Partner still drinking heavily when I’m 36 weeks

[may25mama]

Hi all

Not sure what I’m really looking for here, maybe just some solidarity / advice / the chance to rant. But I’m really starting to get fed up with my partner’s drinking / social life.

for context I am 36 weeks pregnant and he’s been telling me he’s going to ‘calm down’ since we even fell pregnant. He currently is out at the pub 2-3 times a week until at least midnight then usually carries on drinking in the living room and falls asleep there (rather him there than waking me up to be fair!).

My Social life has obviously completely changed since being pregnant, especially now I’m feeling so exhausted and uncomfortable. I find myself home alone 2-3 nights a week now. Not the end of the world as I’m having a lot of early nights but still quite lonely. Not to mention the fact that I’d be on my own if something were to happen.

Granted, he is usually only at the pub over the road so he’s not exactly far, but he obviously wouldn’t be much support or able to drive me in an emergency or if I went into labour. He has one final night out ‘in the diary’ for a friend’s big birthday next week (I’ll be 37+) in London around an hour away and he is notoriously bad for not checking his phone / being uncontactable for hours when he’s out so I’m feeling quite anxious about that in case something happens. My family are an hour away so if anything urgent happened I’d probably have to uber to the hospital alone - traumatic or what!!

our consultant yesterday even said to keep drinks to 1-2 now as ‘anything can happen at any point’ yet today he’s got the day off work and is already at the pub (it’s 4pm at the time of writing) despite the fact we have an NCT class later on this evening - how embarrassing if he turns up to that pissed!!

I just don’t know what to do. The goalpost of when he’s supposedly stopping drinking keeps moving. I’m fully resentful that I’ve not had a drink since August and have managed just fine yet he can’t do a few weeks. It’s pathetic!! As I say - the only contingency plan we have if something happens and he’s unable to drive is to get a taxi to hospital which I’m really not keen on the idea of - especially if I’d have to do it alone / with a useless pissed man! I’ve told him I don’t want him around if I’m in labour and he’s been drinking - I’ll have my mum & sister instead.

He agrees to all of these things and told he wouldn’t be drinking any more before baby is born (aside from friend’s birthday) but that just goes out the window as soon as the sun is out and he fancies a beer! I have no issue with him having a drink or two but it’s never just ‘a beer’ he always takes it too far and I’m just starting to feel anxious that I’m going to be in a situation where I won’t be supported when I need it the most. He’s promised once baby is born he won’t be drinking or going out but he’s not exactly kept any of his drinking related promises until now so I’m not hopeful. Feeling really anxious for the PP period, as I say I don’t have family super close by.

has anyone been through anything similar? Did the penny eventually drop? Any advice?

thanks in advance :(

His first child wasn't enough to 'do better' for good- why would this child ?

Part of being a good parent is being the best version of yourself so you can provide safety and security for your child. This man isn't doing that. You're fooling yourself if you think he will.

Yes, many years ago. The ex lost his fine motors skills quite a few years back now and is living on borrowed time due to various alcohol related illnesses and I’m so glad I put a stop to it all when my daughter was only months old. He hasn’t seen any of his children for over 5 years now and they’ve no clue where he is - and don’t particularly care. I hope the penny drops very soon.

Also, I can practically guarantee you will be humiliated at the hospital, so take this opportunity to take control now. Speak with your parents. Very best of luck.

Sorry @may25mama i have to agree with PPs - he is extremely unlikely to stop drinking once the baby comes. In fact, it will likely get worse as he will want an “escape” and you will be even more tied to him.

You might as well start planning life without him. Don’t let him worm his way back in - if he is serious about stopping, he can do that on his own, with you at your parents or whatever. Then if he can do a year sober, maybe you can reconcile as a couple. But I doubt that will happen.

And I say this as the problem drinker in our family - he has to stop for him or else he’ll never rehabilitate.

