Stopping drinking without support groups

[Whaleandsnail6]

I have posted here once before about my husband's drinking. Over the last year he has accepted his drinking is a problem, caused issues with family and friends when drunk, drinking alone and in secret, driven under the influence and he has behaved like a person he does not want to regarding alcohol

Anyway, over the past year, he has given up drinking, had a "blip" (his words) about every 4 months, then had the remorse and "I'll stop again..." Then cycle repeats.

He has been going to AA on and off for the past year. He has set himself a target of 12 AA sessions this time, but after 6 sessions, I can already see he doesn't think its for him. He doesn't think the steps resonate with him and thinks he will have success by replacing alcohol with something else eg fitness/hobby rather than alcohol support. He doesn't fancy SMART group either, he's just not into the support group thing

A large part of the problem is that all of his friends drink.

It was causing problems in relationships, but he has historically almost justified that to himself that it won't happen again/"everyone drinks" etc ...and I worry that this will be a continuous cycle if he becomes socially isolated (his friends have stopped asking him out and when they have he has declined as it is boring being the only sober one)

I feel like he needs to "replace" his friends with non alcohol drinking support, but if he isn't feeling it as support for him, it's not going to work for him is it?

How have other people had success in stopping drinking? I know it can only be him who can do it but I'm desperate for this to work for him. Or am I deluding myself?

There isn’t an easy answer on this one, I’m afraid. It can be very, very isolating if you are the only sober one in a group (and I speak as someone who is nearly 4 years sober), and I am lucky in that my friends never gave me a hard time about not drinking. Lots of people struggle when a friend stops drinking because it sheds an uncomfortable light on their own drinking.

I didn’t go to AA or Smart, but I have been on various online support groups, as some form of community is really important when you’re doing something so challenging.

If your husband genuinely doesn’t feel like AA or Smart “fit” with him (and he’s not just saying that as an excuse to keep drinking) then he needs to find some other form of community that he can belong in sober.

This isn’t necessarily a “sober group” per se - just somewhere he can be where the focus isn’t alcohol.

I suspect this would be much harder for men to find, and will depend on what other interests he has.

Hi. Your husband is what is called ‘white knuckling’ it: trying to give up alcohol without any support which essentially means he isn’t doing the necessary work of addressing the reasons he uses drink/ the root causes of his addition. It’s very likely to just be a cycle of ‘blips’/ lapses/ relapses unless he does the work of building a new life without the need for the substance.

AA/ the 12 steps approach isn’t for everyone, but I would strongly recommend he either do SMART or access local drug and alcohol support (almost all local authorities have one) - you can just generally google it and do a self referral or ask a GP if it isn’t obvious from a google search which organisation is contracted to deliver this support in a particular area. If he isn’t willing to do so, it’s usually a sign that he hasn’t genuinely accepted that he is an addict and has to abstain long term. It’s normal, my Ex had years of “I’m nowhere near as bad as the others I see at AA” and even after relapse following rehab stays he still has denial creeping in.

I don’t think I explained that very well, but do come and join us on the thread for people affected by a loved one’s addiction to explain better.

Here is our current thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5473399-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-4

you will get lots of support and insight on here as we have all lived through/ are living through a loved one’s addiction

OP, I could have written this myself; my DH is the EXACT same (even down to the secret drinking / drink driving…sometimes with our children in the car 😢).

He attended a couple of AA meetings and now it’s just stopped. I feel let down as he’s clearly not putting the work in and going cold turkey has not worked for him in the past.

I’m begging him to seek one to one counselling with an addictions specialist, but nothing has materialised so far. I appreciate the AA meetings might not be for him, but as another poster said, he’s not working out the root cause or dealing with the issue by doing nothing at all.

Since I’ve found out about the secret drinking (I always knew he was a bad drunk when he was outwardly drinking in a social situation), I’ve been putting myself first so much more. It’s made me realise he has to want to change, he’s not my responsibility and if he chooses to do nothing, then at some point, I will walk away. I hope you’re ok.

I think support is important. Not drinking needs to become normalised for him and he can learn a lot about how others don’t drink that way. But it doesn’t have to be a go sit in a room and talk to people support group. I joined a sober online community. They do have meet ups but none of them close to me and they do have online meetings, but I probably only went to a few. I mostly use the Facebook group. I think having people to chat to and knowing others are going through the same thing is important.

I’d encourage him to find some sort of online men’s sober community (typically the are about 90% women which can be off putting to men). He needs one for men.