Acknowledging my husband has a problem

[Fondantfancys]

I know the immediate advice is probably going to be leave him, think of your children, get out of there but I am 11 weeks postpartum and don’t go back to work until July. Leaving right now isn’t an option. I think I also gaslight myself into thinking it’s not that bad/things will change, so alongside seeking advice on what to do this is also my attempt at continuing to keep my eyes open to the fact that this isn’t normal and big brave decisions need to be made at some point.

I’m not sure where to start as there are years and years worth of examples of horrible behaviour, problems, arguments and vicious words caused by my husbands drinking. We’ve been together for over 13 years and met just before I turned 20, so together for all of my adult life. We have a 6 year old and an 11 week old and he’s always drunk a lot. I’ve never been a huge drinker but even more so now I rarely drink.

As I said, I have years worth of examples, but the drinking over the last couple of years has gotten more and more out of hand. I will give some examples from the last year, I was pregnant for much of this time but these problems existed before pregnancy so that’s not to blame. He’s frequently gone out during the week, let’s say a Wednesday night, and usually for a reason like the footballs on. He’s then returned approx. 5am the next day, drunk, unable to take our daughter to her before school club or regular school when he’s committed to it (this has then impacted my job), and he’s then missed work with no prior warning to them as he’s woken up hours later. He’s been beaten up and I had to drop our daughter at his mums in the early hours of the morning to get to hospital where he’s been stitched up and to talk to the police, whilst heavily pregnant. He booked a holiday to Ibiza with his mate knowing I wasn’t happy about it and didn’t want him to go, and when we discovered I was pregnant he didn’t cancel it despite me being 36 weeks pregnant when he would have gone. After a lot of upset and stress it was moved back 2 months, he still went. This caused me a lot of stress and hurt, he knew I wasn’t on board and booked it anyway, it cost a lot of money, I was heavily pregnant and left on my own to care for our eldest.

He will regularly have 3/4 pints then drive, but sometimes has drunk a lot more than this and driven. Once he starts to drink he doesn’t seem to know where the line is and he just keeps going. He can become nasty and aggressive and I dislike going out with him as it feels like the priority is drinking not spending time together, but this reluctance of mine and wanting to be safe at home and with my children has added fuel to the fire because he says I don’t understand as I don’t drink, his drinking is normal, I’m not social etc. He’s also unhappy as we don’t do things together/spend time together even though he knows I don’t like his drinking. He told me he doesn’t like me when I don’t drink, so I don’t think we’re making each other happy. He also blames me for his drinking, because why would he want to be at home/no wonder he drinks (his words). Social events like weddings cause me so much anxiety, I hate football tournaments as they’re an excuse to basically abandon us at home and go out to drink.

I can’t tell you how many units he drinks but it’s well over the recommended amount, he’s lost so much weight over the past few years, doesn’t eat anything during the day just dinner, sweats buckets sometimes at night, obsessively weighs himself, and he plays a lot of sport. Monday-Wednesday each night, gym at the weekend, hockey on Saturdays, but will then fill his body with booze. Lots of beer plus gin and on a night out buys a ton of shots.

I’m left on my own a lot but he refuses to cut back on anything, even tho he says we lead separate lives and is seemingly unhappy about the fact. I am 100% sure there’s no one else, he’s not going out meeting anyone, he just gets into such a state from drinking. I know on his holiday nothing happened too and it’s never been a concern.

Two weeks ago (I’ve been told this by a concerned friend) he drank 3 beers after his hockey match, then drove himself and three friends home. It was an away match, hour and a half drive away, they pulled into a shop and got a crate of beer and he drank 6 bottles driving home. He arrived drunk, I was horrified, he kept on drinking then drove to the chip shop and back. Three days later on the Wednesday he went out to watch a football game with his friend, came home Thursday morning 5am. I’d had no communication, he was in no fit state to take our daughter to her before school club so I had to, and he woke up at 10am still drunk - he was meant to be at work. I left the house, no idea what he told them as to why he wasn’t there, he worked from home rest of the day. But to make matters worse at 6.30 that morning I was up and trying to unexpectedly get my eldest ready, feed the baby, and we walk into the bedroom to him with his boxers by his ankles pissing on the bedroom carpet and my eldest saw it all. I made up an excuse that he was so tired he’d sleepwalked and gotten confused. When she brought it up with him later that day he told her to never tell anyone, which is awful - I don’t want my daughter thinking she has to keep what goes on at home a secret. After this the following Saturday he volunteered to umpire another hockey match, so he got up, went to the gym, came home for 20mins to pack a bag, then went out to umpire, play his own match, then went with his friend to another city for a night out and came him lunchtime on Sunday. I knew earlier on in the week about the planned Saturday night out but didn’t expect him to still go after his awful behaviour in the week.

