If I tell the school DH is an alcoholic, will they tell SS?

[LavenderFieldds]

I’ve just discovered DH is an alcoholic. He’s always liked a drink, but I’ve found out he’s been concealing alcohol at his workplace (self-employed sole trader) and in his shed. He’s broadly functional on a day to day basis, but it explains a lot, including why he’s constantly broke. He has no interest in stopping, so I’ll be starting divorce proceedings. I’d like to tell the (primary) school as both DCs adore him and will be devastated, but I’m worried they’ll tell SS. For now I could just tell the school we’re divorcing. I won’t be telling DCs for a few weeks until things are settled with where he’s going to live etc. Fwiw I don’t drink regularly and will now be going teetotal as the DCs need an alcohol free role model. Bah. It’s such a mess. We walk to school and he walks to work, so no over limit issues.

and this fear you’ll be in trouble later if your don’t tell them- they’re only a school! You’re not obliged to tell them everything going on in your life. Don’t be frightened by some imaginary future consequence

To be aware of a potential issue gives the school a chance to put a plan in place “in the event of”
if you then want their support they will work with you but honesty is always key and being kept in the loop

It’s not about being afraid
it’s about making them aware that a potential situation could happen owing to the alcoholism, and then they can be aware, support the kids and have a plan in place.

I dealt with all sorts of situations and sometimes we had a heads up and sometimes we were didn’t. It’s not a case of them “having to know everything” it’s a case of making sure they can best support you. The school I worked in were absolutely fantastic but they promoted an open and honest and transparent relationship between parents/carers and the school and very much had the ethos of working together for the best possible outcome.

And “they’re only a school” until people tip up wanting help!

The school should be able to deal with a drunk parent without needing the benefit of advance notice.

Hopefully nothing comes up but I would honestly give them a heads up x

Not drinking is healthier than drinking moderately, drinking moderately is healthier than drinking heavily. There's obviously a large number of drinkers of all amounts in the UK but not drinking is in the range of normal.

If he is not a danger and no chance of driving under influence there’s no need
plopped device due to sexual issues affair and that does not need discussing

you may want to tell them so you and kids can get referred to specific support like Alanon

no risk to kids = no SS referral

Does he drink and drive? Is he likely to be called to pick up the kids from school. If yes, I would notify them so they do not release the kids to somebody who potentially will drink and drive with the kids in the car. Otherwise, if no other risk, I would tell them.

I’m not sure that the school can do anything to help with the father being an alcoholic. However, saying it is private information is ludicrous. This information is as much the wife and children’s as it is the alcoholic’s. This is their lived experience and they are allowed to scream it from the rooftops if they choose.

if social services does become involved, I would treat this as a positive. Having an official paper trail of his behavior will help you protect the children from him. Right now all you have is your word.

I’ve been the child here. There should be no shame. The victims have done nothing wrong.

Whatever decisions you make, prioritize your children.

you are me

I told the school 2yrs ago after I kicked him out as couldn’t handle his drinking anymore

I knew it would be a safe guarding issue if I didn’t tell them and dc said daddy doesn’t live here anymore due to drinking - or daddy drinks vodka etc

so I told school. The pastural care officer. She was lovely and supportive

many chats and tears I’ve had in her office

the school keeps an eye on dc and if she needs to chat to anyone she can

and no they won’t tell ss if no need to

as in if he doesn’t live with you anymore etc so no risk

2yrs on he still drinks so if your dh is th same you need to be careful if they see him at his alone / will be drink /be sober

Ps come a join us here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Thanks all. I’m initially going to tell the school that we’re separating, then I’ll take it day by day on the alcohol front and see whether it’s something I need to bring up. I haven’t told him yet that I’m divorcing him, I’m busy getting my ducks in a row, so I’ll have to take a view after I’ve seen how he reacts. Fortunately the school are wonderful, with a fantastic head, so I know I can talk to them if it comes to it.

I’m also approaching this with an eye to future custody issues, although he avoids having them whenever he can now, so I can’t imagine he’ll be fighting for 50/50.

But who knows what a vindictive alcoholic might do.

I would really mention to school why as they can help you and again if your dc are anything like my child - then they are very aware of the drinking and wasn’t till I told dh to go - that she told me that she would go and say night to him and he was glugging from a bottle of vodka - or would quickly hide behind cushion and say don’t tell mummy - she was 6 !!!

if you are honest and tell kids why divorcing they will say to friends /teachers in an innocent way - so do tell them as it is a safe guarding issue