Here I am again

[onceagainhereiam]

Once again here I am.
Haven't slept, drank a whole bottle of spirit. I don't even know why, I had a lovely evening with my family soon as I got home I hit the bottle.
Always tell myself I can control it, just one then before I know it I've made an idiot of myself and it's 6am in the morning time for the kids to wake up.
I don't drink in the week but binge on the weekends, it makes me cranky all week with my dc and it's not fair.
I said the last time was the last time, but one week in here I am same situation.
I don't think I'm an alcoholic but definitely a binge drinker. I try not to buy it sometimes I can last a few weeks and then I'm back to square one.
It's not fair on my kids, I never used to drink a year ago I was a different person I was happy, did so much with my dc and I've changed into this awful human being.
I'm not drunk now drank 4 bottles of water before anyone says about my children, I'm able to look after them I'm just not at my best.
How do I stop?! all my friends drink, and it's either I turn into a hermit and never leave my house or see anyone or drink it's awful.

I hope I'm not to late to fix it. I feel like I've majorly fucked up on the parenting for the past year. They're good kids, I just haven't given them all my time as I was before because I feel like crap 24/7.

It's definitely the trigger I think. I don't like things being out of my control, and I feel so out of control with my child's disease. It's something that needs 24/7 monitoring it's so full on and I just feel overwhelmed most of the time. Which is a bloody awful thing to say! It's not me that has it, I don't know why I'm like this.

Today is going to be the day I say no drink from now on, No more acting like a idiot. No more feeling embarrassed or loosing sleep. I guess if DH drinks I'll have to take myself off to bed.

You need new friends and your husband needs to not drink around you until you are definitely able to cope with it. You need to find some things you enjoy that don't involve drinking.

You parents being alcoholics puts you at higher risk as it tends to run in families. You need to work really hard to find healthy coping mechanisms as you probably learnt from your parents that alcohol was a way to cope and your kids will be learning the same from you. Break the cycle OP!

Hi op
My drinking was the same. I'd drink bottles of spirits at the weekend and not drink all week.
I have been sober for 6 years now and my life is so much calmer. The shame has disappeared. And I'm much more present for my son, who had to put up with years of me being too tired to bother with much.
You can do this x

@onceagainhereiam may I recommend joining my support thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5066932-day-1-or-1000-all-welcome-on-the-tulips-and-snowdrops-thread?page=1
This thread is full of women just like you and we are all in different stages of the journey. Have a read and please feel free to join. There’s no judgement, just support.
Congratulations on day 2!