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Alcohol support

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Original poster

DH trying to sabotage me.

26 replies

Bookaholic73 · 10/10/2025 22:15

I gave up alcohol 3 months ago after several years of thinking I had a real problem with it and half assing moderation a few times.

I was drinking a bottle of wine most nights, and was starting to affect me. So I finally got some support and quit.

It’s been a struggle sometimes, but I have been really happy with not drinking.

The problem is my husband. He keeps asking if I want a bottle of wine when he goes to the shops, or joking that he will buy me wine for Christmas. It was recently my birthday and he ‘surprised’ me with a bottle of wine. My favourite wine, the one I really struggled not to drink the most when I was quitting.

I have spoken to him about how this bothers me several times, but all I get is ‘it’s just a joke’ or ‘I thought you’d like it’.

Why on earth does he want me to drink?

OP posts:
SauronsArsehole · 10/10/2025 22:23

Could be lots of reasons why he wants you to drink.

the one that’s most likely is he’s uncomfortable with you and how you’re changing and growing that he’s trying to get back the ‘old’ you that was predictable for him, the one that, perhaps, doesn’t make him feel uncomfortable about his own shortcomings.

what else has changed for you Op?
Have you lost weight due to giving up alcohol?
have you found new pursuits like exercise? Made new friends? Or ditched old unhealthy friends?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 10/10/2025 22:26

Honestly, I don’t think anything at all has changed apart from the fact that I just don’t drink.

I haven’t lost weight, I’ve always been into exercise, so that hasn’t changed. He isn’t a big drinker himself, so I don’t think it’s him feeling uncomfortable about that.

OP posts:
HarryVanderspeigle · 10/10/2025 22:27

What a dick. I would pour the bottle of wine down the sink in front of him. I gave up drinking years ago and found some people got very angry at me not drinking when out. I think they thought i would be judging them, or perhaps knew that they didn't have the control they wanted. It is unfortunately very common, but I did think people were more used to non drinkers now.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 10/10/2025 22:34

Yes I poured it away and he moaned that it was a waste of money.
I just don’t get it. I’m still the same person, nothing has changed, so I’d like to figure out why it bothers him so much.

OP posts:
MagicLoop · 10/10/2025 22:34

Yes he is trying to sabotage you. The question is why. Tell him really clearly that he is not to buy you wine or try to encourage you to drink wine and that you don't appreciate his 'joking' (it's not a joke).

BigBoots67 · 10/10/2025 22:36

Does he know you had an issue with alcohol?
im only saying that in case perhaps he just reckons you’ve stopped drinking “just because” and not for a real health reason.

Otherwise he’s an absolute prick. Does he drink?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 10/10/2025 22:37

MagicLoop · 10/10/2025 22:34

Yes he is trying to sabotage you. The question is why. Tell him really clearly that he is not to buy you wine or try to encourage you to drink wine and that you don't appreciate his 'joking' (it's not a joke).

That’s what I’ve told him, but he keeps on with the ‘jokes’ and I don’t know why or why it bothers him so much.

OP posts:
ItsOnlyHobnobs · 10/10/2025 22:38

It’s slightly disingenuous to say nothing has changed.

If drinking had no impact on you, you wouldn’t feel the need to give it up.

you fundamentally have changed. Quite likely to improve your health and well-being, but there is absolutely a knock on in your typical patterns of behaviour.

Some people do just hate change. Your partner may be one of them.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 10/10/2025 22:39

BigBoots67 · 10/10/2025 22:36

Does he know you had an issue with alcohol?
im only saying that in case perhaps he just reckons you’ve stopped drinking “just because” and not for a real health reason.

Otherwise he’s an absolute prick. Does he drink?

Yes he definitely knows as I spoke to him about it a lot in the lead up to quitting.
He actually mentioned a few years ago that he was concerned that I was drinking too much, so he was definitely aware.

He does drink, but not often. Maybe once or twice a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 10/10/2025 22:42

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 10/10/2025 22:38

It’s slightly disingenuous to say nothing has changed.

If drinking had no impact on you, you wouldn’t feel the need to give it up.

you fundamentally have changed. Quite likely to improve your health and well-being, but there is absolutely a knock on in your typical patterns of behaviour.

Some people do just hate change. Your partner may be one of them.

Well I don’t think it’s disingenuous, I gave it up only because of my health.
I still do all the same things that I did when I drank, the only difference is that I now drink AF wine or ciders.

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 10/10/2025 22:42

Really not ok for him to do this to you

AluckyEllie · 10/10/2025 22:43

He felt better than you because you drank. He’s insecure that you aren’t drinking, maybe he worries you might someone better or maybe he just doesn’t get to feel superior.

It’s like a guy that buys his wife a chocolate bar when she is trying to loose weight- he doesn’t want her bettering herself.

Chickenwing2 · 10/10/2025 22:44

You need to be angry at him, say “why would you buy me wine when I’ve told you I don’t drink anymore? It’s cruel and not funny”

buy him something equally unfunny on his birthday, like an apron/oven gloves, and tell him it’s a joke if he gets annoyed.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 10/10/2025 22:50

AluckyEllie · 10/10/2025 22:43

He felt better than you because you drank. He’s insecure that you aren’t drinking, maybe he worries you might someone better or maybe he just doesn’t get to feel superior.

