i’m getting close to leaving

[Tryingtobe123]

i’ve posted many a time before looking for support

over the years my partner (of 10 years) has hidden his drinking, empty beer cans everywhere, falling asleep downstairs with cans in his hand, bleary eyed, stinking of drink

when i was 4 months post partum from having our daughter i found he’d been messaging brothels/local prostitutes. he blamed it on the drink and poor mental head space etc so i said. probably wrongly, that he was to stop drinking

he did for a bit (5 days lol) and joined the gym. he’s still going to the gym, but is now back to drinking every night (and smoking weed)

his mood is shit, he’s miserable half the time and has a short temper with our children which drives me fucking mad cos they’re only young

in the past i haven’t felt ready but i think i am now, i dont think im going to mention anything just yet but quietly make plans to leave. i cant keep trying to control his drinking, he obviously cant stop

just looking for reassurance that my children will be okay not having their daddy home everyday as i feel like im ruining their lives as i lay here worrying at 2:30am 😂

I can 100% reassure you that your children will not be worse off if you leave. If you haven't done any reading into the effect of alcoholism on children, then please do.

Have you been checked for STDs? Men who visit sex workers often have a lifelong habit.

@Ladyj84 do you not think i know that? do you think jumping on a post and making comments like this when someone is quite obviously struggling is going to help?

thanks @username299 i know deep down it’s the right thing to do. he’s very manipulative and has said all the right things to make me stay in the past. i haven’t been checked but i know i need to

If you leave your children will grow up in a household where they are safe because the adult in the house is sober. It will be calm and stable because the adult in the house prioritises them not drink or weed. They will be happier because they do not grow up treading in eggshells because one adult has a substance problem and associated mood disorders.

you know you have to leave. Every day you stay in The house is damaging to you and your children. Give them their childhood back and get out as soon as you can.

I think your children will be much better off not sharing a house with a bad tempered drunk. Get your plans in place, get some legal advice and leave.

Yes leave. He is showing no desire to change and staying will damage your children far more than leaving. Good luck and well done for making that decision.

@Ladyj84 you should be ashamed of yourself. This situation is not OPs fault. No one chooses this situation and your lack no empathy is gross. Say nothing rather than be cruel.

OP sorry you're going through this. I think if you're done making plans quietly to leave is a good one. You're children will 100% be better out of this situation. Hopefully your partner gets the support they require from elsewhere. Solidarity to you

If you leave things will proably feel worse for a while and your kids may find it hard initally. But long term you will be doing the best you can for them. Even a quiet functional loving alcoholic parent does harm to their kids witnessing and dealing their addiction and he's not that. My dad drank a lot when we were kids, he was a quiet drunk and a loving father, my DB still became an alcoholic and used drugs and nearly killed himself drunk driving. I felt I had to look out for my dad, protect him from the things he couldn’t cope with. I ended up in an abusive relationship because of the mental patterns formed being a young carer and putting myself last. Even loving alcoholics do damage, you're kids are better off away from him and so are you. They need to feel safe and be able to be kids.

This is so horrible. Shame on you.

You have made the decision now and stick by it. He is short with the children. It does not take much more from verbal abuse of the child to a whollop so don’t keep your children in this environment. Being short tempered can lead to a form of emotional abuse.
Your children will ultimately be happier with one happy parent in a safe calm house rather than two in a house with substance abuse.
Do you have somewhere to go? Is the property yours? If not contact Women’s Aid for advice and help. Are you married? Get all your ducks in a row and leave. Sort out finances, disconnect any joint bank accounts if you have any. Get all important papers together so you have them, birth certificates, bills, private papers.
Look after yourself and your children

Your children will be much better off if you minimize the time they spend with an alcoholic. The absolutely best thing you can do for them is to leave.

You don't have one reason to stay with this man and every reason to leave him. You will feel a lot lighter and happier without him. It will be much better for your DC to be without him around every day.

Asking if your children will be ok NOT living with a nasty drunk is the wrong question.

