Acknowledging my husband has a problem

[Fondantfancys]

I know the immediate advice is probably going to be leave him, think of your children, get out of there but I am 11 weeks postpartum and don’t go back to work until July. Leaving right now isn’t an option. I think I also gaslight myself into thinking it’s not that bad/things will change, so alongside seeking advice on what to do this is also my attempt at continuing to keep my eyes open to the fact that this isn’t normal and big brave decisions need to be made at some point.

I’m not sure where to start as there are years and years worth of examples of horrible behaviour, problems, arguments and vicious words caused by my husbands drinking. We’ve been together for over 13 years and met just before I turned 20, so together for all of my adult life. We have a 6 year old and an 11 week old and he’s always drunk a lot. I’ve never been a huge drinker but even more so now I rarely drink.

As I said, I have years worth of examples, but the drinking over the last couple of years has gotten more and more out of hand. I will give some examples from the last year, I was pregnant for much of this time but these problems existed before pregnancy so that’s not to blame. He’s frequently gone out during the week, let’s say a Wednesday night, and usually for a reason like the footballs on. He’s then returned approx. 5am the next day, drunk, unable to take our daughter to her before school club or regular school when he’s committed to it (this has then impacted my job), and he’s then missed work with no prior warning to them as he’s woken up hours later. He’s been beaten up and I had to drop our daughter at his mums in the early hours of the morning to get to hospital where he’s been stitched up and to talk to the police, whilst heavily pregnant. He booked a holiday to Ibiza with his mate knowing I wasn’t happy about it and didn’t want him to go, and when we discovered I was pregnant he didn’t cancel it despite me being 36 weeks pregnant when he would have gone. After a lot of upset and stress it was moved back 2 months, he still went. This caused me a lot of stress and hurt, he knew I wasn’t on board and booked it anyway, it cost a lot of money, I was heavily pregnant and left on my own to care for our eldest.

He will regularly have 3/4 pints then drive, but sometimes has drunk a lot more than this and driven. Once he starts to drink he doesn’t seem to know where the line is and he just keeps going. He can become nasty and aggressive and I dislike going out with him as it feels like the priority is drinking not spending time together, but this reluctance of mine and wanting to be safe at home and with my children has added fuel to the fire because he says I don’t understand as I don’t drink, his drinking is normal, I’m not social etc. He’s also unhappy as we don’t do things together/spend time together even though he knows I don’t like his drinking. He told me he doesn’t like me when I don’t drink, so I don’t think we’re making each other happy. He also blames me for his drinking, because why would he want to be at home/no wonder he drinks (his words). Social events like weddings cause me so much anxiety, I hate football tournaments as they’re an excuse to basically abandon us at home and go out to drink.

I can’t tell you how many units he drinks but it’s well over the recommended amount, he’s lost so much weight over the past few years, doesn’t eat anything during the day just dinner, sweats buckets sometimes at night, obsessively weighs himself, and he plays a lot of sport. Monday-Wednesday each night, gym at the weekend, hockey on Saturdays, but will then fill his body with booze. Lots of beer plus gin and on a night out buys a ton of shots.

I’m left on my own a lot but he refuses to cut back on anything, even tho he says we lead separate lives and is seemingly unhappy about the fact. I am 100% sure there’s no one else, he’s not going out meeting anyone, he just gets into such a state from drinking. I know on his holiday nothing happened too and it’s never been a concern.

Two weeks ago (I’ve been told this by a concerned friend) he drank 3 beers after his hockey match, then drove himself and three friends home. It was an away match, hour and a half drive away, they pulled into a shop and got a crate of beer and he drank 6 bottles driving home. He arrived drunk, I was horrified, he kept on drinking then drove to the chip shop and back. Three days later on the Wednesday he went out to watch a football game with his friend, came home Thursday morning 5am. I’d had no communication, he was in no fit state to take our daughter to her before school club so I had to, and he woke up at 10am still drunk - he was meant to be at work. I left the house, no idea what he told them as to why he wasn’t there, he worked from home rest of the day. But to make matters worse at 6.30 that morning I was up and trying to unexpectedly get my eldest ready, feed the baby, and we walk into the bedroom to him with his boxers by his ankles pissing on the bedroom carpet and my eldest saw it all. I made up an excuse that he was so tired he’d sleepwalked and gotten confused. When she brought it up with him later that day he told her to never tell anyone, which is awful - I don’t want my daughter thinking she has to keep what goes on at home a secret. After this the following Saturday he volunteered to umpire another hockey match, so he got up, went to the gym, came home for 20mins to pack a bag, then went out to umpire, play his own match, then went with his friend to another city for a night out and came him lunchtime on Sunday. I knew earlier on in the week about the planned Saturday night out but didn’t expect him to still go after his awful behaviour in the week.