It’s like a guy that buys his wife a chocolate bar when she is trying to loose weight- he doesn’t want her bettering herself.

Yes that’s exactly how it feels, the chocolate analogy. Maybe you’re right, he enjoyed feeling better than me.
I think I need to have a serious think about if I want to be with someone like this.

OP posts:
Silvercoconut · 10/10/2025 23:23

I've been thinking about this.
Reminded me of years ago when I attempted to stop smoking, and I managed for a good few weeks.
My husband, (now ex) would constantly offer me a cigarette, and when I would refuse, he would snigger and say"are you sure"
I held firm, but eventually started again.
He took absolute delight in it, throwing in my face that I couldn't do it. Made him feel great.
He really was a nasty piece of work🤣

intergalacticplanetary · 10/10/2025 23:27

Driftingawaynow · 10/10/2025 22:42

Really not ok for him to do this to you

Agreed. Total dick behaviour.

dunroamingfornow · 11/10/2025 07:04

He may well be the reason you felt the need to drink a bottle of wine a night. Now you are totally sober perhaps you can see him clearly for who he is and he’s threatened by that ?

SparklyGlitterballs · 11/10/2025 07:11

I would have one last, serious chat with him. Explain that it's not "a joke" because trying to sabotage you is not funny. It's him wasting money, not you. Make it VERY clear that if he continues to do it then it's serious enough for you to consider ending the marriage, because it's such an unattractive trait to have in a partner.

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 11/10/2025 07:14

That’s awful OP. I am an alcoholic & it has been very difficult for DH at times but he would never do what your DH is doing. In fact, he quit with me the first time I stopped drinking. If your DH continues trying to sabotage your efforts, I would seriously consider whether you want to stay with someone who refuses to support you.

Blarghism · 11/10/2025 07:16

Either he likes you being a bit broken or he's got soe sort of bet on, either way it's not good!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 11/10/2025 07:24

Really not ont on and yes, I do think he liked that he felt he had more ‘control’ than you around alcohol. Not a nice trait in a partner/husband.

My advice would have also been to tip it away in front of him so pleased you did that. Also call him out each and every time. ‘Why would you buy me that when you know I have stopped drinking?’ ‘Why would you think it is funny? I am not laughing. It took me serious effort to stop and now you think it is funny?’

Well done for quitting. I also need to!

Namechange822 · 11/10/2025 07:30

Honestly, I don’t think it matters why he’s doing it, it just needs to stop.

So, I’d tell him very clearly that if he buys you anything with alcohol in for Christmas it will go down the sink, and you will take back your present to him. In front of everyone. Buy him something you would also use. If he still buys you wine do it. Be prepared that if he is doing this consciously and on purpose he might buy you something boarderline like alcoholic chocolate and still bin it.

I’d tell him once, very clearly, that he is completely unreasonable to be offering you anything with alcohol in it, and is showing you how little he loves you every time he does it. Then every time he does it leave the house. Extra points if you have a grab bag packed and stay away overnight. Double extra points if you have young kids and that means that he has to manage them on his own.

There could be a lot of reasons for his behaviour but sadly, the most likely one is the most plausible, which is just a lack of care. That he isn’t really tuned in to this huge effort that you’re making and isn’t really seeing/listening to your struggles. And only spends 1 minute choosing your present - a bottle of wine is a bit of a shit present from a spouse even if you haven’t given up drinking!

SuspiciousTimes · 11/10/2025 07:56

@Bookaholic73 Firstly, congratulations on your success in finding freedom from alcohol. What a wonderful thing you have done for your physical and mental health.

Your husband is being an absolute prick.

I agree with what pp have said—sit down with him and clearly explain to him that this is not a joke(this is giving him the benefit of the doubt that he has misunderstood your seriousness in this—however unlikely that may be). Tell him: he is deliberately undermining you and going against your wishes, you don’t want to receive any of his jokey ‘gifts’ ever again, you don’t want him to offer to buy you wine when he goes to the shops and you don’t want him to make jokes about your former drinking.
If he continues after you have had this conversation then it is clear he doesn’t respect you or your decisions in the slightest. And as you have already asked yourself, do you want to be with that type of person?

SuspiciousTimes · 11/10/2025 08:01

Also @Bookaholic73 I love the ideas of pp about getting him an equally disrespectful, shit gift.

Kipperandarthur · 11/10/2025 09:44

That is hugely disrespectful, unkind and seriously off.

If he buys you wine again I would open it and pour it down the sink in front of him and tell him he is the one wasting the money and insulting you by buying you the wine.

It's deeply odd that he is "joking" about something serious that you are trying to do for health reasons and not funny in the slightest.

I would try one more serious conversation about this and hope that you get through to him. I would be so very disappointed at this attitude and would seriously be questioning whether I want to be with somebody who is trying to sabotage the efforts being made here which are hard enough without somebody behaving inappropriately who is supposed to be supportive.