I think we need to separate

[AlanisMorningShed]

Until a few years ago, me and DH drank pretty heavily, we often shared 3 bottles of wine most nights of the week. We've been together 30 years, 1 older teen.

I stopped cold turkey 2 years ago and have no desire to drink again. During this time DH seems to have gone the other way. He's usually has a bottle of wine by 4pm after he's finished work. He will then have a few beers in the evening until he's slurring and wobbly.

He has anxiety now and is mixing alcohol with anti depressants, which seems to make everything much worse. He seems more anxious, paranoid and depressed than ever. He doesn't get aggressive or injure himself , but he slurs, suffers blackouts and memory loss and is just disconnected. And tbh when he's drunk he irritates my last nerve!

He knows he can't carry on like this. He promises lots but never delivers. I'm tired of it all and want an alcohol free, peaceful life. It's frustrating me because I know how reducing or stopping drinking will improve his mental health.

I've got a rental viewing booked and I'm terrified really. At a time when he needs my support with his mental health, I feel the need to go. I wonder if separating for a while will give him the kick start he needs or send him into a spiral. I'm scared

Am I wrong in leaving?

You are not wrong. Unfortunately there is a very fine line between supporting and enabling, and you need to make sure you don't do the latter.

He's an alcoholic, who is already starting to show signs of the damage it's doing to his body. Walk away before you get drowned in his wave and protect your child from having a front row seat to his demise.

You already know that you can't control/cure him. Only he can do that, and it may shake him if you walk away - but I wouldn't rely on that.

I've told him we're separating and I have an exit plan for the next few weeks. We've told family and friends. It's really happening.

I'm feeling bereft rather than relieved like I thought. I obviously still love him, just exasperated and exhausted with the drinking and impact on the mental health problems. Not surprisingly he's cut down drinking and promising to sort himself out now.

Either way I think I'll see if he's made any real recovery in 6 months time. It's just so painful.

Well done for taking that step. I think its totally normal to feel bereft, its a grief for who you were hoping your husband could be, and a grief that he couldn't prioritise you over the booze when it would have made a difference. And to make things worse now a lot of promises when you've already done the hardest part of it, which is actually making the decision to go. But remember he's made promises before that have never come to anything, and that's why you are where you are. Remember, its not for you to fix him, or facilitate his recovery, or be his personal cheerleader. Only he can do this, if he wants to, and nothing you do or don't do takes away from that and the work he needs to do. He may do it, or he may not, but for the time being prioritise you and what you need; you've been through an awful lot, and you'll need some gentle self care.

And finally just to say of course you still love him, love doesn't switch on and off that easily, but you know in your heart of hearts that this hasn't been working for you for a long time. Wishing you the peace and calm you deserve ❤

@SnowShapes7 Thank you ❤️. I really needed a pep talk. He's determined to make changes now and win me back during the time we're separated. I'm not sure how I'll really know, alcohol is easy to hide. I think he's had his last chance.

Congratulations on your sobriety.

You are doing the right thing. He does not need you. You can love him from a distance. It won't make any difference to him.

Has he made any changes since?

I'm so glad you have an exit plan.

He's likely panicking right now, and saying/doing the things he thinks you want to hear. Whether or not he can do that for a sustained period of time is another matter. And like @SnowShapes7 said in their very wise post, it's not your job to cheerlead him on and make him feel better. What you need to do in this separation is focus solely on your needs so that you can heal too. I wish you well.

Thank you for the reassurance. @StrawberryJamAndRaspberryPie yes he's drastically cut down his drinking since New Year's Day , which is only making this harder!

He's planning to get some therapy, get back in touch with friends and get some hobbies - or do whatever it takes to get him some happiness (and then his ultimate goal to get me back home)

I have said he needs to do this for himself and not focus on me now. He might decide he's happier without me you never know. I hope for his sake, he can feel happier, he was in such a hole while he was drinking

And yes what I'm angry about @SnowShapes7is that's it's taken for me to tell him I'm leaving (I had gently thrown the idea to him over Christmas before announcing it for definite a couple of weeks ago) for him to change. He thinks it's out the blue, when I've been asking for him to cut down and start acting like a partner for at least 2 years.

I feel like my pain was ignored, until it really started to impact him.

