How to help my husband - and me!

[Honey2]

Sorry for the long post…

My husband is struggling with dependence on alcohol. He doesn’t drink really excessive amounts (around 20 units per week) it’s more he feels he doesn’t have control over drinking and he drinks in secret (ie will slip into the utility room where we keep the gin etc and drink several big shots straight from the bottle )
I know when he has done this as he will begin to have slurred speech or (most common) he will fall asleep literally over his dinner at 6/7pm

He is having biweekly 1:1 meetings with a support worker but honestly it’s been 3 months and he will say himself he doesn’t see how it’s helping.

I am finding it really hard to A) know how to help him b) not get really frustrated as to my eyes he knows he has a problems and tells me he wants to make a change, but I can’t see him putting the effort in to actually make the change. Yes he goes to the meeting but what’s the point if it’s not having ANY impact?

there is obviously a big back story (childhood abuse, resulting in Anxiety and periods of depression through his life etc..) alongside a stressful public sector job he commutes an hour each way to. All adding to his desire to drink to feel better. I know this is the underlying cause and the 1:1 meets are not really designed to address that I guess??

im worried about the kids - they think it’s funny at the moment when he falls asleep in his dinner. It won’t be long before they start asking why.

Im really struggling to know how to help, and how to cope in this relationship. He isn’t the man I fell in love with 20 years ago.

If he is falling asleep over dinner, it's a problem.
OP, I don't have any wise words of advice, apart from going to Al-Anon UK (for yourself) for support and getting rid of all the alcohol in the house, so it's not in easy reach.

The first and easiest step is to get rid of the alcohol in the house, if its not there then he can’t easily get it when he wants it and sometimes even just putting that barrier in place really helps in the same way that not having chocolate in the cupboard helps with a diet.

I’d start looking at the underlying causes though, what can be done to make those better? Different job, some targeted therapy to deal with previous trauma etc. There comes a point where without dealing with the triggers all you can ever do is put a plaster on a gaping wound and long term its never enough.

Thanks both. Do you think the only way is to stop drinking completely? At the moment he wants to try and reduce - not stop completely. It’s clearly not working. Even if we did have an alcohol free house I know he would just stop at shop on his drive home.

20 units a week and he's falling asleep into his dinner?

I think it must be more units than that...

He probably is the same man you fell in love with it’s just the mask he has forced himself to wear has slipped and he’s replaced it with alcohol, the alcoholism is symptomatic of this problems. What are his 1:1 sessions trying to address? What different therapies has he tried to address his childhood trauma?

Dealing with trauma often needs a mixture of physical, mental and spiritual )whatever that means to the individual) to address it. The spiritual may be seen as something locked inside the unconscious or something more “divine”

The book “The Body Keeps the Score” is a good place to start re trauma

I would say so yes. He is not capable of moderating and so the answer is to stop completely. Zero is a far easier like to draw, rather than “just a couple” which once you’ve had that couple inevitably leads to more.

Absolutely not. If he's sneaking off and shotting large amounts then there's no alcohol to be in the house. If he wanted to just cut down he would have done it by now. You know he's an alcoholic and he's dependant no matter what excuses he tells you.
No alcohol in the house, or the other option is to leave.

He’s an alcoholic and needs to stop completely. He needs to deal with the issues he’s using alcohol to hide from. But it needs to come from him.

That's what stood out to me, too. I find it very hard to believe that he's being that badly affected by such a relatively small amount of alcohol. I'm a bloke and in the past I've certainly drunk more than 20 units in a single night out and still easily managed to stay awake to have a curry. I'm not saying that was good, but I'm just trying to give some context.

@Honey2 I think you need to consider that what he says he's drinking is substantially less than what he's actually drinking. Which leads to the question where is he drinking the rest? Before he gets in the car to drive home?

I remember with my alcoholic ex I'd be puzzled why sometimes she could stick a lot away with no major impact, and others she would seem to get very drunk, very quickly when she'd only had a couple of glasses of wine. It took me way too long for the penny to drop that when she got drunk after only a few glasses were the times she'd already downed a bottle of vodka in secret.

You didn’t cause this and you can’t cure it.

He is an alcoholic, and he will only stop when and if he wants to. I would advise you to get out now before your children become damaged from living with him.

Absolutely this. He's lying to you, Op.

He doesn't want to stop drinking and you can't make him. He's an alcoholic drinking way more than 20 units a week

If he would attend AA that might help him, but he needs to want to stop

@AutumnAllTheWay I know I don’t understand it… last night he had 1 and half cans of strong (6.5%) beer and was slurring, confused and fell asleep at the table. I know it sounds like he’s lying but honestly I think that’s genuinely what he had. (At the moment we don’t have anything else in the house).
do you think there is a deeper medical issue?? He is on sertraline for Anxiety so not sure if that reacts.

Also this.

20 units a week so less than 3 units per day. Even of gin that’s less than 3 25ml shots. I’m not a big drinker, have spent most of the last 2.5 years pregnant so not drank at all obviously during my pregnancies, I had 2 double gins a few weeks ago and barely felt tipsy nevermind drunk enough to fall asleep over dinner so someone drinking every day certainly isn’t.

20 units a week is 3 a day ( near enough). There’s no way he’s falling asleep after drinking so little. But then you say he necks it straight from the bottle, so I think you are both in denial. Going to the counsellor makes it look like he’s doing something and keeps you off his back.
He’s an addict and always will be, he needs to stop drinking. Then stop again and again when he falls off the wagon again and again.

But he'll have spirits hidden somewhere

OP, I don't mean this horribly but come on.. you need to stop the naivety here. It's an alcoholic and needs to be tee total. Or you need to leave.

Wow! thanks for taking the time to read and comment but I am no where near this…. I want to help him sort this out and I believe he can. We have 4 children and I love him!

Check his car/ the garage/ shed for bottles.

But you can't help him unless he wants help. And he wants to keep drinking and doesn't listen to the help he has now

Respectfully, I think you're quite naive

Either deeper medical issues or much more likely a secret stash of alcohol.

He is an alcoholic who is lying to you and he doesn’t want to admit it or stop drinking. Read up on the impact of living with an alcoholic parent and go to al anon yourself.

Unfortunately OP there comes a point when you have to choose between loving your husband and loving your children. He’s falling asleep drunk at the dinner table regularly… you are at that point now. Your children deserve better.

And he doesn’t even love you more than he loves alcohol at the moment, so you do need to put your children first.

This.

My BIL is an addict, swore he was done with it. We are NC contact now after years of doing everything possible to help and promises he was trying. The last time he was taken to hospital 41 empty vodka bottles were found under his bed, he had said he had stopped drinking, more fool us.

Yes I know he has kept Alcohol in all of those places.

It Probably is more than 20 units. But he isn’t drinking (to the point I can see it obviously) everyday. Maybe once a week when he gets home after work.

Just humour me for a moment - if he really is only drinking 2 cans of strong beer and appearing drunk could it be a medical issue as well?
He has sleep apnea and wears a CPAP mask to sleep so tiredness comes with the territory for him.

This is coming from direct personal experience, growing up with an alcoholic is traumatic as fuck and has caused life long issues. Please be aware of this. It is not good for children to be around a guy slurring and falling asleep at the table. It damages kids more than you'll realise. I don't mean to be blunt but please consider putting these kids first over your 'love' for your husband.