I honestly feel you’d be better off on your own without having to cope with an alcoholic, as well as a new baby. Time to make some decisions. If he can’t stop now on doctor’s advice, it’s unlikely he’ll be able to stop or massively cut down.

Careful leaving the baby with him. Drunks don’t understand, he could seriously harm your child.

He’s unlikely to change.

Make sure whatever you do that the baby gets your surname, or you’ll be regretting that the rest of your life.

Does he drive the day after he has been drinking?

It is heartbreaking for you as this time is when most women feel vulnerable.

How old is he? Does his drinking impact his work? I can't see how it doesn't if he drinks until late in the night. He may have a very high tolerance which is why he appears to cope but age will eventually catch up on him.

People who drink excessively and break promises to a partner are immature and selfish. When he is drinking he isn't thinking about you and that will be the same for your new baby.

Others have said, don't give the baby his name, this might feel very harsh but on few years you will understand why it makes sense as I think you will be raising your baby alone. Perhaps he will step-up for a few weeks but he has proven over a long period that change isn't sustainable.

Quite simply he prefers pub time than time with you. Harsh to hear but that is likely to be the reality.

I've been there. I hung on for a few years but the best decision I made was to leave. No child can grow up healthy with a drinking parent.

Consider where you could live once you go back to work as it may prove difficult to move later.

If you're not married, OP, you don't have to put his name on the birth cert and he can only gain part tal rights if he does a DNA test and goes through the courts to establish his rights.

I would seriously consider whether you want to have to consult an alcoholic on important matters related to your baby / child / teen.

Wasted 10 years, 10 YEARS, with an alcoholic waiting for him to "stop drinking".

I left with 2 DC and £2 in my bank account in the end.

Don't be like me.

Time is of the essence at 36 weeks. If your mums is an hour away from the hospital that’s not great to move in there. Could you kick him out for a bit and ask her to move in with you? Is there a friend that could be on call? Could you look at a doula?

Well done for tackling this now OP. My exH was just as you describe. It didn’t get better and we separated before my DD was 1yr old. It doesn’t sound like him stopping drinking for a few weeks because you are near due date would solve this. He sounds like someone alcohol dependent with very little ability to think of the needs of others, that’s not good parent material.

Ah OP from your update you do seem like you have your head screwed on.

Problems with drinking only get worse when a baby arrives not better in my experience

I can't believe you are having a baby with this drunk. He will never change, he is not relationship or father material.

Aah sending you virtual hugs. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. It is such a special time and you should be excited thinking about your imminent new arrival but instead, your partner is worrying you sick with his drinking and that’s really not acceptable.

All the advice you’ve been given is spot on.

Perhaps you could ask your mum to come stay with you and explain to him that history shows that he’s not going to change and you need support from here on in and he’s not up to it. Albeit he’s promised before to make changes they’ve not lasted, and it is seemingly impossible to trust him again. You say he’s great the rest of the time, but are you prepared to accept him the way he is forever because if you don’t want to leave him, that’s what you’ll need to do.

If he cancels his London trip then that’s a start, but a huge commitment to change needs to be lasting. At the end of the day, he has to want to stop boozing, and do you think that he does? As it sounds like he keeps postponing his start date to moderate or abstain.

I hope you feel better for sharing 💖🌸

xx

Thats because a lot of us have been in ops shoes and lived the life.

how are you op? Obviously had the baby now? Have things changed at all?

I agree with you...... but to be fair alcoholism is a disease/illness......I'm sure he doesn't want to be like that, but he does need to seek help

Zombie

He was an alcoholic before, during, and will be one when you have the child. He is an alcoholic; they dont stop because someone tells them to. You must know this?

You cannot count on him at all. He wont be there for either you or the baby.
Sorry but fantastic dads dont behave like this. They are reliable and present which he isnt being for you. He sounds like a disney dad.
You will basically be a single mum.
Good for you going to your parents. Its for the best.

How are things a year on @may25mama

hopefully the birth went well and you split with partner and didn’t put him on the birth certificate /or give child his name