Meeting with new school. How should I play it?

[mumat39]

Hello everyone.

I hope this finds you all well.

I have a meeting with DD's new school (she'll be starting in Reception in Sept this year) tomorrow afternoon and I'm after some advice on how I should 'be' at this.

DD's allergy nurse will be there (fingers crossed she makes it) so I'm hoping she'll take the lead on this.

When DD started nursery, I did the whole handover of information myself, but found it too too stressful so it's great that the nurse will be there.

I am just wondering if there's anything I should or shouldn't say. I don't want to tread on the allergy nurses toes, so to speak, but equally I don't want DD's sensitivity to not be addressed.

I'm sure there are lots of parents who have been through this, so if anyone can offer any advice that would be great. I've been meaning to post this question for a while but didn't quite know what I wanted to ask so I guess I'm just after any advice really.

For info, if it helps, DD is allergic to wheat, eggs, tree nuts, sesame, soya, all legumes ( incl peanuts, chick peas, mung beans, lentils, peas, kidney beans etc), ginger, rapeseed oil, oats. There are also a few suspicious foods that I'm not sure about like celery, guar gum and others.

DD's next allergy appointment is in August so befire she starts school. Things haven't changed much in the last few years, i.e. she hasn't shown signs of growing out of any of her allergies.

Many many thanks in advance for any advice anyone can offer.

Hi.I've never posted here before but am in a similar situation to you. My dd (4) will be starting reception in September .she is allergic to milk and I am a bit anxious about the supervision at lunchtimes. So I will be watching this thread with interest, hope you don't mind. It is good that you have the allergy nurse to go with you to the meeting.

Hi Kay3, of course I don't mind. :)

It's quite nerve wracking isn't it??

I was worried when DD started nursery and she's only there for 3 hours. The whole eating at school is my biggest worry. It's scary

There are some brilliant people on here so I'm sure someone will be able to offer us some advice.

I remember your troubles from the nursery, and I imagine her starting school will be extra stressful for you with those memories in your head.

My son is 'only' allergic to dairy but we have always provided all his food (partly because the canteens here don't cater for allergies) and insisted that he not be allowed any other food, so I guess the issues are similar really.

I think it's brilliant that the allergy nurse is accompanying you. My main advice is to have a clear line in your head about the approach you are wanting to adopt. I usually say something like 'our main concern is to keep him safe while also making sure he has as normal a life as possible' (to be repeated several times!).

I also have a clear list of points that need to be covered and then go through what will be required to keep him safe (how anything to do with food needs to be handled, how his meds are kept and handled, how lunch and snack time works etc etc) and then as a separate issues the measures that will help him to have a normal life (letting me know in advance of any food-related activities so I can provide a substitute or discuss alternatives, having a box of individually wrapped cakes and some sweets in the classroom for him to have if other children bring in birthday cake or sweets etc).

But I really focus on the approach - tone of voice etc, basically very calm and clear, firmly putting across what I need to but trying very hard to seem approachable and not hysterical or overwrought about it in any way (not saying you were before, just the things I try to keep in my mind).

Good luck!

Thanks Weta.

I think calm and firm soundslike the best wsy to be. i worry so much about it that that always comes across.

The issues with DD's nursery have knocked my confidence but i do feel in a way it's good to be starting afresh with a new school.

A list is a good idea so I'll do that now.haven't made a list yet but will now.

The nurse might be delayed so i hope dhe gets there in time.

Thanks for your help. Hope you and yours are all well. :)

Oh and of course it is important to impress upon them the consequences if she does have a reaction - I guess this is where the allergy nurse will be very helpful. It's the hardest bit to do without seeming hysterical!

I just say in a very matter of fact voice that the symptoms include xyz (just mentioning breathing problems and potential unconsciousness usually does the trick!) and say that of course an ambulance would need to be called immediately (and maybe say that the epipen essentially buys you time for the ambulance to arrive). I think if you are clear about those facts then you don't need to convey a whole lot of emotion because they themselves will be freaked out enough about the situation and you can continue to be calm and collected so that they don't think it's all totally unmanageable.