@Difficultwill i do have somewhere to go but the thought of moving the kids there feels very stressful. we own the home together however i paid the deposit, luckily this is noted in the mortgage that i put the entire deposit in. we aren’t married, we’re engaged but i have told him i don’t feel like marriage will ever be on the cards now. i feel guilty this morning, he’s none the wiser on how im feeling. but i just don’t know if i can keep going on like this. i noticed 2 empty beer cans in the bin this morning, i didn’t go looking i just noticed. but there is 1 can brand that is out of a pack of 4 so where are the other 3 is my question…my mum thinks i should try one last time to get him help or try some couples therapy but i’ve been trying for so long now im tired of the same thing happening. its great that hes trying to better himself and go to the gym but i feel like im the one that gets the shit deal here as now i have even less time to myself as he’s there and unable to help with the kids as much and STILL drinking and doing the things he used to

‘Daddy’ is drunk, stoned and unfaithful, not to mention bad tempered and off prioritising his hobbies over family life. It really doesn’t sound like they will be missing out.
Can you afford the house on your own if he paid child support? If not it then go with your plan b to move everyone - it will be much better for them long term to live in a calm sober household. Good luck.

Your mum needs to beak out. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. Can you afford to buy him out of the property and pay the mortgage yourself?

@Miloarmadillo2 i don’t think i could, i went part time and self employed when i had my son. so my income isn’t great. i’m really worried about how ill afford to give the kids a good life and afford to live

You're doing the right thing @Tryingtobe123 . You and your children deserve a better life than tiptoeing around your partner's addictions.

so update -

i tried to speak with him and he has got his back up with me. body language was awful, immediate crossed arms. said he hasn’t lied to me about drinking even though 2 nights ago he told me he had 1 bottle and then i found 4 empty cans the next day, said its not as bad as it was etc. is making me feel bad because he’s cleaned the house today, like i’ve been sat on my arse doing nothing

i co sleep with my daughter because she’s breastfed and only 11 months and he’s blamed that for his drinking, cos he’s lonely and bored

@Ladyj84 you are on the alcohol support board, the clue’s in the name.

OP, the best thing you can do for your kids is to get this man out of their lives. Hopefully it will be the wake up call he needs. Don’t let him weasel his way back in, it’s quite clear that alcohol is his priority.

thanks for the support @ThriveIn2025 since speaking to him tonight he can’t seem to bear to be in the same room as me now. so i’m the bad guy somehow?

someone please reassure me that i’m NOT being dramatic about this behaviour? its not normal to drink 4-6 beers every single night is it?! the way im being made to feel is like im being dramatic, that its no big deal

OP I can say with absolute confidence that you will never change your husband and he won't change unless he wants to. He obviously doesn't want to.

Anyone can say anything and addicts tend to be manipulative. They don't take responsibility for their behaviour and you're obviously codependent.

You need to judge people on what they do, not what they say. Words are cheap. The atmosphere in your house is very unhealthy and you have to get your children out of there.

Stop making him the centre of your universe and focus on your children. They deserve a calm loving house and stability.

You aren't overreacting and leaving is the best possible thing you could do.

@Tryingtobe123 if you search me you’ll find me all over this board and no, it’s not normal. Hiding alcohol. Falling downstairs. Lying about how much he drinks.

When I Ieft my DH I had to move into the box room of a shared house. With strangers. I had no possessions. I had no vehicle. I had to live there for a year to be able to afford anywhere. It would still be better than living with this -

his mood is shit, he’s miserable half the time and has a short temper with our children

You can’t get him help. He has to make the decision and get himself the help he needs xx He doesn’t sound like he wants to. He will keep drinking - because he wants to. There isn’t any more to it than that unfortunately.

i’m just so worried about upsetting everyone

over the years i’ve been made to feel like drinking everyday is normal and i suppose ive been manipulated to feel as though im in the wrong here. and every time i confront him im the one left feeling like the bad guy