Acknowledging my husband has a problem

[Fondantfancys]

I know the immediate advice is probably going to be leave him, think of your children, get out of there but I am 11 weeks postpartum and don’t go back to work until July. Leaving right now isn’t an option. I think I also gaslight myself into thinking it’s not that bad/things will change, so alongside seeking advice on what to do this is also my attempt at continuing to keep my eyes open to the fact that this isn’t normal and big brave decisions need to be made at some point.

I’m not sure where to start as there are years and years worth of examples of horrible behaviour, problems, arguments and vicious words caused by my husbands drinking. We’ve been together for over 13 years and met just before I turned 20, so together for all of my adult life. We have a 6 year old and an 11 week old and he’s always drunk a lot. I’ve never been a huge drinker but even more so now I rarely drink.

As I said, I have years worth of examples, but the drinking over the last couple of years has gotten more and more out of hand. I will give some examples from the last year, I was pregnant for much of this time but these problems existed before pregnancy so that’s not to blame. He’s frequently gone out during the week, let’s say a Wednesday night, and usually for a reason like the footballs on. He’s then returned approx. 5am the next day, drunk, unable to take our daughter to her before school club or regular school when he’s committed to it (this has then impacted my job), and he’s then missed work with no prior warning to them as he’s woken up hours later. He’s been beaten up and I had to drop our daughter at his mums in the early hours of the morning to get to hospital where he’s been stitched up and to talk to the police, whilst heavily pregnant. He booked a holiday to Ibiza with his mate knowing I wasn’t happy about it and didn’t want him to go, and when we discovered I was pregnant he didn’t cancel it despite me being 36 weeks pregnant when he would have gone. After a lot of upset and stress it was moved back 2 months, he still went. This caused me a lot of stress and hurt, he knew I wasn’t on board and booked it anyway, it cost a lot of money, I was heavily pregnant and left on my own to care for our eldest.

He will regularly have 3/4 pints then drive, but sometimes has drunk a lot more than this and driven. Once he starts to drink he doesn’t seem to know where the line is and he just keeps going. He can become nasty and aggressive and I dislike going out with him as it feels like the priority is drinking not spending time together, but this reluctance of mine and wanting to be safe at home and with my children has added fuel to the fire because he says I don’t understand as I don’t drink, his drinking is normal, I’m not social etc. He’s also unhappy as we don’t do things together/spend time together even though he knows I don’t like his drinking. He told me he doesn’t like me when I don’t drink, so I don’t think we’re making each other happy. He also blames me for his drinking, because why would he want to be at home/no wonder he drinks (his words). Social events like weddings cause me so much anxiety, I hate football tournaments as they’re an excuse to basically abandon us at home and go out to drink.

I can’t tell you how many units he drinks but it’s well over the recommended amount, he’s lost so much weight over the past few years, doesn’t eat anything during the day just dinner, sweats buckets sometimes at night, obsessively weighs himself, and he plays a lot of sport. Monday-Wednesday each night, gym at the weekend, hockey on Saturdays, but will then fill his body with booze. Lots of beer plus gin and on a night out buys a ton of shots.

I’m left on my own a lot but he refuses to cut back on anything, even tho he says we lead separate lives and is seemingly unhappy about the fact. I am 100% sure there’s no one else, he’s not going out meeting anyone, he just gets into such a state from drinking. I know on his holiday nothing happened too and it’s never been a concern.

