I feel so ashamed

[KatiesbigsisterSue]

I know I am catastrophising and that some of that is due to the morning after fear.

But I feel so ashamed because I feel like every time I drink socially I drink too much and make a fool of myself.

I ended up having drinks with some school mums last night. I didn’t do anything awful, but I know I was the most drunk. I came home and my kids were still up and I ended up in the toilet for an hour thinking I was going to be sick. My husband has commented this morning about “the state” I was in. He’s making a joke of it but I don’t find it funny.

It’s just not good enough for my children to see me like that. I know that yet I’ve done it multiple times. I didn’t do anything wild or awful but they knew I was in the toilet and they also saw me drunk. And they have many times.

Nothing awful happened, I know that. But I’m in my 40’s for gods sake. It’s not ok and it’s a bit pathetic.

I just feel so ashamed. Why couldn’t I just come home and go to bed like any other person.

I do drink alcohol regularly but not in this way. I’m wondering if I just need to stop drinking all together. I wouldn’t miss it week to week. I do like a nice g&t and a glass of fizz but really it’s adding nothing to my life except wasted calories. I clearly have no self control when I am socialising (when alcohol is a feature) so maybe I just don’t do it at all and save myself all of this stress. And set a good example to my children.

I think it would be best if you just stopped drinking completely. It’s affecting your children.

Id stop all together if you get in those kind of states, not out being ashamed just nobody wants to feel rubbish lying in the bathroom like their going to sick if they can help it.
my mum is like you, she doesnt drink all the time but socially she got in some right states. One night i remember her coming home and she collapsed on my brothers bed and we had to get her into her own bed, another time she fell out a toilet stand and smashed her face up. Always promising to stop drinking, never did. I was embarrassed as a kid seeing her in those states even as a adult now i refuse to drink with her out of being scared shell get in that kind of state.
think of your kids.

Switch to mocktails and nosecco for thr next 5 outings. See how you feel.

I agree with @MumOnBus

the most important thing right now is you’re not happy and if you’re unhappy it’s time to make some changes. See how you go.

So, I’m not going to be defensive - I knew I would get these types of responses by posting so I need to accept them.

I actually don’t get in the states you describe @justkeepswimingswiming How your mum behaved is definitely not how I behave. Nowhere near that.

…but I’m also not happy about how drunk I can get when I socialise - as in when the socialising involves alcohol, which is of course why I posted. It’s not every time but it’s enough to make me feel this way.

If I was to say this to my husband or friends they would try to minimise us and they would most likely say not to be stupid, I’m overreacting. And while that would be nice to hear, it doesn’t stop me feeling the way I feel.

I wouldn’t even be fussed about that - I would be happy with a Diet Coke!

Going out dont mean you have to drink.
I dont drink at all i hate alcohol.
But i still go out and have fun probably more fun than most because im sober.

It's easy to get carried away when you're having a good time and even easier to lose track of how many you've had.
You could always try making your alcoholic drink every 2nd drink effectively halving the alcohol.
It's not easy though if the friends you socialise with are hardened drinkers as my friends are.

If your gut is telling you it’s a problem then it’s a problem, regardless of whether or not anyone else thinks you need to stop. Alcohol misuse and addiction are so normalised in this country that most people only consider the ‘park bench wino without a job’ to be the sole benchmark of rock bottom and pretty much everyone else is just ‘having fun’. At some point the hardened alcoholic were just having fun too, nobody goes from one drink to the bottom of the bottle overnight, it’s a slow progression as your tolerance builds and you begin to rely on alcohol to do any socialising and to deal with any problem.

I’m not saying you’re at this point, OP, just that you can’t rely on what other people’s views on your drinking are. If it feels shameful, listen to what that’s telling you.

At the point your kids have seen you drunk “many” times, and you coming home from a night out & spending an hour in the toilet while they are awake isn’t a rare one off occurrence, you have a problem.

Absolutely - Going out doesn’t have to involve alcohol. I’m definitely part of a group where most times we meet it’s for dinner / drinks. We also meet where no alcohol is involved too but when we get together it’s usually for drinks - probably like a lot of mum groups my age.

I wouldn’t care if someone didn’t drink though and I’m sure they wouldn’t care if I didn’t drink at these events.

My drinking pattern was similar to yours and the guilt and shame induced by alcohol was bloody horrible. Even if I didn't say or do anything wrong the next day my mind was full of what if I did upset someone and just can't remember, etc? I packed it in altogether about five years ago. I thought I'd find socialising difficult because I used to use booze for Dutch courage. But I got used to it really quickly. The feeling of being in control and not having to live with debilitating guilt and mad rabbit-hole thoughts is a million times better than any buzz you get from that first drink. Xx

I don’t disagree - although one of the reasons I hesitated about posting was language like this.