Will they be drawing up an individual management plan with you?

Hi. Hope all goes well this afternoon and I'd take a list aswell of all the points you want to raise. Good point weta to make sure they are aware of the signs of a reaction so they know what to look out for. You could ask for them to give you plenty of notice when they are cooking/preparing food in class so you can take alternatives in.our nursery does this and my dd is always included.also make sure the dinnerladies are also aware for lunchtimes, when maybe the teachers who know your dd would be at break themselves. You'll be fine.

bear in mind that the nurse should focus on the procedures to follow should a reaction happen. you , as the expert here , has kept your child ok and has lived with the steps taken to keep your child reaction free. The nurse hasnt, and may differ in your views.

so, you will still have to be clear and calm, and very honest/blunt if need be.

good luck. I only wish i took a nurse to my first meeting at school, sadly they only absorbed the real problem after they made a huge mistake. you are doing the right thing here.

Just to say I have a son in reception and I have been pleased at how the school have taken the allergies seriously and have had no incidents - although he's had nothing to eat at after school club a few times as they have forgotten to do him something. But nothing affecting his safety.

The menu and kitchen are nut free so that lowers one of the worse risks. I was ready to do pack lunches if needed but luckily still feel confident he can eat safely there.

I have a coloured A4 with his name and photo and info on what he can and can't eat, that we did ourselves, and also his anaphylaxis action plan. I have these two double sided and laminated in his book bag and have given several copies to teachers and office and made sure its up in the kitchen.

We've just had to get epipens so no experience of that yet but now we have them am making up a clear plastic box with inhaler and piriton in too and will label with photo and again put action plan and contact numbers in. (Many thanks to Eragon and others for their help on this on another thread!) Have been pleased to discover all staff had epipen training 1 month ago - they do not seem phased.

In our reception they have fruit and water in the morning, and little cartons of milk in pm, looks like milk is ok for you so perhaps that is something she can join in with? I send soya cartons so he can be the same as others.

For school trips I've sent pack lunches as I don't trust them to provide anything decent for him. Also there have been a few events during the year, e.g. French day when they let parents know in advance they'd have croissants - so I baked an alternative for him to take in and share.

Good luck, I hope you have a great understanding teacher as it really helps you to let go a bit if this is the case.

Hello again

Thank you all for your replies.

I had the meeting and they had the two reception class teachers, 1 teaching assistant, the school nurse, and someone from the catering company. Also a Y1 teacher who has an allergic child in her class at the moment.

DD's allergy nurse was also there and will be going in on one of their Inset days at the beginning of September before term starts to do Epipen training and also to give a talk on allergies in general to the staff.

She (the nurse) know me quite well as I have really found the whole thing with allergies very difficult so I am very grateful to her for being there.

Eragon, you are right that I know my DD and that I know how she reacts. However, I play it SO SFAE that she hardly ever has a bad reaction so I don't actually really know, if that makes sense. I get very stressed by a weal so do whatever I can to stop this happening. I know she is sensitive and contact allergic and would react if someone who has been handling an allergen touched her she would then get a weal. To me a weal or two means I assume the worst but according to the nurse, if it's a skin contact type allergy, then piriton should settle it. She said that of the 850 children in her care as part of the allergy clinic, she has never known of a serious reaction occurring as a result of skin contact. She actually said that unfortunately it's just one of those things and that the management of it if it happens is important. I would want all the kids to wash their hands after eating, as they do before they eat and the staff said that they would try and do this, but unless they physically escort the kids to the sink they can't be sure that they will do, so I guess, I just have to make sure DD is aware of not putting her hands in her mouth, or in her eyes, or up her nose. She's not too bad with nose and eyes but has developed a habit of always playing with her lips and so I am trying to tell her not too do this.

I guess I'm realising that I can't expect DD to grow up expecting everyone to do what we do at home so I just have to somehow help her understand this so she can lead as 'normal' a life as possible.