Two weeks ago (I’ve been told this by a concerned friend) he drank 3 beers after his hockey match, then drove himself and three friends home. It was an away match, hour and a half drive away, they pulled into a shop and got a crate of beer and he drank 6 bottles driving home. He arrived drunk, I was horrified, he kept on drinking then drove to the chip shop and back. Three days later on the Wednesday he went out to watch a football game with his friend, came home Thursday morning 5am. I’d had no communication, he was in no fit state to take our daughter to her before school club so I had to, and he woke up at 10am still drunk - he was meant to be at work. I left the house, no idea what he told them as to why he wasn’t there, he worked from home rest of the day. But to make matters worse at 6.30 that morning I was up and trying to unexpectedly get my eldest ready, feed the baby, and we walk into the bedroom to him with his boxers by his ankles pissing on the bedroom carpet and my eldest saw it all. I made up an excuse that he was so tired he’d sleepwalked and gotten confused. When she brought it up with him later that day he told her to never tell anyone, which is awful - I don’t want my daughter thinking she has to keep what goes on at home a secret. After this the following Saturday he volunteered to umpire another hockey match, so he got up, went to the gym, came home for 20mins to pack a bag, then went out to umpire, play his own match, then went with his friend to another city for a night out and came him lunchtime on Sunday. I knew earlier on in the week about the planned Saturday night out but didn’t expect him to still go after his awful behaviour in the week.

I barely spoke to him until late one night a week ago and it all came out that I can’t do this anymore, he has a problem, but he’d had a few and there was an answer to everything and he was unwilling to get professional help which is what I said he needed. He doesn’t think it’s that bad.

Apparently his friends have set up an intervention group chat to try and figure out how to help him but like me we’re all nervous about approaching him about it because he gets defensive and aggressive. I told him I was scared to talk to him about it. He said that’s an ‘impactful word’ and I’m deliberately using is to suit my narrative and my agenda. What narrative or agenda?? I know he gaslights me when I talk about my feelings ‘it’s not that bad’ / ‘oh come on’ / ‘don’t be dramatic’ / ‘well you would say that because it fits your narrative’.

I’ve tried talking to him, his mum has, his friends are planning to all meet up and sit down with him to express their concerns and one already had a chat with him months ago about his drinking and suggested he goes to the GP (he hasn’t).

I’m trying to protect the children but know at some point I can’t pull the wool over my eldest eyes especially. And I’m just on my own now looking after my baby. There have been days he’s not even held her and he’s made one bottle with me overseeing and giving instructions after pouring the water myself. He said if I ask him to help with her then I’m trying to ‘kill him’ because he’s working the most hours he ever has, cleans the house and is helping with our eldest. He has stepped up to help with her but many people would say he’s just doing what’s usually expected of a father.

I’ve written such a long post now and feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg. He has a very high up position at work and earns a lot of money, triple my wage, and I know his job makes him incredibly stressed but he wasn’t to earn good money for us. Only problem is it’s not really enjoyable living like this. He also obsessively cleans and tidies the house to the point it’s like walking on eggshells and I know our eldest gets upset as he’s constantly on at her to tidy up her toys etc. He’ll come home and stand in the lounge doorway and inspect it. But when the good times are good they’re great and when he’s not drinking and more relaxed things at home can be so lovely and wonderful. I’ve only mostly written the bad but there is good in there too.

I don’t even know what I’m expecting if anyone replies to this. I also know it’s only a glimpse into what goes on and there’s a lot more. I also have some videos of some verbal abuse when he’s been drunk, I thought recording him so he can see what he’s like would help but it hasn’t. He told me hes
going out this weekend, I said when did we discuss this? He said we didn’t. He just does whatever he wants and I’ve been such a doormat for years and have wanted to make him happy that it’s just become the normal for us.

I don’t have many friends and I focus on my family and I’m embassies to talk about what goes on and I don’t tell my parents anything because I don’t want them to worry. I know what advice I’d give to a friend or my daughters, it’s just hard to take it when I tell it to myself. What will divorce also do to my eldest who just won’t understand if that’s the route I take.

Novel over.

Imagine how you would feel if he killed someone while drink-driving. How guilty you would feel about the fact you knew he did it and did nothing to stop him. You need to report him to the police and get your children the hell away from him. Not when you start work again after maternity leave; now.

You won’t let him drive drunk with your children in the car

But you know he does it when he could kill someone else’s child.

why haven’t you called the police when he’s done this?

I dont really understand you not leaving him but I can kind of see why.

