DH is an alcohol. He’s been hiding it and he thinks it’s my fault.

[IcyBrickOrca]

I don’t know where to start. I’ve never written here before, but I really would like some advice/thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar position, and might have some experience to offer. Please be kind. This is a very difficult situation for me and I’m trying to be fair.

My husband has admitted that he’s an alcoholic. He’s been hiding it for a long time. I asked him some time back whether he was an alcoholic after discovering he had been drinking in secret and he admitted he thought he had a problem. Since then I’ve taken him at face value when he’s said he’s not been drinking, and I haven’t had the courage to ask him about it again - he is a very closed person, shuts down conversations easily and wants me to open up any conversation of depth. Our relationship has worn very thin over the years. There have been other lies (not from my side). Neither of us feels emotionally safe or supported by the other. We have both withdrawn from each other.

The trouble is that he’s so ashamed that he’s not able to talk to me about it. And he’s insisted that I do not put pressure on him. He says that he’s been reading a lot and that if he is going to beat this, he needs to do it by himself. To me, that is deeply unfair. We have two small children and with no grasp of the extent of the situation or what it looks like, I can’t know whether they are safe, whether he is safe, whether he is drinking while he’s caring for them etc. I want to be patient and allow him to come to me with the details when he’s ready, but for my children’s sake I also need to know the information immediately so that I can 1. decide how best to keep them safe, and 2. also know whether he is getting the right help for what he needs. Without knowing the extent of the problem, I feel helpless, and like I can’t just support him blind, with no information at all to know how big a deal this is. And by no information, I mean zero - I don’t know if this is a few beers that get out of hand of an evening after I’ve gone to bed, or a bottle of spirits a night, or anything in between?!

He feels that he’s been crying out for help for months. But in truth, he’s done a really good job of hiding it from me. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to have spotted the cry for help while he’s left me no clues and I’m trying not to get stuck on this, as I’m sure it’s the shame that’s making him blame me. Hopefully once he has thought it over and processed the fact that he’s shared this with me, he’ll realise that this is really his to own.

I can support him as a friend and as a fellow human being who loves and cares for him. But I don’t know if our relationship can survive this, as frayed as it is already.

Am I enabling him by not removing myself from this situation? Does he need to hit rock bottom to move forward? I can’t bear the thought of separating and only seeing my children half the time, and worrying about them, not knowing if he is drinking or not when he is with them. Logistically, we don’t have spare funds for another property. I don’t really know how it would work.

Anyway. If anyone has navigated similar, and feels they have some wisdom to share, I would really appreciate it. Please speak with kindness and not too much judgement (of either of us).

That is such a good mantra for so many situations.
Thanks

No problem at all.

I know you may not want to hear this but you likely already know it. Addicts are very unlikely to beat their addiction. It’s not impossible, it’s totally possible to overcome it and/or find a way to cope. But the hard truth is that beating addiction is very hard work . It takes a huge emotional effort,a lot of physical work and it forces taking personal responsibility and means that you have to accept you have done wrong, hurt people and failed yourself and others. You have to not just actively think this, but vocalise it, and show change through constant effort. Every single day, for the rest of your life. You have to actively choose it and follow through.

You risk failure in tough times, happy times, sad times. And a huge % of people fail because honestly, it’s easier to fuck all of that off and cut your entire family/friends off and just surround yourself with people that either don’t care about your addiction and let you crack on, or live in the same echo chamber as you. That’s why addicts attract other addicts. Misery loves company.

Also, overcoming one addiction doesn’t mean that it’s game over. Addictions change and morph. I’ve spent 25 years in therapy for childhood sexual abuse and emotional neglect. I’ve got bipolar and adhd which HUGELY increases the risk of addiction. ADHD is a dopamine deficiency and we develop addictions incredibly easily as this boosts dopamine and fills the deficit. This isn’t an excuse for me, but it helps to explain the mechanism that underlies my own addiction pattern.

I’ve been addicted to many things. Coke being the worst, alcohol the middle one with sex and risky behaviour. Oh and lots of other things like shopping. I’ve been bankrupt twice. I’ve now learned to channel that addictive behaviour into learning new skills to boost my dopamine. Baking, crafts, hobbies, gardening, allotment, diy, it’s endless. I still have a minor spending issue but my DH is very understanding as I actively try every day to do my best. Is not like the old days, I can say openly when I’m struggling and he sometimes catches it before me and points it out so I can take steps. And Spending £30 every 10-14 on crafting material and then selling my stuff in the church with all the money raised going to the pantry fundraising makes me feel great. I’m averaging £400-600 a month at the moment. And it’s not like I’m spending it on drugs. Its therapy.

tbh though, if I find myself single tomorrow and wanted a relationship, I could never be with an addict. Don’t get me wrong it’s easy to develop an addiction due to trauma or neglect but the vast majority of us are inherently selfish and can’t ever prioritise others. I am an outlier, I worked hard to overcome this, and now I raise money, cook for the homeless, run kids cubs in my church etc.