The school also said that they really do want to work with me to ensure that things are ok, but they did stress that they would like to try and do what they do now and would like to involve DD as much as possible. I got the feeling that they weren't just saying the right things. When the meeting started, I was mentally preparing adn reminding myself of the things DD is allergic to so that I could list them all for everyone, but they had actually read the medical forms and were all aware so that was a really positive start esp as they had already discussed the allergies between themselves so they were using this meeting to put my mind at rest that they will manage this. They said they've never had 'such a little person with so many allergies before' but that they will learn to manage this and that I need to trust them.

We also discussed catering and that's the only thing I'm not so sure about. t home we have separate pots and pans adn everything for DD so if they let her have a jacket potato and cheese, I have no idea how she would react. My instinct is to say I will provide her lunch but it would be so lovely for her if she could eat the same sorts of things as the other kids. The nurse suggested that we just give it a go and see how it is. We started using separate pans when she was about 10 months old so I have no idea if she's 'toughened up' since then as I'm too scared to change what I do as I know it keeps her safe. So although I am the one who most knows her and how she might react, in reality I haven't seen too many very bad reactions as I am so so careful, so when they ask me, how would she be if she handled play dough made with wheat, the honest answer is I don't know.

Anyway, this is a long ramble (as usual ) but I think the meeting went well. They seemed to take it seriously and seem to know how to manage children with allergies. They understand that I'm going to be anxious and want to work with me to ensure the best for DD. I didn't have to really mention the implications of a reaction as they seemed to get that epipens aren't just doled out to whoever. And the fact that the allergy nurse was there was enough that that didn't really come up. Her conclusion was that they seem really clued up and are willing to do the best they can. At the moment (lunch aside) that's all I could have hoped for.

Thanks again for all your replies. I'd be grateful to hear what you think of how it went and what you would do re lunch provided by the school.

Glad it went OK mumat. I have just presumed I will have to provide a packed lunch (ds will start school nursery in Sept but Reception only on 2013) as I just did not think they would be able to cater for him. Has anyone had any experience of schools being able to cater for allergic children (allergic to things like wheat, egg, dairy etc?) so they can eat school meals? Or are packed lunches the norm?

Hello okie, I had also presumed that I would have to provide lunch for DD.

She has only recently started back on but still has allergies to all the things you mention.

I'm also curious to know how many kids with multiple food allergies can eat at school. I wonder if we should maybe start a new thread as it might get more responses with a more specific title. What do you think?

Hiya, sounds like your meeting went well :) DS1 has allergies inc peanut and egg, he is in reception. I have sent him with a packed lunch from day 1, the hot lunches are provided by an external contracter (though cooked at school) and it has proved impossible to get ingredients lists despite asking (eg they had a special Xmas lunch which I wanted DS1 to join in with but despite chasing for several weeks, the school was unable to find out what was in it!). The school itself has been fine, his teacher lets me know if they are cooking/trying food in class so I can provide an alternative if need be. He is not anaphylactic so I am reasonably relaxed about him sitting with other kids eating, etc.

I really think it depends on the number of things they are allergic to, combined with the sensitivity, tbh.
All school catering staff are used to catering for people with different allergies, and, in general there's not a problem, but I think the whole idea of separate pots and pans might be a step too far. It's one thing you doing this for you, dh, and dd, but you have to remember they are cooking for... 150 ? 300 ? 500 ? people - plenty of whom will have their own restricted diets for all sorts of reasons.

Thanks Meg, they asked me whether DD would react if eating next to someone who was eating things that she is allergic to and I had to answer that I honestly don't know.

It's really good to hear that your DS's school are managing his allergies so well. Good stories always fill me with hope :

They've given me sample menu's to go through, but I would also want to see the ingredients list before I could agree to letting DD having anything to eat.

