A cry for help

[newme2025]

I have drunk a bottle of wine (sometimes more) most nights for years. I successfully completed Dry January 2025 with the help and support of this forum. In February I started drinking three or four days a week (did 14 days sober) and now in March, I’m drinking four days a week and am drinking at least a bottle again on those nights.

I’m so ashamed of myself, especially because I know I’m setting a terrible example to the DC, who often see me with a glass of wine in my hand. DH and I sometimes have rows when we’ve been drinking and I know this hugely upsets the kids if they overhear.

I desperately need to stop drinking but have dreadful social anxiety - I’ve had it since I was at primary school and have tried therapy and medication. The latter did help somewhat. I also use alcohol to drown out feelings of self-loathing and general anxiety over life and the future.

This morning I’ve woken feeling absolutely awful from drinking heavily yesterday. I drank so much that I have no memory of getting home. I was hoping after Dry January that I could moderate, but am clearly unable to. I’ve got to the point where I absolutely need to stop, but I’m scared to make the leap to full time sobriety and what it will mean for my friendships. I also worry I’ll have no way of escaping anxious thoughts or unwinding after a hard day at work. Please help.

Well done for doing dry January and realising that you have a problem with alcohol.

That's a big step in the right direction

Ask your DH to support you in giving up drinking but don't take it out on him if you stumbled .

Have you spoken to your gp about it ? If not I think it would be a good idea , they can give you ( if you need it ) the medical support.

Getting to the route of why you drink is important so I think going back to therapy would help.

Finding other things to do when the craving hits will help but it will still be tough. Try yoga, gym , bike rides , baking.
Find a AF alternative drink that you like , unfortunately I know there aren't many good wines but there are lots of larger , cider, gin and some rums out there that are very nice.

Be honest with friends when you go out , tell them you are cutting down/ out alcohol. Good friends will support you and not make a huge fuss.
Bad friends will try to get you to have ' just one' , 'don't be boring ' , 'my granny drank xyz and lived to be 100'

Kick that bunch of people to the kerb , you definitely don't need them in your life.

Will your journey be easy ? No probably not.
Will your journey be worth it ? Absolutely 100% .

Just leap. Honestly, feeling socially anxious is never going to feel as bad as hating yourself for being a drunk mess. Once you get sober, a lot of the anxiety and self-loathing will start to fade away.

You may not be someone who loves going out and being in social situations. That’s fine. I wouldn’t say I have social anxiety, I just don’t really enjoy people and being in crowded places. It doesn’t make me anxious if I am. I’d just rather be at home alone. 😂 So sober me just doesn’t do stuff I don’t want to do. Dh can go do stuff if he wants. I may go for a bit. I leave when I get bored and I don’t apologise for it. It’s a small price to pay for my health and my happiness and my wellbeing.

You’ve done Dry January and you are able to have some drink free days in the week, so there’s no reason you can’t make it happen if you want to. It’s hard to imagine now how much better your life will be, but you just have to trust it and leap.

feeling socially anxious is never going to feel as bad as hating yourself for being a drunk mess.

Thank you. I’m feeling horrendous tonight, physically and mentally, so this really resonates. I never thought of it that way before.

One day at a time. Honestly. You will feel sooo much less anxious kicking drink to the kerb. Don’t worry about the social stuff just now. You will feel less anxious and that will help hugely. You’re doing a great thing for you, your marriage and your kids.

Listen to some sober podcasts, get some nice alcohol free drinks in, change up your habits so things feel different. Think of your trigger points and think of ways to mitigate them.

I’m better company sober- a better listener and talk less crap.

Oh and the relief of being out of the cycle of drinking, trying to moderate, failing and self loathing is huge. The headspace it takes up.

Good luck OP and keep posting.

It sounds like your husband also drinks so it will be important to have a really honest conversation with him about it and how you feel it’s affecting you, him and your family.

That will help you decide the next steps. You will need people around you who will support you and not undermine your efforts or make you feel ashamed of what has happened in the past or if you slip. It’s brave of you to acknowledge that things are not right and need to change.

But whatever happens remember that you can’t change the past, but you can control what happens today. You have recently done dry January so you know you can do it!

You have recently done dry January so you know you can do it!

I did but found it a huge struggle. I was counting down the days until February 1st.

I’m in aa , 9 years sober. I was horribly socially anxious when I went in but am completely different now. Having to do meetings really helped as did the gentle kind of social interactions I only get in recovery from people who truly understand me. I’d highly recommend trying an aa meeting. I never thought I’d want to stop drinking, I just couldn’t stay stopped but I don’t think about drinking and have no desire to drink at all and haven’t for years. I wish you well. The hardest thing was admitting I had a problem and going to my first meeting. After that I just kept doing the next right thing and I’ve never been happier.