Serving others had given me purpose but I could never ever be with an addict , even in recovery. I’ve never met another one like me, they are all bottomless pits that you will exhaust yourself trying to save.

I echo what @GreenGodiva has said.

he’s an alcoholic. His default is lying, taking no responsibility and flinging blame anywhere else.

he needs to leave and sort himself out. Whether you are still there for him after he has done that is not a given.

you can’t trust him. He will not keep your children safe - practically or emotionally.

im sorry.

He's right that he needs to do this himself, but that means doing the work of engaging with treatment and facing his addiction.

It doesn't mean emotionally, physically being alone. It shouldn't be an excuse to never speak to you 'because I need to do this myself' that's asinine. It's like hes looking for an excuse to shut you up so you can never question anything.

I recommend the freedom program as a lot of his behaviour has commonalities with abusive patterns and I think you have been doing this for so long that you moulded your life and thinking around him so you can't recognise how much your behaviour is being controlled.

I'm not someone who usually recommends ultimatums but in this case it seems to be appropriate. My sense though is that he just would be completely be unable to engage with it as he isn't yet taking full responsibility, only lip service. An ultimatum may be the shock he needs, but the right thing for you and the children will probably be to separate to allow him to 'do it on his own'. What he can't do however is to get to focus entirely on himself while also benefitting from your company and labour.

Two choices, he is a functioning part of the family, fully engaged and communicative and honestly, working on his addiction

Or, he leaves to focus on himself.

Hi OP,
I am so sorry for you, giving you a big virtual hug.
I have been there also, so deep breath and here goes……
Great he has admitted it, this is a good first step, not great he thinks he can manage this without support from services/friends/family.
You are not to blame, he has chosen to use alcohol as a coping mechanism, and as a result has ended up with a dependency, the dependency is not his fault either, but is now a fact.
You have to protect your children firstly,
physically, if he is drinking he cannot be responsible for them- this can be difficult as they are so good at hiding it!
emotionally, you do not want your children to grown up thinking his behaviour is normal, and that the way he acts towards you and them is acceptable.
There will be a long road ahead for him in terms of recovery, if that is what he wants and more often than not, it will not be a straight road 😢
my advice to protect yourself and your kids is to speak to the best solicitor you can afford, to ensure yours and their financial future. If you decide to leave, get a robust financial separation which allows you to have full custody when you are concerned he is drinking, this is very important for their safety.
If you decide not to leave, please looks after yourself and get some counselling, because this is going to be a very different type of relationship from the one you imagined, think an extra child essentially. If he asks for help from NHS/council addictions services, they will send a SW to check the kids are safe, this is normal procedure and do t worry, it’s not about your parenting.
Be prepared, lots of lying, lots of changing his mind about the nature of the problem, lots of gaslighting and you will be doing the majority of the parenting. Please look after yourself, most importantly as you need to be very strong to get through this. OK, after all that doom and gloom, the children will grow up, if he succeeds in his journey, fantastic, if not, you will be stronger and understand better what you want from life and any future relationships.
I got out, get t financially screwed by him and his family, but have the best relationship with my 2 kids, who now (20&16) see their Dad for who he is and what his addiction did to us all. They still love him and spend time with him, but have learned how to protect themselves emotionally from him when he is drinking.
I wish I could be there to guide you through this, but remember, you can only make the decisions you can, with the information you have now. Be kind to yourself x

I can’t tell you how much I value you sharing your insights and experiences with me. It’s a very lonely place to be in, and this practical and emotional advice is really so useful. Thank you. And I’m so glad to hear that you have such a close relationship with your children.

This is such a helpful viewpoint, thank you. I really appreciate you sharing your perspective. It really helps me frame my own.

Thank you so much - and I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through these experiences. Totally heartbreaking.

Hugs to you, I could have written this myself 18 years ago when I had a newborn and a toddler. I eventually left when my DS were 4 and 7. I am now happily remarried. I could not have stayed, it would have destroyed me.

