that will make this so much easier in the future. I'm looking forward to learning more and everything becoming easier, as I know it will!
Others have mentioned catering for myself, which I honestly hadn't even thought of as an opinion for a wedding reception! Like I said - completely new. You lot know tricks I do not!
Those who think I'm being overdramatic, fair enough. However I would caution (pleasantly) that I have a fairly thick skin and that made me feel like crap. If somebody clearly states they are upset, feeling like crap, and very new to all this - there may be kinder phrases to you. There may not, and maybe you wanted it to come across strongly - or maybe I should have avoided the term 'unreasonable' in my question

I will wait to see what the update is today.

*option not opinion
*to use not to you

I think they key we have found is don't be afraid to question the caterer/restaurant - make it clear that it really does matter about cross contamination. You also may want to avoid fried foods (e.g. chips) unless the chef absolutely confirms that they haven't fried anything else in the same oil - that's the one that often catches people out.

If all else fails, definitely take the other suggestions and take food with you, but I wouldn't miss out on the wedding for this. Unfortunately you will have a lifetime of this ahead but it shouldn't mean that you can't enjoy eating out ever again!

@ConstanceViligance thanks, it feels so awkward to do that at the moment but again, I'm sure it will become second nature and I will soon get over my embarrassment/hesitation to do so. It will certainly be easier doing it in English rather than my reasonable but definitely not fluent German!