That’s ok. You did it. And you learned something from it, about yourself and your relationship with alcohol.

What do you think got you through it?

What can you use from that experience to help you now?

Everyone that I know that’s had an issue with drink and have managed to stop had several false starts before sobriety stuck.
you will get there if it is what you want - even if it takes a good few try’s.

DJ did teach me a lot - including that I can do social situations without alcohol albeit finding them very hard. In other ways it was better being sober, because I never woke up wondering what god awful thing I might have said or who I offended whilst drunk.

Posting on a dry January thread on this board is what got me through, plus a non-drinking app. I couldn’t have done it without those two things.

What I am ashamed to admit is that I’ve had so many extreme rock bottom moments - probably about 15 - from drinking too much alcohol during my late 20s and 30s alone. But even then, I’ve gone back to drinking. Now I have DC though and I owe it to them not to do this.

I’m not going to drink today.

@newme2025 one day at a time OP. It’s not a linear process. 2 steps forward one back sometimes. But self reflection is so valuable. It sounds like you’re good at doing that. Keep moving forwards. No one is perfect so don’t beat yourself up. I did some crazy stuff back then too. Another time, another person.

You’re still further forward that you were in January.

One day at a time.

How would you feel about talking to your doctor?

They might suggest blood tests to see how your liver is doing. Liver damage can often be reversed with abstinence.

OP you either want to stop or you don't. You say you were counting down the days in Dry January so you obviously don't.

Your first step is to see your GP and discuss your drinking and anxiety. Have a check up and see if there are other reasons for your anxiety such as vitamin deficiencies. Heavy drinkers are often low in B vitamins which creates anxiety.

Look into therapy to tackle your anxiety and drinking. You might find CBT helpful as it challenges your thoughts. You can find therapists at BACP.

Ask your GP about local support groups such as AA. Focus on a goal to take your mind off drinking.

@Maitri108
OP you either want to stop or you don't.

Just wanted to point out that that’s not always the case. It’s normal to be conflicted. I was. Still here 5 years in and haven’t drunk in all that time. But I was very torn and conflicted and confused at the beginning. The black and white you either do or you don’t isn’t helpful I don’t think (to be fair the rest of your post is very helpful).

OP you either want to stop or you don't. You say you were counting down the days in Dry January so you obviously don't.

You clearly didn’t read my original post properly. As I explained, I wanted to moderate after January but since starting to drink again in February, I’ve realised that is something I’m incapable of doing.

I don’t want to discuss drinking with my GP either - I absolutely don’t want this on my medical records. As I also said in my OP, I tried therapy already and it did very little to help my anxiety. I will see the doctor about renewing my anxiety meds prescription though as that did help.

How are you doing today, @newme2025 ?

You mentioned you were counting down the days til Feb. I wonder if it would help to reframe what alcohol actually does for you? I highly recommend Alcohol Explained and The Easy Way for Women to Quit Drinking. Once you understand exactly what alcohol is doing to your brain it might make it easier to quit. It's likely causing a lot of the problems you're using it to escape from. Alcohol will be seriously contributing to your anxiety so even if it gives momentary relief it overall makes it so much worse, even in the moments the drink wears off so you have the next one... Alcohol creates a need for itself.

@Darker Thanks for asking. I’m on my second day of abstinence and am feeling like crap thanks to a nasty bug that I’ve picked up. Am also feeling very scared and daunted but also strangely relieved to have finally accepted (after so many years) that I am not capable of moderating and will therefore need to quit drinking entirely.

Well done on staying abstinent yesterday and today. It’s a really big step to accept that drinking in moderation isn’t for you.

Don’t be surprised if you feel crap for a bit. You will feel the benefits soon.

Well done @newme2025
instead of counting down like dry Jan, count up! In 10 days that’ll be March nearly done. 14 days, buy yourself a treat. A month, a day out somewhere, and so on. Good luck - you can do it!

Hi OP, I'm so impressed with what you are doing. I wanted to recommend the podcast Over the Influence, the hosts are really down to earth. One of them is a bbc radio journalist she is like one of those old fashioned DJs I listened to in the 1980s, super positive and happy, sort like a friend who is always in a good mood.
Being alcohol free is a really great thing to be. The depression and anxiety you are describing is probably caused by drinking alcohol. Also you won't notice the positive effects of not drinking until you have done 3 months. You just have to hang on and believe.
Alcohol is a very nasty drug you don't need it. You need it gone!

I agree it’s helpful to try and reframe it - what are you gaining rather than what are you losing.

PS there is an element of grief as it’s like saying goodbye to an old friend. But it’s a nasty friend who does you no favours. I found the one day at a time thing more helpful.