DH has been a secret alcoholic for years

[UnbelieveableJefff]

I cannot believe this is my reality. DH confessed yesterday that he’s been drinking daily in secret for the past 5 years: when I’m at work / doing the school run / sneaking out to the shed etc. He used to be a huge binge drinker and was awful when drunk, but he seemingly stopped that and I was so proud of him. For the past couple of years though, there have been many evenings where he’s seemed drunk and I would ask him, but he’d obviously deny it. He would be vacant, acting weird, slurred speech. He has ADHD so I wondered if it was a symptom of that. I feel so stupid as he was drunk. It never entered my head that he’d be drinking in secret. I was genuinely worried he had early onset dementia.

I’m happy he’s told me and he’s seeking help, starting today. But I’m totally floored by the information and feel like I’m a shock. I think I want to support him through this, but I also feel betrayed and like I don’t know him. Has anyone made it through something similar?

Edited to add: his family are all big binge drinkers and it’s been normalised for him from a young age. I’m not sure if this will affect the chance of him achieving sobriety?

There were occasions, yes, when I thought I could smell alcohol on him. I asked him outright if he had been drinking and he would say no. I took his word for it, as I just wouldn’t lie about something like that. He’d been in our home all day, so to me it seemed absurd that he could have been drinking before 5pm. He orders non alcoholic drinks if we go to the pub, he would have only the odd beer if we go on an all inclusive holiday, for example.

He wanted me to tell my family and they are all utterly shocked too. It is jarring with who he is and what he presented. He used to talk about other people’s functioning alcoholism - classic projection.

He wants help and he’s very buoyant about wanting to put a stop to this. Meanwhile, I’m struggling because of the shock and as you’ve said, the utter breach of trust. The humiliation of knowing when I said “You’re acting like you’re drunk” to be met with absolute denial and me creating an “ADHD symptom” to try and rationalise his behaviour. I feel foolish.

Thank you for the support. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting this morning and found it hugely helpful.

I'm so glad it was helpful. Your feelings are all valid. Sounds like he's cock-a-hoop because he's unburdened himself of his secret, while you're left wondering how he could have lied to you and gaslit you for so long. There has been a lot of deceit and this is standard for addiction, but he really embraced it, from what you've said. Don't let friends and family make it all about your H being a hero and seeking help. You need support and time to process what it all means for you 💐 I didn't mean to sound critical when I asked about how you didn't notice his drinking and I'm sorry if it came across that way. You did notice it and he made you doubt yourself with his lies.

What steps is he taking to help himself stop? If he’s not changing or doing anything different then it’s highly likely he will drink again and it will get worse.

im so glad you’ve been to Al Anon that’s the only thing that you can actually do here. They will get you through it.

If he throws himself into AA, gets a sponsor, does the steps etc there’s every chance he could turn his life around - I did. Husband was in your shoes - total shock about how much I had been drinking and hiding from him. But he saw me start attending 5-6 meetings a week and really commit to changing my life. I’m now 12 years sober and we are very happy. I really hope that’s going to be your story.

Thank you for the support. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting this morning and found it hugely helpful.

That’s great op.

@UnbelieveableJefff can I ask how the meeting with AL went, going through something similar and don’t know if it would be helpful or not, it’s all a minefield

Oh my goodness I'm on the other thread linked above.
Your story sounds so similar to mine except I'm so lucky my children are adults who have left home. ( still hugely upsetting for them)
One really good thing to read here are the few positive stories of people who have managed to make the changes required. It does give some hope that perhaps things could improve. Yes maybe I'm deluded I accept that
At the moment all seems bleaker than bleak so all I can do is send my best wishes.

The op knows what her dp is doing. I know, been there chose the delusion.

I was in your spot nearly 5 years ago.

I found my husband passed out on the sofa. I thought he was having a brain aneurism. Come to find out he was very drunk, so drunk that he couldn’t open his eyes. That was the start to our downfall.

Over the next 2 years, I was lied to and gaslit to think he was sober when he wasn’t. So many holidays, important milestones, etc were all tainted by his drinking.

I became a shell of who I was — looking in his work bags, pockets, drawers. Just to find something to tell me he was drinking again.

I finally left after 2 years of lies and ups and downs that come with sobriety. We didn’t have kids and I knew I didn’t want to bring any baby into that situation, so I left.

think about the kids - will you trust him to drive with them, leave him with them, etc. if no, then leave him. It’s not a life worth living. You will feel a million times lighter. You’re already a mum to your children. You don’t need to be a mum for him.

also, my husband was on ADHD meds as well, but hiding those from me too. They’re not a good as they seem and also are highly addictive. I don’t think doctors advocate for people with addictions to be on them. Just something to look into.

NuMummy it's so dreadful isn't it. I'm in the searching phase now even though I know it's pointless and futile.
So glad you've managed to get through the other side xxx

This is one case where I would say leave. You can’t cure this. The lying is enough, the savings the family money.

alcoholics are devious / will swear black is white and will make you think you are going mad

they are clever and bend the truth

it’s a little unfair to blame @UnbelieveableJefff - her dh lied to her

i didn’t see it for months and people would say dh is drinking and I would say no he hasn’t

can’t see the wood for the trees as the saying goes

you get almost used to the slurring

course now I don’t live with dh it’s bloody obvious he has a drink

I feel quite stupid not reliesing tbh

the thread above that @hoodiemassive Put up is lovey and supportive. Come and join us

don’t blame you self The 3 c’s that al anon say

• You didn’t Cause it
• You can’t Control it
• You can’t Cure it

They’re a reminder that another person’s drinking or addiction isn’t your fault and isn’t something you can fix — you can only take care of yourself.

You can’t make someone sober. Trust me I tried for years

Checking in. How are you doing @UnbelieveableJefff?