How to help my husband - and me!

[Honey2]

Sorry for the long post…

My husband is struggling with dependence on alcohol. He doesn’t drink really excessive amounts (around 20 units per week) it’s more he feels he doesn’t have control over drinking and he drinks in secret (ie will slip into the utility room where we keep the gin etc and drink several big shots straight from the bottle )
I know when he has done this as he will begin to have slurred speech or (most common) he will fall asleep literally over his dinner at 6/7pm

He is having biweekly 1:1 meetings with a support worker but honestly it’s been 3 months and he will say himself he doesn’t see how it’s helping.

I am finding it really hard to A) know how to help him b) not get really frustrated as to my eyes he knows he has a problems and tells me he wants to make a change, but I can’t see him putting the effort in to actually make the change. Yes he goes to the meeting but what’s the point if it’s not having ANY impact?

there is obviously a big back story (childhood abuse, resulting in Anxiety and periods of depression through his life etc..) alongside a stressful public sector job he commutes an hour each way to. All adding to his desire to drink to feel better. I know this is the underlying cause and the 1:1 meets are not really designed to address that I guess??

im worried about the kids - they think it’s funny at the moment when he falls asleep in his dinner. It won’t be long before they start asking why.

Im really struggling to know how to help, and how to cope in this relationship. He isn’t the man I fell in love with 20 years ago.

Same. I mentioned it up thread.

I'm sorry OP but he will be drinking. There's no way he's falling asleep at the table and slurring from drinking once a week.
I don't know if I'm seeing this because of my experiences but I struggle to believe this thread is real. You cannot be that naive.

He is drinking more than you think. There needs to be absolutely no access to alcohol in the house. It really is all or nothing otherwise where is the line and how does he stick to it.

This is more serious than you think and he needs to seek proper help quickly. Tinkering around the edges will not work here.

For everyone saying he is an Alcoholic and will never change and I need to just leave him. really??
Doesnt he deserve a chance and support to get sorted?

He has made the first step. Even if there is no obvious change (to me) after 3 months. I’ve not got massive confidence 30 mins of advice every other week from a local charity is really the right support for him.

I feel he should be allowed to try some other avenues before I threaten to leave. I know sorting the underlying cause is really the right approach

:(

You cannot 'save' him. What if threatening to leave kicks him up the arse?

Please, please don't underestimate how damaging it is for a kid to grow up with an alcoholic lying and concealing parent. Let alone 4 kids.

He's had 3 months and is still drinking. Remove every last drop of alcohol from the house today. Check the places where he'd hide it. If you're going to stick around and enable this at least take the alcohol away that you know is there.

I don't mean to be harsh OP I really don't. But this shit is serious and traumatic for kids to see.

No OP. Please get your head out of the sand. It's not about "humouring you".

He is drinking in secret (you already know this). Please stop pretending it's some other made up medical condition.

My ex was an alcoholic, as is one of our best friends. They hide bottles everywhere and would deny it until they were blue in the face. Our friend used to buy a bottle of wine / cider on the supermarket shop, drink it in the car on the way home, throw the bottle in a bin somewhere down the road and then come home and open a beer claiming it was his first one.

This is what alcoholics do.

The kids haven’t noticed the slurring. It’s not really obvious, I can tell as I’m looking for it. The falling aleep they put down to tiredness from work (which it partly is).
please dont perceive I’m blindly dedicated to my husband. I love him but I also hate him for this and fine it very difficult to be ‘in love’ with the man he has become. I also love my children fiercely. I am watching closely for signs they are troubled by his.

Look thanks for your help and yep, you spelled it out clear. I am being Naive to think he was genuinely telling the truth on his amount of drinking.

I will remove all alcohol from the house.

other than advice to ‘leave him’.. What is your advice on the best Alchol services to acess alongside the obvious need to fix the underlying cause through counclling?

