What's the best thing to do? Dp alcohol problem

[wwhn]

I'm looking for advice please for what to do in my current situation. Sorry it's so long.

My dp has a drink problem. We share a toddler but don't live together as I also have an older child and won't let him live with us until he's changed.
He's not a nasty drunk, he's actually lovely when drunk, but I can't/won't have it around my kids.
He doesn't drink every day, it's usually every 3 days. He lives with his brother, who also has issues with alcohol, and their dad was an alcoholic who died relatively young. Dp blames his alcohol issues on his environment, which I do understand, but also think it's an excuse, as he was receiving help for his addictions a decade before we even met, so they are long standing.
He's about to lose his job due to all the time off from drinking in the week. Somehow he's managed to blag it so far so they've given him a month to prove himself - he's had 2 days off just since the meeting last week. I have no hopes at all for him keeping his job.
I don't know what to do moving forwards. So many times, I've tried to end it with him as I don't want it in my life. I don't want to be with an alcoholic and I don't want my toddler growing up with the reputation of having an alcoholic father. I also really worry about the future of my ds, will he have mental health issues if his dad has alcohol issues, even if it's not around him? What if dp dies from an alcohol related issue and my son has to deal with the grief of that? What is alcohol is normalised to him and he ends up the same way? All of these things have happened to dp and his brother, although they obviously lived with it with their dad. If my son doesn't live with it, will he be shielded? or have the same issues? I have so many worries.

And myself, as I said, I don't want to be with someone who has alcohol issues. Every time he drinks, I feel let down and deflated. There's so many promises and hopes which are continuously broken. It's a never ending cycle. He is supposedly seeking help, but in all honesty, I think it's been a couple of months since he went to a meeting, and even when he was attending, nothing was changing. He actually drank after every single meeting. Whenever he's drank, I'm let down the next day. Any plans are off. Any help with the toddler is off. My older child is let down when plans don't go through, and I find myself having to make excuses (tired from work etc). The only saving grace is that he doesn't live with us so the kids are unaffected by the drinking itself, but are still feeling the effects of being let down. I worry this will be far worse for my ds as he gets older and understands that his dad is letting him down and cause issues within himself.

Due to all of this, I am a single parent, despite technically being in a relationship with him. I
am a single parent, and have been throughout.
But in between the drinking and hangovers and worries, there are good times and he is good to us, so I don't know how to end it. I prefer being together when things are okay than not being together. But i don't want to live with the ups and downs forever.
And I worry about how things would work with him seeing ds if we broke up for good, atm at least things are on my terms and I know what's what. I know he'd never drink around my ds but I wouldn't feel comfortable not knowing where they are and who with etc. He lies to me about anything he doesn't want me knowing, so I couldn't trust him.

I'm sorry this had ended up being so long. Thank you if you've read it all. I think I'm looking for a bit of understanding, some advice and some answers to my worries about the future. Or a therapist 😂

If he drinks alcohol every 3 days, it’s approximately twice a week, which in itself isn’t an outlier. When he does drink does he drink alcohol dangerously? Or do you just not like any alcohol? I’m not sure what the issue is?

End the romantic relationship and offer to continue a co-parenting relationship but make it very clear that contact with his son has to be sober and in a suitable environment (not around alcoholic brother). Even if you have to facilitate by having him come to yours for contact at first. If he's like most alcoholics sadly he'll chose booze over his child and contact will dwindle. Better now than in a few years time when your child will be more aware of the situation.

Did you miss the part where OP said he doesn't turn up for work due to drinking and is about to lose his job?

Or the part about alcoholism running in the family, killing his dad, and used as a crutch by both the kids (now adults) he's left behind. I think I'm right to worry about my ds bearing in mind the family history.
He drinks to excess 2-3 times a week, gambles, can't hold down a job, lets us all down - leaving me lying to my dc about why.
I wasn't someone who ever disliked alcohol - he has made me absolutely hate it.

He binge drinks twice a week to the point he’s losing his job

This is what I keep thinking - better now than down the line. It's just so hard to go through with it because every time I try he's full of promises and I know he does want a different life, he just can't do it.