I forgot to mention in my long ramble before that they do have birthday cakes and things to eat in the classroom, which is a worry for me. They have asked me to proved a treat box with some things DD can have but I always worry about cross contamination and crumbs. I see them everywhere :(

So even though the meeting went well I still have alot to think about, although, maybe they are right and that I just have to trust them to do the 'right' thing. The allergy nurse did say that things can be managed and that as long as they clean tables up after food has been eaten etc, that that would be fine. Having her there was definitely a good idea as I think she's looking out for DD's interests.

That sounds like it went very well indeed - they sound as if they are on the ball and are keen to do the right things.

From reading your posts over the last few months, I have the impression that you have been going through quite a process of coming to terms with your DD's allergies and how they can be managed now that she will be going out into the world without you a bit more. It's not an easy road, but you seem to be making good progress :)

Just a thought about the pots and pans etc - I would have thought the nurse would be in a good position to give advice, so if she thinks it's worth giving it a go then maybe you should. Another option might be to test out some of these things at home (eg the pots and pans, or sitting next to her when eating wheat etc), maybe on a small scale to start with, just so you can see what happens in a safer environment where you are on hand to deal with any problems. I know that probably seems scary, but imagine how much less work it would be for you if it turned out that you didn't need to spend so much time washing pots and pans etc after all.

To some extent you do just have to let go a bit and accept that you can't control everything... but then again you may well have some pleasant surprises and find that you don't need to be controlling her environment as much as you are at the moment (very understandably given the history, but as you say, she may well have become stronger over the last few years).

As I said before, we have always had to provide a packed lunch (in fact I have a special food thermos so DS1 can take a hot lunch) as there is no catering for allergies here (not in UK). But I would have found it pretty hard to trust the school canteen anyway, so I don't really know what I would do in your situation. To be honest I'd probably start with packed lunches - just sending her to school will be stressful enough for you in terms of worrying about stray crumbs etc, so maybe it would be better to tackle the lunch issue further down the track when you are hopefully feeling more confident about the school situation generally.

And I had to laugh recently - I've always felt sad for DS1 that he has to take his own lunch (hence making the effort to organise hot food), but one of his best friends has been begging his mum for packed lunches as the school ones are not that nice. So she is now sending packed lunches too and is going to buy a thermos like ours :) plus my (non-allergic) DS2 complains that he doesn't get to take a packed lunch as well. So it's all relative!! and on the plus side, they get to take only things they actually like rather than having to take whatever is dished up.

Hello again

Meg - sorry I know you've had problems with getting recipes.

I meant to say to Heliotrope It's really good to hear that your DS's school are managing his allergies so well. Good stories always fill me with hope :

Backforgood, I don't really expect anyone to be able to cater for DD with separate pots and pans etc. They cater for 300 kids at the moment so I can see that would be impossible. It's just a new step for me to be able to relax and think it is ok. if that makes sense. At the moment I still wash things by hand as I don't trust our dishwasher. But it's something I'm plucking up the courage to try and do. I worry about things not being washed properly and I know dishwashers are hygeinic but I don;t know if they'd be hot enough to denature any allergens. Then I worry about traces left on plates etc that might cause a problem. I have alot to do to try and help DD but also to make my life a bit easier. I know my hands would be grateful too as they're so horribly dry.

Weta, you've summed me up to a tee. How you gleaned all that from my VERY long ramblings I don't know The allergy nurse suggested the same as you about trying things at home which I will do but as you say it's just a bit scary. I was worried about hand washing after lunch at school, but the staff said that the 'make' the children use knives and forks and positively discourage them eating with their hands, which is reassuring.

I like the idea of maybe just seeing how it goes with the school and then think about DD eating there. But they did say that they would like for DD to join in at lunch times as it's a really important social aspect and I do agree that it would be lovely for her to be able to safely do what the other girls do. They said that some of the reception girls stick to the same meals everyday as they're so young and not too adventurous with food so if the jacket potato with cheese worked, then in theory DD could have that everyday. Not brilliant but as you say it would be better than me having to provide lunches everyday.

