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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Partner starting AA

34 replies

Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 10:23

Good morning,

I'm looking for some advice and would be grateful of experience that anyone would be willing to share.

My partner started to go to AA yesterday, it's not his first time but it's the first time since we have been together. Before this he was very drunk since last September. I don't know much about AA and I would like to check a couple of things with people who have experience. He told me that after the meeting some of the members told him in the carpark not to stop drinking immediately but to do it slowly. I understand this, but is it likely that after a meeting several people would tell him this?

Also, he wants me to be his sponsor, is this wise? Has anyone sponsored their partner and found it useful? I want to support him but i can see positives and negatives in being his sponsor. I would really appreciate hearing others opinions and experiences of it. I fear that this will become another platform where he can speak with impunity and I have no safe space to respond.

Any advice on this process will be very welcome, thank you for reading.

OP posts:
tinydynamine · 26/02/2025 14:33

If he is a heavy drinker, physically addicted then stopping suddenly could be highly problematic. So it's possible his fellow AA attendees have jut given him very good advice.

NavyTiger · 26/02/2025 14:37

Is your partner Alcohol dependent that would be a only reason for him to not completely stop straight away also i thought sponsors were those who attend AA and have managed to abstain from Alcohol i could be wrong.

Original poster
Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 15:19

Thanks for your response. Yes, I know that stopping suddenly can be dangerous, I've read a lot and we've gone through it several times unfortunately. I don't trust him where alcohol is concerned and I find it hard to believe that they would say this which is basically giving him permission to drink. That was yesterday and today he has finished 1/4 bottle of spirits and bought 2 more.... That I know about, so likely more. I also read that the sponsor should be someone who understands AA. I have had issues with alcohol in the past too but since I became pregnant with my daughter 6 years ago it has been easy to abstain. I do drink but very seldom, the last time was around Halloween.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 15:21

For the last 6 months he drinks spirits as soon as he wakes up, usually until he passes out in the afternoon and repeat when he wakes up.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 26/02/2025 15:25

I have 30 years of sobriety and was in AA for many years.

You cannot be his sponsor. A sponsor is someone who is in the program and understands what AA teaches and how it works.

If he's drinking upon waking, he's heavily addicted and experiencing withdrawal symptoms when he dries out. He needs to see his doctor to do a medically supervised detox program, possibly inpatient.

Edited to add that the best way for you to support him is to let him know that you won't enable him to drink without consequence (by calling him in sick at his job, for example), but will support him as he seeks help. He alone must do it, but he needs peer support (AA or similar) and medical support, as it's a disease.

Chronic drinking has changed the neurochemistry in his brain.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

He alone must do it, but he cannot do it alone.

Happy to answer any questions.

Wolfhat · 26/02/2025 15:29

Hello, no you should not be his sponsor. His sponsor should not be an immediate family member or partner. He can get one through AA. They should have been clear about this. If he says they said its fine for it to be you then either he is lying or its not a reputable group and he should find another.

Stopping cold turkey can be dangerous but if he drinks enough that withdrawal is a worry, it should be done under medical supervision or in rehab. He cannot cut down gradually by himself if he is physically dependent. Its a lie drinkers say to prolong drinking (for the most part). Contact GP and addiction services.

You should get yourself to Al Anon. Its for loved ones of alcoholics, they will have been through it all and can offer lived advice and it a safe space for you.

My advice - detach with love. You may still love the person but you cannot fix them, you cannot save them, they will blame you, say you aren't helping, youre the reason they drink etc. its all to protect their ability to continue to drink. Understand they have to help themselves.

Many people use AA as an excuse to keep drinking, 'I am trying, Im going to meetings' while continuing to drink.

theemmadilemma · 26/02/2025 15:44

The not stopping part is plausible. I did an NHS Detox and as part of the lead up counselling, I was reducing with support, not stopping.

The you as a Sponsor as you can see is a big NO.

I always add this info on these threads just in case it's useful, as it's not well publicised.

You can have a 10 day at home rehab free (bar prescription costs) on the NHS.

I've been sober since Sept 2019, and have never looked back.

You have to refer to your local substance abuse centre. Some will let you self refer, some may require Dr referal. At mine the counsellors were ex addicts which made it super easy to be open.

You can find them here www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/find-an-alcohol-addiction-service/location.
Avoid CGL they seem to direct to Detox UK who will charge. If you struggle to get free help, these can help: Dear Albert can help: www.dearalbert.co.uk/nhs-alcohol-detox/.

I did around 3 months counselling once a week prior and again after. 10 day at home detox with family support.

The medication made physical withdrawal smooth and easy to the point I didn't have a single side effect.

Original poster
Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 15:51

Thank you very much for these replies. We are in a foreign country so we don't have access to any help, just AA. We have been through him stopping before but the longest times was 5 days, there's always an excuse for more. I've watched him try to reduce by himself and as pp said it quickly becomes an excuse to continue. I don't think the AA gave him permission to take me, he just thinks it's a good idea.