I barely spoke to him until late one night a week ago and it all came out that I can’t do this anymore, he has a problem, but he’d had a few and there was an answer to everything and he was unwilling to get professional help which is what I said he needed. He doesn’t think it’s that bad.

Apparently his friends have set up an intervention group chat to try and figure out how to help him but like me we’re all nervous about approaching him about it because he gets defensive and aggressive. I told him I was scared to talk to him about it. He said that’s an ‘impactful word’ and I’m deliberately using is to suit my narrative and my agenda. What narrative or agenda?? I know he gaslights me when I talk about my feelings ‘it’s not that bad’ / ‘oh come on’ / ‘don’t be dramatic’ / ‘well you would say that because it fits your narrative’.

I’ve tried talking to him, his mum has, his friends are planning to all meet up and sit down with him to express their concerns and one already had a chat with him months ago about his drinking and suggested he goes to the GP (he hasn’t).

I’m trying to protect the children but know at some point I can’t pull the wool over my eldest eyes especially. And I’m just on my own now looking after my baby. There have been days he’s not even held her and he’s made one bottle with me overseeing and giving instructions after pouring the water myself. He said if I ask him to help with her then I’m trying to ‘kill him’ because he’s working the most hours he ever has, cleans the house and is helping with our eldest. He has stepped up to help with her but many people would say he’s just doing what’s usually expected of a father.

I’ve written such a long post now and feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg. He has a very high up position at work and earns a lot of money, triple my wage, and I know his job makes him incredibly stressed but he wasn’t to earn good money for us. Only problem is it’s not really enjoyable living like this. He also obsessively cleans and tidies the house to the point it’s like walking on eggshells and I know our eldest gets upset as he’s constantly on at her to tidy up her toys etc. He’ll come home and stand in the lounge doorway and inspect it. But when the good times are good they’re great and when he’s not drinking and more relaxed things at home can be so lovely and wonderful. I’ve only mostly written the bad but there is good in there too.

I don’t even know what I’m expecting if anyone replies to this. I also know it’s only a glimpse into what goes on and there’s a lot more. I also have some videos of some verbal abuse when he’s been drunk, I thought recording him so he can see what he’s like would help but it hasn’t. He told me hes
going out this weekend, I said when did we discuss this? He said we didn’t. He just does whatever he wants and I’ve been such a doormat for years and have wanted to make him happy that it’s just become the normal for us.

I don’t have many friends and I focus on my family and I’m embassies to talk about what goes on and I don’t tell my parents anything because I don’t want them to worry. I know what advice I’d give to a friend or my daughters, it’s just hard to take it when I tell it to myself. What will divorce also do to my eldest who just won’t understand if that’s the route I take.

Novel over.

Apologies for some typos and misspellings. He’s away tonight due to work, we’re back to speaking now and it’s all ‘normal’ conversations about the children, work, Christmas etc. It’s like noting over the last couple of weeks has happened. It’s always like this - awful drunken behaviour, then my tears and upset, sometimes the promise of changing along with an apology (can vary on how genuine it sounds), things go back to normal until the next drunken episode

OP I have absolutely no idea what you're doing.

For a start he's regularly drink driving - I can't emphasise enough how dangerous and irresponsible that is.

You can't hide his behaviour because he's an alcoholic and he's completely out of control. Your eldest is already aware that he's unpredictable and abusive. Look up how alcoholism effects children.

It doesn't sound like he spends much time at home, you've been abandoned for hobbies and booze.

There's no point talking to him about his behaviour because he doesn't care. He doesn't care that he could kill someone on the road, he doesn't care that his children witness him peeing on the carpet, he doesn't care how his behaviour effects anyone. He just cares about himself.

There's nothing you can do to change him and he's likely to get worse. This is not a safe household for children.

You need to report him for drink driving. My advice to you is to start planning how you're going to get you and your children out of this situation. Get advice on finances and housing in the event of a divorce.

Read up on co dependency and look at Al Anon for support. I'd also get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation for advice.

