At the end of my tether

[Littlewhitedaisy]

Looking for advice, experience, anything really.
My dh of 20 years, 3 dc together, is an alcoholic. For a very long time, years, I’ve tried everything to get him to stop and see the damage he is doing to himself and us, I’ve reasoned, shouted, cried, ignored, given him space, been supportive and showed him how it is when he’s sober is better, but it’s always met with being turned on me, that I nag, he’s doing nothing wrong, not hurting anyone and so on, to shut up and fuck off etc. He replies with how much money he earns. We walk on eggshells wondering when he’ll come in, if he’s in a good mood or argumentative, if he’ll just fall asleep then go back out. He isn’t helping at all around the house or with parenting, spends more we can afford and just makes excuses to go to the pub instead of being at home and present. He’s in trouble at work, and doing things like drink driving, leaving our disabled child home alone and so on.
My nerves are shot to pieces with not being able to trust him anymore, and my older daughter sees and hates it.
Now- here it is. Despite denying how much he drinks, or that he has a problem, he is very unwell now with an illness he has been admitted to hospital for. During the admission he has detoxed, been found to have serious liver damage, possibly alcohol related brain damage due to encephalopathy and been given lots of the appropriate medication.
I don’t want to deal with it, it’s too much, and he’s still not admitted he has a problem. But it’s not fair for him to come home, and me try to help him when I’m broken by all of this. I’m struggling, but my priority is the welfare of my children and myself.
What do I do? Am I wrong to not want him home? I’ll help him, but he can’t come home surely? How do I find him somewhere to go ? I want to stay in our house but what steps do I take?

You're absolutely right that your priority is the welfare of your DC. I guess he comes home but you tell him you're done and start the process of separating.

I feel like I’m abandoning him just when he needs me the most. But he’s not exactly been doing the right things by us has he, and I don’t think I can take it anymore, I definitely don’t want my children to be around this or suffering, they must be.

Am I doing the right thing in making him go? I know I am really but it’s hard.

You are well within your rights to want to separate but you can’t make him leave his home (if it is also his home).

No. It is also his home, but at what point do the needs of the children come into it? There are lots of people who split up , and one person, usually the man if I’m honest, does move out. How does that happen?

I can’t move out, my dc has specialist equipment here and it’s set up for her needs

This is so sad to read. I grew up with an alcoholic father and my mum spent years trying to get him to stop drinking. I left home when I was 18, he died when I was 34. I’m 44 now and still resent my mother for not protecting us from his alcoholism. Please leave him.

Sometimes it's fairly straightforward, sometimes it's more of a fight. It might help, before you talk to him, to get an idea of how you want the finances sorted. Is there enough between you for you to stay in the house with the DC and him to have a small place to live?

Another thing which will help is reframing this in your mind. You are actually doing the best thing for him by protecting your DC and yourself. He has his best chance of facing up to the problem this way. That is secondary of course to the main reason for separating, which is your DC. You are protecting them from further damage by his actions.

Thank you, all. My brains are scrambled and my heart is broken, knowing it didn’t need to be like this, he’s had so many chances to stop, but just hasn’t. He has so many good points but the alcohol has stripped everything away. We all deserve better, I just didn’t want it to come to this. Now it has, but I don’t think he realises yet, I think he thinks I’ll just roll over and accept this latest mess. I genuinely don’t think he’s ready to stop but I’ve hit my limits. I want my home to be a safe and happy place and to just look after myself and the children in every way. He needs to take responsibility now for the consequences of his choices.
His df is an a care home, so there is an empty house he could move into with a few tweaks, at least for now.

It’s almost like I’ve just been a front for years. He gets to drink and behave he wants while I provide the image of a happy and successful family man by working hard to fill the gaps, raise the children, be the safety net, and generally make it right for everyone.

@cookie232 I’m sorry that you had that experience. My daughter doesn’t want to see him, or for him to return home because of this, and I want them to know I put them first always, because he doesn’t,

When is he due to be discharged? I’d go to the hospital tomorrow if you can, and tell him that once he’s discharged, you’ll be taking him to his DF’s house.

I wish you all the strength in the world. You deserve happiness and peace in your own home. You’ve done more than enough, and now it’s time to put yourself first.

Hello, do come and join us on the support thread for people with alcoholic loved ones:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

you will find a lot of support here - people who have left their addicted spouses, people in the process of leaving, people who haven’t decided yet but need support