Partner still drinking heavily when I’m 36 weeks

[may25mama]

Hi all

Not sure what I’m really looking for here, maybe just some solidarity / advice / the chance to rant. But I’m really starting to get fed up with my partner’s drinking / social life.

for context I am 36 weeks pregnant and he’s been telling me he’s going to ‘calm down’ since we even fell pregnant. He currently is out at the pub 2-3 times a week until at least midnight then usually carries on drinking in the living room and falls asleep there (rather him there than waking me up to be fair!).

My Social life has obviously completely changed since being pregnant, especially now I’m feeling so exhausted and uncomfortable. I find myself home alone 2-3 nights a week now. Not the end of the world as I’m having a lot of early nights but still quite lonely. Not to mention the fact that I’d be on my own if something were to happen.

Granted, he is usually only at the pub over the road so he’s not exactly far, but he obviously wouldn’t be much support or able to drive me in an emergency or if I went into labour. He has one final night out ‘in the diary’ for a friend’s big birthday next week (I’ll be 37+) in London around an hour away and he is notoriously bad for not checking his phone / being uncontactable for hours when he’s out so I’m feeling quite anxious about that in case something happens. My family are an hour away so if anything urgent happened I’d probably have to uber to the hospital alone - traumatic or what!!

our consultant yesterday even said to keep drinks to 1-2 now as ‘anything can happen at any point’ yet today he’s got the day off work and is already at the pub (it’s 4pm at the time of writing) despite the fact we have an NCT class later on this evening - how embarrassing if he turns up to that pissed!!

I just don’t know what to do. The goalpost of when he’s supposedly stopping drinking keeps moving. I’m fully resentful that I’ve not had a drink since August and have managed just fine yet he can’t do a few weeks. It’s pathetic!! As I say - the only contingency plan we have if something happens and he’s unable to drive is to get a taxi to hospital which I’m really not keen on the idea of - especially if I’d have to do it alone / with a useless pissed man! I’ve told him I don’t want him around if I’m in labour and he’s been drinking - I’ll have my mum & sister instead.

He agrees to all of these things and told he wouldn’t be drinking any more before baby is born (aside from friend’s birthday) but that just goes out the window as soon as the sun is out and he fancies a beer! I have no issue with him having a drink or two but it’s never just ‘a beer’ he always takes it too far and I’m just starting to feel anxious that I’m going to be in a situation where I won’t be supported when I need it the most. He’s promised once baby is born he won’t be drinking or going out but he’s not exactly kept any of his drinking related promises until now so I’m not hopeful. Feeling really anxious for the PP period, as I say I don’t have family super close by.

has anyone been through anything similar? Did the penny eventually drop? Any advice?

thanks in advance :(

Move back in with your mum. He's not going to stop this, you'll just end up dealing with a tiny baby and a drunk boyfriend.

Yes, the penny dropped. And I left him.

Nice supportive comment there. I bloody hate MN sometimes

I agree. Move in with your mum and don't give the baby his surname. He isn't going to change and this won't end well. He's a man child.

It’s not going to change suddenly when you have a baby. I would probably guess it will get worse. He will ‘need a break’ from a demanding baby and just nip to the pub for one. I’d be prepared to go this alone.

I’m certainly not anti-drinking, I love a drink! I also don’t have a problem with my husband having a few drinks after work when I was due. The difference was he would literally go for one or two. If you can’t rely on him now, once the baby arrives it will be much worse.

OP, he’s an alcoholic and it won’t change. It’ll get worse when the baby’s here. The ‘stress’. He ‘needs a break’. It won’t change.

Yes OP. I ended up driving myself to hospital (22 miles) because dp was awol, despite all the promises.

After ds was born, he no longer hid the extent of his drinking. I couldn't trust him to look after ds or take ds anywhere in his car, I never knew if he was over the limit.

We left him when ds was two. Make sure you keep your options open. Sorry.

Sorry OP but for the sake of yourself and your child, and both of yours safety, go to your mum's.
I'm 8 weeks postpartum and there is no way I could have coped looking after a baby and stressing about my partner drinking too much and couldn't cope now.
How will he be trusted to hold the baby when drunk and give you a break?

You probably need to make a hard decision. Is this a life you want for your baby?

Presumably he's always been like this, so I do agree with the poster above - why on earth did you get pregnant? Anyway, he isn't going to change. Women seem to think that babies make men "see the light" but in reality if men have bad habits or attitudes, throwing a baby into the mix only makes them worse. I think you should either resign yourself to leaving him or spending the rest of your life battling with him - and being bitterly disappointed.