That makes complete sense @AlanisMorningShed, when his actions were hurting you he didn’t change a single thing, it’s only when his actions start impacting him that he says he’ll change. And then to say it’s come out of the blue when you know you’ve been asking him to cut down for two years means he’s either gaslighting you now, or wasn’t listening to you then. In your shoes I’d be angry too. Just be aware that he might change his tactics to either guilt tripping or anger, if he feels like what he’s doing now isn’t getting him what he wants. But in a way it’s irrelevant what he does next, you’ve been through such a lot, you need to prioritise you.

We told the teenagers and they took it as well as could be expected, I'm so proud of them.

I'm moving out in 2 weeks. It feels so hard and I keep having wobbles.

DH has completely turned things around and is telling me several times a day that he's going to move heaven and earth to get me back.

I still love him, but when I come back to my OP and remember how he was for so long, I know deep down real change will take time. I don't know if the damage is already done, and I won't know until I'm alone

I just can't believe all the pain I'm causing to DH and the teenagers, it goes against every fibre of my being. As DH said, if I hadn't have thrown this grenade, nothing will have ever changed and he could have died from alcohol consumption. So I hope in the long run it's for the better

Just an up-date. I'm really struggling and wonder if anyone has been through similar?

I've been living alone nearly 2 months now, the peace it brings is amazing and I feel finally I can breathe. I don't feel lonely particularly and have many friends and hobbies to keep me busy.

DH on the other hand is falling apart, suicidal regularly, drinking as much or possibly more than before. Daily messages either promising me the world or berating me. I've had to block him on everything apart from 1 way of contacting me as we have teenagers together. There's been no change in his behaviour. He has absolutely no coping mechanisms. Whilst he's close to his family and they are doing their best, he hasn't got any hobbies or good friends that he's spoken to.

After another suicidal " goodbye " message this morning after an evening / night of drinking, I caved and went round, gave him a choice of going sober for at least 6 months or it's over.

I honestly feel like I'll never be free

Hi OP,
I’m so sorry reading your thread and update. I can relate.
we separated in 2024 for a 3 month trial to allow him time to decide to stop, plan it and show he’s done it for a month. Sadly, like you, he didn’t.
He engaged sporadically with local alcohol support services and AA then would feel like he’s fine, he can drink ‘normally’ and then spiral again.
We are nearly divorced now. We split all finances, each have separate houses etc.
only now, with more distance, and talking to our dc (young adults now) do I realise the impact it was having on them. They realised a lot more, a lot earlier than I realised.
I still loved him and only split to protect the kids, but I’m very glad I did. It’s still tough, I’ll always be sad and care about him.
But, the predictable spiral continued. He’s been off long term from his job, he still drinks, has anxiety and depression and has been suicidal too. He has run up lots of debt and will likely need to sell his house or be repossessed as has defaulted on mortgage.
As awful as it is to witness your dh like this, you can’t change it.
Alanon or Smart recovery family and friends are good to drop into for support.
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure him.
Stay strong, unless he shows real sustained change, as hard and sad as it is.

OP he's not your problem to fix, only he can do that. He's manipulating you into "saving" him when the reality is he has to be the one to go and get proper support. Stop engaging with his threats otherwise you will never be free of him.

You need to go cold turkey too

Thank you for the replies.

Yes I agree, @MrsLizzieDarcy I think I am in the cycle as much as he is and I'm finding it hard to break the habit. A bit of a drip feed, but my first partner died by suicide after we broke up, so I'm finding it very difficult to deal with his suicidal thoughts. I'm getting therapy for this now. I am terrified of my children losing their dad to suicide.

@Bridgewhat24im sorry to hear your struggles and your children too. My youngest teenager is not showing me his feelings, he says he's fine. Which I'm not sure I believe.

I did believe this weekend that maybe this time he could sort himself out, as he promises the world. But I guess this is why we're apart now as the promises are just talk and not actual change

Gosh no wonder you're struggling. This just confirms that you need to take a huge step back here - it's not your job to save these men, it's theirs and theirs alone. And as you sadly know, not all of them can be saved.

Have you tried Al-Anon, my friend found them a huge support when dealing with leaving her ex partner?

Do come and join us on this support thread @AlanisMorningShed . There are lots of us going through separations, have been through separations/ divorces, are still navigating our options and you will get a lot of support
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

@Nogoodusername, thank you for this link, I will