I've discovered 'tapping' and am trying to do that to try and help reduce my anxiety. It's a bit woo woo but actually I think it's possibly helping a little. So if I tap away and keep trying things between now and September, then fingers crossed I'll be more certain, one way or the other about whether DD is going to be okay in certain situations or not. In the last few months I've actually managed to introduce milk,cheese,yogurts, onions, courgettes, mango, and golden syrup. So I think you're right that maybe I am coming to terms with things a bit. finally after 4 years.

Thanks again everyone for your help and advice.

For everyone interested in school catering, ds is allergic to milk, eggs, white fish, shellfish and now tree nuts, and they cope fine. He is pretty allergic and would puff up and vomit spectacularly if he had a small amount, with the nut reactions likely to involve breathing problems. He might get a hive on contact but no problem sitting next to the foods. He knows to keep away from the foods and is naturally cautious.

The school cope with several diets - halal, veggie, coeliac as well as all the allergy combinations. The midday meal staff as well as the kitchen know the allergy children, who wear something around their necks to make it really clear. Frankly he's much safer with them than his own Grannie who is prone to saying ' oh it's only a little egg wash on top'.... anyway that's another discussion.

On the first few days I sent Ds with his own allergy badges that he wears for parties etc - but soon realised they have it under control.

I had a bit of a job to get any info from the school / caterers to start with, and have never got full ingredient lists. In the end they have provided me with their 3-week menu rotation with colour coding of where he can have the food, based on the allergen info I provided. So I have to trust they've done this right. It turns out there is only 1 day every 3 weeks that they have to make something special, so it isn't too bad for them.
To be honest I don't even know what day we're on - which shows I trust them to manage it.

Puddings are the worst - the menu includes cake and custard or similar virtually every day, and he always has the fruit option - very boring indeed. I've thought about sending in alpro pots or the fruit pies he can have, but in the end opted to keep it simple - he has plenty of nice puds at home. He seems to accept this but probably a bit upset he can't have cake. Maybe I'm being mean.

Our school don't have birthday cakes in classroom due to healthy food policy or something. I would send him an alternative if they are having something at e.g. school disco.

Also one thing our school did was let a parent come to lunch with child during first week, when they were only doing half days. I don't think many people took them up on this but we did - maybe something you could ask to do.

I do agree, although I know it is hard, that you might want to test out giving up the pot and pan separation and handwashing at home if you want her to eat school meals, as I just can't see them doing this. Also could you try eating out with her a few times in canteen type environments (thinking of debenhams cafe, that kind of thing) - just get chips or something basic.

I really feel for you about the letting go process - there's lots of us in same boat - so pleased that you've added milk and cheese, my holy grail!

Thanks again Heliptrope. Your experience at school sounds brilliant and I will live in hope that we might have the same with this school. I think it's great that you trust them now and don't have to worry about lunches. That must be such a huge weight lifted as it means that you can relax about your Ds's time at school. Your DS's school sound really really good.

Adding dairy has been amazing. really. DD has never been allergic to it but it used to aggravate her eczema and also made her more sensitive to her allergies. i've tried intorducing it in the past but have never got beyond 3 ozs. It's going well so far although she has had a couple of reactions (small) recently but I'm assuming that's just the fact that hayfever is bad at the moment and nothing to do with the dairy making her more sensitive.

My holy grial would have to be wheat. Maybe one day eh? Although at DD's last appointment the allergist said she wasn't showing any signs of outgrowing her allergies. But I still live in hope that she will. :)

Hi. Glad the meeting went well. I do the same as you , separate saucepans for anything that has had mlilk in it :) the jacket poytato lunch sounds fine. Like you say she would be like the other girls . Or she could have alternate day packed lunch//school dinners.

