If I tell the school DH is an alcoholic, will they tell SS?

[LavenderFieldds]

I’ve just discovered DH is an alcoholic. He’s always liked a drink, but I’ve found out he’s been concealing alcohol at his workplace (self-employed sole trader) and in his shed. He’s broadly functional on a day to day basis, but it explains a lot, including why he’s constantly broke. He has no interest in stopping, so I’ll be starting divorce proceedings. I’d like to tell the (primary) school as both DCs adore him and will be devastated, but I’m worried they’ll tell SS. For now I could just tell the school we’re divorcing. I won’t be telling DCs for a few weeks until things are settled with where he’s going to live etc. Fwiw I don’t drink regularly and will now be going teetotal as the DCs need an alcohol free role model. Bah. It’s such a mess. We walk to school and he walks to work, so no over limit issues.

I think it’s always best to inform school of any big issues in a child’s life so they can be prepared to support if needed. If school notice any behavioural changes it can be useful to be aware what is possibly causing it.

We wouldn’t automatically do any referrals from what you had said, we would record it on the school monitoring system and ensure key staff who needed to know where aware and that would be it.

Why do you need to tell school?
Unless the dc are in any danger from him, all they need to know is that you are divorcing so the dc may need support or be upset from time to time.

I would personally tell the school. You’re initiating divorce proceedings so, even in the event they did inform Social Services, you’re already taking the necessary steps to prioritise your children’s safety. If you were staying, that would be a different matter.

Why would you tell the school he’s an alcoholic? That’s his private information and they don’t expect to know.

I suppose you could inform school you will be going through a separation. But to give them the reasons behind it , It's not necessary. unless your kids are in danger. But you would safeguard them anyway .

Id tell them if I was worried they'd call him and expect him to take a sick child home and be able to look after that child. Would you trust him to do that?

Id tell them about the divorce but not the alcoholism. Unless you think he’s a danger to the children, of course.

No, I wouldn't tell the school that. The separation yes. I think they could regard it as a bit spiteful. Its private information

I wouldn't. I think it's a personal issue and nobody needs know your reason for separation.

The separation is important to tell school. The alcholism is slightly different in some ways. Does he ever collect? They would be cautious to allow the children to go home with someone who is drunk. This would include if they need collecting during the day, illness etc. If you think this is a problem then you'd need to let the school know so they can change the order of emergency contacts.
SS would only be contacted if the children are in danger. Are there any times when you think he would endanger them? Ie taking them to a club/looking after them alone when drunk?
That's what they'd be interested in. They'd want to work with you to help protect the children.

Hope you're ok. What a horrible situation to be in.

No don’t tell them. If you were divorcing because you discovered he was a cross-dresser or because he’d cheated for example, you wouldn’t tell them (I presume)? Also they may take it that you’re telling them because it’s relevant to his capabilities as a parent ie: he’s neglectful/abusive as a result of the alcohol. In other words, they may think you’re crying out to them for help….
In any case, it’s not your info to share, really.

Your H sounds like my Dad. He was a ‘functioning alcoholic’ who hid bottles of spirits - I often found them whilst looking for things. He ‘functioned’ like this for decades until finally succumbing to Heart Disease (which turned into heart failure) as a direct result of the alcohol and my mum wishes she hadn’t stuck by him. Well done for doing what I wish my mum had done when we were kids!

I would tell their class teachers that you are getting divorced and when you’ve told the children, because they will be better placed to keep an eye on them and provide support if necessary. I wouldn’t tell them he’s an alcoholic, unless his drinking reaches the point where your children are actually witnessing frightening or upsetting behaviour from him (and I really hope that doesn’t happen).

I think you should tell the school as this will likely have an affect on the DCs at school. It is important that school understand what they are going through. The school don't need to tell social services just because a child's parent separates. There is nothing that social services would be interested in, or that school would even bother telling them, just cause parents are separated. They would only tell social services if they felt your DCs were at real risk. I imagine in your case this would only be if your ex fights for part custody of the children and then he was dropping them to school drunk or abusing them while drunk or something. In this case, I would imagine SS involvement could be helpful for you in showing your ex was neglectful or abusive and you needed full custody.

As a teacher, I'd expect a parent to tell me that they're divorcing. But if they brought the reason for the split into it* I'd feel very uncomfortable and be concerned that they're trying to involve me and get me on-side, or that they might quote and use anything I said.

*Though obviously if there was a level of abuse and concerns about the other partner and the safety of the children, it might be different.

I told the school that my ex was an alcoholic. I kept it very factual. They will have logged it on their safeguarding system as a note. I would tell the school so they know for instance, if he picked them up from school and was driving to ensure that he was sober. It won't go to social services but will be flagged.

And good luck with your future plans - wish I had made that decision earlier and not waited so long.

And by the way, I would say don't go fully tee total just as a model. I actually think it's healthier to show a healthy / normal drinker (so a glass of wine every now and again) rather than totally tee total because that is a better model than nothing or alcoholic as your two options. Obviously if you want to be tee total then do!

What do you want the school to do with that information?

The information would be logged by the school on CPOMS. It doesn't mean the school would refer the fact your children's Dad is an alcoholic to SS, unless they believed or you believed he is a danger to them. Does your husband drop off or pick up the children from school? The school may want to make sure your husband is sober, before allowing the children to be collected by him.

You definitely need to tell the class teacher that you are seeking a divorce from your husband but at present the children aren't aware. You then need to make sure you advise the school, once they are aware. Your children's behaviour may change and they could possibly need extra emotional support at school.

I’d rather not tell them, he’s never visibly drunk and I don’t have any reason to think he’s a danger to the children. I just didn’t want it to be seen as me hiding things if it came out later. I’ll proceed with telling them about separation and see how we go from there. And good advice @eish about modelling healthy drinking.

Firstly I’m so sorry you’re in this position

I used to work on a school reception and I would always say honesty is the best policy here. What if you start divorce proceedings and then he doesn’t take it well and turns up at school drunk and they then have to call the police and you’ve only given them half the story. It might be sort of under control but during divorce - anything is possible, and even people without an alcohol issue can act irrationally.

In doubt they’d report to SS unless he was an immediate danger but I think if it was me then I would tell them.

Is he left unsupervised with the dc?

This is exactly what I was worried about. It’s not something I’d have thought he’d do but I also never imagined I’d end up married to a drinker.

I don’t really get this. If he turned up at school from what (real) difference would it make to have the full story in advance?

this has vibes of “school must know everything for vague reason” when they don’t need to at all.

Why the fuck would you tell school he's an alcoholic? Has he has a formal diagnosis? Is the doctor involved? Rehab?