And to add to my above comment - I can't go a single day without hearing about it. How well he's doing, how bad he's doing, how it's on his mind today, but he's going to try to resist, or how he knows he can't, how much he wants to change, how long he's going to try to go until his next drink (yet nothing actually changes). And not to mention how I have struggled on my own raising his child who has never slept through a single night, while he is drinking multiple times a week then suffering hangovers and can't offer any help.

Child of an alcoholic here.

I get that you may want things to be better, but theyre not and he shows no sign of changing. What are you waiting for?

If you could stop someone being an alcoholic by being with them there wouldn't be any. His drinking will dominate your and your child's life.

I would continue to try and support him as coparents but not at the expense of your happiness or energy.

“every time I try he's full of promises”

And he will continue to be so, for as long as you’re prepared to listen to him. OP, you and your DC deserve a better life than this. There’s also the fact that as your DC get older, he will try to both downplay his drinking, and get your DC to join in, because drunks love company. It is a sad fact that alcoholism can run in families, so I’d be super-vigilant with your DC, and honest about how their DF and DUncle have ruined their lives through the pernicious abuse of alcohol. Sadly, OP, you need to separate from this man if you and your DC are to have any hope of a normal life. Yes, he’s still their father, but he will let them down and when older, your DC will wonder why you subjected them to it.

I think this is one of those situations where you need to put your own lifejacket on first. Don't hang on to the few occasions where he's fun to be around, thinking he's going to change any time soon and be a present father and partner. If the prospect of losing his family and his job isn't a big enough incentive to put down the bottle, it sounds like he has a way to go before (if) he hits his rock bottom.

As far as contact with your son goes, it doesn't sound like he's in a position to look after him on his own. I would plan activities (don't have to be expensive or fancy, could just be an hour at the park) and invite his Dad. Be matter of fact, he may be there, if he isn't we'll still go and have a good time. Don't get into the habit of making excuses for him as to why he isn't there. Keep the responses along the lines of 'I'm not sure why he couldn't make it, we can ask him next time we see him' and move the conversation back towards whatever it is you're doing at the time.

He misses work and loses jobs because of it

You should go put a post on the "support group for those affected by someone else's drinking" on this board. A very supportive bunch. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Personally, as the child of an alcoholic, I think you should end the relationship and get some more peace in your life. Things will likely only get worse if/when he loses his job and has no reason to only drink a few times a week.

Many alcoholics have to hit rock bottom to get the motivation to change (and even then the majority don’t). Unfortunately it’s likely that losing his job etc needs to happen for him to engage with the process. Perhaps, also, losing you…

Hi OP,

Have a look at The Sinclair Method. I have just started about a week ago and have gone from a bottle of wine a night to one glass per night, and that's mainly out of habit rather than the desire to drink.

The medication takes away the enjoyment from drinking. I feel so much better and really optimistic. No willpower required really.

https://www.sinclairmethoduk.com/what-is-the-sinclair-method.htm

Op I am sorry you are going through this.
Please go to Al Anon - meetings are held all around the country and online.
You will get help and support from people who are going through/ have been through the same.
You didn’t cause it
You can’t cure it
You can’t control it.

I would end the relationship and only let him see your ds when supervised. I think you will feel much better after ending it , after the initial stress. You won't have the constant worry about what he is doing or might do. You can then talk to your dc when older about his dad's illness. If he changes in the future then great, but I wouldn't dwell on that yet.

This isn’t the OPs job - and your post to me is quite telling.

Her priorities are to herself and her two DCs.

@38thparallel- you need support for YOURSELF which will support you ‘detaching with love’ from this man. He has an entrenched longterm issue that is more than his units and pattern of drinking. He is also addicted to gambling, about to lose his job and lives in an alcoholic environment.

His ‘promises’ are actually lies - they are part of the addiction compulsive / impulsive cycle - where he throws you a bone to future fake you to keep you trapped in your inadvertent enabling role.

We all only have a finite amount of headspace, emotional energy and time - as parents we need to conserve this and keep it positive to prioritise for our parenting interactions.