Just another thought from my own experiences... I was always very anxious about DS1 having a reaction and somehow felt I had failed him as a parent whenever he had one (I have to say he has never had a serious one at school or in anyone else's care but ours), but I think one of the big milestones for me was coming to some kind of acceptance that he will sometimes have reactions and that is just part of life. You have to do the best you can to avoid etc but it's also important for the child to live a relatively normal life, and that means you simply cannot remove all risk. The meds are there for such situations, and we can be very thankful that we now have epipens etc and that ambulance staff are well trained to deal with allergic reactions. I still find it very upsetting if he has a reaction, but in the end part of keeping him safe is dealing appropriately with reactions when they happen, as well as trying to avoid them as far as possible.

Kay3, thanks again :)
I think I'll go through the menus and ask for the ingredients and see if there is anything else that DD could have other than jacket potato and cheese. If not then that's a good idea about alternating between school lunch and pack lunch so i'll definitely ask the school about that. Hope you're having a good weekend. xx

Thanks again Weta
I know you are right. I have always panicked at the sign of hives as I've never known if it's the start of a bad reaction. I know how quickly a bad reaction can take hold so I've always done whatever I can to reduce that risk.

We were told a few times when we were new to this, that reactions can get worse with each exposure and that we should be careful. It's confusing as to me a reaction is a reaction.

The allergy nurse said at the meeting that it's not so bad if she gets a few hives, the important thing is to make sure any reaction is dealt with asap. I am just going to have to learn to accept that. I do accept that reactions can, will and do happen no matter how careful I am, but when they do I ALWAYS feel like it's because I've been a bit relaxed about something and that it is my fault.

Just out of interest, if your DS does have a minor reaction, do the school do anything to address it so the same situation doesn't arise again, obviously if they know what caused the reaction? Or if it is seen to me minor is it 'ok' if that makes sense?

Hope you're having a good weekend too. xx

Hi. If my daughter has had a mild reaction e.g. Hives on face from being kissed by a child that has just drunk milk , no they haven't stopped it from happening again but I don' t know what they could do to be honest.we seem to have the same concerns. :)

Hi, my DS started reception in Sept last year - he is allergic to nuts, eggs and fish. Someone from the school nursing team did epipen training for about 12 staff that were most likely to be working with DS and I was invited along, so it was a good chance to talk to them all about how DS actually is, as opposed to what they might expect. School asked if he could have packed lunches to start with and in fact he has stuck with them. I have found staff to be vigilant, although the switch from nursery with the tiny ratio of staff to child, compared with school, was a bit unnerving. His class teachers are absolutely superb about being very careful of any activities that might be risky for DS and always ask me for a supply of egg replacer if they are doing any cooking with the class or organise things so DS is included and not made to feel at all an outsider because of his allergies. I had a phone call from the pastoral manager once because DS had gone slightly blotchy after eating a pear from the morning fruit trolley and they gave him piriton. My only moment of anxiety was when I went as one of the parents on a school trip and realised what proximity DS was in to children with a really wide range of packed lunches brought from home that day which included things that might have been difficult for him. Having said that, DH went along on their most recent trip and let DS do all sorts of things that I would have said no to after the staff asked his view!

Hi again Kay, I don't know what they could do in those situations either. It's tricky as at home, if for example we have eaten anything we always wash our hands and face around our mouths to make sure we don't affect DD. I realise it's not practical thing to do all the time, but we're so used to doing it that it almost seems strange that everyone doesn't do this. I know DD is used t it and actually gets worried if other kids haven't done the same outside of school. I think I'll have to help her learn to be careful but not overly worried, although I'm not sure how I'll do that as I'm a bit neurotic. I thought I'd mention that just in case it wasn't clear from my posts

WhenwillIsleepagain, That's such a good name :)
Your DS's school sound brilliant too. It does make a massive difference if the staff are at least accepting that the allergies are real, if that makes sense. I think after the meeting at the new school, (and I hope I don't jinx this by saying this (or rather typing this) out loud, is that I do feel that they will be vigilant and will look out for DD. So that gut feel is a really really good feeling. And when I hear good stories like yours it does give me some hope that maybe the same might be true for DD and her new school.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. :)