I barely spoke to him until late one night a week ago and it all came out that I can’t do this anymore, he has a problem, but he’d had a few and there was an answer to everything and he was unwilling to get professional help which is what I said he needed. He doesn’t think it’s that bad.

Apparently his friends have set up an intervention group chat to try and figure out how to help him but like me we’re all nervous about approaching him about it because he gets defensive and aggressive. I told him I was scared to talk to him about it. He said that’s an ‘impactful word’ and I’m deliberately using is to suit my narrative and my agenda. What narrative or agenda?? I know he gaslights me when I talk about my feelings ‘it’s not that bad’ / ‘oh come on’ / ‘don’t be dramatic’ / ‘well you would say that because it fits your narrative’.

I’ve tried talking to him, his mum has, his friends are planning to all meet up and sit down with him to express their concerns and one already had a chat with him months ago about his drinking and suggested he goes to the GP (he hasn’t).

I’m trying to protect the children but know at some point I can’t pull the wool over my eldest eyes especially. And I’m just on my own now looking after my baby. There have been days he’s not even held her and he’s made one bottle with me overseeing and giving instructions after pouring the water myself. He said if I ask him to help with her then I’m trying to ‘kill him’ because he’s working the most hours he ever has, cleans the house and is helping with our eldest. He has stepped up to help with her but many people would say he’s just doing what’s usually expected of a father.

I’ve written such a long post now and feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg. He has a very high up position at work and earns a lot of money, triple my wage, and I know his job makes him incredibly stressed but he wasn’t to earn good money for us. Only problem is it’s not really enjoyable living like this. He also obsessively cleans and tidies the house to the point it’s like walking on eggshells and I know our eldest gets upset as he’s constantly on at her to tidy up her toys etc. He’ll come home and stand in the lounge doorway and inspect it. But when the good times are good they’re great and when he’s not drinking and more relaxed things at home can be so lovely and wonderful. I’ve only mostly written the bad but there is good in there too.

I don’t even know what I’m expecting if anyone replies to this. I also know it’s only a glimpse into what goes on and there’s a lot more. I also have some videos of some verbal abuse when he’s been drunk, I thought recording him so he can see what he’s like would help but it hasn’t. He told me hes
going out this weekend, I said when did we discuss this? He said we didn’t. He just does whatever he wants and I’ve been such a doormat for years and have wanted to make him happy that it’s just become the normal for us.

I don’t have many friends and I focus on my family and I’m embassies to talk about what goes on and I don’t tell my parents anything because I don’t want them to worry. I know what advice I’d give to a friend or my daughters, it’s just hard to take it when I tell it to myself. What will divorce also do to my eldest who just won’t understand if that’s the route I take.

Novel over.

DH's father was an alcoholic and many years ago MIL finally left him after his GP told her "hes sinking, you can't do anything other than decide whether you are going to take you and the children with him"
Don't sink with him, leave him asap

I’m sorry OP that you’re with an alcoholic. I don’t have much faith that alcoholics ever really recover, it’s almost like a personality trait, so ingrained it’s almost impossible to escape. My mum was unhappily married to my alcoholic dad for many years and I wish she’d just left earlier. I don’t know what the logic was in staying with him, maybe she pitied him, but it had a lasting effect on both of us. All I can say is that you need to seriously think about leaving. For yours, and your children’s sake. Sorry. Alcohol ruins lives.

Perhaps you leaving will be the thing that brings him to a standstill. Nothing else seems to be.

He has to want to do it.

Sorry you are going through this and although nobody can label anyone an alcoholic as it’s a very complex condition but from your description you husband is certainly 100% alcoholic. You can’t change him and going to Alanon is an excellent idea.
He will only change when it gets bad enough for him people do recover and lead perfectly happy lives but at this moment in time he really can’t accept what he is suffering from. The only person that might be able to get through to him is another alcoholic in recovery.
Quite honestly your best move is to leave him to it go home to your parents and sort your financial affairs out.
I have been where your husband is but that was over 20 years ago. I made the decision that I had had enough and sort help through AA I haven’t looked back best choice ever. Many may have the conception that alcoholics are down and outs this in my experience could not be further from the truth.

I was going to type this. You hold all the cards, you’d get half his pension for starters and child support.

What will divorce also do to my eldest who just won’t understand if that’s the route I take.

It'll give her a safe, calm, stable home, with mum and little sister. Where there's no shouting or arguing. No strange, disturbing behaviour. Nothing to be confused by or ashamed about.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation but I think you've got to leave. I grew up in an alcoholic household and it still affects me, decades later. He sounds absolutely nowhere near seeking help or stopping. If you stay, he's got no reason to stop.