But tolerating drunk driving?! No

You can't help someone who won't accept they have a problem. Until your husband can say to you 'I'm and alcoholic and I need help', there won't be anything you can do. His drinking will get worse and so will his behaviour. He needs to hit rock bottom, and sadly, he's not hit it yet. My husband's cousin is an alcoholic (and drugs too), he's currently on his 3rd residential rehabilitation stint - he's 40, and has been battling alcohol since in his teens. We're hoping he stays sober once he comes back to our hometown next year, but we've been here twice before. As others have said, you need to report the drink/driving - anonymously if necessarily. You also need to start making plans to leave. Children living in a home with an alcoholic, is a huge safeguarding issue. Your priority has to be your children, not your husband. Unfortunately, you, his friends, family can talk to him until they're blue in the face, it won't make any difference. The only person who can help your husband, is your husband. At the moment his only concern is alcohol, and getting his next drink. He doesn't care about you, his children, the fact he's putting other road users at risk, work, his family - addiction makes the addict selfish, lie, steal, aggressive and in some cases violent. You need to leave.

If I was reading this from an outside perspective like you, I would ask the same thing. Why haven’t you left? What are
you doing? Why haven’t you called the police? And yes, the thought of someone becoming injured or killed horrifies me and I feel incredibly guilty about it, which has led me to doing things like making this post and acknowledging that things have become really awful and change has to happen.

As I said originally, there are times when everything at home is wonderful, and there have been times that he’s promised he’ll sort things, cut back and change. There are times when he’s a fantastic husband and father, and all I have ever wanted is a home and family. Therefore I have become the fixer, peace maker, the person to bear the brunt in an effort to keep everyone happy and for others to believe that everything is all ok. I have tried to carve out the life I have wanted even when it’s been going severely pear shaped. And there are times when we have been and are very happy. We’ve spent years doing up the house, I’ve gone part time and have supported his career, he is still someone who encourages and comforts me when I’m upset and that’s why it’s really hard to just walk away, like it’s an easy everyday decision. We’ve cried tears of joy having our babies, we’ve cried at loss, we’ve laughed, we make plans and we’re excited to put the Christmas tree up. He doesn’t always drink daily and has never started the day off with a drink.

Equally, there is a lot of codependency which I have realised from this post and of course everything I’ve shared cannot be ignored. It is wrong and unhealthy and damaging. There is a terrible problem here.

I have been with him since I was 19, just before I turned 20. The thought of leaving/asking him to leave/ending things is scary, even if it’s the right thing. As someone posted earlier it’s a head/heart battle. None of this has just happened, it’s crept up little by little over more than a decade and very unhealthy behaviours have slowly become the norm.

Our relationship was founded on love and there is still love there. I am deeply concerned for him and can see that in wanting him to be happy I have allowed behaviours which are wrong for our family, but ultimately I will put my children first and do what is right for them.

I am not writing this as an excuse but to try and explain, as I’m sure many people are thinking what are you doing you stupid woman?! I understand that he has to want to change and there is little I can do, I can’t force him, I can’t control it, but I can control the next steps for our daughters.

I’m incredibly grateful so many people have taken the time to respond and given really helpful advice. I have taken everything on board and I’m now considering what to do next.

OP I’m going to echo what a pp has said. Leaving your feelings aside for a moment…when - not if, WHEN - your husband gets behind the wheel again while intoxicated, and kills someone or leaves them a lifetime paraplegic in a wheelchair, you are going to spend every remaining minute of your life with the most horrific guilt knowing that you could have prevented that by calling the police. I’m beyond horrified that you haven’t before now. If nothing else, PLEASE please promise that the very next time he steps into that car with even a hint of alcohol on him, whether fresh or from the night before, you’ll call it in. This isn’t just your life and those of your children he’s fucking around with here.
Also, please leave. ASAP.

Yes, I will contact the police and tell him too.

You only have 2 kids, you work so can you not rent a place to live?
What is preventing you leaving? Love is not always enough. I hope you actually do join an al anon group.

Just leave. He's a disgrace to you, and your innocent children deserve better.

Ditto here. And agree with you, this guy is worse. When people bring up you have a problem, you might lash out, annoyed they’re trying to stop you drinking, but (not so) deep down you know there’s a problem. You’ll bargain and stuff. You’ll get angry just so you can’t storm out and be left alone to have a drink. It’s horrible. But when you do something really bad, like piss on the carpet in front of your kid a normal person will be so full of self hatred you can’t hide it. You’ll say how awful you aren’t you’ll be in your head desperately praying to not want another drink.

