Bottle a night, sick and tired of being sick and tired

[inaterribleplace]

Friday was a bad night. I had a bottle and a half and said some awful things to my very lovely DP. Not his fault, lots of big emotions in my part.
On a typical night I have a bottle of wine, which has 'helped' me through a particularly crappy period of my life. I realise it doesn't help at all, but it's at least helped me turn off my brain where I might not other wise drift off to sleep.
I've put on weight. I'm so anxious. My skin looks terrible. I promised DP that I would make some changes. He says it's not his place to 'ask' me to stop drinking and he'll support me whatever I decide to do. He thinks I should moderate, he can't seem to understand that moderation is not something I'm able to achieve, it's all or nothing.
Yesterday was day one. We went out for a nice lunch, where I would normally have a lovely glass of wine. It was a beautiful sunny day and the fact that I 'couldn't' have a glass of wine gave me the rage. DP said if you want one have one, but I'm just so mad at myself, at feeling so deprived. I recovered until last night when the craving returned and I was full of rage again. Pissed off, feeling like I'm missing out and that I'll never feel properly relaxed ever again.
Arrrghh. I know I sound like a small child. I just don't know if I can deal with all the emotions in a normal way without having the alcohol to just blur it all just a little.

A bottle a night is drinking at very damaging levels OP, so well done for making the decision to quit.

How long has that been going on?

What information/guidance/help do you have?

I've been sober for nearly 2 years. The hardest part was sitting and dealing with my feelings. It gets easier I promise, you can do this and your life and mental health will be 100%.
Well done on taking the first step, be kind to yourself.

The drinking makes the emotions harder to deal with not easier. Feeling like shit all the time and having a muddled, drink addled brain doesn't help you process the emotions.

I had to give up drinking for a while because I was taking medication. I thought I would be miserable, unable to cope with my emotions and that life would be dull as ditchwater without those glittery, opening a drink and forgetting everything moments.

I had always thought that what would stop me drinking would be the health issues and the constantly feeling like crap.

What actually stopped me drinking was how bloody marvellous life was when I wasn't drinking. I had more energy, was calmer, lost three stone, slept better, got up earlier and got on with the things I wanted to do. I never had to cancel the next days plans as I was worried about being over the limit so couldn't drive. I had a ton more money as I wasn't blowing it on booze - I spent the money on clothes (for the new slim me) and felt ten years younger, four sizes smaller, better skin, better hair and properly me again. I knew I wouldn't say the wrong thing or make a fool of myself because I was pissed. I actually started enjoying events and my days without squandering them wondering constantly when I could open a bottle. I never again had to go through that feeling of waking up in the morning feeling like total shit, nauseous, head pounding, heart thumping, wondering how I'd get my head off the pillow and questioning myself about whether I'd upset anyone the night before.

Those 'rage cos I can't have a drink' and 'how will I deal with my emotions without a drink' feelings go very quickly.

Stick with it OP. Every day it gets easier until you really do have days when you don't even think about it because life is so good. I wish you well.

It's been a bottle of wine a night for about three years if I'm being brutally honest.
I've read the books. I've followed the instagrams. I've just downloaded some podcasts this morning.
I feel like I'll never have fun again, or enjoy a nice meal out, or enjoy intimacy. Which I know logically is nonsense, I'm just behaving like a petulant child when I think really, I'm just terrified to be me without those blurred lines, and I'm not sure how I'll deal with the tsunami of emotions that are no doubt heading my way right about now.

Try and listen to the unexpected joy of being sober, it's brilliant. You've done so well to fight off the cravings twice in one day so that's great op. You may well fall off the wagon time and time again but as long as you keep trying you're going to help yourself beat this. It's so hard, I've stopped drinking wine as I just enjoyed it too much and would get drunk every time I drink. I now drink beer on the weekend but tbh I just want to stop all together, I know I have a problem as I just can't stop it, I've just switched to something less strong.

Thank you so much for your comments. They're really helping me put things in perspective.

Hi @inaterribleplace I'm the same as you and have decided to quit. Today is my day 1. I'm so sick of feeling sluggish and tired, in my head I think a bottle of wine is a treat after a long day at work, in reality it's ruining my skin, bank balance and health.
We can do this!

I think @Churchview's post has some great points in it, OP - you're not 'giving up' drinking - you're letting go restrictions and constraints that drinking has wrapped around living.

Have you had help with addressing the reasons that led you to heavy drinking?

You just have to get a grip on it and stop. You'll feel so much better when you do that you won't want it anymore.

I was drinking way too much daily until around Christmas and since I've cut down to one or two days per week (drinking a lot less) I've lost two stone and feel so so much better in myself. It's really hard, I'm finding it especially hard since the weather is brightening up, but only you can do it and it's so worth the change:

I’ve been sober for 4 years now.

I well remember the years leading up to my decision to stop once and for all being this awful back and forth game of trying to stop but feeling angry that I couldn’t drink, then drinking, then back to square one. Over and over. So painful and damaging.

This is why you hear about people having to hit ‘rock bottom’, whatever that looks like for each individual, before they can stop. It’s the realisation, deep within you, that drinking doesn’t actually make anything better. It doesn’t make you more relaxed, or more fun, or enhance life experiences. It’s a massive lie. You’re not there, yet, clearly.

I personally couldn’t get sober on willpower alone and I needed help. For me that was AA. It might be different for you, but however you approach it, I truly believe that stopping problem drinking at this level (a bottle a night, over years, is pretty serious) requires help of some sort. It’s just too difficult and too painful to do it on your own.

Bella Figura by Kamin Mohammadi is a great book to read if you're going through this process. It's not specifically about drink - but it's a glorious true story of how she leaves behind the things that she thinks are helping her but which are actually holding her back. In the process she completely blossoms and finds true peace and happiness. It's Italy, it's sunny, she's funny and the food, clothes and scenery are gorgeous.