I don’t have a “problem” as you have said. In the way that you imply.

I do want to change things though. That I do agree with hence the post.

I also don’t think it’s good for my mental health either - even when nothing bad happens I get the fear. It’s crippling at times. And while it’s not every week, or even every month, when I feel this way it lasts for days and days. The feelings of shame and anxiety.

Hey there. I stopped drinking pretty much entirely (apart from the very occasional glass of champagne at Christmas or New Year) after feeling similarly.

It is great. The best advice I heard was that once you decide you won’t drink, you don’t have to make any decisions about drinking and that is much more relaxing and freeing. It is just something you don’t do, so the decision is already taken and you don’t have to think about it.

Could you just drive the few times you go out?

start off by not drinking 'out' but drinking at home or out with DH, if it's not an issue at those times.

then if that all works out fine and you want to, try alternating an alcoholic & non alcoholic drink when out with !the girls'

??

you need to do whatever YOU think you need to do. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks!

This is really helpful and you’ll see I have just written similar! Even when nothing bad happens, even if it’s just a good night, the fear I get is awful.

You do have a problem, and I’m not implying anything that you haven’t explicitly said.

Facts you have put in your own post:

1. Every time you drink socially you have too much and make a fool of yourself
2. Came home and spent an hour in the bathroom feeling sick
3. It’s not good enough for your children to see you like that… yet they have multiple times
4. They also saw you drunk and have “many” times
5. I clearly have no self control around alcohol

You coming home mortal drunk should not be a sight your children see “many” times, or are used to seeing.

You don’t have to be drinking a litre of vodka today to have a problem with alcohol, and you DO have a problem with alcohol, make no mistake about that.

Shame is an awful thing to feel on a regular basis. Realistically, unless you are good at setting a 1 or 2 drink limit and sticking to it, then the only way to avoid it altogether is by stopping, at least for a while to see how it feels.

You may find waking up each morning entirely shame free so worthwhile that you decide to stop altogether. Or maybe give yourself 6 months and re-evaluate.

I’ve been there and I know. For me stopping was the only way but it might be different for you. I still enjoy waking up without a hangover and/or accompanying feeling of shame and horror.

The shame is a side effect not only of the alcohol but the sense of loss of control with people you’re not 100% comfortable with. Or who you don’t want to be around when you’re not in complete control ie kids. I got to a point where I couldn’t bear that feeling - and I never did anything really awful or embarrassing, no awful scenes etc.

Yes this! Very similar to my post - but I’m 8 years on now!

I saw my mum like that a lot and I still have bad memories of it. If you can stop i would.

As I said I am not going to be defensive because I have posted for a reason. The way drinking makes me feel is not good and I need to acknowledge that.

What I am not going to do is allow posts to make me feel more ashamed and catastrophise even more! My children have amazing lives, but I agree it’s not ok that they’ve seen me drunk over the years, and I don’t want them to see me drunk again. Even if nothing bad happens. And even if it’s not a lot. Because it genuinely isn’t a frequent occurrence.

I think it’s also made worse by the fact that a friend is an alcoholic who is drinking every day, their children are significantly impacted by her alcohol use. There is real neglect on a daily basis - and I think seeing this has made me think about it more. Just the impact of alcohol generally.

@Mrsttcno1 I think it would be fair to say that in my OP I was catastrophising and probably being quite dramatic due to how I felt this morning. I do have self control when it comes to alcohol. That was stupid of me to say that because the rational part of me knows I do.

Those of you who just stopped. Did you mention it to anyone?

I kind of don’t want to make a big deal of it. My husband barely drinks but he might notice after a while if I’ve not had a beer or glass of fizz for a while.

I almost don’t want to tell anyone because I feel like they might be dismissive of my reasons - I think that’s part of the culture we live in - someone else mentioned it being so normalised now. Basically people will be like don’t be daft you don’t have anything to worry about etc.

But they don’t feel the way I feel.

I suspect my hormones also don’t help. Being in my 40’s…well let’s just say I am often full of self doubt these days!!

Beer fear. Was everyone having a drink and enjoying themselves? You're not an alcoholic. It's a horrible feeling but I don't think it sounds like you have a problem. I think you have beer fear which is very common around our age.

Yes - I was not dramatically different to the others. I feel I was bit more drunk.

I absolutely 100% know I am not an alcoholic.

But I feel like when I do drink socially I always get carried away.

why don't you just say you're not drinking as it's giving you anxiety. No big hoo-hah or debate necessary. Lot's of women find it difficult to process alcohol in mid-life. Loads of my friends barely drink now because of it. If you're unhappy with how things are, you can absolutely change that without making a big deal of it.