Op, I am sorry you are going through this.
As pp have said, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
Your dh is drinking a great deal more than he lets on - that, unfortunately, is classic alcoholic behaviour.
Personally I don’t think there is much point searching for bottles and chucking them out as he will just replace them and find another hiding place.

You will get a lot of help at Al anon meetings which is for family members of alcoholics and where there will be people who have been through or going through the same as you.

You know he has alcohol stashes. You know he drinks in secret. He works away from your home so is away from you for long periods of time where he could be drinking without your knowledge.

Could there be some other medical thing going on as well that is coincidentally giving him exactly the same symptoms as him being drunk as a skunk and that happens to occur after you know he's been drinking? Dunno. Possibly. Maybe he's on opiates as well? But generally if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's unlikely to be a squirrel in disguise.

I'm not saying these things to try to make you feel bad. I get it, I really do. I've been where you are as have multiple other people on this thread. You love him and you don't want to believe that he's repeatedly lied to your face and so you're trying to come up with some other explanation for what you're seeing. But alcoholism floats on a sea of lies and booze. For every lie an alcoholic tells you about their drinking they've told themselves a hundred. They have to, to excuse/justify them continuing to drink.

Everything you've written here is screaming that this is a man with an active alcohol problem. That is problem number one. Problem number two is that despite this he has absolutely no intention of stopping drinking.

With respect, you are enabling it. The kids already see him fall asleep. And you're having to excuse it as being tired from work.
You want to stand by him, fine, but own the fact that this decision can and will damage your children in the long term. I will never forgive my parent for not leaving sooner and subjecting my childhood to al alcoholic that also fell asleep at the dinner table.

OP how old is he? I believe liver problems can cause someone to appear drunk much quicker than they should because their liver is shot from drinking so much during their life. Could you get him to go for a health check-up?

Sorry for your troubles. You have obviously been together a long time if you have 4 children.

Residential rehab. Honestly the only thing which has genuinely helped the alcoholics I know.

I have been where you are OP and so I genuinely do know what it's like but bluntly, removing all alcohol from the house will do fuck all if he's already at a point where he's downing spirits in secrecy.

As you say, he'll just stop at an off licence / pub on the way home from work which is actually even worse than him drinking in the house as he will then potentially be driving whilst drunk.

I tried to help my ex so much but ultimately it just became too much as he couldn't stop lying to me. You can't and won't be able to help them. It's a massive cliché but it's true when they say the only person who can stop them drinking is themself.

Even if you don't want to leave him (which I understand) then I think you will need time away whilst he tries to get dry. Because it will be potentially very traumatic for your children to be around.

He’s at the point where he’s lying about how much he’s drinking to you, you know he’s stashed spirits around the house before, he’s slurring and falling asleep at the table. His addiction is now at a stage where he’s prioritising it over his family life.

Unfortunately OP this means you need to make some really tough decisions now as the only parent prioritising them.

He must not be allowed to drive them until he is fully sober. As in has completely stopped drinking, not just on days he ‘hasn’t drunk’. Because you cannot trust him to tell you the truth about when he has or hasn’t drunk. Ditto to looking after them alone.

Perhaps spelling out to him the position he’s put you all in might be a reality check - that you now cannot trust him to drive the children or care for them solo because you cannot trust him to be honest about his drinking.

He will be defensive and call this an over reaction. It’s not. At the moment, you’re (understandably) under reacting.

OP is there not a drug to help people stop drinking. I'm sure I read it on here on the alcohol support forum. Naltrexone I think was the name of it.

Could he change jobs and have less of a commute and less stress?

Hi OP, I’m a recovering alcoholic (many years sober). It’s the most normal thing in the world to have secret stashes of alcohol all over the house, in the car, in the garden, in the cistern, literally anywhere. It’s part of the condition (it seems) to lie about the amount you’re drinking.

An ex of mine once said to me perfectly seriously “you could never be an alcoholic - one glass of wine and you’re under the table”. Little did he know about the bottle of vodka in my handbag.

