i’m getting close to leaving

[Tryingtobe123]

i’ve posted many a time before looking for support

over the years my partner (of 10 years) has hidden his drinking, empty beer cans everywhere, falling asleep downstairs with cans in his hand, bleary eyed, stinking of drink

when i was 4 months post partum from having our daughter i found he’d been messaging brothels/local prostitutes. he blamed it on the drink and poor mental head space etc so i said. probably wrongly, that he was to stop drinking

he did for a bit (5 days lol) and joined the gym. he’s still going to the gym, but is now back to drinking every night (and smoking weed)

his mood is shit, he’s miserable half the time and has a short temper with our children which drives me fucking mad cos they’re only young

in the past i haven’t felt ready but i think i am now, i dont think im going to mention anything just yet but quietly make plans to leave. i cant keep trying to control his drinking, he obviously cant stop

just looking for reassurance that my children will be okay not having their daddy home everyday as i feel like im ruining their lives as i lay here worrying at 2:30am 😂

i’m just so worried about upsetting everyone

Sounds like you've been squashing your feelings down to keep the show on the road

It's OK to prioritise yourself. You've tried prioritising your DP and he's not taken the baton

You have to do what's right for yourself now

It’s not normal, no. You’re not overreacting.

You leaving might be the kick up the arse he needs to straighten himself. It might not. But you can’t fix him. It’s not your job to drag him to therapy. He won’t admit he has a problem and prefers to blame you.

Your children will be absolutely fine. I’d hazard a guess that it’s more harmful for them to be raised in a house with an alcoholic father. Yes, it’ll be unsettling for them, like any parental split, but they’ll adjust and be better for it in the long term.

Start making plans. First stop - an appointment with a family solicitor.

thanks so much everyone i really appreciate this as im feeling so lost and confused. luckily we aren’t married, do i still need to go through a solicitor? how do i even navigate this?! who will have the kids when etc obviously im not happy about them being around him when he’s smoked or had a drink

You still need legal advice about the ownership of the property and child arrangements.

He's 'lonely and bored'? @Tryingtobe123

He's not even pretending to take accountability.

You are amazingly strong. Parenting young children with a partner that is being things actively harder....so so hard. It sounds like you're a nurturing and thoughtful mum who is trying to do the right thing

Do not put up with this for the rest of you life. No one will give you a medal for staying. Your kids won't say "thank you for staying with an alcoholic". The kids may be upset at the change initially but they have no understanding now but they will eventually.

Its so hard to leave. But so is staying with someone like your husband. Both options are hard so pick the hard that gives u control over your life again.

thanks so much @SugarSuga that brought a tear to my eye. my mum always says i’m too caring cos so many people wouldn’t have stayed this long. i just look at my son and don’t want him to turn into a carbon copy of his dad. his grandad, my partners dad is an alcoholic also and smokes weed everyday so there’s no surprise DP has turned out this way. it’s sad, aside from the booze and the hookers he’s a good dad and my son loves him. luckily i think he’s at at age where he’ll find it exciting going to 2 different houses when mummy and daddy have 1 each!

im going to have the awkward conversation tonight of ending things. so will keep you updated if you like

apart from one comment, this thread has been so so helpful and i just want to thank everyone who’s commented and shown support to this complete stranger 🩷

Unfortunately it's extremely common for addicts to try every way under the sun to blame their choices on you and make you feel like you're in the wrong.

He is trying to make your objection to his bad behaviour the problem, and it's not the problem. His bad behaviour is the problem.

He is also trying to say that his dysfunctional response to struggling with the challenges of raising young children (or in this case, not being able to think of something to do with himself while YOU raise his young children) is your fault.

It's not your fault. It's his fault. Even if he is terribly lonely and bored, there are many different choices he could make. He could have a conversation with you about introducing formula or milk (can start at 1 year) so he can do some of the feeds and you can reduce co-sleeping.

He could take up a hobby, chat to friends, sit with you while you're breastfeeding, get up earlier in the morning with the baby so you're better rested and can have some couple time in the evening. He could talk to a therapist about his feelings.

The reality is that he will have been drinking excessively long before he met you, and there's no way you 'caused' him to drink like this.

And no, 4-6 beers every night every night is definitely not normal (or healthy)... a couple of beers every few nights or at the weekend, or a few at a party on occasion would be fairly common, but actually most healthy people drink less than that, or not at all.

thanks @CheekyHobson that’s the kind of pep talk i’m needing right now as i feel close to crumbling

i’ve just been a bit upset crying (i cried infront of my 3 year old does that make me awful?!) and he paused, looked at me and then said ‘what you doing that with your face for?’ 😂 cheers matey

it’s a sad situation but i need to remember the reasons and how i’m feeling is valid it’s not a blip and i might feel different at times like my feelings will fluctuate i guess