Your husband doesn’t sound like he cares about anyone other than himself…he doesn’t even seem to want to stop. Which, if I were to make an educated guess, leads me to believe he’s a prick when he’s sober too. Maybe a more subtle version. But a prick nonetheless.

the guy is an arsehole - and sobering up isn’t going to change this. In fact it might make it worse.

as for your feelings of shame, OP,
in regard to telling people about his bad behaviour…this is very normal. In fact so normal it’s really the main driver (other than fear) which keeps people in abusive relationships.

I remember feeling so ashamed being in an abusive relationship- I felt like I’d introduced this person to my family and friends. I just felt so stupid and embarrassed that I was wrong about them.

Also it’s way easier to just ignore what’s happening, than face that you’ve been subjected to abuse. And it all creeps up so slowly. Plus they usually turn nice for a day or two, making you believe they can “go back to their old, true self”.

but they don’t.

and he won’t.

But HIS issues are HIS. There’s nothing wrong with holding your hands up to your parents and saying “I made a mistake with this one.” Or your friends.

hopefully you can get to the point you really do just leave and want to. I think another reason we (people) don’t tell the friends or families is because we know that once we do, there’s no coming back. If I tell my mum, she now not only dislikes him, but KNOWS he’s acting this way. And then I can never get back with him….

that’s tough, if you’re secretly hoping for him to change and for your relationship to get back on track.

but, again, it won’t.

by the way, please report him to the police - report online now (when safe) so it’s flagged but also next time he drives. He’ll kill someone’s. It’s awful.

do NOT let him drive your children. He will have a high level of alcohol in his system even if he’s not drunk since the night before. Plus he sounds unstable anyway.

ughh please just get up and go tell someone. Make it final. Start the ball rolling. And keep him the hell away from your kids. Best thing you can do is make sure his alcoholism and drink driving is documented with police (as much and as often as possible) so he can’t drive or get any custody. Sounds though like he wouldn’t want much and you will be setting your children up far better, even living in a tiny place or on your parent’s sofa, without him.

sorry so long but really your post (op) was so upsetting. Please stay safe

Haven't RTFT but this was me. My ex was dead in her very early 40s. Within a year of sounding 'as bad' as this. The end happens very very fast - the liver keeps going, until suddenly it doesn't.

Getting out really is your only option. this, plus ensuring you call the police and get his licence taken away when you know he's over the limit behind the wheel.

all the interventions in the world won't make an ounce of difference to an addict who doesn't want to stop. And he doesn't sound anywhere near even wanting to think about stopping.

this won't get better. Bluntly, you have 2 choices.

1. stay and all four of you will be fucked up

2. leave / throw him out and only one of you suffers the immediate effects of alcoholism.

It so scary I know, but you MUST protect your children. He cannot ever drive with them or be alone with them whilst he is in active alcohol. Best wishes and you're more than welcome to message me to chat to someone who sadly really gets it.

@Fondantfancys you sound pragmatic and I’m glad you’re reaching out for help but I’m worried there is still some denial here.

Can I ask how you know he’s not starting the day with a drink or drinking secretly? He is an alcoholic and would be unthinkably good at hiding any evidence.

I think you need to accept it’s almost definitely happening and if you do not ask him to breathalyse then you and the kids really shouldn’t be travelling with him driving. I would never in a million years let my kids in a car with an alcoholic. Or anyone who’s been drinking heavily the night before for that matter.

Your dad sounds lovely. He will want to help, he’s there for you. You need to bite the bullet. It’s not going to get easier the longer you leave it.

I do hope that you managed to get to an Al Anon meeting, and you can also attend by Zoom. Addiction thrives on shame and secrecy, going to a 12 step meeting is daunting, but it gives you the feeling of no longer feeling alone.
Going forward, you may want to reach out to your child’s school and your youngest child’s health visitor for support.