Does your husband ever drive the kids anywhere? If so, he is likely driving them whilst drunk. He is actively putting your children’s lives at risk if he’s doing this. Doesn’t matter if it’s just taking them to school as a one off, the amount he must be drinking means he is likely constantly over the legal limit for driving.

What happens if he gets pulled over and breathalysed one day? Would he lose his job if he lost his licence or got a conviction for drink driving? What type of work does he do - is he safe to be going it whilst intoxicated?

I am not aware of medical conditions that would make him slur his words and fall asleep in his dinner. Alcoholism can cause a B12 deficiency which can make you extremely tired. But even at my worst with my deficiency I wasn’t falling asleep whilst eating dinner. Realistically, it’s unlikely to be anything other than the alcohol causing this. He’s drunk. He is drinking considerably more than he’s telling you, and the “help” he has sought isn’t helping him. Did he say he wanted help or did you ask him if o get help? Who identified that he was developing problematic drinking?

What you have to remind yourself is that your husband is an addict, and addicts are selfish. They will ALWAYS put their addiction first. Always. They will find a way to justify things. How many times has he let you or your kids down? Does he go to school events? Does he spend time with the kids? Does he help with their homework, know who their friends are, know what their worries are at the minute?

You say you love him, and I have no doubt that’s true. But you are trying to hide his addiction from the kids and that is enabling him. He needs to feel the consequences of his choice to drink - and then you have to hope he chooses that he wants help. Whether you believe it or not, your kids will know something’s not right. They’ll see the difference with their friends dads.

Ask yourself this. Would you trust your husband to take one or more of the kids out somewhere for the day/weekend that you weren’t there for and involved driving and somewhere your kids are unfamiliar with? Would you trust that he wouldn’t have a single alcoholic drink in that time because his child/children need him to be sober? If not, then I hope you know what you need to do.

Hello, I don't usually comment on here but felt I had to. My husband is an alcoholic and the part that resonated most was the sleep problems. For years I thought my husband was just 'tired' and it turns out he had been drinking way more than I was led to believe - bottles of whisky on commute etc. It was only when I started literally raiding bins and checking bank statements that I finally knew the truth and the wool was well and truly pulled from my eyes. Going into the utility room to swig gin is NOT NORMAL, its so so important that you recognise that because I've been there. You're being gaslit and you're starting to question your own sanity over whats 'normal'. Our marriage has only made it this far because I told him it was truly over unless he stopped altogether. I was and still am traumatised by the experience and it took me a decade to even realise he had a problem, It's a long road ahead but he says hitting rock bottom was the only thing that prompted recognition and change. Sending lots of empathy.

OP how long have you been together. You mention 20 years so is that how long you have been married? I just wondered why it had become a problem now after so long. Has anything happened recently like death of an abusive parent that might have brought his trauma up?

(I have childhood trauma and resulting MH problems and eating disorder. Death of parents saw me falling apart due to dysfunctional relationship I had with them. Doc had to up my antidepressants to max dose and I'm due to start therapy soon)

Sorry you are finding yourself in this situation OP - there is a great long running thread on here for those who are affected by other peoples drinking. Some of them are still with their alcoholic who is trying to quit. Some have already seperated or their alcoholic has sadly died. It's a support thread.

I agree with others that he is undoubtedly drinking a lot ore than 20 units. I don't know if you should leave him but I probably wouldn't leave yet in your situation. You need to have a heart to heart with him. He needs to be honest with you and genuinely want to make a change. In most cases that change will need to be abstinence but some people are able to moderate; it depends how much he is drinking, how long he's been drinking at that level and why he is drinking. The fact he is drinking so much in secret is a bad sign though I am afraid. I wouldn't focus on 'forever' for now. Even people who can moderate would start with a period of abstinence to have half a chance - ask him to commit to 3 months and then take it from there. If he is not willing to even try that then he is a long way from acceptance.