OP posts:
joysexreno · 26/02/2025 15:54

There may be Al-Anon groups in your area. Highly recommend this!

Original poster
Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 15:57

Thank you for letting me know it isn't appropriate for me to be his sponsor. I has a bad feeling about it and can see it could potentially cause problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 16:01

I will look for an Al Anon, I feel very isolated.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 26/02/2025 16:05

He should talk to his doctor about withdrawal. Overseeing his own detox is destined for failure.

you absolutely can’t be his sponsor. If he persists with ideas like this you need to end the relationship. You can not be responsible for his sobriety in any way. A romantic partner should never feel responsible for the emotional stability of an alcoholic.

Original poster
Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 16:13

These posts confirm my feelings and apprehension. I feel more confident having read these. I am not the correct person to do this and I have no obligation. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

OP posts:
HelloCheekyCat · 26/02/2025 17:20

Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 15:21

For the last 6 months he drinks spirits as soon as he wakes up, usually until he passes out in the afternoon and repeat when he wakes up.

Not reAlly the point of the thread but is this really the life you want for yourself and presumably your DD? Do you live together?
don't you think you deserve a decent partner who doesn't drink like this? Because you do

Wolfhat · 26/02/2025 17:21

There is a really supportive community on here so keep posting if it's helpful. Loving someone with an addiction is so hard and they can drag you down with them as they will do anything to keep drinking. Sounds like youve been around this a few times. Prioritise yourself and your daughter, if that means leaving then do so without guilt. You cannot save them, they have to want help.

Addiction is a bitch and someone said to me once, 'it isnt their fault, but it is their responsibility.' Ignore words, its actions that matter.

CreationNat1on · 26/02/2025 17:28

Why are you with him?

Original poster
Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 23:37

CreationNat1on · 26/02/2025 17:28

Why are you with him?

I came home this evening and calmly told him it was over. He was of course drunk so I've done it 3 times so far and I can muster up one more for the morning if necessary.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 26/02/2025 23:45

Come on, OP, you have one life and you can't spend it with a man like this. You really really can't. When you leave him and live independently you will feel such a huge relief. You can't cure him now or ever. He will reach rock bottom much quicker without you. Until he does reach rock bottom he will not heal himself.

Thunderpants88 · 26/02/2025 23:52

Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 23:37

I came home this evening and calmly told him it was over. He was of course drunk so I've done it 3 times so far and I can muster up one more for the morning if necessary.

Show quote history

Do you mean it?

Original poster
Rainpigeon · 27/02/2025 00:37

Yes, I did it. It was getting too much and affecting my daughter. We've spoken about that many times in the last few months and it hasn't been improving.ubfather was an alcoholic and my mum to a lesser extent. I don't want that for my daughter, she has already seen more than she deserves to. Now I have to be strong because I cant go back and I'm grieving, I suppose.

OP posts:
Thunderpants88 · 27/02/2025 02:10

Rainpigeon · 27/02/2025 00:37

Yes, I did it. It was getting too much and affecting my daughter. We've spoken about that many times in the last few months and it hasn't been improving.ubfather was an alcoholic and my mum to a lesser extent. I don't want that for my daughter, she has already seen more than she deserves to. Now I have to be strong because I cant go back and I'm grieving, I suppose.

Good for you! She deserves so much better.

does your dP work?

Original poster
Rainpigeon · 27/02/2025 07:47

No, he's worked about one week in the last 6 months, apart from that been scrounging off his family, who are now also done with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainpigeon · 27/02/2025 07:49

I'm so upset but I know i need to do this. He's been torturing me for a long time and like an idiot I've been hanging on hoping things will go back to normal but they won't. And even if they did I don't think I will ever feel the magic with him again.

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 27/02/2025 07:58

You should have left him years ago . What sort of home life is that for children.
Stop worrying about magic with him again and worry about the longterm effects this has probably already had on your child

Wolfhat · 27/02/2025 08:30

Unless you have been in a relationship with an alcoholic you can't judge. Addicts are not straight-forward bad people. They can be wonderful and clever and kind and they are slowly stripped of everything they were through this poison. Of course, people try and help them and all too often get pulled down alongside. It creeps in slowly, frog boiled alive.

Well done @Rainpigeon you may not feel like celebrating but grieving, both are ok, anything you are feeling from guilt to relief is ok.

The games will begin now. I'll change, I can't lose you. Ok prove it, come back to me in a year after you medically detoxed, been to rehab and got your year AA chip.
Well without you I have nothing to live for, I'm going to drink more and kill myself. Ok, I can't stop you but you have so much to live for, seek help from someone who isn't me, here are numbers.
Well good, it was your fault I was drinking anyway. Youre ugly, youre nothing, noone will love you, Im better off. Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way but if it does mean you can now get sober then great. i want what is best for you and our daughter and that is a sober father. We do not have to have a relationship.

Brace yourself and real life support. Al anon https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/ - helpline.