What's the best thing to do? Dp alcohol problem

[wwhn]

I'm looking for advice please for what to do in my current situation. Sorry it's so long.

My dp has a drink problem. We share a toddler but don't live together as I also have an older child and won't let him live with us until he's changed.
He's not a nasty drunk, he's actually lovely when drunk, but I can't/won't have it around my kids.
He doesn't drink every day, it's usually every 3 days. He lives with his brother, who also has issues with alcohol, and their dad was an alcoholic who died relatively young. Dp blames his alcohol issues on his environment, which I do understand, but also think it's an excuse, as he was receiving help for his addictions a decade before we even met, so they are long standing.
He's about to lose his job due to all the time off from drinking in the week. Somehow he's managed to blag it so far so they've given him a month to prove himself - he's had 2 days off just since the meeting last week. I have no hopes at all for him keeping his job.
I don't know what to do moving forwards. So many times, I've tried to end it with him as I don't want it in my life. I don't want to be with an alcoholic and I don't want my toddler growing up with the reputation of having an alcoholic father. I also really worry about the future of my ds, will he have mental health issues if his dad has alcohol issues, even if it's not around him? What if dp dies from an alcohol related issue and my son has to deal with the grief of that? What is alcohol is normalised to him and he ends up the same way? All of these things have happened to dp and his brother, although they obviously lived with it with their dad. If my son doesn't live with it, will he be shielded? or have the same issues? I have so many worries.

And myself, as I said, I don't want to be with someone who has alcohol issues. Every time he drinks, I feel let down and deflated. There's so many promises and hopes which are continuously broken. It's a never ending cycle. He is supposedly seeking help, but in all honesty, I think it's been a couple of months since he went to a meeting, and even when he was attending, nothing was changing. He actually drank after every single meeting. Whenever he's drank, I'm let down the next day. Any plans are off. Any help with the toddler is off. My older child is let down when plans don't go through, and I find myself having to make excuses (tired from work etc). The only saving grace is that he doesn't live with us so the kids are unaffected by the drinking itself, but are still feeling the effects of being let down. I worry this will be far worse for my ds as he gets older and understands that his dad is letting him down and cause issues within himself.

Due to all of this, I am a single parent, despite technically being in a relationship with him. I
am a single parent, and have been throughout.
But in between the drinking and hangovers and worries, there are good times and he is good to us, so I don't know how to end it. I prefer being together when things are okay than not being together. But i don't want to live with the ups and downs forever.
And I worry about how things would work with him seeing ds if we broke up for good, atm at least things are on my terms and I know what's what. I know he'd never drink around my ds but I wouldn't feel comfortable not knowing where they are and who with etc. He lies to me about anything he doesn't want me knowing, so I couldn't trust him.

I'm sorry this had ended up being so long. Thank you if you've read it all. I think I'm looking for a bit of understanding, some advice and some answers to my worries about the future. Or a therapist 😂

Thanks! They'll give you all the info and support but just beware of the initial side effects that can be a bit unpleasant. Don't be discouraged! I'm still on only 1/2 tablet a day. Last week when I started I was weepy and anxious, but it seems to have lifted after about a week and I feel good now and ready to move up to a whole tablet.

I really hope it helps you too!

@wwhn "He drinks to excess 2-3 times a week, gambles, can't hold down a job, lets us all down - leaving me lying to my dc about why."

Just stop for a moment and re-read what you've written above OP. I was married to a alcoholic for 26 years. It killed him at age 47 in the end and it wasn't a pretty death. Don't waste your life (like I did) hoping he'll change. He won't. He'll lie through his teeth about everything. The most important thing in his life is where the next bottle is coming from, and that's it. You need to understand that. Eventually you'll be so confused and in such a mess you won't know what's real or not. In fact you will almost lose your sanity, as well as your dignity. Walk away OP.

@wwhn im so sorry. It sounds exhausting.
you’re a single parent, you’ve got this. Make the decision to end it and stick to it.
you deserve so much more.

You need to detach yourself from his alcoholism ; stop expecting anything from him , if he chooses to drink don’t see it as him not choosing you or the kids , don’t suggest any sort of remedial therapy or engage in conversations with promises etc

I've seen this before in our wider family with a relative who is an alcoholic and could also turn violent with it. I know you haven't mentioned violence, but even so, the problems and the letdowns never end and the person cannot be relied upon at all.

Our family member lost their home and access to their young child because of their drinking. They lost parental responsibility and all contact with said child.

I think you should consider ending the relationship permanently. Take legal advice on how/if you should even consider co-parenting with this man. Maybe supervised contact only in a contact centre, or try for none at all if you can.

If you separate then for at least some of the time you are shielding your child as much as it is possible to do so. That is the best you can do.

“I don’t want my toddler growing up with the reputation of having an alcoholic father”

Honestly that’s the very least of your worries and it concerns me that you are not aware of the significant damage done to emotional development which often leaves a child with anxieties and behavioural issues that can develop into chronic long term MH issues once a teenager. Have a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families website - they have so much resources, support and information.

You are lucky to have posted at this crossroads and got given an almost unanimous direction to detach for the safety of your DC. I hope that all the headspace, time and emotional energy wasted (and inadvertently enabling) on him can be turned back on yourself and reinvested in your children. I’m sad Al Anon didn’t do it for you - but where ever you choose to inform yourself please focus on the impact of an addict parent and a Co-dependent parent on the emotional wellbeing of children - this generation of children have a tough road ahead and need to be informed and protected.

It won’t be easy to resist his begging / promising / lying / health scares / crisis etc - but you will learn that you are the last person who should be stepping in to rescue him - as it’s counterproductive and robs your DC of the reduced parental time, energy and headspace from their one reliable parent. This won’t be easy to finish the relationship, to manage the detached relationship in the longterm - so you really need peer / professional support. Best of luck to you and remember that you will be giving your DCs a lifelong gift of better emotional and MH prospects to lift them out of this chaos.

https://www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/