DH is an alcohol. He’s been hiding it and he thinks it’s my fault.

[IcyBrickOrca]

I don’t know where to start. I’ve never written here before, but I really would like some advice/thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar position, and might have some experience to offer. Please be kind. This is a very difficult situation for me and I’m trying to be fair.

My husband has admitted that he’s an alcoholic. He’s been hiding it for a long time. I asked him some time back whether he was an alcoholic after discovering he had been drinking in secret and he admitted he thought he had a problem. Since then I’ve taken him at face value when he’s said he’s not been drinking, and I haven’t had the courage to ask him about it again - he is a very closed person, shuts down conversations easily and wants me to open up any conversation of depth. Our relationship has worn very thin over the years. There have been other lies (not from my side). Neither of us feels emotionally safe or supported by the other. We have both withdrawn from each other.

The trouble is that he’s so ashamed that he’s not able to talk to me about it. And he’s insisted that I do not put pressure on him. He says that he’s been reading a lot and that if he is going to beat this, he needs to do it by himself. To me, that is deeply unfair. We have two small children and with no grasp of the extent of the situation or what it looks like, I can’t know whether they are safe, whether he is safe, whether he is drinking while he’s caring for them etc. I want to be patient and allow him to come to me with the details when he’s ready, but for my children’s sake I also need to know the information immediately so that I can 1. decide how best to keep them safe, and 2. also know whether he is getting the right help for what he needs. Without knowing the extent of the problem, I feel helpless, and like I can’t just support him blind, with no information at all to know how big a deal this is. And by no information, I mean zero - I don’t know if this is a few beers that get out of hand of an evening after I’ve gone to bed, or a bottle of spirits a night, or anything in between?!

He feels that he’s been crying out for help for months. But in truth, he’s done a really good job of hiding it from me. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to have spotted the cry for help while he’s left me no clues and I’m trying not to get stuck on this, as I’m sure it’s the shame that’s making him blame me. Hopefully once he has thought it over and processed the fact that he’s shared this with me, he’ll realise that this is really his to own.

I can support him as a friend and as a fellow human being who loves and cares for him. But I don’t know if our relationship can survive this, as frayed as it is already.

Am I enabling him by not removing myself from this situation? Does he need to hit rock bottom to move forward? I can’t bear the thought of separating and only seeing my children half the time, and worrying about them, not knowing if he is drinking or not when he is with them. Logistically, we don’t have spare funds for another property. I don’t really know how it would work.

Anyway. If anyone has navigated similar, and feels they have some wisdom to share, I would really appreciate it. Please speak with kindness and not too much judgement (of either of us).

I have no experience of ths situation but I think it's a very big step that he has actually admitted that he is an alcoholic. I feel however that rather than trying to battle it out himself he would be better to initially get some professional help and guidance. Quite how you can get him to do that if he wont talk to you about it is another matter..

I do agree. I think he will need to seek support from an external source. He is very, very isolated. And I feel this as enormous pressure. He has no one else to share this with. But I feel enormously betrayed, and the trust just feels shattered.

Get some support for yourself, OP. Find out your options if you had to separate.

In what way is he 'isolated' ? No brother / sister / cousin / friend that he could possibly confide in ?

Ex husband was an alcoholic so I have some understanding of the situation. Your primary concern here is the safety of your children. Nothing else. He is an adult and is responsible for his own recovery or not as the case may be. You can't fix him. Some people recommend Al Anon - I went but found that by that point I had checked out of the relationship so it wasn't useful to me.

I ended it because of the lying and because my children weren't safe. Would he leave the family home if you asked him to while he attempts sobriety?

One thing I find easier to see years later is that it is a disease - and drinking will be a coping strategy for stressors - including feeling shame. Don't hide this from friends and family - you'll need your support network whatever you decide.

He hides his drinking and won't even discuss the situation with you - you have to assume your children are not safe with him.

Am I enabling him by not removing myself from this situation?
Does he need to hit rock bottom to move forward?

These questions both focus on him. You need to refocus on your children and yourself. This is a very damaging situation for you and your children - but they have zero choice in the matter.

I can’t bear the thought of separating and only seeing my children half the time, and worrying about them, not knowing if he is drinking or not when he is with them.

You need to take legal advice about this.

Alcoholics are often incredibly manipulative and self-focussed. They are in denial about the reality to the point of being delusional. You need to get your head around that as fully as possible:

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

NACOA have good information from children's perspective:
https://nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-children/

My father was an alcoholic. My mum didn’t get us away.

No. He’s not close with his family. And over the years he’s fallen away from friends. We lived rurally for the last decade or so and he simply never connected/settled really. But it’s a pattern. To meet, he’s very sociable, easy to get along with, but he’s struggled to hold onto lasting connections and keep deep friendships. Now he feels utterly alone, except for me. Which isn’t a healthy position for either of us to be in.

Could you contact your gp or an AA group for ideas on how to deal with things, I'm sure you're not the first to be in this situation.

This is really helpful, thank you for the links. Yes, it’s definitely my children who are at the forefront for me right now. I just want to make sure I make the right decisions for them.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Yes, I’m suddenly trying to consider what the best and safest route is for my children, and what this actually means for them.

Don't know how old your children are, but these is the basics of what they're going to need to understand:

Thank you ❤️

Would he go to an alcohol group? He's needs professional help. Has he told you what's caused him to drink?

This is definitely something I will raise with him. I really worry about the idea of trying to deal with it alone. And certainly not in secret. I will never know whether to trust him or not. He has had ongoing issues with depression for many years. And never really got to the bottom of it. I think he has used alcohol to try and manage this.