Serendipity tonight as my exH has started drinking again and the kids, are again angry/upset/sad/devastated, as usual. They choose to stay with me whenever he is drinking, as they are now at an age when that can choose and keep themselves safe if they were to be with him when he started to drink. Choose them, keeping them safe and remember, that by choosing your MH, keeping that safe, is the best way to protect them. You can do this, ask everyone around for help and don’t hide it from family and friends, please x

Ultimately, I don’t think you are wrong for wanting more information/discussion from him. But as someone who was myself a secret drinker I also don’t think he’s wrong for wanting to work through it privately. There can be different ways of dealing with the same situation. The question for me is if you feel you can handle it this way and if not it is ok to leave x his alcohol addiction is no one’s fault but it is his responsibility

What is rock bottom ?

I thought my dh losing

his home
his wife
his marriage
seeing his kids daily to once a week
his job
his van
his health - pancreatitis - stroke -

would all be Rock bottom and enough to stop drinking

but nope

I didn’t want to be a single parent. To separate etc - but I had enough of my dh drinking and lying

so last year I reached my limit and said enough. And kicked him out

he still drinks

I hope your dh can beat this. Many can’t. The odd one does. But if he really wants to then to seek support from aa and doctors

and help for your self via al anon

Thank you so much for sharing this. My children are also 4 and 7, and likewise, things have been hard since the toddler/newborn days from a MH pov on his side, and for me trying to manage around it. May I ask how you managed custody of your children? On the one hand, he is an amazing dad, truly so loving and involved, and he we share the childcare very evenly. But on the other hand, I now don’t know where I can and can’t trust him, and now that I know alcohol is an issue, I can’t knowingly put my kids in any kind of situation where they could be at risk through carelessness caused by alcohol impairment. I can’t get my head around how to think about this. We have no family close by and I work full time.

It sounds like a similar situation, so sorry you are going through all of this. At least your DH admits he is an alcoholic, mine didn't even do that, the most he could admit to was that he drank when he got stressed. He also drank secretly, which I eventually found out about, and he said it was my fault. He did have some alcohol counselling after I found out. He was also sometimes verbally abusive towards me. I never doubted that he loved the children, I think he just found life difficult and didn't have coping mechanisms so drank or lashed out at others when he couldn't cope.

Regarding your question about childcare, that was a nightmare. I'd given up my full time job to look after the children when they were young, but was doing some self employed work part time when we split.

He basically expected me to manage my self employment around him so he could maintain a full time job, despite having the children 3 days out of 7 and paying reduced maintenance on that basis. This was very difficult as I had to increase my self employed work to survive as he was only paying the minimum maintenance through the child maintenance service.

I ended up going to the family court about this, and because he kept messing me around with contact arrangements. The court said that he should be responsible for childcare on his days.

However, it was very difficult to enforce as his way of getting round it was to organise local 17 or 18 year olds who were not always reliable and couldn't get there early enough as they were at 6th form and I always ended up covering some of that time even on his days and just couldn't rely on being available at those times.

There was also a period of time after we divorced when life got difficult for him and he started drinking heavily again when the children were with him. It is also possible he was drunk before that when they were with him and nobody knew. I will never know.

However, this excessive drinking on several occasions led to me going back to the family court. He was prevented from having the children overnight for 6 months and CAFCASS were involved. Eventually contact returned to normal after he proved he could spend time with the children not drunk. However, there was a warning about being careful about his behaviour when the children were with him and that I could go back to court to prevent contact if there were further issues.

There were some one off occasions after that when he was either drunk or confrontational when they were there, but they were getting older and when it happened they started refusing to go back. Each time he eventually apologised and the children resumed contact.

This went on for years, along with numerous unpleasant emails to me about all the things I was doing wrong in my parenting and what a terrible person I was because I ruined his life.

He also told lies about me to social services, saying I had mental health problems, which was untrue. This thankfully led to us both to receiving free counselling to prevent difficulties in our co parenting relationship affecting the children. With this counselling I was finally able to properly put boundaries up with him and limit communication to the minimum necessary for arrangements and not get caught up in his provocative communication.

I am very relieved that this co parenting relationship has pretty much ended and that now I really don't have to have much to do with him anymore.

Both DS are now at university and they've done really well despite the disruption to their lives, but I think some emotional damage was done. I am proud to say that DS2 in actually his his first term of a degree at Cambridge.