They want and love alcohol more than anything else in the entire world. More than their partner, more than their kids. They simply want the status quo to continue – to keep drinking, ideally without you complaining, and they don't care what happens to their families. It's hard to believe that these are the people we love. We struggle to believe it. But that's how it is, because he is in the grip of something far stronger than him, or you, or anyone else. Now it's time to protect your kids.

Please leave as soon as possible, for all the reasons above. It is so very rare for alcoholics to give up permanently. My relative has been in residential 4~6 months stays at least four times, and always gets just as bad within weeks. He is a charismatic handsome (if haggard) man and always finds a woman. But it doesn't last. And his kids see straight through him now and hate him.

You sound really sensible and know what you need to do. Maybe take the maternity leave as time to properly plan your exit?

I agree with the poster who said that you should report your husband for drink driving and encourage his friends to do so. There need to be consequences to his actions. I don’t have experience of divorce but if you have evidence of his drinking (I.e complaints made to the police) might it help your case regarding custody of the children?

Wishing you all the best, it must be very difficult to live like this.

Don't worry about custody of your children. No judge is going to agree with children living with such a person. also the judge would almost certainly order that all their contact with their father must be supervised by another adult.

He is a total alcoholic.
And a drink driver.

I’m so sorry. He is cutting the legs out from under you. You have to go now while you still have legs.

I wish you and your children a lovely peaceful life. best wishes x x

I've read many threads on here about husbands with drink problems. This is by far the worst. Get out of there x

Do you really believe your children are safe? What about the drunk drinking to before school club? Or any driving involving the kids ? Don't believe your eldest isn't aware of anything. My mum was also waiting for the right time to leave my dad; she never did. He died aged 50 and I don't have a single nice memory of him even though he wasn't a bad guy.
When growing up your children will become painfully aware and ashamed of their dad's behaviour if he hasn't died from alcooholism before or killed himself in a car crash. Worse he could cause an accident any day.
There's nothing you can do except to protect your children from being harmed and letting them have an happy and innocent childhood. I wish you the best.

Can only add to other comments and what you know yourself that you can’t stay with him. He’s harming you, your children and could kill someone drunk driving. You can’t make him change and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to any time soon.

I know it seems impossible to leave. Especially with a young baby. But being alone doesn’t sound like it could be harder than the life you’re living now. In fact it would probably be much easier.

Al Anon would probably be a good place to start. And telling your parents. I bet they at least suspect what’s going on.

You and your children deserve so much better.

OP can I ask, when he was driving and drinking 6 beers did nobody try to overpower him in some way? I can't understand how he even did this? Who handed him the bottles?!

Go take a look at the website for Adult Children of Alcoholics or read Families Under The Influence the first book about alcoholism as it affects families. You will realize that your children will ultimately be destroyed by living with snd loving their alcoholic father. The greatest gift you can give them is distance because with distance will come calm and the ability to separate self from drunken father.

I have read everything that’s been posted since I last updated and I appreciate all the advice and comments and that so many people have shared their personal feelings and experiences. I’m sorry to have brought back any bad memories for anyone. I feel very detached from everything at the moment. I text my parents last night and amongst other things said things had been difficult at home but I’m not ready to talk about it just yet. But I thought this would get the ball rolling for me and to get into a headspace where I am ready to share. It’s like peeking a toe through the doorframe which isn’t much but is a good step for me.

My mum text privately saying my message had made her feel a bit sick when she read it and was I ok - probably because I don’t usually send messages like that. My dad sent me a lovely long message to me and my mum in a group saying there are always there and when I’m ready they will listen with no judgement and sharing always helps. He volunteered with the samaritans on the phone for years and is a good listener.

I said in my original post that he earns more money than me and this means he’s also generous and will buy rounds for friends and drinks. He also travels a lot for work so gets a big car and free fuel. Because of this he is often the driver and I think some teammates are reluctant to say something as he can get cross and come across aggressively, so they’re perhaps wary. Also it would mean no more free lifts and drinks. I have no idea who was passing him drinks or if he was reaching to get them himself, and if the one friend who realised in the back and started counting and who’s shared what happened perhaps felt he just needed to get home safe and didn’t feel able to say something and cause an issue while he was driving.

My daughter is home from school now so there’s perhaps more I could say but will leave this here for now and focus on the evening routine.

Thank you all again x

What will divorce also do to my eldest who just won't understand...

You may not want to admit this, because from your posts I can see that you are deeply codependent (you believe you're in control and that nobody in the house but you can see what's going on, and you're keeping your husband's atrocious behaviour a secret) but your child sees everything and feels everything that is happening.

Deep down inside, your child lives in fear and shame and isolation. She knows well that something is very wrong, and she knows well that her little friends in school have never seen their fathers with their boxers down around their ankles, pissing on the floor.