I divorced my husband because of his alcoholism and all the awful behaviours that went with it. The lying, denial, gaslighting, whining, emotional manipulation, greed, stealing, deceit, neediness and horrible personal hygiene issues. Don't get me started on the 'pestering'.
The final straws were : attempts to oust my two dc from a previous relationship, drunk driving with ds3 in the car and racist, misogynist and homophobic rants whilst sober and when drunk.
I tried EVERYTHING to keep us together and help him attain sobriety but in the end I simply stopped. He's in a nursing home now with demantia and our son has a broken heart.

I’m so, so sorry that this was your experience. Thank you for sharing it with me. The gaslighting is troubling me. I’m not sure yet on the extent of everything else. But I do need information so that I can make my own decisions.

I dated someone briefly lovely person but long story short. He wasn't the man I thought he was depression, functional alcoholic or not far off. Lying also it's hard to know what's mental health and bad behaviour. Anyway I broke it off. It's way above me and not what I signed up for.

Make sure you look after yourself too.

Thanks OP.
I am so sad he has put you in this situation. It is good he has admitted his alcoholism to you and I sincerely hope he finds something in his life (you and your children) that makes him want to stop drinking.
I had to stop his contact with our son after I evicted him from my house because of the drink driving and distressing drunken rants. I attended Court mandated family therapy bc I had referred to his drinking in my divorce application. He did not show up.
The (marvellous, sympathetic) mediator woman told me they do not engage with active alcoholics as 'there's no point. They just lie'.

The effects on the children of alcoholics are enormous and wide ranging; from their own substance/food abuse problems to forming healthy adult relationships. You may well have adapted your own behaviour , without knowing it, to accomodate and conceal his problem from them, from yourself and your friendship group.
You can probably tell from my responses that this subject hits me hard. I lost my big sister to it too...that's another heartbreaker, right there.
Sending you love and heartfelt best wishes.

Has he seen a gp about his depression?
Have you both took simple practical steps like him not having access to money that you cant see?
So bank statements/cash?
Obviously if desperate people will always find away of getting alcohol. But if he knows you can see he has spent money on some then that may help him quit.
Did he tell you how long he feels like its been a problem?
He cant do it alone without having any communication with you. Like you said you need to know if he is safe to look after the children.
Also I wouldn't trust him to drive with them at all. Especially if he wont talk to you about his drinking.
Its not your fault and you are not responsible.

Op, I’m an ex coke addict and I know multiple types of ex addicts. I’ve also had drnk problems most of my adult life. I am one of the very rare ones that has fully and totally engaged in long term therapy and support.

When an active addict is in the throes of their addiction, nobody else matters. Not you, your kids, your dog, your bills, your feelings. Nothing apart from Them and The Thing They Are Addicted To.

When he says he’s been screaming out for help, what he means is “why haven’t you seen this and fixed it for me” or “ tell me I’m doing ok and I can carry on exactly like this”. Basically, he’s trying to blame shift into you as he isn’t emotionally mature enough to take personal responsibility for the mess he’s in, or he’s looking for approval to carry on so he can then blame you further down the line.

You can not FORCE an addict to take responsibility for their own actions and life choices but you can control your own actions and life choices ( and also kind of speed up the process of them getting the help they need, if it’s enough of a motivating factor for them).

in your shoes I’d be ending the relationship and going cold turkey until he is actively and fully engaged in a treatment programme. I’d also be telling the people closest to me so I could get support , and so he could get support. Sunshine is often the best situation and shame likes to hide in the dark secret shadows and can can even cause Shane spirals which then can increase usage and worsen addictions. So be open, with clarity and honesty.

you and your children deserve better. living with an addict and/or alcohol is a brutal life experience for an adult never mind a child. And no matter how much you tell yourself the children don’t know anything bad is wrong, they absolutely do. I know. I lived it myself. It also means that children exposed to addiction often become addicts themselves. Plus how can you ever trust a person with your children when they can’t be honest about alcohol or drug consumption? He is risking your children’s safety.

you can push your DH in the correct direction but you can’t force him to engage. Look up naltrexone therapy and you can engage in this privately with counselling on the side. It has decent results at around 80% people reduce or stop their drinking. It works on the reward centres and creates ever decreasing pleasure from driving to break the cycle and prevent the “ding ding ding” reward bell from activating while drinking .

I think that I would be telling him that he's mad if he thinks he can drop that bombshell then expect no one to say another word. He's got to talk more. If he won't open up then there isn't much else to say so probably best you go your separate ways. Did he really think you would not need more information than that?

Take legal advice about access to the children.

The fact that your husband has admitted he has a problem is a good start but you can’t help him he has to do that himself. I suggest he contacts AA there he will find people who understand and will help where unfortunately you can’t.

Truly thank you for sharing such an insightful, thoughtful and honest response. So much of it resonates and validates how I’m feeling, and helps me better understand where I think he may be. The guesswork is the hardest but, not the knowing that he’s an alcoholic, as I’ve known he’s had problems with drink for a long time - I’ve can see that I’ve been in denial about this too.

Thank you - this gives me a lot to think about. And it’s really helpful.

Yep. This is how I feel. How can I support/plan or make my own decisions without understanding the situation in a logistical sense?

He has in the past. Not for a while. He’s been on an off various anti depressants in the past. But I’ve never felt he’s truly taken hold of it - the gp said that the medication was to help him get into a place where he could put other supports in place - healthy eating, therapy or counselling, exercise etc to help him manage it better. But those other supports never happened. And he’s sort of just drifted on, very unhappy and closed off. I can see I’ve been in denial about how bad it is, and in a way this has made it plain for me to see, and begin to properly deal with for myself.

The money thing is troubling and we will need to review our financial arrangements. Thank you for raising this - focusing on the practical is the most helpful thing for me at the moment.