Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Partner starting AA

34 replies

Rainpigeon · 26/02/2025 10:23

Good morning,

I'm looking for some advice and would be grateful of experience that anyone would be willing to share.

My partner started to go to AA yesterday, it's not his first time but it's the first time since we have been together. Before this he was very drunk since last September. I don't know much about AA and I would like to check a couple of things with people who have experience. He told me that after the meeting some of the members told him in the carpark not to stop drinking immediately but to do it slowly. I understand this, but is it likely that after a meeting several people would tell him this?

Also, he wants me to be his sponsor, is this wise? Has anyone sponsored their partner and found it useful? I want to support him but i can see positives and negatives in being his sponsor. I would really appreciate hearing others opinions and experiences of it. I fear that this will become another platform where he can speak with impunity and I have no safe space to respond.

Any advice on this process will be very welcome, thank you for reading.

OP posts:

Cunningfungus · 27/02/2025 08:38

MissConductUS · 26/02/2025 15:25

I have 30 years of sobriety and was in AA for many years.

You cannot be his sponsor. A sponsor is someone who is in the program and understands what AA teaches and how it works.

If he's drinking upon waking, he's heavily addicted and experiencing withdrawal symptoms when he dries out. He needs to see his doctor to do a medically supervised detox program, possibly inpatient.

Edited to add that the best way for you to support him is to let him know that you won't enable him to drink without consequence (by calling him in sick at his job, for example), but will support him as he seeks help. He alone must do it, but he needs peer support (AA or similar) and medical support, as it's a disease.

Chronic drinking has changed the neurochemistry in his brain.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

He alone must do it, but he cannot do it alone.

Happy to answer any questions.

Edited

💯 this 👆.

This is one of the best posts I have read on this forum - someone who actually knows what they’re talking about and offers sensible, helpful/non-reactive advice.

@MissConductUS congrats on 30 years. I’m actually 30 days today but planning/hoping to emulate you. Have tried the moderation bus umpteen times but finally I think it is sinking in that I just cannot drink alcohol in a non-problematic way (I won’t say a “healthy” way as there is no healthy level of drinking bar one Baileys at Christmas).

FusionChefGeoff · 27/02/2025 08:44

I came home after my first meeting and told DH that 'they' had told me I might not stop straight away and it could take up to 3 months.

I was TERRIFIED about living without booze so wasn't quite ready but at the same time I absolutely knew I was beaten and had to stop but needed help.

However, I kept going to meetings - 3-5 a week consistently even though I was still drinking. I was drinking a LOT less naturally and slowly, with the support of AA, I was able to change how I viewed the world and it became much less scary.

About 6 weeks after starting in AA I had my last drink.

All you can do is look after yourself and your child and just keep signposting him back to AA if he comes to you - hopefully you leaving will be his 'rock Bottom' which will hopefully help his recovery.

Original poster

Rainpigeon · 27/02/2025 08:47

Thank you wolfhat, yes everything you said has happened. I had to stop him from jumping out the window last night as well as the rest. As you say it creeps in, it took me some time to realize how abusive he was being to me, and then a few weeks ago it started to become clear. As they are fond of saying in aibu, when someone shows you their colours believe it! We are in a bad situation now, my daughter and I are alone in a foreign country and I'm only working part-time since he has obstructed everything in my life over the last 6 months, but it's better. I feel really sad for what we could have had but I also feel freedom and determination to take care of my daughter and survive.

OP posts:

HelenWheels · 27/02/2025 08:51

can you persuade him to see a doctor for medically managed detox?

Isometimeswonder · 27/02/2025 08:56

I applaud everyone who has got sober. I appreciate how hard this is.
@Rainpigeon Please don't try to sponsor etc, this MUST be done by an experienced AA person.
Good luck, but please consider what's best for you and your child.
It's hard being 2nd place to booze in someone's life.

Original poster

Rainpigeon · 27/02/2025 09:37

HelenWheels · 27/02/2025 08:51

can you persuade him to see a doctor for medically managed detox?

I've tried many times. It's over now. I won't help him again. I've put in so much effort, a majority of which I don't think he can even remember. It's finished.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 27/02/2025 13:09

Cunningfungus · 27/02/2025 08:38

💯 this 👆.

This is one of the best posts I have read on this forum - someone who actually knows what they’re talking about and offers sensible, helpful/non-reactive advice.

Show quote history

Thanks for your kind words, and congratulations on your 30 days!

It gets much easier after the first 2-3 months. First, the physical addiction fades as your neurochemisty adjusts back to normal, then you have to unlearn all of the drinking related habits you acquired.

Getting sober was both the hardest and the best thing I've ever done.

MissConductUS · 27/02/2025 14:03

Rainpigeon · 27/02/2025 09:37

I've tried many times. It's over now. I won't help him again. I've put in so much effort, a majority of which I don't think he can even remember. It's finished.

Show quote history

I think that's wise.

Ponderingwindow · 27/02/2025 16:38

Please stand strong for your child’s sake. The damage that comes from growing up in a home with an alcoholic can not be ignored. The sooner you get her out of this situation the better.

Flip

1 2