I’m sorry but you can’t help him. He can only help himself. He has to choose to stop and it sounds like he’s not yet ready to do that. I tried to moderate for years and then, one day, I decided I didn’t want to drink anymore and I was done with it. I’ve not touched alcohol in 6 months now. Your husband hasn’t yet decided in his deep mind that he wants to change.

I’m really sorry you are going through this OP, and glad you have reached out for help here. Posters are not trying to be unkind, but are trying to help often from their own bitter experience.

How old are your children? If they are young it is unlikely you will observe this situation causing them anxiety - this is normal for them. The children of addicts tend to internalise their feelings which come out as they grow up. They rarely hate their addicted parent as children, but end up being full of self loathing instead (for numerous reasons related to the experience of growing up with an addict). As they get older they may also, rightly or wrongly, judge you and your decisions in relation to this. They cannot change their situation but you do have some autonomy and power here.

Being an alcoholic doesn’t mean someone is worthless, or evil, or beyond help. But it often means that person believes themselves to be worthless on some level, and they have to want to help themselves. It doesn’t matter whether you think he can change - he has to believe it and want it as well. Even though it is clear (probably even to him) that things would be better for him without drinking, giving up an addiction is scary and extremely difficult. Many people only do it when they hit rock bottom, sometimes not even then. It is extremely hard to do it if there are no consequences for your behaviour (and thus no incentives to change) although that determination has to come ultimately from within.

I echo what PP have said about attending Al anon for yourself. There are meetings you can attend online at all hours of the day and night. You don’t have to speak or share anything yourself, you can just listen to what others are saying. This might be really helpful in allowing you to contextualise what you’re experiencing. It may also help provide insight into the lifelong impact growing up with an addicted parent can have.

Naming alcoholism and its effects is not about demonising someone. People are complicated and we all have good and bad qualities. But being an alcoholic isn’t something you do part time, and focusing too much on how many units you see him drink is just a way to avoid the bigger issue. He has a drinking problem. You can’t control what he does, you can only control what you tolerate and what you do.

good luck

I hid it in wellies in the utility room
in the car
in the bottom of my wardrobe
under the barbecue in the garden

There’s more in the house I guarantee it

What @Boysboys1 says.

It's a long road ahead but he says hitting rock bottom was the only thing that prompted recognition and change.

This was my ex too. Sadly we couldn't make it work as I couldn't put up with the lying but it took me leaving and him hitting rock bottom to actually get proper help. He's now been sober for many years and he always says, he loved me more than life itself but no matter how much I tried, I was never going to be able to help him. He needed to come to the realisation himself.

I used to fall to my knees and beg him to stop drinking. I would grab hold of his legs and be crying and crying, pleading with him. He would be crying too. I used to pull sickies from work so I could stay home and make sure he wasn't drinking on his days off. I would drive round local pubs trying to find him when he didn't come home (on a weekly basis).

Looking back, it was heart-breaking and completely soul destroying for us both but no matter how much I begged and pleaded, how many times I threated to leave, how many times I threw away alcohol or went and dragged him out of pubs, it never stopped him.

But you can’t sort this.

He is an alcoholic. Nothing can “sort” this until he decides to stop. I strongly suggest you speak to alcohol charities for support in recognising this. You can monitor, support, and help all you want but he will still drink, and you will become a shell of yourself trying to stop him.

The fact that he says he wants to cut down and not stop, saying he wants to change but taking no action, seeming drunk after only visibly having a little bit of alcohol are all massive red flags here. If he wanted to stop he would, and if he wasn’t dependent it would be easy, wouldn’t it?

I know you love him, but if he is an alcoholic then he loves alcohol more than you and more than his kids. There are many threads on mumsnet from now adult children of alcoholics. You need to decide where your line is and stick to it before he ruins your life and the lives of your children.