Currently your finite headspace, emotional energy and time is being both polluted and drained by him - and the residual is the version your DCs are getting from you. Your DC has only one effective and emotionally available parent - you - and even this is being diminished by being involved with this guy’s ongoing deterioration.

Your DCs will sense, absorb and internalise your distress and absence and they will not get the focused emotional development from you that they need.

You need to cut him and his issues out of your life and prioritise the finite time, energy, headspace you have as a mother to support your DC who already has been dealt a terrible had in life (which as you have identified is only going to get worse) with having only half the parents needed.

Look to Al Anon to support you.

Im so sorry OP. He is an addict and he loves his addiction more than anything currently. More than you, more even than his son. I know it is easy to write this on an anonymous board and that this is your real life, but you must leave him. You deserve a real partner and your son deserves protection from an addict. I’m sorry to say currently, honestly, you are part of the problem.

I would offer access to your son only when he has kicked his addiction. Not just when he is sober between bouts. You are not doing you son any favours exposing him to an addict. He will learn to be let down and deprioritised by those he should be able to rely on. If your partner doesn’t like it, he can take you to court - or get sober. You can’t change him, only change your own behaviour, which you should do for your son’s sake. Tell him then stop all contact.

I just want to thank everyone for your posts, sorry I'm not replying but I am taking them all in.

I have contacted ai anon in the past, but the lady I initially spoke to seemed more sympathetic towards him than what I'm feeling, referring to it as an illness (which I know it is) and talking about me supporting him. It wasn't what I was looking for, as @Ballyhooosaid above, it's not on me to continue supporting him and living with it all. I have spent a lot of time and effort trying to do that, seeking the right resources and pushing him to engage - I've kind of given up now. I feel like I'm just in limbo now, I've waited to see if the help would change him, and it hasn't. I think I'm just slowly trying to figure out how to walk away, but occasionally I get pulled back in with his 'future faking' and love bombing (I'm trying to work out if he really is that great in between the drinking or if it's just love bombing).

Agree with posters about ending the relationship. I am planning to divorce my husband after 32 years due to his alcoholism. His drinking has got worse and worse over the years and my biggest regret is the impact on my now adult kids. However, despite a history of alcoholism in his family (mother and 2 brothers) my kids drink very little, as they see what happens when it gets out of control, so it's not inevitable your kids will have a drink problem.
It does help to talk to friends about the situation, don't bottle it up , or try alanon.
Wishing you all the best.

What on earth do you mean?

Telling of what?

I offered a potential solution that has helped me so far after decades of struggle that has impacted me and my family, including children. I'm not saying it's on the OP to sort things out for him but I'm not talking to the husband, am I?

And even if she detaches herself from him his alcoholism will always impact her and her children. Fixing the problem, if possible, would be a good thing all round, no?

I don't want my toddler growing up with the reputation of having an alcoholic father

In that case, why did you have a DC with this man? You've known all along that he's an alcoholic, yet you still had a DC with him!

No, I haven't known all along. I mentioned in my OP that he lies to me about things he doesn't want me knowing, and he didn't exactly introduce himself as an alcoholic. It took a long time for me to find out/realise. By the time I did, I had too much love/empathy for him and his childhood, and wanted to help.

There is a very sensitive backstory to me getting pregnant, which I'm not willing to share.
But I did end it with him while I was pregnant - we weren't together for most of the pregnancy. I then let him be at the birth and I probably shouldn't have done as spiralled from there really amidst the excitement and bond of having a baby. I've pushed and pushed him to seek help ever since, believing he'd change for the baby, but I am finally accepting it probably won't ever change.

You don't understand the issue? He can't go to work and is about to lose his job. His father died early due to alcoholism. His brother is an alcoholic too. He lets the OP and more importantly, her children down at the drop of a hat due to his drinking habits. Not sure what's not to understand.
drink..

@incidentallyok I get what people are saying re the support the original poster needs but want to say thank you in any case for your reply. I had never heard of the Sinclair method and have just signed up.