If it were a choice between “me or the booze” - which would he choose?

He has a problem alcohol, Move out now don’t wait.
Can you go to your mums? it sounds like your mum and your sister are supportive, and will be a lot more helpful
Just go it has to be his decision to sort himself out. It sounds like he’s got quite a bad drink problem.

Having a newborn at home will be the most challenging job that you will ever have in life.

You need a partner who is willing to do his parts in giving baths, feeding, holding the baby, taking the baby for walks and having to get up 3-4 times a night to do feeds/nappy changes.

You really can't do it with someone who's drunk/hangover most of the time.

Most husbands/partners would not do this with a heavily pregnant wife. He needs to cancel his trip to London, that's way too close to your due date for him to not be around. If he doesn't then leave him, he's not going to change for the baby

DH stopped drinking at the pub with his friends when I was 34 weeks and that was only the odd Saturday maybe once every 5-6 weeks. He sounds like he’s got an alcohol problem. DD is now almost 2 and I’m 18 weeks pregnant and he doesn’t go out drinking unless for a stag do/friends birthday.

Thanks for the replies. I think tomorrow I am going to tell him I’m moving in with my parents as I just don’t have the energy to be stressing about this any more.

Things do ‘get better’ for a week or so but seem to always fall again. He does have a problem which he admits but clearly doesn’t want to do anything about it. At least right now. I am really angry he’s putting me in this position. Moving out is super inconvenient and I will be miles away from my hospital as well. It’s so frustrating.

For the questions about why I got pregnant - it wasn’t exactly planned but we were both happy when it happened. He already has a child from a previous relationship and is a brilliant dad and normal human being the 50% of the time that the child is with us, it’s the days he has ‘off’ where he lets his hair down and can’t seem to stop once he starts..

he has been supportive in every other way and attended every appointment, scan etc with me. And he is great when he’s here & sober. It’s just that I feel like I’m at this alone 2-3 times a week and I just don’t want to feel like that as a parent..

I agree with this. The immediate few weeks after baby is born are tough even with a dedicated, kind and thoughtful partner who has a history of putting you first throughout the pregnancy. With a bloke like your partner, I can’t imagine how tough they are and think they would be infinitely easier with your mum and / or sister as your support. Sorry OP, you’ve grown up and he hasn’t.

Sorry OP cross posted. I think it’s brilliant and brave of you to go to your parents now. You can feel supported and prioritised - as you should be!

He's a waste of time and will put drink before his parental responsibility. Good that you've seen the light and are moving in with your parents. Don't let him talk you round. Words are cheap. His actions tell you who he really is.

You can investigate the hospitals where your parents live, there is time.

He’s not a brilliant dad to his DC if he has an alcohol problem and spends so much time and money drinking.

He didn’t change for his ex or his DC and won’t for you and your DC together - unless he chooses to and is able to.

If he hasn’t changed his ways not he isn’t going to.

Not only is his drinking habit selfish because it’s literally ruining his health it’s also costing a hell of a lot of money that could be going towards his current child, your child that will soon be born or just bettering your lives all round.

Wake up OP!

You're married to an alcoholic and you can't see the trees for the wood here. Stop fussing about where he sleeps. Stop fussing about an Uber when you're in labour.

This means you cannot rely on him for anything, including the truth. He has shown you plainly that hismpriority id getting straming drunk every time he has a chance. He is spending money and time on alcohol and leaving you to fend for yourself. He is a rotten partner and he will be a ritten, useless father to the baby.

His promises are fake. They are lies designed to keep you waiting for him to start putting you first and meanwhile he has a roof over his head and furniture to crash on, food served to him and his laundry taken care of.

Talk to your parents about moving back in with them once you've had the baby. If you can have your mum come and stay when you're at 40 weeks that would be great.

Talk to your midwife about the drinking he's doing. Tell her he is not to be with you in L&D. Ask for her help in signposting you to community support.

You should contact Al Anon (for people who are affected by someone else's drinking).

You should also talk to a solicitor about the nuts and bolts of separating. Are you married? Do you own or rent your home?

There is never a good time to contemplate ending a relationship, and you may not feel up to it at this time. But the drinking isn't going to get better, and you need to stop the magical thinking here. Don't let him ruin your life or your baby's life.

Cross post there.

Stick to your guns. Move in with your mum. Don't be fooled by any promises he makes. They will be lies.