Even though you are there physically for her, you are not there emotionally as long as you continue to live under the same roof as this man and make the choice to keep her living there with you. You told her a lie about the scene she witnessed. Who were you protecting - him or her?
You cannot go on gaslighting this child.

Reach out to your parents. Tell them you want their support. Tell them he's an alcoholic and that he emotionally abuses you and your child. Tell them your greatest fear is that one day he will drive drunk and kill someone, maybe even their own beloved grandchildren. Tell them he is completely in denial about his addiction and will not stop despite your pleas.

I am sorry to be blunt here. I feel I'm kicking you when you're down. I know your head and heart are all over the place. Nobody deserves to be faced with the choices you're facing. But you need to face the obstacles that you have put in the way of getting help. You need to admit to yourself that you are powerless in the face of your husband's drinking and behaviour, and that your child is being damaged every day you all stay under the same roof.

Codependency is a huge problem here.
If you can find the time, you need to start attending AlAnon meetings for family members affected by someone else's drinking.

Please buy and read -
"Codependent no More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself", by Melody Beattie.
Take a good look at that title and realise the extent to which you are part of your child's experience.

"The Language of Letting Go", by Melody Beattie.

'Facing Codependence", by Pia Mellody.

"The Power of Letting Go", by John Purkiss.

"It Didn't Start With You", by Mark Wolynn.

"Boundaries", by Cloud & Townsend.

"The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why we Love People who Hurt Us", by Ross Rosenberg.

"Women Who Love Too Much", by Robin Norwood.

Don't get lost in the rabbit hole though. You need to start seriously planning for getting your children safe.

Your mum and dad want to help you and the children. Stop covering for your husband and tell them everything, they will help you. Your husband needs to feel consequences for his drinking if he is ever going to stop. Otherwise why would he? He doesn’t sound as if he is even at the start line of wanting to change things. It will continue until he runs out of options. For some that is losing everything

Because of this he is often the driver and I think some teammates are reluctant to say something as he can get cross and come across aggressively, so they’re perhaps wary. Also it would mean no more free lifts and drinks.

OP you keep saying you're detached and that's normal when we're in survival mode. You're just trying to cope.

However this is bigger than you because he could kill his lovely colleagues or he could wipe out a family on the road.

I think his teammates are out of their gourds to get into a powerful car with someone drunk. If they're risking their lives and those of everyone else on the road for lifts and drinks then I don't have the words.

I'd be tempted to tell his boss that he's drink driving in the company car. I'd call the police if I knew he was drinking driving - I'd do everything in my power to get him off the roads because he's a maniac.

You can't let him drive your children around as you've got no idea if he has alcohol in his system. Alcoholics are sneaky, he's probably drinking secretly.

I want to make it clear to you that the hardest and most necessary task you face here is acknowledging to yourself that you are not in control of your life and haven't been for a long time.

It is very difficult to admit that to friends or parents or others who love us, especially when we've been putting on a brave front or saving face for many years.

You will feel ashamed and it will seem a humiliating experience.

You need to cross your fingers and power through it. Remind yourself that your children depend on you for advocacy and for protection. This will give you strength.

Talk to your parents this weekend. Since your mum led with her own physical / visceral response to your text, I'd talk to your dad separately first. You don't want to feel you need to hold back in order to spare the feelings of someone else.

Your dad is a person who has training and experience in dealing with difficult situations and has clearly put all of that in play with no reference at all to his own feelings. This is exactly what you want here.

Please take that deep breath and free yourself and your children from the secrets.

I would have left the first time he'd driven drunk, that's the lowest of the low, I would not have stayed with him a second longer.

Your child won't be as affected by divorce as she is already is by living with an alcoholic Dad who's one step away from murdering innocent people and ending up in jail

How does he find the time for obsessive cleaning when he's drinking and doing hobbies most of the time. I also agree about the drink driving, his friends should have stopped him.

OP, I left my children’s father when I was on mat leave with my youngest. It’s almost 18 years ago now and they have grown up with us separately. I won’t say it has always been easy, as most of the parenting has fallen on me, but I have two young men living with me who have a good set of morals.
It doesn’t bother them at all that they don’t live with their dad. The oldest was 4, and always says he prefers it.
The youngest was a baby and has no recollection of us ever living together. Once, when he was about 6, he was gobsmacked to learn I once lived with his dad 😂

I am so, SO proud of the home I’ve built and the life I created for my boys. It’s been very tiring, but so would staying have been, and I’d rather be tired at peace than tired from conflict.

Your parents sound like good people. Let them support you. They wouldn’t choose unhappiness for you and their grandchildren.

Sending you all best wishes and courage to do what you need to do. I understand how hard it is. I hope that you can speak to your parents and allow them to support you