I’d call the police if he got in a car drunk, and ask all of his friends to do the same. It doesn’t sound like anyone’s getting through to him so I think you should tell your parents, look at the finances and ask him to leave, say you won’t live with a raging drink driving alcoholic who micro manages the children’s tidying but also lets them see him piss on the floor. He needs to hit rock bottom before he realises he needs help

He sounds an absolute mess, with multiple issues.
It's soul destroying just reading about your life with him.

Of course, the advice is to leave him, but you know that anyway.

I do hope you'll do the right thing, for all of your sakes.

Please do it.

Thank you. I think this is why I thought I needed to write it down because I know it’s awful and this isn’t even all of it. I think to myself all the time WHAT are you doing? Why are you letting this happen? But part of my
brain also tries to explain and justify his behaviour, and so much has become ‘normal’ even though I also logically know it’s not. It’s hard to explain. If I wasn’t on maternity leave I think I’d have left after the carpet incident, that’s been the straw that broke the camels back, but I’m trying to keep the children happy and safe and bar the carpet incident I don’t think my eldest has any idea, just that her dad likes a clean and tidy house. But I know that this will probably very quickly change, she’s very sharp and I’m at the point now where their happiness and safety comes first.

I know how dangerous the drink driving is and I agree nothing is getting through to him and I don’t think anything will - he has to want to change and in the meantime I need to protect myself and children.

Thank you for your advice. I’ve looked and there is an Al anon group near to me that meets on Fridays at 8

This is pretty horrific for you OP.

You will not be able to lead him to therapy or AA or professional support. That desire for change has to come from him.

I would honestly look for an exit plan. Consider options, know where you and the children can go to be safe and then state your boundary. That may be he doesn’t return home drunk. If he does you will leave (or he will of any option to do that). The choice is then his.

i agree about being aware of codependency & it’s important you do not shield him from any consequences. Let him feel them. He’s busy offloading responsibility left right and centre as it is. I’m sorry OP it sounds very hard

I wasn’t aware of co dependency - I’ve seen the term before but never looked into it thinking it’s not something that applies to me. I’ve googled it and I recognise a lot of the signs.

I feel very detached from everything at the moment, just going through the motions of daily life and trying to enjoy my baby. I think I am at a point now where I know things HAVE to change and it’s got to come from me and what I can do and control because he’s unwilling to change.

I will put my girls first.

Oh OP what a horrible situation. It’s late so I won’t type a huge reply but I wanted to just mention that if you decide to separate while on mat leave you will likely be eligible for UC. He’d have to pay CMS too. It’s worth punching the numbers into an online calculator. You don’t have to live like this.

You might find this book helpful. Co dependency is sometimes confused with being too dependent on a partner. That's not what it means.

A co dependent is the partner of an addict.

Thank you for the advice and book recommendation. I will check it out. I really appreciate people replying to me, I thought I would just type to get it all out my system as I was getting upset and didn’t expect anyone to comment or give advice.

Now it’s 2am and I’m making packed lunches, sterilising bottles and hanging up washing! I’m so grateful for my children but I know this isn’t how I wanted things to work out and no one else is going to come along and fix it, I need to take some control.

That's a lot of writing OP and it is helpful to write things down. The answer however is simply, leave. There is no straw to cling on to here. You'll be fine, better than fine because you'll be doing it on your own which is better than this.

Gingerbread have a good helpline. They can tell you about benefits etc

Wikivorce is a good website to research divorce. They also have a forum.

Are your parents around? Are they aware?

Thank you for the advice and suggestions to the websites.

My dad is teetotal and my mum has no more than two glasses of wine so when I try to talk about drinking with my husband he says I just don’t get it because my parents and myself don’t really drink and I’ve not grown up in a climate of drinking.

My parents live round the corner but that also makes my husband angry because he says they don’t do enough childcare for us so we can go out and spend time together, but this makes me nervous as I feel like his ‘spending time together’ is an excuse to have a nice meal but then drink in bars! So I don’t ask them.

My mum has worked full time in a senior position at a school and really worked like leave for school 6.30am, home at 6.30, work in the evenings then up at 3am to carry on working, so weekends were for resting in my opinion (she’s also had 2 mini strokes previously) and my dad has a heart condition. I haven’t wanted to ask them for help because my mum especially needed rest and I never wanted them to see my husband drunk. Even sober he has been rude to them before and then wonders why they don’t always respond to him eg in group chats. His drinking previously has concerned them and they have seen just a drop in the ocean. I dread to think how they’d react to this.

