DH has been a secret alcoholic for years

[UnbelieveableJefff]

I cannot believe this is my reality. DH confessed yesterday that he’s been drinking daily in secret for the past 5 years: when I’m at work / doing the school run / sneaking out to the shed etc. He used to be a huge binge drinker and was awful when drunk, but he seemingly stopped that and I was so proud of him. For the past couple of years though, there have been many evenings where he’s seemed drunk and I would ask him, but he’d obviously deny it. He would be vacant, acting weird, slurred speech. He has ADHD so I wondered if it was a symptom of that. I feel so stupid as he was drunk. It never entered my head that he’d be drinking in secret. I was genuinely worried he had early onset dementia.

I’m happy he’s told me and he’s seeking help, starting today. But I’m totally floored by the information and feel like I’m a shock. I think I want to support him through this, but I also feel betrayed and like I don’t know him. Has anyone made it through something similar?

Edited to add: his family are all big binge drinkers and it’s been normalised for him from a young age. I’m not sure if this will affect the chance of him achieving sobriety?

I’m really sorry about this op but I genuinely don’t understand how you haven’t noticed. I love drinking, I’m a big drinker myself but far from everyday and I can smell alcohol on people from 6 ft away if I’ve not been drinking. Even vodka, People say it’s anti free but it’s absolutely not. Hope much is he drinking and more importantly WHY has it come out now? What’s he done/what’s the reason he’s suddenly aired this out of the blue? Has been arrested for drunk driving? Have you checked hoss credit record and savings? Is he in trouble at work? What’s triggered this because it’s very rare for somebody to just blurt this out, normally it’s a precursor to being outed by a MUCH BIGGER THING.

Either way, this must have knocked you for six. I’m an ex cocaine adid y and I’ve had drink issues. I am one of the few people that managed to get better and not ruin the lives of my entire family. But the simple fact is that the vast majority of addicts do not Do The Hard Work As it’s easier to stay in the depths of your addiction. Is hard EVERY SINGLE DAY to stay away from your crutch and most people fail repeatedly. A lot of people Never recover and take their entire families down with them. This can go onto affect grandchildren etc.

Hi op - I have quite a similar story, my post is called: ‘Husband finally admitted drinking’ if it would be helpful to read.

I can relate to the utter disbelief of not spotting the drinking. I have been on the ‘supporting’ thread on this board and it’s a great place for understanding and advice.

For my DH it was the worry that he’d damaged his liver that made him finally confess all. He is now getting help to taper down before starting a home detox in the New Year.

I just trusted my DH to tell me the truth - like yours he used to drink openly so when he said he had given up, I just naively believed him.

I have now decided one last chance to get and stay sober. If he fucks this up then he is out because I can’t let him ruin our lives too.

Try and focus on yourself, hard as it is to do that. I realise now that I can’t change his addiction but I can change my life.

I think it’s harder to spot drinking when the alcoholic isn’t shouty or aggressive. I was raised by an aggressive alcoholic and it was patently obvious when he’d been drinking.

so sorry you find yourself in this shitty position. Just keep looking after yourself and try and push aside the urge to rescue your alcoholic.

Come and join us on the other board, it’s fab xx

@GreenGodivayou are right to be amazed…I think I knew but didn’t want to face it.

I am now wondering if there is a ‘much bigger thing’ at the heart of his confession…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

This is a link to the support thread.

It's a shame you started to worry about his health rather than seeing through his lies. Not that I'm blaming you!

He wants to stop and with help hopefully he can abstain. Hell need to do a lot of work, go to meetings daily at first etc. but if he's an addict then he may relapse. That's always something that can happen.

SMART recovery is good and they have support for family members too. I think it’s a tightrope to walk between having faith in them and advocating for the possibility of success - because truthfully it’s possible for everyone to give up an addictive behaviour - whilst deciding what your boundaries are around this, being clear on the consequences and following through if your boundaries are crossed. If he’s admitted the addiction to you and truly wants to change that’s half the battle won.

I was in denial about my partners alcoholism too and felt a bit stupid for believing him rather than my gut instincts but that’s a distant memory now.

So sorry you're going through this OP. I am 4 years sober and now and utterly horrified that I put my partner through what you're going through now.

Is he medicated for his ADHD?

When I wasn't medicated I would self medicate using drink. It might be worth him looking into getting some proper ADHD medication to help him if he doesn't have that already.

Please don't kick yourself for not knowing... we see what we want to and believe the people we love. That's ok.
I lived with a heroine addict - genuinely didn't know. I did find out and we split up but it felt like cheating. And 'friends' who knew thought I was stupid and blind and must have known... not my friends anymore.

He might be able to heal. But you cannot fix him.