There's a whole other life out there that you miss with a glass (or seven) in your hand.

Are you getting any other help with the 'crappy period of your life'?
Maybe you are drinking to hide from something you don't want to deal with emotionally. Have you had any therapy, do you have anyone you can talk to?

Would you consider spending the money that your spending on the wine, on some therapy, to deal with the trauma or stress or hurt that your drinking to cover up and numb.
My husband goes to AA, has done for 10 years, and working the program is what keeps him sober, his sober life has brought him peace and serenity, doing the steps you get to the bottom of your resentment, fears etc.
Step one is "admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our life has become unmanageable" your there, you know it's a problem, that's a massive step, and the most important one.
AA isn't for everyone, but it is there to try to see if it helps, there will be a meeting somewhere near you, try a few to find one you like, just turn up. And there is a group called Alanon for families and friends of people with a drink problem, I go to this and it's helped me so much. Both groups you put money in a pot, you pay what you can afford, anonymously.
Good luck on your journey, there is a happier healthier life ahead for you, fight for it, you deserve to be happy ❤️

I stopped drinking last January, well I say stopped I have the occasional glass of fizz at a wedding/ Mother’s Day. Honestly my skin is so much better( am 44) have lost that bloated look/ no more bags under the eyes. I’ve lost weight I go by bmi and it’s gone down to 27. Which makes me an hourglass 14 rather than a 16 with a big tummy.

Honestly no desire to drink these days. You train your body that alcohol is normal so when you stop it tries to get you back to normal. Once you get over that hump and sober becomes the new normal it’s much easier. I was incredibly angry when I gave up smoking too

Hi OP, instead of quitting completely, why not try no wine Sunday- Thursday, so the only nights you have wine are Friday and Saturday. It’s probably still not ideal, but it’s better than a bottle every night.

At least then you’ll also have it to look forward to.

Also, what is going on in your life that you said some awful things to your dp? You’re obviously unhappy and stressed. You need to work on those things, instead of using alcohol to put a plaster on it

Have you read “This naked mind” by Annie Grace? I found it very helpful. I was a bottle of wine a day person like you.
now I’ve been sober for 16 months and I feel so much better!

I was the same as you. I identify with everything you say. I honestly think you should commit to 100 days off the booze and just see how you feel. First time I did that, it was illuminating but I convinced myself I could moderate and returned to the toxic drinking. Second time it stuck and I'm now 14 months sober. Honestly life is so so so much better - going out is better (as I remember it and am actually having a good time, it's not the booze telling me), sex is better and my anxiety is so less life-ruining. The first 30 days of sobriety when you drink what you are (same amount as me) are tough as you grapple with emotions, shit sleep and just how hard it is to break a habit but after that the weight drops off, you feel clear eyed, sleep way better and just start to recognise how sobriety gives you all the things alcohol promises too. Honestly you won't regret it.

Hi OP, I’m also one of those who can’t moderate (for me, why advice to might be well meaning it really, really doesn’t work if you have the relationship with alcohol that will also bring you back to a bottle a night in my experience).

I’m currently working on being alcohol free and echo the benefits @Churchview outlined above. A massive mind switch for me was to think of not drinking alcohol as gaining something - my health, freedom to get up without a hangover, exercise and do what I want to do and enjoy it etc - rather than that instinct to think you’re depriving yourself of something.

Think of one or two things that will be positives for you and when the wine witch strikes make it a positive decision.

I also found the soberistas website helpful - it’s really useful to have some accountability and people to learn from and talk to. I wish you the very best of luck

These PPs are all really positive and have some great advice and recommendations.

however… I can really relate to what you’re saying - I can’t moderate either, if I want a drink I want a bottle, and I find the idea of a social evening or dinner without alcohol boring and almost pointless. Most of the best times of my life (late 50s) have involved having a drink, although I don’t ever get obviously drunk.

however … (again) because I’m the age I am I had to draw a line. It’s increasingly dangerous to drink at those levels as you get older. My solution is to drink what I want (pretty much stays at a bottle) but far less often, maybe a couple of nights once or twice a month, when I’ve planned a particular weekend. I then have to really only ‘suffer’ sobriety for a day or so until I get into the routine of not drinking.

I love the idea of embracing life without alcohol, but I also know it’s not for me. I’ve always enjoyed drinking, love wine, and I love the weekends I plan with similar-minded friends.

maybe this is an approach you could adopt whilst you work on making it forever?

@Member786488 My solution is to drink what I want (pretty much stays at a bottle) but far less often.

This is a good step I reckon. If you drink less often your tolerance to alcohol declines, so, if you drink the amount you used to drink then you get totally plastered and feel like hell the following day. You drink less days and when you do you drink less booze (or face the horrible hangover). It's a winner.

How are you doing @inaterribleplace ?

Thank you so much. Your last sentence had me sobbing for two hours straight, I think it must have really hit a nerve! I so appreciate everyone's advice.

Thank you everyone for your incredible advice and support. I'm on day 4 now. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of how I'm feeling. I spent much of the weekend reading up on success stories, watching podcasts, and generally felt better, today has been difficult without the usual wine to take the edge off.

Apart from anything else, I'm absolutely exhausted. Slight headache too which I'm guessing is the detox and/or sugar withdrawal. I'm taking it one day at a time, but reading all your positive outcomes and advice has been so helpful to me.

Well done to you! Yeah the tiredness/headache/knackeredness and occasional weird vivid dream are very normal but they will pass soon. Treat yourself to a few early nights x

Well done @inaterribleplace

Just think - I you carry on like this, just one day at a time, there's a point in the not so distant future where you can change your user name to @NowInAGreatPlace.