I haven’t really told them anything at all because I don’t want to worry or burden them either. When little things happen that they witness like the way he’s spoken to me before in front of my mum I know they’re not happy, but I make excuses about his behaviour, explain how stressed he is etc. They have no idea what really goes on and I feel caught in the middle of trying to hide it all and smooth things which can be hard.

I feel like I’m sacrificing myself to keep the peace but need to stop it now, because it’s not actually working and logically I know I deserve some peace. I think I have some self esteem issues though because part of me feels like I deserve to be treated this way and I’m a bad person, but I don’t know why I feel that way? Perhaps because I try to keep so much a secret and keep up a good front I’ve gotten a bit lost myself a long the way.

If I was talking to a friend or daughter I’d say they deserve to be happy and well loved, to feel like a priority and respected, and it’s ok to leave this situation. I know how outraged I’d feel if this was happening to one of my daughters, but it’s like that advice is for them - not me.

Also no hate to my mum - she worked so hard for us and has always put her all into teaching. I’m proud of her and don’t want my
post misconstrued. I love my parents and they paid so much for our wedding too, I don’t want to feel like I’ve let them down. I know they would want me to be happy but I’d rather they are happy and not worry about me - they have enough to worry about and don’t need it.

At some stage he will drive drunk with the kids in the car.
Please protect yourself and them by leaving and only allowing supervised access.

Call your mum and dad.

Tell them you and the two LOs are coming to visit and you have something serious to talk about with them. Tell them everything - the drinking and also the controlling behaviour about the house - and ask them for their support. Please plan on doing this.

You are teaching your child to keep secrets and that she has to put up with being let down. That has to stop. You didn't cause the drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

You need to leave. You should probably plan on returning to work before the summer. Can you move in with your parents?

Next time this drunken asshole gets behind the wheel over the limit, call the police.

Give yourself a hard smack in the face and imagine what they would feel if they had seen what your daughter witnessed.

Your impulse to control their emotions, your shame, your fear, guilt, and sense of obligation are all the hallmarks of codependency.

You need to swallow your misplaced pride and confide in your parents. Do it for your children's sake. Your daughter needs you to pull the finger out and let her know that her mother is her protector.

And FYI, your parents know plenty.

I read all this with my mouth hanging out in horror. He has a problem. He will not stop. You need to protect your children above all else. Speak to your parents, gather support where you can and even if the next few years are painful and brutal it will be nothing compared to what will happen to you and the childhood your kids will have to endure with a man like that in their house. It is heartbreaking for you but you need to be brave enough to make a serious change here.

@Fondantfancys the first intervention is to remove his car key from your house before he kills someone.

Drink driving devastates lives. I have been there. It’s real. It’s hell. People like your husband are downright dangerous.

What kind of “friends” are getting in a car with him when he’s drunk and then happily being passengers while he drinks at the wheel?! It’s beyond belief.

The intervention everyone is pussy footing around just needs to happen, somehow, before he causes a catastrophic accident.

He could be low level drinking at other times that you aren’t aware of and driving your child around. Get him a breathalyser and make him use it before any of you get in the car with him. If he refuses you probably have confirmation on that front.

Your parents will most likely breathe a high of relief if you tell them you're leaving. Sounds like they'd be able to provide financial support too, and great that they live so close. Please leave. This will all be ok in the end. See it the other way round- you don't have to stress about work as you're on mat leave, and can put leaving him into action today. Everyone is already talking about you. I think it's rare for friends to actually see the problem. It must be bad.

Also, I wonder what his employer already knows, and how much thin ice he's on at work.

I grew up in a house with an alcoholic, I lived with an alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years. My best advice is don't do it, to yourself or your kids. Don't expect your parents to understand either, they haven't had the experience you had, but they can still help you without fully appreciating the bull shit.

You can't change an alcoholic, no matter how much you want to. Yes, they can be genuinely amazing wonderful people but it never lasts. Maybe if they seek treatment, but even then it's not a guarantee. Any alcoholic who breaks free has my absolute respect because it's truly horrible disease.

For your sake and that of your kids please leave. It's the only positive action you can take at this point. If your husband chooses to get treatment it may resolve, but that has to be up to him.

@Fondantfancys i hear you. I’m the alcoholic in our family and have done some awful things ….but he sounds even worse than me. My DC were/are older but my mum was an alcoholic so I know the effect it has on them.

when I’m not drinking I’m great! But if I was my DH, I’d have left him. I know that’s hypocritical but you should leave as it will only get worse x