That must have been a huge shock for you. I’m really sorry :(

I’ve yet to know an alcoholic who was able to kick it for good for their entire lives. Friends and family i have known have had better or worse years but ultimate remained addicted I’m sorry to say. It’s just too hard mentally and requires an incredible amount of self disciple and restraint to stay off it not just for a month or a year but an entire lifetime. I really do take my hat off to anyone who is able to confront their addiction and do something about it though as I’m not sure there is anything in life that is harder.

a suggestion above for getting him on adhd meds is a very good one. This would level his dopamine and mean he’s not craving alcohol as a dopamine hit.

wierdly being on mounjaro has helped me feel zero desire to smoke or drink. I have adhd and i expect it’s doing the same as an adhd med would, if i were on them. It apparently affects the hypothalamus and the brain’s reward system, meaning the brain feels rewarded naturally rather than needing to seek out rewards. My brain is low on dopamine so seeks out rewards by craving sugary carby food - maybe your partners low dopamine brain seeks out rewards through alcohol.

another option would be to accept he needs to drink a certain amount daily, and be ok with that as long as it doesn’t escalate. Was he functioning when he was sneaking drink? Plenty of people have a couple of glasses of wine a night and would not consider themselves alcoholics

Thank you all so much for your kind words; I am beyond grateful to each & every one of you.

I definitely asked him if he was drinking or told him he was acting like he was drunk, but he flat out denied it. There was NO evidence. I consider myself to be pretty observant & switched on, but I have seen no evidence whatsoever. Honestly, I’m kicking myself.

It came out because our DD was off school on Monday and I found her at bedtime crying; she told me she thought she’d seen DH vaping in the kitchen and was SO worried about telling me and worried about his health. I went into his office and had a look in his work bag (I’m not proud of this, but he’s vaped secretly in the past & I needed to know if he was still doing it). I found alcohol in his work bag instead. Then he told me everything.

Work wise, I felt like he was just coasting the last couple of years, but put it down to job fatigue. He’s in an extremely well paid job (sales), so I think you can get by on luck to an extent. His high salary has meant he could pay for the alcohol and still put money away in savings without me noticing.

He is not on medication for his ADHD, but I have been asking him to sort it and he knows he needs to. Again, it all clicks now as to why he hasn’t bothered to do it.

He has told me he wants to sort this, but I fully agree and accept that there’s a chance he simply may not be able to.

Do you have access to these savings? I would be asking to look at bank statement to see how much he's been spending each month on alcohol. I agree with @GreenGodiva

"None so blind as those who will not see"
Alcoholics are fly fuckers but come on. You are deluding yourself, as i did when my late dp was sneakily drinking.
Always one last chance with them, eh

Absolutely no need to blame the OP.

If we didn’t have children, I definitely think my decision would be easier. Which I know is ridiculous as his behaviour could be damaging to them. They just love him so much.

I’m sorry to all those who are, or have previously, experienced something similar.

I have seen the savings account; all looks fine. I know now they could be even better.

We have had some tough times throughout our relationship, mostly caused by his previous binge drinking, but this really does feel different. I feel at peace with the prospect of me leaving him in a way I’ve never felt before. I know it’s not my job to save him.

This was me 4 years ago. I found phoning Al Anon really helpful and made me realise Id been enabling his behaviour by sweeping it under the carpet, ignoring it or just joking with the family about how he “liked a drink”. We managed to discuss it ( in a sober moment after a very bad evening with family present) and it was a “ me or the booze” ultimatum. Other promises had failed so I now realised it was me that had to change if he wasn't going to. He immediately promised he would get help and he did. He told all the family, got support, and we haven't had booze in the house since. We are better off financially and health wise. We talk about in now and we take it a day at a time, but we are much happier.

How much is he drinking?

… couldn’t you smell it? I can tell straight away if someone’s had a drink because it stinks.

Anyway, his family being binge drinkers is pretty normal for almost every alcoholic I’ve ever met. Some recover, some don’t.

How odd for posters to come on here and express incredulity that the OP’s husband hid his drinking from her. Pleased for you that you haven’t had someone like that in your lives such that you can refuse to believe it, many have. She’s already said she didn’t know so asking “how didn’t you smell it!?” is unhelpful.

OP - the support thread linked above is actually… supportive.

I don't think anyone is surprised that OP's husband hid his drinking from her. People are surprised OP didn't notice (which actually she did) because alcohol stinks and it's obvious when someone's been drinking.

Why is Op being blamed for being lied to and deceived by her husband?

Op - I hope that you find this thread useful and are able to get some support for yourself. I had an alcoholic parent and it's affected me for life.

She isn't!

Op, I am sorry you are going through this - alcoholism is hellish for all concerned.
As a pp suggested, please go to Al Anon. You will find help and support there from people who have been through or are going through similar.
There are lots of online meetings as well.

Seconding the AlAnon suggestion. They are great. This is a huge deal for you @UnbelieveableJefff and please don't think just about your H and what support he needs. This is also a massive relationship and trust issue. You will need space and support. Is there a particular question or did you just want to share what's happened?

I recommend he take vitamin b complex. He can safely take double the recommended daily dose. Alcohol washes vitamin b out of the body and it is vital for our mental and physical nerves

Is he seeking help from his GP or addiction services? Depending on how much he has been drinking and if it’s everyday he might need to taper off rather than stop suddenly (seizure risk)