I have been very fortunate that I met my current DH quite soon after the split and had his emotional support through what was one of the most traumatic things I have ever gone through. However, I don't regret leaving as the alternative is unthinkable.

my husband was a secret drinker and covered it up completely.
I felt like a total fool when I found out.

I really couldn’t believe he was so dishonest and a liar until i found incontrovertible proof. it came as a huge shock.

He had a number of other serious health issues which were a very effective camouflage and which made it possible for him to avoid detection for so long

• it is a very big thing that he told you himself.

Richard Burton was once interviewed about his alcohol consumption. when he was asked what time he started drinking in the morning his answer was “at midnight”!!!

maintaining a 24/7 base level of blood alcohol was needed and for some alcoholics it is actually a health requirement until they can get medical help to detox. They do not feel the effects of alcohol but need it just to stay normal. They should never be driving and in certain circumstances are legally obligated to voluntarily surrender their licence.

Thus was some time ago and my husband is sober for now.

Thank you for sharing so much of your personal experience. It’s really generous and helpful. I appreciate it.

It’s good that he’s admitted it, but, in my experience (professional not personal), anyone who is alcohol dependent always blames everyone and everything else.
Being in a relationship with an alcohol dependent person or a person dependent on anything is exhausting. You’re never first priority.

I have known a few alcoholics and with 1 notable exception, they have been deeply manipulative and blamed everyone but themselves. Look after yourself OP.

Well, all you can do, from where I'm sitting, is make decisions in the best interests of your children and yourself with the limited information you have to go on.

In this limited information you have - he has been consistently lying to you. You cannot trust what information he DOES give you. He is not engaging with support to meaningfully address his addiction issues that he has owned up to. He is not taking personal responsibility for HIS addiction issues, but looking to outsource the problem and therefore the responsibility for solutions, to you.

You do not know how big the problem is, or how likely it is to impact the children or you, or how it could do so. So, really, without that information, it's understandable if you go to worst case scenario.

Your primary duty is to your children, their wellbeing and safety. You cannot trust your husband to act similarly in their interests. You cannot trust him to safely be in sole charge of them, to not drive under the influence with them in the car.

So that's the limited information you do have. And you have to act upon that, as a parent and a person. Nobody but your husband can fix him. If he wants your ongoing presence and support, he's going to have to give you more information, and more importantly, actions, that support you being able to safely make that choice for you. And most importantly, your children.

This is sadly true for all addicts, very few people ever fully overcome it. It’s an empty hole in your soul and you can never fill it and it slowly poisons you and the people around you who desperately try to fill that hole to “save “ you.

I have first hand experience of this, I am so sorry you are going through this, I would like to help, hand holding here x
What I will say is, that whilst all circumstances are different, an addict is an addict and will be incredibly manipulative, they try to make you think it is all your fault, beg for forgiveness, stop drinking for as long as they can and then rinse and repeat. It’s very, very hard to deal with and I would recommend support for you, from family or professionals as soon as possible.
As regards to the kids, protecting them from Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) is not easy, but keeping them physically safe for now is most important. Talking to them and helping them understand what is going on and helping them to talk about it. I have just posted another thread as my teenagers re really struggling and I do wonder if I hadn’t tried to hide/protect them from knowing in an age appropriate way, that they may be able to talk about it now.
Take care x

How was Christmas @IcyBrickOrca as that seems to be the hardest time for all alcoholics and their families

do he go to aa? Talk to a doctor ?

I was married to an alcoholic and I am sorry to say I believe the alcohol killed him. I stayed for two years too long and wish I had gone sooner. I tried to help and support him but by the end the trust was completely gone. He couldn’t work due to drinking. I would get home from work to a pig sty and then would find half drunk glass of vodka hidden in cupboards. Vodka in water bottles hidden. A good day for me was when I got home he was passed out. A bad day was he was argumentative. I heard so many times towards the end it was my fault. I caused his drinking. I didn’t understand. I should help him more. When I did leave him he said this was his rock bottom and he would use this to turn his life around. 4 years later he was found dead.

it’s not a pretty story but my biggest regret was staying as long as I did. If I ever see or hear about people being in this situation - my biggest advice is to leave. An alcoholic is sick but they need to have the will to get better. And if there are kids involved - even more reason they shouldn’t be living in that environment.

Your husband needs to take ownership, he pays for the drink, and he drinks it without being forced.

As was said at my meeting by an old timer:

”This ain’t no pity party - suck it up, buttercup!”.

I agree with of this

I fear ex will die due to his drinking

its always someone else’s fault and usual ly ours

the lie and twist the truth. Still does now