Can't go on

[Andsoitbeganagain]

My husband is an alcoholic and I just can't live like this anymore. He drinks 2 or 3 litres of vodka every day. I come home from work and he will be staggering around, slurring his words and reeking of booze.

I pay all the bills while he pisses away every single penny. He has a very part time job that he earns very little from. I suspect he funds the booze with credit cards and loans. I dread to think how much debt he has.

I feel entirely alone in life. I no longer love him. I resent his poor choices and how they have dragged me down. I long to be free of him but he won't leave. I'm trapped in this marriage. I am starting to feel like I don't even want to stop him drinking because the inevitable end now feels like the only way out

I don't know what I want from this, i just can't say this to anyone IRL.

Hiya, that sounds really hard, I’m sorry his behaviour is having this impact on you.

Can I ask, is there no way you can leave? I know it’s not easy, but is there something holding you back?

remember, you didn’t cause this, you cannot cure it and you absolutely do not deserve this x

Have you looked to see if there is any support in your local area? I work in the drug and alcohol recovery scene, specifically with family members. Feel free to message me with your county and I’d be happy to do some research

Womens Aid/Solicitor asap

If he hadn't got any desire to get well then you really do need to leave. If he is drinking at that level I dare say he won't be around for much longer. You need to get your house in order as he isn't contributing at all.
You could tell him if he goes to rehab there might be a slim chance of saving things?

You need to start talking to the people you are closest to, the peoole who care the most about you.

Choose someone who is smart and sensible and responsible, amd ask them if they can spare you the time for a chat.

Pick up the phone and call Al Anon. Al Anon is for people affected by someone else's drinking. Start attending meetings, whether virtual or in person.

You don't have to live like this. That is the bottom line that you need to repeat to yourself every day.

Can you take some time off work to deal with paperwork, tracking down your H's finances, and getting legal advice about your position wrt marital property and debts?

You are going to have to make some decisions about your own life. That life is the only one you can change here.

Thank you for your kind replies. I've stayed this long because we have a teenage son who has just completed his a levels and I didnt want to blow up his life while he was studying. I have tried to protect him from his dad's drinking but he's 18 now. He knows how it is.

I could leave. Financially, I do it all anyway. His debt is his own. I'd be ok. I worry what my son will think if I abandon his dad. I suspect if I leave his drinking will escalate very quickly and I don't want my son to blame me.

I have spent this evening looking for help and have reached out to a couple of places. My husband would never engage but I think if I speak to someone I could begin to find a way forward

Your son may find it hard to get his head around initially, but in time I’d hope he’d understand that you got to a point that you needed to put yourself first. His dad is pulling himself down, and it’s important you don’t let him pull you down further

Please protect yourself and your son. I’m a recovering alcoholic myself, but this was Dh and his mum as a child. The best thing his mum did was ask him to leave. They separated when Dh was early teens and he died when Dh was 15. Your son absolutely knows and this has already impacted him. But you can say, no more, both for yourself and him. Even as an adult, it will benefit him to see you putting healthy boundaries in place. He will understand, maybe not eventually, but he will understand one day.

It also means that your dh will be forced into a situation where he will need to get help or else. If you are keeping everything together for him, he is never having to face the implications of his addiction. He needs to sink or swim. You can compassionately offer practical support, driving him to appointments or meetings. But not money, not booze, not picking up the pieces for him because he’s made his life a mess. There is a lot of support out there, but he has to take it.

I'm so sorry but as a pp has written, with this sheer volume of drinking he's going to die soon. He must know this himself and is hellbent on self destruction.

Protect yourself and your son.

You didn't cause this.
You cant control this.
You cant cure this.

What's your housing situation?

If you leave, it will speed up his ‘rock bottom’. He needs to find and hit that before he admits he needs help. Therefore, leaving him is the best thing you can do for him. You could explain that to your son too. Whilst the family are still here he can convince himself that it’s not that bad.

Please come and join us on this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5177307-continuing-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share